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  1. #1
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    New Babied DCG Not a Good Fit?

    **This new DCG is currently filling the spot of my previous DCG who was only here for a few months temporarily.

    Iíve been in business as a HDP for almost a year. Before this Iíve had quite a bit of experience working with all ages of children so Iím familiar with strategies & different styles of parenting, but this home daycare stuff is still new to me & I find each month Iím encountering issues I donít know how to deal with in a HDC setting.

    Iíve recently had a 22 month old girl start in my care & today is only her second day. Usually it is difficult for most children when they first begin, but this case is different. I am questioning how well of a fit I am for her, & how well of a fit she is for my DCKís.

    Currently she is still drinking a bottle or two on demand during the day & she also has a blankie that she carries around with her 24/7 (just not outside), & I made it very clear right from the get-go that I wonít allow this. Also, when she naps she brings her bottle in the bed with her & I told them I would allow ONE bottle to have at the table when she is finished her lunch before she heads to bed. Right in the interview I had discussed with her parents that she would need to be slowly weaned & the reasons why (Iím sure you all know why no need to further explain) & that for her best interests to make the transition not so hard on her. I can clearly tell that theyíve done nothing in terms of weaning.

    Itís been only 2 days & just from the last 2 days I can already feel like this wonít be a good fit because I can see that itís the parents that donít want to let go of these attachments that she has. When having her bottle I noticed that for 10 minutes she sat there with it in her mouth & didnít drink anything within that 10 minutes, which clearly means that she doesnít need it at all. Also during drop off she comes right in with a bottle in her hand & her blankie in her hand after Iíve explained to mom that sheís to have them put away BEFORE coming inside because I donít allow children to have bottles on demand that donít need them. As soon as theyíre put away she cries, & cries non stop.

    Yesterday & today she cried on & off at the drop of the hat over anything & everything. I explained to mom the events of the day & informed me that she is like that at home too & cries all day at home too. This little girl shows NO initiative to do anything, she wonít reach for her spoon herself, she wonít even attempt to put her shoes on (I donít expect them to know how at this age, but I do like to see them at least TRY). During the few interactions Iíve had with the parents theyíve carried her around everywhere & didnít let the girl walk at all one step. During pick up today mom mentioned that ďsheís just a baby, sheíll learn how to part with them (blankie & bottle) eventuallyĒ.

    During drop off today mom carried her from the car with blanket & bottle in hand, came inside while carrying her & took off both of their shoes with DCG still in her arms, & walked over to my couch, put her down, & handed her bottle & blankie to her & says ďhere you can have your blankie & bottle on the couchĒ. I was instantly pissed because I told her flat out the day before I donít allow bottles away from the table & the blankie is to be put away as soon as she came in. So of course all day this poor girl is crying for them & walking around for her blankie & bottle. Sheís a very good mapper, but the second she wakes up & realizes sheís got to part with her blankie sheís in tears & everyone wakes up from nap confused & grumpy because of her crying over her blankie.

    My other DCKís are already being affected by her constant crying & my usually calm DCB was instantly in tears & thrown off when he came in because her crying was throwing off everyoneís mood.

    The attachments to the items I could & can eventually handle with & Iím sure she would get used to the way things are here since kids are very resilient. Iím just questioning on whether or not I want to work with a family that is babying their perfectly abled child & already on the second day she is intentionally going against my rules in my presence & making (what feels like) passive-aggressive jabs.

    I should also add that sheís been in a home daycare since she was 9 months, but this home daycare wasnít a very experienced or established one & allowed these things in the home, so my rules are very different for them. They allowed bottles on demand, & allowed her to carry her blankie around 24/7.
    Last edited by One&Only; 07-03-2019 at 04:43 PM.

  2. #2
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    Now that I’ve been thinking about the last few replies I’ve gotten from you all from my last previous posts, I’m starting to think that maybe you’re all right that I’m undercharging less & attracting families who don’t really want “quality care”. Because I’ve been having problems with a few of my families lately & I'm starting to think there’s a pattern. Maybe it’s not everyone else, maybe it’s me?

