View Full Version : Help with "babied" child!!!

12-09-2011, 10:31 AM
Hi everyone! Just wondering if any one has dealt with or has suggestions for dealing with an overly babied child. I don't think he has ever been told 'no' as he breaks out in tears every time I tell him. I don't give in to him, just let him cry and get over it. I know we all have different ways of raising our children but I feel a bit sorry for this Mom. She will be going on mat leave early next year and is already exhausted by catering to her first child's every whim. He is 20 months and has never slept through the night,but I know she runs to him at the tiniest whimper. I guess I'm really asking if there is anything I can do to make things easier for Mom when he is with her at home again? I know it's not really my problem but I really like this Mom and would like to help!

12-09-2011, 12:23 PM
Anything you do in the way of discpipline or making him be more independent at your house will likely not transfer to home. It will make your days easier, but probably not his mother's. And I wouldn't be giving the mother advice unless she asks, as moms can feel pretty defensive. She is doing things her way and will have her own results. I cosleep with my 17 month old daughter and I wouldn't want anyone telling me it is the wrong way to do things (people have, and it makes me pretty annoyed). I think as caregivers, we can only change what happens with the kids while in our care...it is not our place to try to change things that happen at home, good or bad (unless of course, there is abuse going on or something like that).

12-09-2011, 12:56 PM
Oh kangaroo mama..... I would never say anything to her, even if she asked!!! I was only wondering if anyone has any ideas for me to try to out with dcb that might make things easier for Mom ( without her knowing)! I totally agree that it is no ones business how we raise our own children!!

12-09-2011, 01:10 PM
I see what you're getting at and I think it is very sweet that you are trying to help out a struggling mom, but in my opinion, you won't be able to do much for her from your end because kids behave differently with different people. They behave how we train them to behave, so even if you get him napping perfectly, behaving like an angel all day long, he will revert to his other ways the second he sees his mom. I see it every day with my dck's! Plus, my own kids are always better for someone else than they are for me (although they are pretty good for me most of the time).

12-09-2011, 05:22 PM
Sorry ladies but why are you not saying anything to the Mother? You need to be on the same page as the parents in everything or this poor child will be way to mixed up and extremely confused. I watched a child who was the same and let me tell you his parents are in for a rude awakening when he gets older. If you can't say "NO" to your own child you are doing them a HUGE disservice. Why can't you ask the Mother how she goes about disciplining her son? The Mother I approached with this same subject looked like she was shocked but I told her at 18 months they completely know the difference between right from wrong.

There’s a difference in telling someone and asking them. Just tell her how he asks when told the word “NO” and ask her what her approach is? Tell her that it’s paramount for you both to be on the same page for everything.

I have parents that tell me how they approach specific behavior and if we are doing the same things then it will register. Time outs in my opinion don’t work but consequences work for 16 months plus.

Let's be serious we are helping raise these children!

12-10-2011, 11:48 AM
I agree with Skysue 100%. Whenever I have any questions about a child's behaviour or routine, or anything for that matter I speak to the parents about it daily and never keep my mouth shut or let the problem continue. We have to fix things before they get to be habits or out of control and we have to work together with the parents as a team. The children need consistency and I believe that wholeheartedly.

I also approach the parents by asking them if they noticed what I saw and mention that I know that children behave differently at home where they are the only ones than they do at daycare where they are part of a peer group. You have to make sure the parent knows you are willing to work with them and that you are not blaming their parenting skills but that you know you want to help the child become an independent, resilient, happy little person.

12-10-2011, 01:02 PM
Because if you start trying to tell a mother that there are behaviour issues and start telling them however nicely you try to word it that they need to change what they are doing at home (amounts to telling them they are parenting wrong even if said overly sweetly or discretely) then the parents get their back up and a great percent of the time the parents pull the child from your care because if there are issues it must be the caregiver that isn't good enough because afterall their child is perfect and their parenting is perfect.

12-11-2011, 12:20 PM
No, I'm sorry, I still disagree because if I'm spending 45 hours a week with these children I want them to be well behaved and get along with the other children and learn manners, how to play, learn, travel properly, etc. We have very busy days and it is way too disruptive when one child is causing such a disruption that field trips and crafts have to be cancelled because it all seems to snowball. We have two new babies transitioning right now and all the crying is not only stressing me out but the 3 other children who have been here for a long time. And there have been days over the past few months that have gotten out of control.

