My own kid is driving me crazy

I am worried for my own kid (3.5 girl). I know that some of the acting out is because I am her caregiver but sometimes I get so frustrated with her actions.

Yesterday she was way out of line with her behaviour. She smacked a kid with a toy in the face because "they weren't listening" to her, she was put on time out and the toy taken from her. She was grabbing another kid a lot, shoving, is generally unempathetic at times. She does care if she hurts me by accident but other kids she seems unaffected at times. Her best friend at daycare has been coached by me to use words like "I don't like when you do..." and has even learned to stop playing with her when she is being a brat (I can say that when it's my own kid, right?) This seems to impact her the most as he is her world. I think part of the problem is when she has competition for her friend (they have been together since I opened in Feb and are 2 wks a part in age). I have another 3 yo 2 days a week and I think the behaviour may be worse on those days. I have another 3 yo starting full time in Jan so I guess I am worried a bit about the dynamic a bit. This girl is a little less threatening I think as she is still more into parallel play and is a bit quieter.

I have thought about sending her elsewhere for a couple days a week but there isn't really anything available nearby. I also realized it made more sense to have more kids her age at my daycare instead of schlepping a bunch of kids to a preschool a couple times a week which is why I have the other two 3 yo.

I am trying to look at this if this was another dck and what I would do but I am having a hard time gaining perspective. I think sometimes I have high expectations for her (as does a lot of people) because she is very tall, very articulate (sounds and looks 6 yo) and also she is my first born. Any insight would be appreciated.

I can't offer any advice because I don't have any children of my own but the comment about other children not listening to her made me wonder if she is emulating you? (not the smacking kids in the face part tho lol)

Children look up to their parents and I've noticed during free play, I see children acting and saying things their parents would do or say in their career. Could she maybe feel like she gets to have a say because it's her house?

My oldest dck will often say what I say when the children are not listening to her and I have to remind her that I am the teacher and the other kids are not too be bossed around. She is the youngest but bosses her older brother (and parents) around so I think she thinks she can do that here too, which I don't allow.

Also, the whole "negative attention is better than no attention" could maybe apply? I'm not saying this applies to you as I don't know you but maybe some more one on one time would help decrease the bad behaviour which could be caused by jealousy of her mom's attention on the other children?

I wish I had advice. I can only comment that you are NOT alone in this. My own little guy (our youngest, and the motivation for starting a home daycare 3 years ago) just started school this year. I can't tell you what a positive change in the daycare environment. And that same little guy that I struggled with every day (he was loud/a bully) and would pass off to Dad in frustration most evenings...now our evenings are wonderful after school/weekends. He is a completely different child. I wish, in hindsight I would have sent him elsewhere just a couple days a week. Although he had no problem adjusting into school and is doing great there it would have done both of us a world of good.
My only tip is to try to make time just for your child/a moment as you pass by to look them in the eye, hug them & tell them you love them. To perhaps, put them down 1/2 hour before (or wake earlier) from nap to again get that one on one time in.

Thank you for your responses. I think you are both right that she is not getting enough attention right now. I think that is part of the biggest problem in opening your own daycare. You are spread so thin between all the kids it is a real challenge. I have always been super close with both my girls and I was that parent that ached every day when my daughter went to daycare (for 8 mos in between babies) because she was away from me and appreciated every moment together. Sometimes I think I spend too much time with them that it has become more about quantity then quality time. I even find myself keeping our story time shorter as I am so beat at the end of the day. It makes me so sad to think I am not balancing things well.

Re: the emulating me bit. I don't think this is true as she uses words/language I don't really use. She has been making statements like "mom you're cheating" or "mom you're not fair" but doesn't really understand what cheating or fair means, just that she has heard them before in books etc and connects them to words used when feeling angry. I agree though that she may be trying to say she needs more time with me.

My first born daughter is 4 years old (August birthday) and is tall and articulate just like how you described yours to be. I also have high expectations of her. I doesn't sound like they have the same personalities, but I have a couple of things that I make sure I do with my group. I also have a 2 three year old daycare kids that will both be turning 4 in January.

I constantly model how they should talk to each other, including tone of voice. No whining, baby talk or pouting.

I have a space in our home that is only for my daughter to go if she wants some time to herself. It has toys and colouring books there that are only for her and she can go in her "quiet room" and close the door whenever she wants to.

