Help me!! :(

[babydom]

I need some pointers, encouragement, help!

I have a 12mth old boy that started last nov. so when he was 10mths and has done two full mths and going on his third. He cries ALL morning! He eats well and sleeps everyone afternoon for 3hrs so at least he's got that right. He is a sibling and his 3 yr old sister has been here since 1yr with no problems. This little guy had a bad cold as a newborn that put him in and out of the hospital for a few mths of his life. Because of this his mom has major guilt and babies him a lot....carries him around, spoon feeds still, formula still, he's the boss...he tells how it's going to go at home. Mom comes in every morning almost in tears (some mornings actually in tears) because he start to wail as soon as she opens the door.

I can't termate because then I'd lose the sister and she's great. Plus I have one spot open to still fill after a mth.....it's slow around here. There's no way I can afford three empty spots. :(

I've tried everything. EVERYTHING! Carried him around. Wore him. Bottles. Sippy cups. Dancing. Tv. Food. Toys. Up in a highchair. In a bouncer. NOTHING works with this kid. Now when we go to playgroup or outside he's perfect! But it's when we are home he's cries non stop. He hates my home and being here. Lol. He cries through every transition...when I dress him for outside, when I undress him, when I change his diaper. When I lift him in the highchair for lunch, snacks. When I move him around to different toys. When I pick him up. Just cries cries cries.

With the winter we are inside a lot more and he comes in at 7am and goes to nap at noon. (Tried am naps, he just cries. Or sleeps then cries during afternoon nap). So for 5 hrs straight we are all listening to his crying. I'm in tears now as he's wailing :(. Sigh!

It's starting to affect the other kids. My 3yr old dcb says this morning....are you going to give him a bottle? Because he wanted the crying to stop. It's hard to do our normal indoor activities. Crafts, sensory play or just plain old playing. He cries through it all.

Big sister is no help. She hates him. I mean actually DISLIKES him. He'll crawl around after her crying and she'll yell no xxxx, no xxxx, go away. I don't blame her. He probably cries a lot at home and gets cater to that she probably gets ignored.

What else can I do? What have I not tried???????

Thanks for any pointers. Feels good to just vent it :unsure::unsure::uns ure::unsure:

[mickyc]

Sorry- got nothing other than sympathy! That is so hard. I don't think I would have lasted that long.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Oh my!! So sorry you're going through this!

What is different at play groups do you think? Could you "threaten" to terminate just to make the parents aware of how serious this is? Maybe just the possibility of termination would motivate mom to curb this behaviour?

[Lee-Bee]

Set up a playpen in the corner of the main play area. When he cries pop him in, say "no crying" and leave him till he stops. If he doesn't stop, every 10min or so simply remind him "when you stop crying you can come out". As soon as he stops take him out...as soon as he starts up again pop him back. Keep calm and simply restate "no crying".

Could the fact that you are trying so many different ways to please him be what is making it longer for him to settle in?

Stop trying? Lol...just leave him to figure out that this is how it is now. If he is crying all the time with you standing on your head trying to please him then he might as well cry with you not killing yourself trying to find a magic solution.

[babydom]

Set up a playpen in the corner of the main play area. When he cries pop him in, say "no crying" and leave him till he stops. If he doesn't stop, every 10min or so simply remind him "when you stop crying you can come out". As soon as he stops take him out...as soon as he starts up again pop him back. Keep calm and simply restate "no crying".

Could the fact that you are trying so many different ways to please him be what is making it longer for him to settle in?

Stop trying? Lol...just leave him to figure out that this is how it is now. If he is crying all the time with you standing on your head trying to please him then he might as well cry with you not killing yourself trying to find a magic solution.

Oh trust me I've tried nothing. Lol. I ignore him and play with the other kids. He still cries and tries to follow his sister around. I unfortunately don't have rm to add a playpen to the playrm. I do look at him and say no firmly, I know he gets it because he'll tone it down or stop. But then I turn away and he starts again. Lol.

[babydom]

Oh my!! So sorry you're going through this!

What is different at play groups do you think? Could you "threaten" to terminate just to make the parents aware of how serious this is? Maybe just the possibility of termination would motivate mom to curb this behaviour?

Tried it. She doesn't care. Lol. I just texted her now, that I will talk to her tonight at pick up because today was bad. He's not even napping right now. No break from his crying. I seriously think I've met my match. I honestly think I've tried everything and he is just so stubborn that he probably thinks do whatever u want i won't stop.....I want out of here. Haha. I swear he thinks that!!

[Lee-Bee]

Does he cry after nap? How long is he awake before he goes home? Is he the same in this period or different?

It does just sound like he is choosing to cry because he isn't getting what he wants (what ever that may be) and if home is catering to him then all the more likely he is crying because he isn't being catered to. But I can't help but wonder if he could be sick in some way. Maybe he is like this at home (hence the sisters annoyance) but there is a root cause. Possible ear infection or stomach problem that is bothering him? He was really sick as an infant could there still be something wrong? Not sure how you would pin down what if it has been going on so long.

Can you fit a high chair in the play room to put him in when crying? Or a playpen outside the playroom but close? If it is just behavioral I think the child will need a very clear consequence to the crying to learn to stop it. It could just be so ingrained in him at this point that he doesn't even know what to do with himself. In the least...you and the other kids deserve some distance from it and a playpen really would help. Especially for the poor sister that he follows at times.

Can the sister speak enough to answer questions about his behavior at home? When he is just crying for no reason can you ask her if he does that at home. If so, what does mom do? Maybe get some info from her? Obviously take it with a grain of salt...kids distort reality lol.