I always let the parents know I want to follow their lead and that we have to work together, but I'm not going to let bad behaviour go unchecked without trying to help the child grow into a better person.

12-11-2011, 02:04 PM
With time in your care most children learn two sets of rules - home rules and daycare rules. The more different the rules are the longer it takes. Just as when they get older there will be rules at school they must follow that are different than home they will learn what they can and can not do with each person and in each place. Be consistent and firm with the child and give them as much time as you can. If you sense that it isnt' going to happen or is disruptive to your program then you should let the child go and the parents will find a new situation. Hopefully the child will change at your house and then it will be easier for the mom to institute the changes at home. Once the new baby comes along the mom will have to learn for herself how to share her love, time and energies. That isn't something we can teach. Offer suggestions when the time comes and be prepared to call someone to help her if you feel she isnt' coping but ultimately she will be on her own for this. Just make the time with the child you have now as productive for the child as you can - meaning teach him the coping skills he is going to need. Back to the with time - he will learn to be more self sufficient and be a few months older when the baby is born.

12-12-2011, 11:03 AM
Hi! I think maybe I was not very clear. I have no issues with this child's behavior with me. He is a fantastic sleeper, and though he cries if told no, he gets over it quickly as he knows I will not give in to him. I have a great relationship with the mother, who is very overwhelmed and tells me that she caters to him but doesn't know what else to do! Yes, i know this is not really my problem and he is leaving my care after January but was just hoping for some tips to help out this Mom!!!

12-12-2011, 12:21 PM
Ok then you will need to explain to mom how you got him to the point he is at but also remind her that it will be worse but that she has to stay firm and remember that she is doing this for the sake of her new baby who will have needs and for the oldest so he will be able to cope. As long as she thinks it is for the kids' sake and not hers she will be able to last longer. A lot of what we do in daycae is a modified Ferber technique where we keep reassuring the child and spreading out the contact to allow the child the time needed to take care of their own needs -ie put themselves to sleep, feed themselves, play without adult hovering, whatever. If mom is asking for help then by all means offer her what you can. For tips it is the fact that the problem didn't happen overnight and is not going to be solved overnight. That you had success because you started a different method. That the same method will work over time if she is consistent and realizes that no matter how much the child protests and cries, whines, tantrums, whatever that it is a learning phase he needs to go through and that everyone will be better for it out the other side. Self confidence and self esteem is so important even for infants and adults take away that right way too often by assuming the child can't cope without them. Give kids more credit and realize there is a difference between need and want. It's hard sometimes to help a parent when we can see why we dont' have the same issues but that it means telling the parent to do something differently.

12-12-2011, 12:40 PM
I'd maybe wait until she brings it up again, and then you could ask her for specifics and you can give her diff examples as of how you might handle those situations/ behaviors. Making it clear that those are just your thoughts, and that you are in no way trying to tell her what to do. Let her know that you're there to help. Maybe suggest that she keep her son in care even after the baby is born-even if only part time, so that he still gets to see his friends, etc and so that she has alone time with baby and to rest.

daycare woman
12-13-2011, 09:47 PM
I watched doctor phil one day and he said to the parents "Do You seriously think they were born this way" NO. You have shaped their behaviour. Plus he said its our job to prepare them to be adults. I've never forgotten this. Some times we need to stand back and say is this the way I want my child to behave? Of course not was usually my answer. I think she needs to remember her child will always love her even if their are consequences, sounds like she also needs to teach patience. I have one child 1yr whom I was told does not like sitting in the high chair.Ha whatever... he fine now. Can't give in but she also needs to be consistent. It does sink, as a daycare provider all of a sudden you say wow they aren't fighting, or screaming anymore, whatever but its finally sunk in.
Anyway hope this helps.

12-17-2011, 08:18 PM
I took parenting classes many years ago as a single Mom of four children and they taught me to be tough and consistent and to always say 'I love you, but right now I do not like your behaviour.' It is important to teach the child that they are always special and important but their behaviour and manners must meet up to your standards of approval. It is ok to say No, don't touch, please stop, you must not do that, listen to me, let's talk about this - depending on the age. I look the child in the eyes, hold their hands in mine and talk to them seriously when we have a problem, then let them go on their way. Toddlers have very short attention spans so you have to address the problem right away then move on.