Help! Son's friend stole his iPad...How to approach....

[Other Mummy]

My almost 12 year old son has a great group of friends. There is an inner circle of 4 of them and then extends to another 5 or so boys that are also good friends. We all live in a tight knit community and we all know the parents of each friend. Some very well. But all the parents are connected and we see each frequently with sporting events, school events, our children getting together, etc.

My son spent the night earlier in the week at his good friends house. one of the other boys in their group was there as well. So it was the 3 boys total. My son took his iPad as he has done many, many times when he visits friends. The next morning the other friend, I'll call him Peter left, earlier in the morning. My son and his friend could not find his iPad. They enlisted the Mom's help and they tore up the house. Nothing.

My son came home and told us they could not find it. Weren't too concerned as it could not grow legs and walk away. It was either with at their house or with the other friend, Peter.

Background on Peter. Last summer he took my son's game control and left his broken one as they looked the same, my son and I assumed he just grabbed the wrong one. My son got it back as he called him on it. Then a few weeks later, he took my son's disc whilst visiting our home again. my son called and got it back right away. Then the warning bells went off for me.

Fast forward to this week. The parents of the boy who had the sleepover called us last night to discuss the missing iPad. They also concurred that it was most likely the other friend who took it. They tore up their house again looking for it, even looking in odd rooms (Laundry room, their bedroom, etc...everywhere...t hey searched for hours as they felt soooo bad that it happened in their home). They told us that their own son's game controls went missing as well as other small items and that last summer their son was at this friends house (peter) and saw his controllers but was too embarrassed to say anything to Peter.

So we now know without a doubt that Peter has it. We don't have a phone number to call Peter's mother. She lives just up the street from us. We are left with no choice but to pay them a visit tomorrow and talk to Peter and his mother and somehow word it (without accusing) if Peter knows where the iPad might be. My husband is livid and wants to have the police involved. I really don't want to cause those kind of ripples as well, the boy Peter is a good kid, but obviously made very bad choice(s).:no:

Our friend (the boy's mother) who hosted the sleepover will see Peter and his mother at hockey practice tomorrow when she takes her son. She will approach her and tactfully ask if her son knows what happened? Where it could be? Did he take it by "accident"?

Any advice on how to approach the boy (who took the iPad) and his mother when we ring their doorbell tomorrow????

[Suzie_Homemaker]

I would call in and address it face to face.

How well do you know the mother? Would it maybe better to speak to her first if good friends? That would allow her time to consider her planned consequence and to wholly support you when you confront child. It might be she suspects but in denial and accepting his explanation for these items appearing. It might be that she know truth deep down but not catch him out. If she really not know, or if she not know how to address it, I think she be grateful for having little warning about event to give her time to form plan for addressing.

I do think he should be confronted and in front of parent, just so he not able to make false accusations later or feel cocky in thinking parents not been told. Needs accountability of parent knowing too.

Some children go through phase of stealing. Used to called it kleptomania when we was kids. Take something little, no one notice. Take something mid-sized, get questioned but likely denials believed. It escalates and escalates and longer allowed to continue, then longer it will happen. Only way to stop it, is to call them on it. From my understand, they not actually want the item most of time. It about the thrill of taking it and not being court or thrill of fibbing their way out of situation.

It my belief that these are the kid who become compulsive liars as adults. People who need be center of attention and make up situations and events to put themselves there.

I would not bother phasing nicely and making facts more palatable. Down play the seriousness and kid will believe it not such a big deal. Has to be hard, fast, consequences and consistent otherwise this will become habit for life.

If parent unaware, they need to be and they need to be harsh with this. Otherwise soon be teenager stealing iphones and money from HS friends and then, he'll learn the hard way.

My mother have saying - If you not willing to teach your child right and wrong, the community will and they won't be so gentle. Sometime it hard to call your kid out when you think they are doing wrong and lot of parent mistake is belief hard evidence is needed. That not true. Parents know their kids. Parents need to parent and that not need evidence, just gut feeling. Only court of law needs hard evidence for consequence. Parents not require same proof.