[kindertime]

If he eats well, you said, does that mean that he stops crying long enough to eat? That would definately suggest to me that it is a behaviour. You're staying inside longer now anyways, how long can you drag out his snack and lunch? If he's in a highchair to eat, maybe give him just a little bit at a time, drag it out, so snack takes 30 minutes instead of 10. Same for lunch. If he's not crying when he's eating, then maybe you'll have a bit more time crying-free.

Good luck- I have been where you are - and it was a behaviour here too. Soooo draining, and so stressfull. :)

[babydom]

Does he cry after nap? How long is he awake before he goes home? Is he the same in this period or different?

It does just sound like he is choosing to cry because he isn't getting what he wants (what ever that may be) and if home is catering to him then all the more likely he is crying because he isn't being catered to. But I can't help but wonder if he could be sick in some way. Maybe he is like this at home (hence the sisters annoyance) but there is a root cause. Possible ear infection or stomach problem that is bothering him? He was really sick as an infant could there still be something wrong? Not sure how you would pin down what if it has been going on so long.

Can you fit a high chair in the play room to put him in when crying? Or a playpen outside the playroom but close? If it is just behavioral I think the child will need a very clear consequence to the crying to learn to stop it. It could just be so ingrained in him at this point that he doesn't even know what to do with himself. In the least...you and the other kids deserve some distance from it and a playpen really would help. Especially for the poor sister that he follows at times.

Can the sister speak enough to answer questions about his behavior at home? When he is just crying for no reason can you ask her if he does that at home. If so, what does mom do? Maybe get some info from her? Obviously take it with a grain of salt...kids distort reality lol.

Besides from normal baby teething it's not health. He has reg doc appts and we know he is healthy. I'm every honest with mom and she is with me. Her and dad have both said he cries a lot. Why does he always cry. Xxx is our little diva and our boy is our crier. Sister is just 2.5, 3 in April. So don't get much out of her. Mom says they don't pick him up they let him cry then go to him. But how long? She probably leaves him crying for a min then goes and carries him around. I honestly think it's behavioural. I will have to do the playpen thing. Although what makes me nervous is that I think it will bite me in the butt. He will stop crying and "be happy" in the playpen so I'll take him out and he'll cry again to go in it. I can't keep him a playpen all morning. He's smart that way. He'll play me. Lol

[babydom]

If he eats well, you said, does that mean that he stops crying long enough to eat? That would definately suggest to me that it is a behaviour. You're staying inside longer now anyways, how long can you drag out his snack and lunch? If he's in a highchair to eat, maybe give him just a little bit at a time, drag it out, so snack takes 30 minutes instead of 10. Same for lunch. If he's not crying when he's eating, then maybe you'll have a bit more time crying-free.

Good luck- I have been where you are - and it was a behaviour here too. Soooo draining, and so stressfull. :)

Ya. I for sure do that. Drag it out. Lol. But then I feel bad that he's stuck in a highchair and let him down. His lunch he'll do well! Very well eats a ton. But I try food all am incase it's Hunger. Sometimes he goes for it other times he tosses it and cries. Even out of the highchair I'll give him a baby mum mum thinking he'll sit quietly on the floor and eat it giving me two seconds to think but nope takes a bite and throws it. Has to be behavioural.

[babydom]

Thank u so much everyone for all the thoughts, questions to make me think and ideas to try. The more I talked this out here, I think it's got to be behavioural. Playpen time outs here we come! :)

[flowerchild]

I honestly think it's behavioural. I will have to do the playpen thing. Although what makes me nervous is that I think it will bite me in the butt. He will stop crying and "be happy" in the playpen so I'll take him out and he'll cry again to go in it. I can't keep him a playpen all morning. He's smart that way. He'll play me. Lol

Is it possible he's feeling overwhelmed by the number of kids and toys that are around and would feel more comfortable playing in the playpen? I've found that some kids like a bit of down time in a playpen with a few toys when they are feeling overwhelmed. Less of a punishment and more of a break.

Otherwise, it sounds like you'll have a long day or two of putting him in when he cries and taking him out when he stops, but if you are consistent, he will get it and stop.

[babydom]

Is it possible he's feeling overwhelmed by the number of kids and toys that are around and would feel more comfortable playing in the playpen? I've found that some kids like a bit of down time in a playpen with a few toys when they are feeling overwhelmed. Less of a punishment and more of a break.

Otherwise, it sounds like you'll have a long day or two of putting him in when he cries and taking him out when he stops, but if you are consistent, he will get it and stop.

No not at all. He loves the kids. Follows them around. And has spouts of happy yelling when they jump around him. And he loves playgroup. There's always 20 kids there and he doesn't even look for me the whole time were there and is happy the whole time. I truely believe it hates me and this home. Hahaha. It's totally behavioural :)

[Lee-Bee]

I can't help but feel that he MIGHT "hate" you and your home because you enforce rules and order on him. Odds are that this child that comes from a home where HE rules everything will someday come to LOVE you and your home for that very reason.

As much as children want and try to rule everything there is nothing more scary for a child to realize they are in control not the adult. They NEED their adults to be in control. Even the most demanding, little princes and princesses can come to love a daycare that provides that security and order in their life.

I do hope he comes to realize this and becomes one of your best little daycare kids for you. Till then...hang in there!

[flowerchild]

I think Lee-Bee has hit the nail on the head. He probably doesn't know what way is up if he's catered to all the time at home.

I find the kids that often have the hardest transitions are the kids who have little to no structure or boundaries at home and a strong personality. That seems to be a brutal mixture. They get away with everything at home and then come to your house where they are expected to follow rules and accept consequences and they don't know what to do. It's so confusing for them. BUT once they figure out that is how it works at your house, they are fine and I do believe the structure and routine are comforting for them.

Good luck!