Comforting Children

[torontokids]

I am at a loss with my handful and I have always questioned whether I am the best fit for him or if group care is the best fit for him. He has these epic meltdowns that I am not sure how to handle anymore. He gets very upset when something happens e.g. he wanted the blue broom and he got the green broom- epic meltdown. He threw a car at someone so he wasn't allowed to play with the race track anymore- epic meltdown. I was sick yesterday and was closed so this was essentially "Monday" for him, Mondays are always hard.

When he has these epic meltdowns I try to ignore him. This has helped to deescalate things for sure (most of the time) but sometimes I feel so cruel while this 2 year old cries at length and has a major struggle regaining composure. He will follow me around while I continue on with my time outside, help another child or just try and keep busy so I can ignore him. It feels very unnatural to me to not console him at times...other times I can't get far enough away from him.

I'm looking for advice. I have never had a child that A) takes so long to calm down or B) has so many meltdowns.

[superfun]

I do the same with one of my handfuls. So does his mom. But I'm really curious to see if anyone has any other advice. With my handful, if you try to help him calm down, he gets way worse.

[hockey mom]

I have a "handful" as well that has several major tantrums a day. I generally choose to ignore them as well --- I do not want to reward her with attention. Also, trying to diffuse the situation only seems to escalate it. At times I feel bad as well but what are the alternatives? I refuse to walk on eggshells or give in to her to avoid the tantrums (like her parents do). I find cocktails on Friday night helpful!

[babydom]

I ignore my handfuls too during a temper tantrum/meltdowns....but they must sit on a spot to calm down, like a timeout. when they are done screaming and having their tantrum than they can get up and join the group to play. I use to let them follow me around crying but it gave me a headache and disturbed everyone, so now they sit on the spot until they have composed themselves however long that is and then they get up to play and I find that works really well. As some kids just need a quiet spot by themselves to allow them to express what they're feeling and to regain their emotions on their own time. They are allowed to feel upset and cry and have a meltdown after all he wanted that truck or wanted to play with the race car, that's world crushing for a 2yr old...lol. So I allow them to feel but on they're own in quiet so it doesn't bother anyone else. When they are done they usually come to me and I give them snuggles. My kids know they never get cuddles if they are screaming their head off because they got in trouble. :)

[torontokids]

I like the idea of him having to stay in one spot during these meltdowns. I used to reinforce this more but found that he would get so much additional negative attention from me continually putting him back in his spot. I think I'll go back to this and perhaps introduce a "crying corner" in essence.

[babydom]

Trust me....the more u put him by himself to cry he will quickly realize it isn't fun and will start to rethink his crying. My little guy would go sit I swear sometimes 10 times a day for losing it. After two wks of always sitting by himself he now has learned to control his outbursts. He will start and I will just look at him and and he'll stop and go play. Lol. Like he knows what I'm thinking....if your going to cry u can go sit and he's thinking now, k I'm fine I don't need to cry by myself I want to stay and play. Lol

[CrazyEight]

I put mine in a timeout too. He breaks into hysterics at the drop of a hat - I ask him to clean up, he is made to share or give back a toy he stole, he is asked to finish his milk at lunch, anything. At home, he is apparently never made to do ANY thing he doesn't want to do, and is coddled and babied like crazy. Even though he's been with me 2 years, the last 6 months he's been pulling these stunts more and more. Every single time, he gets placed on the bottom stair and left there to calm himself down. Sometimes it will take upwards of 45 minutes, but I think consistency is the most important thing, so I don't give in. He has to sit until he is done screaming, and then he can rejoin the group.

If you have one that won't sit where you put them, will they fit in a playpen? They won't like it, but it will keep them contained and eventually they will learn to calm themselves down....in theory. Or you will really appreciate home time. :)

Good luck!

[torontokids]

After some thought I am going to move our snack outside and make it a little later in the morning. I find they eat more if they are outside.

I can't put him to bed because we spend all day outside and that isn't practical. I will find a spot for him t sit and cry though. It is hard to listen to and part of why I feel I should do more is that he has been like this since he came a yr a go and it isn't getting much better...also I wonder what the neighbours think.

[superfun]

I seriously wonder what the neighbours think too. Haha. My handful screams for the silliest reasons, and it sounds like I'm trying to kill him. I wonder how far away his screaming can be heard...

[CrazyEight]

I wonder that too. My handful tripped in my front yard yesterday, got the slightest scrape imaginable, didn't even bleed, and he was hollering like I was murdering him. I tried to calm him down, but he was waaaay past the point of no return. I didn't want the rest to have to come inside, so he was put on my front step to wail away. Every time a neighbour walked by I'd announce loudly "you're fine buddy, you only tripped, there's no need for a meltdown," or something like it, just so they wouldn't think he was actually hurt. If only he'd realize he's missing out on outside time for ridiculous reasons!

[Lee-Bee]

My 2yr old daughter is a very strong willed, strong personality child. She will lose it and scream endlessly. I ignore her fits BUT I do need to give her a reality check while she is screaming. "if you continue to scream I will have to take you __ away" "we are having snack now when you stop screaming you can join us". If I just leave her she will scream for a long time. When I say the above it cue her in to what she will miss if she choses to continue.