EDIT - I sad to say, also have to consider if this good friend for your child. Not sure how young your child is. I tended not ban my kids from friends I did not like but instead, I speak with my boys and lead them to make that decision themselves.

With this, I think I would be leading my son through the thought process that Peter took this item. That he done it before even though caught. Best prediction for future behaviour is past behaviour and so, if Peter remains friendly with your son, chances is other things go missing again.

Lead child though is this what he wants for his possessions which he take care of? Explain too if Peter steal candy bar and your son just happen to be there, he will be charged with same crime even if not take something. Does he want police record just for being Peter's friend? Is Peter being true friend back? It really hard for kids to see they picked wrong person for friend but it good life lesson to have.

[babydom]

Ah that sucks. I'd just ring and say. My son is missing his iPad and so and so can't find it at the house. Can u ask Peter if he saw it before he left maybe we're leaving a spot out that we haven't looked. Or. maybe Peter grabbed it by mistake? My son is upset so we're trying hard to find it.

And if Peter does have it and return it. Watch out from now on. Don't let him over inside to play just play outside. And don't take valuables to sleepovers with him there. Good luck. Never easy confronting. Let us know what happens.

[Other Mummy]

Thank you for all the wonderful advice!

My son, dh and I went to Peter's house yesterday late afternoon. His mother answered the door. We explained the situation as diplomatically as possible. Did not come right out and accuse Peter, but laid all the facts out. How the hosts of the sleepover tore their house upside down, that the only other possible explanation is that Peter took it as a "joke" or hid it in the hosts home as a prank.

Peter's mother did not look surprised. She just kept nodding and then yelled up the stairs to Peter "Have you seen your friend's iPad??" Peter yelled back down..."it was on the bed last I saw it"... Never once did she ask for her son to come downstairs and speak with his friend and his parents, never once did she ask for my number to call me and let me know if she finds it. I had to had her my phone number and pleaded with her to call me whether she finds it or not. 24 hours later we have not heard back from these folks.

My gut tells me that we won't hear back from her. She did not look surprised when I told her so I believe she is very well aware that her son "borrows" things from friends. If that was me and someone came to my door regarding this matter, I would have my son come downstairs to speak with his friend and his parents. I would then tear the house over looking for the stolen item and have a long frank discussion with my child. She had a good opportunity to nip this crap in the butt before her son turns into a teenager with a criminal record.

She chose to bury her head in the sand and take her son's mediocore excuse as the final word. I should have told her to look for their other friends game controls as well as they are in her son's room as well. But I didn't want to start an all off war and figure that is up to the other boys' parents to address.

My son is so hurt and feels very betrayed and angry. This boy Peter will soon get a reputation as a their amongst his friends. I told my son to leave it alone and not bring it up in front of mutual friends. The other boy who had the sleepover was also told to not bring it up. I'm livid. My son will not get a replacement as we cannot afford to replace his iPad anytime soon.

Tough Life lesson.

[Teagansmom]

I know iPads have an option to find it if it's lost/stolen using the Apple ID. I know you can disable it perhaps if it wasn't you can find it that way.

[Lou]

Call the police.

[3rdtimesacharm]

I would be tempted to get the police involved. If someone has it then it was clearly stolen. If you call and make a police report (which you would need to do if you wish to claim this on your home insurance), then the police may want to interview the people present when the iPad was stolen. (I don't say missing as it clearly is not at the hosts' house as they have searched and searched.) The police would go to each boys' house and get a statement (Peters house included) and I bet this time Peter won't have the privilege of hiding in his bedroom during that time! I don't see anything accusatory happening here if all the boys were asked by an authority figure besides your family. It may prompt some seriousness into the situation! I know personally, if I had a $500 item stolen I would be calling it as it is: a THEFT.

[torontokids]

I was going to say the same thing. You guys are being too nice about this whole thing. Call the police and have them investigate. I would have said as much to Peter's mom when I went over. You really don't know if the sleepover kid didn't take it either. All fingers point to Peter but who knows. I am sure he was helping to search his own house so he could of hid it in a room he was "searching."

