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ebhappydc
06-02-2015, 07:05 AM
Hey guys, this isn't dc related sorry. but i haven't been able to sleep and i can't ask my friends cause small circle and kids know eachother and i don't want my daughter to get upset with me.
she was asked on a date by a boy in highschool this week and they're going out Wed nite to a movie she told me. my daughter is a late bloomer, basically, has never dated or been kissed. She'll be 17 soon so i know i have to let go, but i don't really know anything about boy, who is about a year older.
I'm a bit of a nervous parent (more than others in my circle and neighbours), but my question is, do i make them come in before they go so i can meet him?
Also, she told me his first name and i kinda searched her yearbook and there were a couple of possibilities, but i narrowed it down to one and then i creeped his face book.... do you think i'm way out of line? my daughter would be so upset that i'm looking into all this.
His fb is typical teen stuff, but he is a rather big tall guy (and yes gorgeous as my daughter said)... she's all wide eyed right now and in la-la land, and i just don't want anything to happen.... like going to park the car after the movie...
I can't sleep!!! she's a smart girl so i do trust her...i just don't know him at all.
Should i just chill?
thanks so much

bright sparks
06-02-2015, 08:02 AM
I think he should be introducing himself to you prior to taking your daughter out. If you have never met him before and he is a year older than your daughter then this is what I would expect...in fact from anyone of any age. I would maybe try to be upfront with your daughter about this, explaining that before they go, you would like to meet this young man. I think that while she may be a little embarrassed, she will probably understand and be okay with it. Also, if this guy is any good, he won't have a problem with it either. As long as you have talked to your daughter about safety and precautions and she lets you know where she will be and what time she will be home, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Sounds like from what you have said that she is a smart girl anyway.

As for trying to find things out about him, don't do it to yourself. Nothing you find out good or bad will help this situation because how would you act after finding something out anyway? Your daughter would lose trust in you if you confronted her or him so I think the better thing to do is not sneak about but ask her and him outright the things you need to know for reassurance. I am a worry wart too, I get it, but this kind of thing just feeds our anxiety and the only way to conquer this is to not buy into the sneaking around at all. Just be glad she is a late bloomer and wasn't doing this earlier :)

High School in the UK starts at age 11 so this starts a lot earlier. My daughter is 14 and has little crushes, mainly on movie stars lol but no boyfriends yet and I constantly thank god she isn't doing her schooling in England because by now it would be all kinds of hairy! UK schools do not teach abstinence, so I'll let you fill in the blanks!!! 17 and never been kissed sounds wonderful to me now as a mother :)

Suzie_Homemaker
06-02-2015, 08:34 AM
[QUOTE]my question is, do i make them come in before they go so i can meet him?

No. Not if you want her to continue to confide in you regard boys. You have to show you trust her judgement and accept this is potentially going to become a relationship which is entirely hers. You will be invited in only to a level she comfortable sharing like any other couple just shares information they deem relevant. Don't risk her feeling like you prying or interfering because then she will be less open in future.


Also, she told me his first name and i kinda searched her yearbook and there were a couple of possibilities, but i narrowed it down to one and then i creeped his face book.... do you think i'm way out of line?

Yes - especially as you know she'd be upset. Again you have to trust her judgement, and respect it's not your relationship. If you don't, if it all ends with a little heartbreak, she'll hide it from you when she needs you most.


Should i just chill? Yes. You said she is smart girl. Then trust her to use her common sense. You can't protect them from life experience but you can keep your trust with each other so she has you to talk to, if she need it.

Fun&care
06-02-2015, 08:59 AM
I think that the fact she has stayed away from boys this long definitely is a huge win for you as her mom!

I think if you have the opportunity to meet than that's great but just go with the flow and see how it goes. I wouldn't stress too much about it.

One thing to consider- hubby and I have been together since we were 13/14. So treat him like he is "the one" because he just might be. You never know!

Not sure if you have talked about protection or the pill or whatever but now is probably a good time. It was my mothers biggest mistake (not talking about protection or sex at all...I guess she figured the school system would handle it). She even refused to put me on the pill because she thought it would make me more promiscuous. So I went to the health unit and put myself on it without her knowing. Guaranteed I would have been pregnant by 15 had I not put myself on it. Anyways it's a super personal decision but one worth thinking about!

Lee-Bee
06-02-2015, 10:42 AM
If she is 17 she has some years of wisdom behind her (even if it's a first date) so she is a tad less likely to be coerced into something she isn't ready for.

Your best bet right now is to be open and share in her excitement. If you are standing over her with a gloomy outlook of all that can go wrong she will be more likely to withdrawal from you...especially if something happens that she is uncomfortable with. It is hard enough to go to someone for help, but if that person will have an "I told you so" position then it is even harder!

Help her plan her outfit, be excited with her and let her know you are there for her. If she asks for advice or voices concerns nervousness take her lead on where to bring the conversation but don't go so far and risk ending the communication.

She is 17, she is likely somewhat aware of risks, birth control and all that. I wouldn't cram it down her throat now. If for what ever reason this date doesn't lead to more THEN I would start talking, opening about birth control and all that so she has had that talk BEFORE she is about to go on a date...so it isn't a lecture but is just open conversation.