  3. #3
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    Ok. Stop. Breathe.

    You are a year into a new business and the first 5 years are the steepest learning curve. You will make mistake after mistake but the important thing is to learn from them.

    For me, the first five year was a continous revision of contracts and policies as I encountered situations I never thought possible and set out to protect myself from falling foul of them again.

    So - pause a minute and assess this client.

    It was clear at interview that this child was lacking encouragement to develop age appropraite skills of independance but you accepted her and said she would need to be "slowly" weaned off the bottle. It's day 2 and you are realizing it's not going to work.

    What you need to do is decide very firmly in your own mind what your boundaries are and then enforce them.

    At the stage the parent made her passive agressive move and broke your rules but placing the child on the couch with the bottle, that's the stage you should have stepped forward and handed the bottle back to the mother or said directly to her that the agreement was one bottle, at the table, before nap time and that carrying around a bottle was not permitted in the group care situation. I would have asked mom to take it. And if she didn't, I would have handed it to her.

    Unless you are going to be really firm with this family, they have already shown you that they are going to try and push back on what they don't like about your program. Don't enable that. They signed up for your program and they have to understand that is what they are getting. They aren't getting their program.

    I think once you decide where the boundaries are for all your clients and start enforcing them with all your clients they will either shape up or ship out. If they ship out, that's not the loss you might think it is because anyone who is going to disrespect your rules when they are in your home, isn't someone you want ideally anyway.

    Stop trying to be everything to everyone. You aren't Mary Poppins. You aren't being paid enough for bespoke services. You are being paid a fraction of your income by each family whose child is required to fit in with your program, not the other way around. If they don't like your program, then they can keep looking for one they do like. But the option of accepting your program and then the parent getting to amend it to their wishes, has to stop now.

  4. #4
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    One&only,

    I was about to shut and stay quiet but, I had to speak up because your situation and that little girl makes me feel sad.

    I understand that we need to do a living and we look for jobs that suit best our needs. "Every job comes with challenges". The childcare field is stressful you have to deal in a daily basis with the public but not only that, also as complicated human beings are, your job will demand to understand and guide them. At times its not enough to tell or say. It basically will demand from you to actually think and act proactively in every step.

    Clearly, the little girl is going through an attachment stage (which is absolutely normal at her age), she just started and this will persist until she feels secure with you and slowly let the objects that brings her security go.

    I believe it is not the child's fault to have been changed from one daycare to another, you do not have any precedent to determine or judge if the other provider allowed this or not, maybe the child felt fear starting in a new environment and her blanket only represents her security.

    In general the bottles at your place or at home or at the other daycare, doesn't really matter. What counts now is that you have taken her in your care. My question is what are your goals with this child from now on?

    You must understand that not all children come with rules and schedules set and ready to move forward, children are more complex to undetstand, a developING brain is complicated. I continuously keep reading and guiding parents "no body is perfect" neither do I, we all learn and guide to each other.

    To my understanding and this is how I guide my business "a home daycare" resembles and operates most likely like being at HOME, many parents in my area have expensive daycares to choose from they're absolutely beautiful and have profesionales working in them but parents choose "homedaycares"; because it resembles to "home for their child" this also means in my view "love, flexibility, understanding, guidance, support, nurturing, patience, and so on" and that's what basically I make sure my space reflects.

    Many would probably argue that my perception of "homedaycare" is wrong, but this is what has kept my spots filled and a waiting list. Parents see that, parents value that. And that doesn't mean that my place is a chaos where everyone does whatever they feel like, or I would do anything to keep a client etc. No, it actually it is the opposite. As soon as they get in the group, the group (parents) start supporting. I do my job the best I can and they appreciate that. They value all the knowledge you have.

    It was addressed as "passive-aggressive " behavior when the parent of the little girl placed her on your couch with a bottle.

    If your furniture is off limits then I believe you should focus on thinking where is the spot or place "childfriendly" for a parent to do a drop off. Think and place things in that space that will actually make easy for a parent to leave their child or cover to protect your couch.