I have a special helper of the day that gets to hold my hand when we go for walks or if I need help with things. It makes the older kids feel important and special, especially my daughter. It also makes them all more willing to do things if I ask my "special helper" to do it. It also gets rid of the problem of them fighting over who gets to do certain things.

My daughter doesn't nap anymore so I always let her sit with me during quiet time. We both just sit next to each other in silence as she watches some cartoons and I have some computer time, but she always looks forward to it. I try to give her lots of hugs and kisses during the day, but with the other daycare kids and my other 18 month old daughter, there isn't much time in the day for just the two of us.

I also don't tolerate any mishaviour from her. If she make too much of a show I just send her to her room and tell her to come back when she is done crying or whatever. Therefore she is getting no attention from me or anyone else. I also praise her and the others for good behaviour and kindness to eachother ("catch them being good"). Consistent consequences are always important too.

Do you find she is well rested? I find that my daughter is way less manageable if she is tired, which is difficult when 90% of the time she doesn't have a daytime nap.

I also find she relates better to older kids, she enjoys playing with the more mature 3.5 year old and the 5 year old and 8 year old that I 've had in care. She has more issues with the 3.5 year old boy thst acts less mature, they fight alot.

I don't know if this is at all helpful, but I enjoy being at home with her and don't really look forward to sending her to kindergarten next year (most days anyway, lol!).

Somedays I tell my friends the worst child in daycare that day was mine lol !!! I find its a personality quality my dd likes things done a certain way and being raised as an only child has had it her way a long time ! She loves the kids !! Gets soo excited in the morning , asks is it a daycare day today ?!!!! Just has her moments !!!
She sees me hugging or interacting with the dcks and gets jealous and acts out ! I usually try to treat her the same in some situations and different in others ie she waits her turn , eats with her friends , same expectations in sharing and playing nicely but different as she gets to sit with me while they nap , she goes for outside time with her dad alone that kind of thing . She gets to do crafts and play with her own toys while they nap as well .
I made sure that none of the daycare toys are hers , everything is for everybody . But her toys are only for her !!
It's a balance for sure and we tend to expect more from our children especially when we see others behaviours everyday !
I started my Dayhome to stay home with my child , so sending her elsewhere doesn't reallyake sense for my family .

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Originally Posted by AmandaKDT

I have a space in our home that is only for my daughter to go if she wants some time to herself. It has toys and colouring books there that are only for her and she can go in her "quiet room" and close the door whenever she wants to.

I have a special helper of the day that gets to hold my hand when we go for walks or if I need help with things. It makes the older kids feel important and special, especially my daughter. It also makes them all more willing to do things if I ask my "special helper" to do it. It also gets rid of the problem of them fighting over who gets to do certain things.

I also don't tolerate any mishaviour from her.

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This is what I am currently doing and has worked very well, but instead of my son having a space for himself, he has access to the rest of the house, including his room whenever he wants. My daycare area is gated in the main floor so he is the only one allowed to be outside this area. He is my helper too. I also do not tolerate his misbehavior, and he will have consequences every time he misbehaves. I am also currently enjoying having him at home with me and toying with the idea of home schooling him.

Today when a 16 mo dcg was picked up my son (2.5yo) "help" her to put her jacket up and gave her a kiss in the forehead. Her daddy was awwing them and telling my son that he was a good guy.

I have a similar issue with my own daughter as well in that often she is my most difficult child. We were going through a rough phase recently (taking toys, hitting, pushing,yelling, having tantrums) and what REALLY helped was positive reinforcement. I know it sounds simple, but I realized I wasn't giving her enough "positives" in a day. And I don't mean just saying" good job" when they do something good but to really play it up and be like " wow did you just share that toy with dcg? Wow I am so proud of you! Good job! Dcg is soooo lucky to have a great friend like you! You're a GREAT sharer" I found saying things like :
- you're a great sharer!
-you're a great cleaner upper!
- you're a great walker! (when walking using the rope on the stroller)
-you're a great helper!

All helped to change her perception of herself into a more positive one and it drastically improved her behavior. Consequences for bad behavior are necessary and obviously should have their place but we forget about consequences for GOOD behavior, we let it go unnoticed. Give it a try! Good luck and hang in there, it's hard being mommy and caregiver at the same time.