Right now...celebrate. Slip in some useful info when you can. I would lay off the facebook stalking etc. If there is a chance she can find out then it will shut down any communication which puts her at risk.

I advise you to invite your own friend over on her date night. You will need distraction so you don't sit staring at the clock in a panic!!!!

bright sparks
06-02-2015, 11:33 AM
I advise you to invite your own friend over on her date night. You will need distraction so you don't sit staring at the clock in a panic!!!!

I think this is a great piece of advice :) I don't think there is anything wrong with asking to meet the guy if it's just taking an interest in your daughters life and you are close. It's not about being negative or giving him the fifth degree, but just a quick hello how are you in my book is common courtesy and showing your child that you are interested in their life without being overbearing.

innisfildaycare
06-02-2015, 11:39 AM
Nothing is wrong with inviting him in, for maybe a glass of water before they head out. Personally, I dont have girls and my boys are fairly young still (11 and 8)...but NOTHING and NOONE will stop me from snooping, over re-acting and hiding behind bushes to watch over my boys!! LOL

ebhappydc
06-02-2015, 12:34 PM
Thank you everyone, your advice has helped me a lot, and i'm calmer about it now. You've convinced me not to disguise myself and sit 2 rows back at the movie..... I don't know why i automatically think of all that could go wrong.... I definitely want to keep my great relationship with her so i'll be careful what i say and do. Teens are so sensitive i find; i will talk with her tonight and tell her how excited i am she's going on a date and how much i would like to meet this fellow before they go, without sounding desperate. I feel it's good for him to see that she has parents that care. These days friends text when they arrive in the driveway so i guess he wouldn't have to come to the door. I'll leave it up to them and not force it. Luckily it's a school nite, so most likely come home after movie.

I definitely will put my Sherlock Holmes magnify glass away because the guilt is getting me today. Although it was stuff he put on FB for public to see and not the personal stuff only his friends could get into... i saw enough and he looks decent (i know, can't judge a book...). i don't want to feed my anxiety anymore!

She is academically one of the top students at school, so i just hope her marks don't go in the toilet, especially when they're starting to count for university consideration..., but i guess that's up to her too.... i'm not used to seeing her face have this goofy dreamy smile on it .. lol..

If i can't get a friend to come over tomorrow nite, i'll make a date for myself with a small glass of wine whilst playing Frozen's "Let it go...."

man, it takes a village, doesn't it?

ebhappydc
06-03-2015, 05:54 PM
Update:
He came to the door and introduced himself and shook my hand. He is drop dead gorgeous. Now I'm really worried. He must have other girls. Well, I said " have a good time" and off they went. Why am I giddy? No need for wine, I'm not nervous anymore. I'll bite my tongue off when she comes home so not to ask what happened. Hope she tells me tho, but I have to remember I'm not her girlfriend, she has plenty of those. I'm going to garden.

Lee-Bee
06-04-2015, 06:38 AM
Do we get an update to your update??? How did it go after??

ebhappydc
06-04-2015, 08:09 AM
Do we get an update to your update??? How did it go after??

Hee hee. I don't know much! Didn't come home too late but had to go to bed so not much time to talk. Plus she went to text her girlfriends afterwards in her closed dark bedroom. I can tell she's smitten, and smiles when she talks about him. A lot. She says he is soooo nice. Only concern I have is he's considering joining military in a year and I don't know how I feel about that. But my main concern was her safety with a guy I didn't know at all and I'm at peace with that part now. She's in charge of her heart right?

3rdtimesacharm
06-04-2015, 09:43 AM
I met my husband when I was 16, and 6 months later he joined the military, I moved across the country when I was almost 19 and the rest is history. We are closer to family now and I see them once every couple months or so, but life is great. A well-paying, secure job, and the values and military lifestyle is very empowering for military wives managing on their own weeks at a time.
It could be worse, he could have NO life aspirations and/or be a scum bag! I think it sounds like she is a very smart girl and he sounds like a catch!
Glad to hear it went well!!

bright sparks
06-04-2015, 10:48 AM
I met my husband when I was 16, and 6 months later he joined the military, I moved across the country when I was almost 19 and the rest is history. We are closer to family now and I see them once every couple months or so, but life is great. A well-paying, secure job, and the values and military lifestyle is very empowering for military wives managing on their own weeks at a time.
It could be worse, he could have NO life aspirations and/or be a scum bag! I think it sounds like she is a very smart girl and he sounds like a catch!
Glad to hear it went well!!

LOL not sure if this helps ebhappydc's anxiety lol talking about moving across the country as a military wife when her daughter is just going on her first date haha I can just imagine the "OMG" going on in her head now.

That being said you are definitely right 3rdtimesacharm (I'm not trying to be rude making this comment, simply imagining the train of thought ebhappydc might be having thinking about what happened with you). Could be a hell of a lot worse like you said...and I really wouldn't worry about the direction he is taking in life at the first date stage.

ebhappydc
06-04-2015, 11:32 AM
LOL not sure if this helps ebhappydc's anxiety lol talking about moving across the country as a military wife when her daughter is just going on her first date haha I can just imagine the "OMG" going on in her head now.