    To be honest, it would probably be easy to take the bottle and blanket in your view and also mine BUT, then you'll have to deal with a distressed and screaming child your days will get longer and rough. Try to be flexible and you will se on how that child moves on (make your days easy don't stress yourself).

    If this is too much and disturbs your well-being then perhaps it is better to think in changing work fields. Because in the childcare field you'll meet many kinds of families some kids settle easy and some not(no one is perfect) Recognizing your limits and strengths is good and that allows you to broaden your view and perhaps find other job or work options that alines best with your view and expectations. It is your life and it is up to you, you have the choise and freedom.
    Last edited by Peacefulbird; 07-10-2019 at 01:59 PM.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peacefulbird View Post
    One&only,

    I was about to shut and stay quiet but, I had to speak up because your situation and that little girl makes me feel sad.

    I understand that we need to do a living and we look for jobs that suit best our needs. "Every job comes with challenges". The childcare field is stressful you have to deal in a daily basis with the public but not only that, also as complicated human beings are, your job will demand to understand and guide them. At times its not enough to tell or say. It basically will demand from you to actually think and act proactively in every step.

    Clearly, the little girl is going through an attachment stage (which is absolutely normal at her age), she just started and this will persist until she feels secure with you and slowly let the objects that brings her security go.

    I believe it is not the child's fault to have been changed from one daycare to another, you do not have any precedent to determine or judge if the other provider allowed this or not, maybe the child felt fear starting in a new environment and her blanket only represents her security.

    In general the bottles at your place or at home or at the other daycare, doesn't really matter. What counts now is that you have taken her in your care. My question is what are your goals with this child from now on?

    You must understand that not all children come with rules and schedules set and ready to move forward, children are more complex to undetstand, a developING brain is complicated. I continuously keep reading and guiding parents "no body is perfect" neither do I, we all learn and guide to each other.

    To my understanding and this is how I guide my business "a home daycare" resembles and operates most likely like being at HOME, many parents in my area have expensive daycares to choose from they're absolutely beautiful and have profesionales working in them but parents choose "homedaycares"; because it resembles to "home for their child" this also means in my view "love, flexibility, understanding, guidance, support, nurturing, patience, and so on" and that's what basically I make sure my space reflects.

    Many would probably argue that my perception of "homedaycare" is wrong, but this is what has kept my spots filled and a waiting list. Parents see that, parents value that. And that doesn't mean that my place is a chaos where everyone does whatever they feel like, or I would do anything to keep a client etc. No, it actually it is the opposite. As soon as they get in the group, the group (parents) start supporting. I do my job the best I can and they appreciate that. They value all the knowledge you have.

    It was addressed as "passive-aggressive " behavior when the parent of the little girl placed her on your couch with a bottle.

    If your furniture is off limits then I believe you should focus on thinking where is the spot or place "childfriendly" for a parent to do a drop off. Think and place things in that space that will actually make easy for a parent to leave their child or cover to protect your couch.

    To be honest, it would probably be easy to take the bottle and blanket in your view and also mine BUT, then you'll have to deal with a distressed and screaming child your days will get longer and rough. Try to be flexible and you will se on how that child moves on (make your days easy don't stress yourself).

    If this is too much and disturbs your well-being then perhaps it is better to think in changing work fields. Because in the childcare field you'll meet many kinds of families some kids settle easy and some not(no one is perfect) Recognizing your limits and strengths is good and that allows you to broaden your view and perhaps find other job or work options that alines best with your view and expectations. It is your life and it is up to you, you have the choise and freedom.


    What a beautiful & loving response! I totally agree with this.

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  7. #6
    Euphoric !
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peacefulbird View Post
    One&only,

    I was about to shut and stay quiet but, I had to speak up because of your situation and that little girl makes me feel sad.

    I understand that we need to do a living and we look for jobs that suit best our needs. "Every job comes with challenges". The childcare field is stressful you have to deal in a daily basis with the public but not only that, also as complicated human beings are, your job will demand to understand and guide them. At times its not enough to tell or say. It basically will demand from you to actually think and act proactively in every step.