[ebhappydc]

Sad to hear this is happening. Reminds me of a neighborhood boy having same reputation where I live a few years ago when he was around 12. It got worse, and when he got his drivers license at 16 he became a cocky dangerous neighborhood driver. Parents around here confronted and threatened to call police if he didn't smarten up. He ended up totalling his car by himself out in the country roads and luckily now can't drive til he's 25 due to insurance. Bad apple.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Thank you for all the wonderful advice!

My son, dh and I went to Peter's house yesterday late afternoon. His mother answered the door. We explained the situation as diplomatically as possible. Did not come right out and accuse Peter, but laid all the facts out. How the hosts of the sleepover tore their house upside down, that the only other possible explanation is that Peter took it as a "joke" or hid it in the hosts home as a prank.

Peter's mother did not look surprised. She just kept nodding and then yelled up the stairs to Peter "Have you seen your friend's iPad??" Peter yelled back down..."it was on the bed last I saw it"... Never once did she ask for her son to come downstairs and speak with his friend and his parents, never once did she ask for my number to call me and let me know if she finds it. I had to had her my phone number and pleaded with her to call me whether she finds it or not. 24 hours later we have not heard back from these folks.

My gut tells me that we won't hear back from her. She did not look surprised when I told her so I believe she is very well aware that her son "borrows" things from friends. If that was me and someone came to my door regarding this matter, I would have my son come downstairs to speak with his friend and his parents. I would then tear the house over looking for the stolen item and have a long frank discussion with my child. She had a good opportunity to nip this crap in the butt before her son turns into a teenager with a criminal record.

She chose to bury her head in the sand and take her son's mediocore excuse as the final word. I should have told her to look for their other friends game controls as well as they are in her son's room as well. But I didn't want to start an all off war and figure that is up to the other boys' parents to address.

My son is so hurt and feels very betrayed and angry. This boy Peter will soon get a reputation as a their amongst his friends. I told my son to leave it alone and not bring it up in front of mutual friends. The other boy who had the sleepover was also told to not bring it up. I'm livid. My son will not get a replacement as we cannot afford to replace his iPad anytime soon.

Tough Life lesson.

I know and i am sorry it happened :( You have every right to be upset. I would call the police too. Especially since A- this kid has a reputation of stealing and he needs to be tough a lesson and nip it in the butt before he grows up to be a delinquent and B- to teach his mother you don't bury your head in the sand and won't stand for anyone stealing your things. Ipads are expensive! I don't have one- never have.... and your son didn't deserve to have his stolen.

[Other Mummy]

I know iPads have an option to find it if it's lost/stolen using the Apple ID. I know you can disable it perhaps if it wasn't you can find it that way.

My husband did enable this feature. When the iPad gets charged (It is offline now and completely dead) it shows on the screen Lost - Please Call xxx-xxx-xxxx

I'm sure at this point Peter knows we are serious and that we know it is most likely him who took it. He might panic and throw it away.

We are on the fence about getting the police involved. I am giving Peter's mother another day or so to come back to me with an answer one way or another. The police would have to be the last resort.

[Other Mummy]

I a still have a small glimmer of hope that Peter will return the iPad to my son at school tomorrow. My rational side says that the odds on that are very, very small :no:

[Suzie_Homemaker]

I'm sure at this point Peter knows we are serious and that we know it is most likely him who took it. He might panic and throw it away.

I understand this cultural difference and my husband is Canadian but it frustrate me no end when people are so nice, non-confrontational and non-accusatory when it's plain as day that this boy took ipad.

You know 100% he has it yet say "most likely". You know he theif. You now know parent aware he theif yet she enabling. You know this kid have zero accountability yet still being non-confrontational.

This is how kids like this and their parents, get away with being this way.

Personally, I would go back to house, following mother reaction of non surprize. Tell her that you know your ipad was taken by her son. That you want it back right now and not going until you get it. If she want to call the police and have you removed, that fine. They can deal with the whole situation when they arrive.

