Very disrespectful and tude 7 year old. Advice/opinions?

[busydaycarelady]

Hello! I look after a 7.5 year old girl. I have for the last 2 years. At first, I thought she was simply a bit spoiled and selfish, but that with consistency and kindness she'd improve. Things have slowly but progressively gotten worse. Current behaviors include:
-habitual lying about anything and everything
-constant arguing
-tantrums worse than any others I've seen, including the 2 year old I look after
-refusal to respect all FEMALE forms of authority
-grabbing from toddlers
-attempting to manipulate the adults in her life to bend to her will as well as to try to create conflict between them - this has been steadily and quickly growing worse
-saying dirty "toilet" words all the time
-causing conflict in general

When she succeeds in angering someone or hurting their feelings, she is visibly very satisfied and has told me a couple times "You're upset and that's funny". Ive tried a reward system for good behavior also praising good behavior when I see it. Both of these methods made behavior 10 times WORSE, for some odd reason. I always follow through on discipline(which consists of time outs) and talk to parents about problems behaviors. Mom and dad are separated 2 years now and initially tried to win over her(but not the younger sibling who is 4 years younger and very well behaved). They'd take her to special outings, movies, restaurants, fairs, buy her clothes, perfume, take her to the nail salon even, but the younger one got to play at home by herself during these times. They say, "All kids act like this or she's so strong willed or we are very strict and don't know why she does this." They truly can't be bothered and seem to believe she will "out grow" this behavior. The younger one tells me the older one breaks her toys at home and hits her and mom and dad don't do anything. It is my opinion that she truly has a problem like ODD maybe? I suggested she may have an emotional issue and they should maybe take her for a counselling session to see, but they got really mad. I understand how hard it is to face that reality that your child may have an issue but wouldn't you rather deal with it than ignore it? Anyhow, I've held on to them because I thought maybe I can make a difference but obviously I haven't. ANd I really enjoy the younger kid being here, but I suppose it is time to say good bye to this family. Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation? nd advice or ideas? Sorry this is such a novel, I have really struggled with this and just wanted a little feedback.

[Cadillac]

I'm a Child and Youth Worker (counselor for children and youth with emotional, behavioral and mental issues). SOMETHING is going on with her. Different children act in different ways when something is wrong so you won't be able to pin point it but she does need to be seen. If this behavior is still escalating with consistency in consequencing the underlying problem must be dealt with before and behavioral issues can improve. Is she the same at school as well?

I know how difficult it is to tell parents that there is something wrong. You need to try again, and again, and again. If things don't change you need to terminate them as the other children will be GREATLY affected by her behavior.

[busydaycarelady]

Thanks so much for your reply. I truly do believe there is something going on with her as well, so it's nice to know that I am not totally out to lunch here. I've spoken to mom and dad and neither can really be bothered to truly follow through with consequences because they "don't want to be the bad guy", so I am the only caregiver who actually follows through. She isn't as bad at school, but has been becoming "a bit unruly" as one teacher describes her behavior. I suggested counselling but mom and dad say it's to expensive(but both have benefits with large oil companies) and that it's too embarassing to have people find out that their child is in counselling. So, I'm feeling a bit stranded. I feel for her but I feel I've done just about as much as I can as a care provider. Thanks again for your response.

[sunnydays]

I'm not sure if there is anything more that you can do. It seems like th eonly option is to terminate care to save yourself and the other kids from the stress and negative effects. Poor kid!

[Sunflower]

I can't believe how sad this is.
The parents are more worried about what others think to care for their child and that is pitiful.

However this is not your issue and it sounds like you have gone above and beyond for this child.
If it were me I would ABSOLUTELY terminate for behavior like this from a 7 year old and lack of accountability like this from the parents.
Perhaps you terminating them will force them to re-evaluate the situation and it's seriousness.

What ever happens you must keep the other kids in mind. This behavior will rub off on them and then you will be left having to explain yourself to other parents.
Another thing to keep in mind is that this child must be exhausting to care for as well as very time consuming.
Picture your daycare days without her and do what you have to do.
Please keep us posted !

[busydaycarelady]

I am feeling like terminating care for the health and sanity of the other kids and myself is the only option too. I'd just really hoped it wouldn't have to come to that.

[Cadillac]

I've had a similar situation. not nearly as extreme, but similar. And, with working in treatment centres I've come across MANY parents such as those you've described. you have done EVERYTHING. Do keep us posted.

[mom-in-alberta]

I would issue a final warning to the parents about her behaviour. List very clearly the things that she has been doing that are not acceptable in your home. Make it known that you strongly recommend that she see someone to discuss her lingering struggles with the separation of her parents.
Give them a specific "needs to improve by" date. And if they don't even try to make things better, then turf them. It's sad, but how much more can you do? And I would worry about the wellbeing of the smaller kids.

[busydaycarelady]

Thanks for your support everyone! I've set a limit of 1 April to see some major improvements in behavior or else care will need to be terminated. We will see how it goes though. We have progressed to her having tantrums where she kicks and rolls around on the ground while crying with this loud, fake cry. So if that doesn't improve I may just be waiting at the door with letter of termination when mom or dad come to pick her up(is that too harsh?). I really need the income so I am searching for another family to potentially start 1 May because I have my doubts about this getting better, but I will give them a chance to turn it around.

[mamaof4]

my nearly 8 year old has a bit of an attitude- nothing like that though! I don't know what I would do!