    Clearly, the little girl is going through an attachment stage (which is absolutely normal at her age), she just started and this will persist until she feels secure with you and slowly let the objects that brings her security go.

    I believe it is not the child's fault to have been changed from one daycare to another, you do not have any precedent to determine or judge if the other provider allowed this or not, maybe the child felt fear starting in a new environment and her blanket only represents her security.

    In general the bottles at your place or at home or at the other daycare, doesn't really matter. What counts now is that you have taken her in your care. My question is what are your goals with this child from now on?

    You must understand that not all children come with rules and schedules set and ready to move forward, children are more complex to undetstand, a developING brain is complicated. I continuously keep reading and guiding parents "no body is perfect" neither do I, we all learn and guide to each other.

    To my understanding and this is how I guide my business "a home daycare" resembles and operates most likely like being at HOME, many parents in my area have expensive daycares to choose from they're absolutely beautiful and have profesionales working in them but parents choose "homedaycares"; because it resembles to "home for their child" this also means in my view "love, flexibility, understanding, guidance, support, nurturing, patience, and so on" and that's what basically I make sure my space reflects.

    Many would probably argue that my perception of "homedaycare" is wrong, but this is what has kept my spots filled and a waiting list. Parents see that, parents value that. And that doesn't mean that my place is a chaos where everyone does whatever they feel like, or I would do anything to keep a client etc. No, it actually it is the opposite. As soon as they get in the group, the group (parents) start supporting. I do my job the best I can and they appreciate that. They value all the knowledge you have.

    It was addressed as "passive-aggressive " behavior when the parent of the little girl placed her on your couch with a bottle.

    If your furniture is off limits then I believe you should focus on thinking where is the spot or place "childfriendly" for a parent to do a drop off. Think and place things in that space that will actually make easy for a parent to leave their child or cover to protect your couch.

    To be honest, it would probably be easy to take the bottle and blanket in your view and also mine BUT, then you'll have to deal with a distressed and screaming child your days will get longer and rough. Try to be flexible and you will se on how that child moves on (make your days easy don't stress yourself).

    If this is too much and disturbs your well-being then perhaps it is better to think in changing work fields. Because in the childcare field you'll meet many kinds of families some kids settle easy and some not(no one is perfect) Recognizing your limits and strengths is good and that allows you to broaden your view and perhaps find other job or work options that alines best with your view and expectations. It is your life and it is up to you, you have the choise and freedom.
    I think when the provider who was present feels that an action was "passive agressive" then we should have the respect to accept that is how it made her feel, in her home. The fact someone is another part of the country feels sad reading the information, is not your responsibity or concern. It's the same concept of someone "feeling offended" - it's on them, not you.

    There is nothing in the original post to implythat a child on the couch was off limits so I think the whole drop off zone is background noise of offering alternatives to a non-issue. It was clear that the agreed compromise with the parents about the habit of endless bottles at home was ONE bottle would be supplied to the child to have at the table before nap. Bringing the child with a bottle, allowing the child to keep the bottle, placing the child on the couch with the bottle, expecting the provider to leave the child with the bottle - were indeed passive agressive actions on behalf of the parent challenging the provider to enforce the agreement that clearly the parent had no plan on honouring. If they did, they would have taken the bottle from the child in the car.

    I don't let children wander around my house with drinks, bottles, sippy cups, water bottles. I have no issue what so ever with a child sitting on my couch. The two issues are incredibly different.

    This provider has reached out for HELP and advice. She hasn't reached out to be told to reorgianize her drop off zone to provide seating (!!!) or to change careers because child care is stressful. What a judgemental and terrible thing to say to anyone who you have never met. It was not a kind and loving response - it was a nasty underhand shattering of someone's confidence and a post that was intentionally worded to create self-doubt and deliberate hurt. And it's been a long time since I've witnessed such blatent cruelty and unkindness - thankfully.