I don't talk to her other than to say she will miss something or have something taken away if she continues. She usually then stops within a minute or two because she has a reason to stop. She then choses to stop on her own. After she is calm I remind her it is not fair for the rest of us to listen to the screaming and I inform her of what she missed while screaming.

Often the toddlers and young kids that scream for long periods...they have tuned the world out and are so focused on their screaming that they don't realize the consequence of having sat there screaming. Gentle reminders help them put it in perspective and in time help them decide not to scream so long...and hopefully at all.

[mickyc]

Tantrums result in timeout here. I have zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. They must go sit in timeout until they are done. I do not acknowledge them while in timeout (tell them to quit etc). Most kids figure it out pretty quick and the tantrums stop. I had one boy though who was a nightmare and was excessively dramatic! Timeouts didn't work as well for him. I had to start being more creative. He didn't like being last at things so if he threw a tantrum then he would be last to go outside, last in line to wash hands, last one I gave lunch to etc.

I just feel there is no point in terminating a child for being difficult. I have yet to have a group without one "handful" so I might as well just keep the one I have already! Lol

[torontokids]

So he had a much better day today. We had a small snack inside (the messy stuff e.g. yogurt) and I brought a bunch pf food outside to have. This made a huge difference! It is more of a pain and will cost me more money food wise but in the end it is worth it. I hope this was just not a coincidence and things continue to move in the right direction! He started to get upset but was also more easily redirected...who knew he may of just been "Hangry"

[Elly]

I can understand giving timeouts for tantrums over 2 years old. The idea of a timeout in the playpen is a great idea, I've done that with my 2.5 year old and it works great! But how would you go about settling a 1 year old down?

[babydom]

I do the same. My 1yrs sit on the step till they calm down. Seems to work well for me. They all understand after a few times :)

[mickyc]

Same here. Timeout for everyone. When you are done crying and settled down you can come out.

I don't use the playpen though. I don't want a child to dislike their playpen so it is never used for punishment. I have a spot on the floor by my laundry room door. Or if outside they sit by the door at the house. I actually had one boy put himself in timeout when he got upset. It was hilarious. He knew that was his spot to pout/feel mad/calm down.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I don't really do time outs for under 2's. I don't feel it's fair. They're young and don't know any better. Our job is to teach them the appropriate way to handle their anger and/or behaviour. We need to model behaviour for them. I use distraction or remove them from the area and use simple word instruction.

I try to remember that even children are allowed to be grouchy(aren't we all lol) but aggression is not so I focus more on that and less on "punishment" when they're that young

[torontokids]

So I did the same today with snack and we had a regular "melt down" morning outside. I put him in the wagon with a buckle when he started bawling about not getting his way or whatever. He cried and screamed for 15 mins or so. Came out, started wailing about a toy, went back in the wagon and the rest of the morning went better. So here's hoping! My neighbour is a teacher and so is off this summer and I got a weird look from her during all this...I find teachers can be kind of 'judgey" anyways but who knows.

He came in today super whiny. I am not sure if his parents realize how whiny their kid is. I know my daughter went through a whiny stage and I had gotten a bit used to it, it wasn't until someone had said something to me that I saw how bad it had gotten. Dad seemed to reinforce the whining though my snuggling him as he was whining away and asking "whats wrong?" etc. I said "Bobby talk like a big boy so we can help you." I think the dad might have caught on.

[mickyc]

I am not sure about how I feel about a child being restrained while in a timeout (buckled in wagon, high chair or in playpen). Child should know that if you send them to a certain spot that they need to remain there until allowed out. I tell children having a tantrum that once they have calmed down they can join the group. I think buckling them in somewhere just causes more anxiety and the child to be more upset. I think of it more as more like giving them space/time to relax and collect themselves. It is similar to a timeout but not quiet the same. Not sure if that makes sense.

[superfun]

Ha, I was thinking of this thread this morning. Mine started screaming when I tried to show him how to get onto the glider on the swing set, instead of lifting him on. And the whole morning went similar to this. He got put in the lawn chair each time. I don't think it helped, but maybe by tomorrow I'll see some changes.

[torontokids]

I am not sure about how I feel about a child being restrained while in a timeout (buckled in wagon, high chair or in playpen). Child should know that if you send them to a certain spot that they need to remain there until allowed out. I tell children having a tantrum that once they have calmed down they can join the group. I think buckling them in somewhere just causes more anxiety and the child to be more upset. I think of it more as more like giving them space/time to relax and collect themselves. It is similar to a timeout but not quiet the same. Not sure if that makes sense.

I'll be honest, it is/was not easy for me to do it but I am kind of at the end of my rope here. I tried initially putting him in a spot to calm down and he wouldn't stay (after multiple attempts at putting him back) I put him in the wagon.

[mickyc]

Oh ok. Yes if they won't stay then I understand. All my kids stay put