It non issue that your husband disabled ipad. Big deal. Thief coping in their life without ipad before and will manage to do so again. Just a wasted stolen item but easy come, easy go.

[flowerchild]

Do you have email addresses for the parents of all the kids who were at the party? Could you email all of them together and explain that your son's iPad went missing during the party and could they please check with their child or their child's bags to make sure it didn't come home with them by mistake. You could add something about your next step being to report the missing iPad to the police. That may prompt it to reappear quite quickly.

Or just call the police and report it missing.

How would a parent not notice if their kid had an iPad all of a sudden? It's not like a hot wheel where their kid probably has a bunch and they wouldn't know one from the other. It's an expensive electronic. If someone came to my door like you had, I'd probably either ask my son in the moment or I'd promise to look into it and then get back to you. There would then be a thorough search of his room and belongings to check for the iPad. As I'm writing this, I think I would probably look before asking him about it...that way he wouldn't have time to hide it or get rid of it.

[ebhappydc]

I understand this cultural difference and my husband is Canadian but it frustrate me no end when people are so nice, non-confrontational and non-accusatory when it's plain as day that this boy took ipad.

You know 100% he has it yet say "most likely". You know he theif. You now know parent aware he theif yet she enabling. You know this kid have zero accountability yet still being non-confrontational.

This is how kids like this and their parents, get away with being this way.

Personally, I would go back to house, following mother reaction of non surprize. Tell her that you know your ipad was taken by her son. That you want it back right now and not going until you get it. If she want to call the police and have you removed, that fine. They can deal with the whole situation when they arrive.

It non issue that your husband disabled ipad. Big deal. Thief coping in their life without ipad before and will manage to do so again. Just a wasted stolen item but easy come, easy go.

Yes. Unfortunately problem is if it can't be proven they can sue for emotional distress for poor Peter.

[Other Mummy]

Yes, ebhappydc we have thought of this as well. Unfortunately we don't have any proof that he actually took it. It is hearsay. I want to contact the authorities as a final resort. I'm still hoping that Peter will return it today at school or at the very least his mother will contact me today. It is more distressing to think that Peter's mother is doing NOTHING but being in denial and condoning his behaviour. I think Peter's punishment will go further then just being startled at seeing the police at his door. Which will probably result in nothing. The truth is his friends will learn of his reputation and he will lose friends. He will not be allowed at any other families homes for sleepovers. How could any of the parents trust him now? He will get his just desserts, unfortunately my son will still be out of an iPad :(

[Suzie_Homemaker]

Yes. Unfortunately problem is if it can't be proven they can sue for emotional distress for poor Peter.

How is this emotionally distressing for Peter? Standing at parent door, telling them to be parent or call police is not distressing for Peter. All that happen to Peter is his parent maybe check his room which they should have done, or his parent call the police. Peter not even got to be there.

Everyone so worried about maybe they get sued for upsetting a theif. No one worried about making kid accountable and having very uncomfortable situation with parent no willing to be a parent. This is what is wrong with modern world. Kids be jerks, parents be inadequate, every one else worried about being sued for doing the right thing.

Let them sue for emotional distress, no case. How about you counter claim for emotional distress to your child in having items stolen by friend?

[kindertime]

I don't really know how to word this right, but I'll try. I don't know if these things are different for boys and girls, but when this happened to me at that same age as your son, I didn't know what to do, and it still affects me today.

I have been reading your posts about this situation and thought I would share my now older, wiser feelings. When my best friend would steal from me, I didn't tell my parents. (The things were not valuable, so there wouldn't have been a discussion of police.) She did it to manipulate me. She knew she could and used it against me. I continued to be friends with her through highschool but not long after that, it was complicated and I haven't spoken to her for over 10 years now.

I would be afraid, that if you don't stand up for your son, it may affect him long term too. The iPad is valuable, and for that reason, the police should be involved, (maybe even just a conversation with someone at the police station, "what should I do?" kind of thing.) Again, maybe it is different for boys and girls, but this Peter is NOT your son's friend. And he is not a friend to the other boy, either. There can be no friendship if there is no trust. Plain and simple. Your son deserves better treatment from the people in his life and I think it's your job to show him that.