    One&Only - There is more than one way to run your day home and choosing a different way to Peacefulbird does NOT make you a poor provider, in the wrong field of work, and it does not mean you are only doing this to make a living and this best suits your needs. I know you are well aware that every job comes with challenges and I think it's great when we recognize we are facing a challenge and reach out for other opinions as to how to resolve it vs a lecture about the child's needs.

    This whole issue is nothing to do with the child at all - it's all about the parents, their actions undermining your attempts for a successful transition, the need for you to make them understand that they aren't running the show in your home where their child is one part of a larger entitity and while you of course are going to ensure the individiual needs are met, you are not going to sacrafice the needs of the others so this parent to feel her child is the priority over the others. The mothers actions are indeed creating an expectation in the child which is not practical outside the home. While you are running a home day care that does not mean taking the bad habits from the client's home and replicating them in yours - and the goal will indeed be to set this child up for success outside the home with realistic expectations and the skill set to manage when things aren't alwlays driven by the wants and needs of one individual.

    Since your questions were about how to manage the parent who was blatantly acting in a manner she had agreed not to, most of your answers will address your challenge and not go off at a tangent about things you, like any other provider, will know regarding a child transitioning and their emotions about it.

    So again, I'll say :-

    IF you have policies about children having bottles. drinking on your couch, jumping on your furniture and being RESPECTFUL of your home and belongings, and a parent isn't following them, I would address that promptly with the parent. It is wholly unconnected to the child's emotions, experiences in prior daycare, drop off zones and your ability to work in the industry you've chosen

    The other thing I would say is - when you ask for advice, there will always be people who put you down. Often it's not you they are putting down but it's connected to their self-worth. The need to drag others down or to promote yourself by suggesting others offer a lower quality of service or care is reflective on them, not you. There's a lot of people like this - we had a heat pump guy come out the other week who spent the whole appointment telling us why he was so much better than his competitors and it left such a sour taste that we will not be going with him. He did us a huge favour by showing us the type of person he is and that nasty negativity backfired on him because while he thought he was showing up others, he was only showing up himself.

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You'll get all sorts on the internet. You can skim by people who are only interested in self-promotion.

    Running a day care is not solely about the child's needs and the transition from home to group care. It's bigger than that and encompasses adult interactions, managing client expectations, communicating with clients who trust us to care for their child while we are still strangers initially and many many other aspects. It's not always all about the children - that's the easy part most of the time. It's the adults who are jerks - parents, other provider's, etc. Like in life, learn to filter out those who don't contribute to solutions and just preach about how great they are.

  8. #7
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    Thank you all for your responses. This particular DCG that I have sought advice for in the post has now been with me 2 weeks starting tomorrow. She has adjusted quite fabulously & it only took her 2 days before she was nicely adjusted & already used to our daycare.

    I have also made some great strides with mom. I have made very clear the expectations that I have of my parents & she has abided by then quite nicely so far (knock on wood).

    As for the bottle & blankie, mom is quite shocked that I have been able to have her WILLINGLY part with them with no issues whatsoever. Now when I remove her bottle from her bag to put in my fridge she looks at the bottle & continues on playing & doesn’t become upset at the sight of them. Her blankie she willingly leaves on her bed after she wakes up from her nap & is now (of all 4 kids) the happiest one right after nap.

    Again, thanks for the advice, both positive & negative advice. I welcome all opinions & do understand that when I make posts I may receive some negative advice as well. If it’s any consolation, I do in fact love my job & take pride in the work that I do with these kids. When these kids come to me they are completely dependent on their parents for every minor task & detail, & within a few weeks they are able to learn to do some minor but important life skills such as putting their shoes on, washing their hands, using a spoon/self-feeding, cleaning up their mess, etc. 2 of the 3 children that I care for weren’t able to even play independently without needing their parent to guide them & decide for them what to play with & had no interest in wanting to at least try things out for themselves. & now they are confident little darlings who are eager to learn & show a strong interest in trying to learn things.
    Last edited by One&Only; 07-15-2019 at 07:27 AM.

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