That being said you are definitely right 3rdtimesacharm (I'm not trying to be rude making this comment, simply imagining the train of thought ebhappydc might be having thinking about what happened with you). Could be a hell of a lot worse like you said...and I really wouldn't worry about the direction he is taking in life at the first date stage.

Ha-ha you're right Bright about my anxiety; I'm okay. 3rdTime sounds pretty happy so that helped me actually. I tell myself if she finds someone that is good to her and she's happy, then I'm good too. We'll see where it goes which could also be nowhere. At least my pretty little bookworm has a date under her belt!

Van
06-04-2015, 06:01 PM
Yes , enjoy her happiness and watch your garden grow - plus your little bookworm:)

ebhappydc
04-29-2016, 08:18 AM
Hi guys. Sorry to post about this again as its not dc related but u helped a lot last year with this and I need to share again. Debated whether or not to but can't sleep and wake up panicked during nite. so I'm just putting this out there again.
My 17 yr old daughter has fallen hard for her first boyfriend who is a year older. Both are finishing highschool. Everything seemed normal , usual teen stuff (movies, parties with friends, just hanging out etc) and each have been to others family for dinners etc. I can see they love eachother a lot.
Problem is he suffers from bouts of depression. I have to admit she told me this last year that sometimes he has dark times. I naively thought its probablyn growing teen pains, hormones. But this week she went over to him while he was in bad shape and having suicidal thoughts. My daughter is an empathetic person and tries to support him but she comes home completely drained. The reason she told me whats going on is because i got quite upset with her this week about being lazy about applying for scholarships. She says she's having trouble concentrating and is worried about him. She said his parents are aware and he has received councelling for it in past. My daughter knows this is affecting her. Luckily her marks were high enough to have early acceptance into a very good local university here.
I don't want this for my daughter. He has many great qualities, but I don't want this.
I haven't been able to share this with my husband as he's interviewing for jobs and I don't want him to worry. But I'll have to tell him eventually.
And I know I can't do the old "I forbid you forbid you to see him".
Bf is likely going to another univ in the fall and eventually to military. I don't know how he's going to cope in the military with depression.

I suppose this is just going to be a wait and see while I bite my nails bloody? I actually look forward to the 5 rambunctious DCB s coming each day to divert my attention (yup, that's how bad it is). I even noticed how intuitive daycare kids can be as the boys have been giving me extra hugs this week (my brows are furrowed).

I'm not really venting as I'm not mad. I can't describe how I feel other than sad. I've been doing reading this week on teen depression and it's opened my eyes.
I think I can only be there for my daughter right? should I limit her use of my car to see him less? I'm hoping they'll grow apart. Am I selfish for hoping they'll break up? I care for him, but I care for my daughter more. Life is hard enough even without dealing with mental illness. I just want her to have a normal life.
Tx

lemondrop
04-29-2016, 12:03 PM
We have some issues with depression in our family. This article is really well written and might help both you and your daughter: http://www.huffingtonpost.c om/literally-darling/loving-someone-with-depression_b_4002503 .html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Lee-Bee
04-29-2016, 12:12 PM
Such a difficult situation.

I think the key thing is to be there for your daughter. Don't get in a position where she is choosing him over you...the boy will likely win (not due to lack of love or more love to him but due to teenagers trying to exert independence and control).

When you can, make sure she knows SHE comes first she NEEDS to take of her needs before she takes care of his needs. I would advise these types of conversations come up when he is in a good state and all is well. Just plant the seed for her to use when times are tough.

Does he have supports? His family, medical professionals? She can't be the only one holding him up.

While my experience here is limited I had an old daycare family where dad was very sick (mental health). He did not work at all in the 2 yrs I cared for their daughter and mom was essentially a single mom. There were stretches where she was trying to work and do daycare drop off and pick ups and everything despite dad being home all day. I can't imagine how hard it is. It was also hard on the child. While the good times do make the bad times worth it. I believe it is crucial that the partners needs (your daughter) are being met and that they have help/support to pick up the slack when the one with depression is not 'functional'.

Right now...she needs to know you are there for her. If you can't field her questions and provide info she needs maybe she would be open to you connecting her with someone. It can be as simple as her going to see a counselor/therapist to talk about what she sees and her role in supporting him. You don't need to be the one with the 'problems' to benefit from therapy. It is a good way to process thoughts and make plans :-)

Van
04-29-2016, 03:55 PM
I feel for you and I feel sick right now
I left my first boyfriend after I wrote down a few pro and con of the situation that I needed to think it out without family help or anyone else pointing out things
I suggest she has to see the long term effect of being with someone who may be suffering from depression - does she need this in her life? Will his moods may drag her down ?
let her think about these things without saying RUN
Hugs to you her and even him

Muccalto1990
12-13-2022, 01:37 AM
These are tips which is applicable to good parent
Accept that you're fearful, and learn the real risks and facts.
Expose yourself to your fears to conquer them.
Get professional help.
Get moving.
Talk to other parents.
Take concrete steps toward preventing catastrophes.
Confide in your partner, in private.
Remember to breathe.

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