[Fun&care]

The problem is though that there is no cold hard proof that it's him only speculation. I'm all for confrontation when its warranted but thats really up to the op if she feels it's approriate.

I do agree that the police should be involved, as it is an expensive item but standing at the thief's door until you get removed by the police just doesn't seem practical at all. There are other ways of dealing with a situation like this and I would say at this point to simply get the police involved.

Needless to say, and I'm sure you already know, I would be very careful about my childs interaction with this boy moving forward.

I'm sorry you and your son have to go through this. My son would be pretty upset if it happened to him.

[mickyc]

So unfortunate. Hard lesson for your child to learn. Honestly Peter is not the kind of friend your son should have. If I was this group of boys I think I would not be inviting Peter over anymore!

Maybe I am the only one here but I don't think I would call the police. Lesson learned and move on. Unfortunately not all parents think the same as we do. I would have been going through my child's bags and room but she obviously doesn't really care. Unless there is real proof he took it then the police can't really do anything.

[Van]

when my son was 12 we had a party at my house and a boy took a pricey new pair of runner from the shoe pile and left his old pair. we did not notice till all the boys were going home - the mother of the son of the stolen shoes called the school and the principal had a quick chat with the thief the next day at school and he was told to give the shoes back or else- so the boy came back to our house and gave me the shoes - he said I am sorry to me and I gave them to the boy missing the shoes- I think I was easier to deal with me than the mother of the stolen shoes son, but I was so glad the mother called the principal and the school got involved - can you call the principal without calling the police, as she/he knows the child involved, and can manage the situation better

[Other Mummy]

The short of it is we have no proof that Peter took the iPad. When we inquired with the police, we were told that they could get a statement from each party but that is pretty much it. The chances of recovering the iPad are pretty much nil. Unless Peter grows a conscience we are not getting it back. The police would be questioning our friends family (the boy who had the sleepover) as much as they would be questioning Peter. It is all moot.

As far as calling the school. I really don't think they will get involved. It happened outside of school hours and away from school property. Again, they don't know the history of Peter's stealing in the past, nor do they want to get involved in a legal dispute that does not involve the school in any shape or form.

Like I said previously, Peter may get away with this one, but his time is ticking. His friends are quickly learning he's a thief and not to be trusted. I think the biggest lesson (if he even learns one in this case) is that there are consequences for every action. Peter's consequences will play out slowly when he starts to lose friends (my son and the other boy who hosted the sleepover for one) and for his mother.....she will be certainly getting phone calls at 3:00am in the future to come and bail her delinquent son out of jail.

[Fun&care]

So sorry to hear other mummy. It is disturbing to say the least that any parent would let their child do something like this to their friend, or to anyone really.

[MsBell]

you would think the parents would step up, and make this right!?! If my son came home with an Ipad, I would notice, and there would be lots of questions!

[bright sparks]

God this sucks!! Seems like your hands are tied and I'd hate to be in your shoes or your sons. I wouldn't have let him take the ipad out of the house though being such a high ticket item to be honest. My kids have ipads and under no circumstances do they leave the house. I don't care whether they like it or not. It is to avoid situations like this and that I would be sick if a $700 item were to go walk about or get broken.

Only on one occasion has my son taken the laptop to a friends when it was just the two of them and they wanted to play an online game together on two separate machines and I spoke to his mom prior to sending it. Obviously a much harder item to get stolen and sneak in a bag being full size. My son was also told that this was a privilege and should it become broken, he owed me the cash to replace it so he better look after it.

I understand that there is no proof of who took it, but if there is no consequence or opportunity to be held accountable for taking it, guess what, where is Peter's incentive to grow a conscience? There is none. He has gotten away with it, and because no one is taking extra steps that effect him, he is laughing his ass off and will do it again. I GUARANTEE!! I had a huge problem with stealing as a child until I was about 14 and it's only when I was confronted by police and admitted my problem that I got help and stopped before it destroyed my life and became and adulthood issue. I had a very traumatic childhood and unbeknownst to anyone else I had lots of causes to act out in such a manner. I think it's also in Peters best interest to be confronted by the police too. He needs help and likely isn't getting it at home. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if the police questioned everyone at this party. There would be no hiding from the fact that SOMEONE stole it and while it may not make the ipad miraculously appear, it may be the first step to helping prevent this kind of thing happen again.

