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View Full Version : Teaching toddler not to be a victim



sunnydays
11-08-2011, 01:33 PM
Anyone have any way to teach a toddler not to let others make them cry all the time? I'm not sure if it is even possible at 19 months, but any tips would be appreciated as I have a little one who cries very easily and is very sensitive. When the others scream, she cries and this makes them want to do it more for the reaction (something that was started and copied from a child who I had to terminate). I feel so bad for her when she is upset, but have a hard time stopping the others from screaming (advice on that is welcome too!) and wonder if there is something I can do to teach her not to cry so they won't keep doing it.

playfelt
11-08-2011, 05:58 PM
First determine if the child that is crying all the time is doing it because they are overwhelmed by noise and confusion, if they are doing it for your attention, or if they are doing it because it is now learned behaviour. Either way this suggestion will work it is just the tone of voice you as the caregiver uses will depend on which of the above you think it is. When she starts to cry regardless of what the others are doing send her just outside the area or to a specific spot to get over it - far enough away that it will be calmer and quieter there. It's like giving her a retreat place - even under a table if that is what makes her happy. The idea is she is responsible for making herself happy again and stays there till she is. If she is doing it for attention going to the cry place will get old very quickly. She may realish the "trouble" the other kids get into for making her cry so unless they are doing it directly to her to make her cry then let the noise they are making go as if it is normal and have the crier be the one to retreat.

I have one that runs from noise and hides in a swivel chair I have near the window and he turns it so he can't see us. He is now 3 and has always been like this. From the time he was safe in that chair that is where I put him to fuss, turned him half way around so he had privacy of sorts but wasn't excluded as in could see us still. From just over 2 he started making the chair go all the way around himself. I am convinced he has issues that need investigating but having a hard time convincing others if you know what I mean. I would either send him to the chair or now once he goes to the chair then I will quietly say something to the other kids that the noise level is getting out of control etc. I never do it in front of him because I don't want him to learn that he can control anything by his running away behaviour.

Sometimes this is when it is time as the caregiver to step in and do an activity with the kids to change the focus off the screaming and crying and then let them go back to freeplay and hope they all have transitioned - a quick story, song, all going to look out the window, whatever, the break doesn't have to be long.

sunnydays
11-09-2011, 12:20 PM
Playfelt: thank you so much for always giving me good advice on all my questions! What has happened is that the child who I terminated starting screaming at this other child on purpose to make her cry, so it became learned begaviour. That child is now gone, but my 16 month old daughter learned to do the same and has picked up where the other left off. I don't know how I can make her stop and I know that if she didn't get the reaction of crying, she would not do it. I don't think the cryer is doing it for attention, but it is like a stimulus-response and she gets very upset, closes her eyes and just cries and cries. It happens most at the table during meals and I try to sing a song or anything else I can think of to take their attention off it, but it is hard to get her to stop crying. She tends to cry easily when she falls down, can't do something, etc, and she is just a sensitive type. She doesn't cry about other loud noises though...it is the association with the screaming that started with the child I had who used to bully a lot. I am worried that if I remove her from the table, it will be like punishing her. I could remove my daughter, but even if I move her a bit away from the table, she can still scream. Maybe I need to have more distractions than just singing. I feel that if I can stop it from happening for even a little while, they will forget about this little game.

mom-in-alberta
11-14-2011, 03:39 PM
I agree; playfelt seems to have fantastic advice!! :)
It does sound like she is very sensitive. Continue to reassure her, but without giving excessive attention to it all. Hopefully the poor little thing forgets that bully in due time!

sunnydays
11-14-2011, 07:24 PM
Actually it has gotten so much better! The bully has been gone for just over a week, and today was the first day that there was no screaming and no crying because of it :) Playfelt's advice made me start thinking more about how I could distract her from it and also teach her a way to cope. She loves singing songs, so I started not just singing a song myself (which I had tried before), but asking her to sing Twinkle Twinkle (her favourite song) and it worked! She started singing and forgot about the screaming and the crying :) And once she was no longer crying, everyone else stopped screaming because it was no longer fun. I will continue using this method for her when things upset her more than they should...I am so happy to have found a way to help her calm herself :) Thanks playfelt for helping me on this path :)