Also, keep checking in on the location app for the iPad. I doubt this kid will be able to restrain himself enough long term to not charge that ipad so you may eventually find it. If the police were to be involved, even just to question the boy and his family and then it were in fact to turn up at his house or on his person, that would be a great opportunity for Peter to have his comeuppance.

[bright sparks]

you would think the parents would step up, and make this right!?! If my son came home with an Ipad, I would notice, and there would be lots of questions!

Kids who steal are smarter than we give them credit for. Also a lot of parents are not that connected with their kids, or give them so much privacy that all sorts goes missed.

[Suzie_Homemaker]

The parents won't step up. The police apparently won't help. Only option is to confront the parent. Let them threaten to sue. They won't do it. Their son is a lying thief and end of the day, they not risk him being found out. They not risk bringing their son to testify about how traumatised he is to be thought of as a thief. They not risk all other parents stepping up about missing items from their homes too.

[Dreamalittledream]

It's funny, I am feeling more angry at the Mom who apparently couldn't care less than I am at Peter! How very sad. All of us would have that child down to the door in a second & questioning him....looking everywhere for it. My goodness...it's an IPad! She is so perpetuating his behavior. My 9 year old son begs me daily to take his Pokemon cards, or IPod or whatever to school....(of course 'everyone does, Mom')...but nope, I'm so scared the same will happen (especially since my son is forgetful as it is:)

[Other Mummy]

Everyone who knows this story is more angry at the mother of the boy who stole the iPad. I'm furious. She is burying her head in the sand. But interestingly enough, it's going to come full circle tonight when Peter's mom and the sleepover hosts mom meet at their son's hockey practice. Wish I could be a fly on the wall.

I went to Peter's house again yesterday to speak with the mother again. She never called me back to let me know if she even looked for the iPad at her house. We went on Saturday and at this point it is 3 days later. 3 days to call me and let me know either way. So when I drove by and noticed her car in the driveway I decided to pay her another follow up visit. I know Peter did not come clean, but I wanted to hear what she had to say about the situation.

She answered all pleasant and welcoming. Told me she was "going to get around to calling me" :blink::blink: and that she looked in Peter's room and the spare room and her younger son's room and could not find it. Then she made a half hearted attempt at a joke about how "Messy" her son's room was. Seriously lady? Then she said she would talk to the mom who held the sleepover to see where it could have gone? Perhaps it was a prank? Wait until sleepover mom tells Peter's mom that her son saw his game controls in Peter's room in the summer. Yikes.

Last night my dh went to pick up our son from his friends house (same friend that had sleepover) and spoke with his dad. for an hour. My husband told him how blasé Peter's mother was about the whole thing. How she still insists her son last saw it on the bed. The dad was very frustrated and getting upset with Peter and his mother. She is not being a parent but allowing this behaviour to continue.

My son is still hoping some how he will get it back.

[Lee-Bee]

It may very well be that the mom isn't 'burying her head in the sand' thinking her child is perfect, but rather she just doesn't care. Just because you have a child doesn't mean your morals all get lined up. There are plenty of adults out there (with and without kids) that just feel that they can have what they want. Adults steal stuff all the time, adults feel that if they want it it is theirs, adults feel that they should get to have something because someone else can afford it but they can't so they can take it and the other person can just buy a new one. These people have kids too and they aren't likely to have a different set of standards for their child.

Unfortunately if this is the case then there is little hope of ever coming to a satisfactory end here because no matter how much you disapprove or how direct you are they will just shrug it off and deny it because in their mind they are justified in doing what they do.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Just interested to know if your son ever got his iPad back and if Peter was dealt with, and if Peter's mother took her head out her butt yet? ;)