Lord give me the strength to terminate

[Spixie33]

I am so bad at confrontation and giving bad news. Seriously - the worst. I will avoid it at all costs.

I have fantastic daycare families but I am at the end of my rope with one of the little ones.

The fact that the parents are great and I have such a close knit group of parents where they all know the kids' names, schedules, and send little treats for the other kids makes it even harder to terminate someone. I know the parents will notice that "Bobby" is missing and ask me what happened and I will have to tell them at some point.

"Bobby" has been with me over a year and is now 3 years old. The problem with "Bobby" is that he is soooooooooooooooooo energetic and needs so much attention and constant supervision that it drains me out and makes me stressed with the other kids.

"Bobby" is actually a sweet kid and very happy,go lucky but has next to none listening skills and is often disruptive to the whole group because I have to correct so much of what he does. If I get angry at him or cross then he is whiney or cries and is inconsolable because he cannot take criticism or someone showing negative emotion towards him.

He is an only child and has obviously been spoiled by his very nice parents. At this point of age and after being in my home for over a year - he should know the rules and expectations but he still consistently acts like he is kind of the castle i.e jumping on the couch, driving monster trucks and other cars along the painted walls, banging toys to the point where they break no matter how many times i show him we can crash cars gently or with less extreme force, or crashing dump trucks into the wall and baseboards thereby causing scratches/dents.

I desperately want to tell his parents that I just don't see this is working and that I am not the right provider for him...but I am so scared because they are so nice and I know they will be shocked. They know their child is not perfect but I think it will still be a surprise to them. The other issue that I can't even chicken out and give them a letter because we have such a good working relationship and talk often at pick up etc so giving a letter would be too cold.

I just need the strength to do it. It will be a little tight without the income but i can just imagine that my days would be so much calmer. I wish I had a twin who could do the conversation for me while I hide around a corner somewhere.

I wish I had the strength to nip this in the bud and just do it....and I wish I knew how to go about how to explain his sudden absence if I do get the nerve to do it

[playfelt]

If would start with the list of things he is no longer allowed to do and then start time outs or whatever for when he does them. Then share the list with the parents as an example of issues you are having and that for the child's sake start enforcing these expectations at home so it becomes automatic and therefore he won't forget as often. That will allow you to bring up the what he should be doing part. Then follow through and stop any play that is destructive. Parents often just don't realize how bad it is getting because they are doing the bulk of their playing at daycare and not at home. Then if nothing improves consider the replacement while you look in the meantime. Also consider setting something like June and end of school term as time for him to move to a group for older kids. I find by the time the boys are three I have had enough of them and what you describe is unfortunately normal behaviour for some of them. BUT that does not mean I have to let them use my toys in that way. I have one that often has to stop and take a break before he can play again - same issues not every toy is part of a crash it up derby.

[Spixie33]

Thanks Playfelt. I have a son too and my son was not perfect and was very high energy and had to be let loose outside every day in order for me to maintain the house and my sanity but this child is over the top. I thought my son had prepared me for the energy of boys but my son looks like a cake walk now. lol

At this age and after so long he still cannot dress himself to go outside or manage to take his shoes off after we come inside, he is so disruptive that the other toddlers and up now say that "Bobby is being bad" and the other kids even enforce the rules and remind him that we can't do whatever he is doing wrong.

I have tried time outs - it leads to that inconsolable crying where he cries as if the world is ending and he can't breathe from the heartache of it all even though my time outs are only based on minutes of their age.
I will say to him "Can you please not touch the stereo?" sure enough I hear him touch the stereo 30 seconds after. I say "We can only turn on the water and wash our hands when Spixie33 is here with you. Please wait and I will come and help you." Then I hear him turning on the water FULL blast attempting to wash his own hands and splashing water all over the bathroom.
Ahhhh

It is like whatever i say he does 20 seconds later and if I ask him and bend down to eye level and say "what did I ask you about the water?" I get blank stares back.
I have two other kids his age and they are so different and able to follow instructions and be silly but also mindful of the behaviour.
I have tried telling him what I don't want him to do or do want him to do....asking him....getting him to repeat it to me....and nada.

In the last couple of months he has destroyed 2 toys and 1 decoration in the house.

But then there are moments like now...where he is sleeping and quiet and I second guess myself and think how I could let him go. lol I just wonder if he needs someone more 1 on 1 or else in a larger group but I can;t watch a 3 year old every single second of the day when there are also other kids and younger kids to watch . I can't take one child to the potty without having to wonder what he is doing while my eyes are turned.

and if I get stern with him then next morning he comes to the house crying saying he wants to go home and clinging to his parent for dear life. BUt I can't realistically be sweet as sugar and tell him how great he is all day if he misbehaves. I have to correct the behaviour and tell him it is not allowed but then he takes it to heart.

[gcj]

It's hard if they will be totally shocked. It would be easier if they already knew what a hard time you're having. If you've been informing them of the "challenges", then you've done your part and have to do what you have to do for the rest of the group and above all for YOURSELF!
I had to terminate recently (well, contract was up, just didn't renew) but I had ZERO connection with the parents and I did it rather impromptu. I'd been tempting/ thinking about it for a while and when the dad showed up that night I just blurted it out. And life has been great ever since!

[michellesmunchkins]

I recently terminated a set of 2.5 year old twins and believe me I feel for everything you are saying in how drained you are. Its exhausting for sure. If its anything like my situation (and it sounds very much like what i went through with the behaviours and destruction) your daycare will totally change once they are gone. Mine is like a whole new group of kids and I don't crawl into bed at 6:30pm three days a week now that they are gone It was my first termination and was sooo hard, but sooo worth it in the end. You need to do it for yourself and the other children who are probably being affected by his behaviours too...and before the rest of your group starts following suit with him! Good luck!

[Spixie33]

I say the parents will be shocked because we do have a good relationship. The mom has said that she herself has a trying time taking him to anywhere or playgroups and that she is often embarrassed because "Bobby" is the only one who is acting up or running all over other people's house and not listening. I don't think they will be shocked in terms of finding out that I have a hard time with him or that he is not behaving but I think that they believe I am okay with it and will persevere. I do hate giving up and letting them down.

I have made comments that 'it was a rough day" etc to them at pick up a few times and told them some things so they know he is not being the perfect angel once the door closes but I think that they trust that I will hang in there since we are all on good terms. I am just not sure I can.
Even my hubby has told me to terminate this one because he sees him a few min in the morning and at night and is like 'why do you want a child like that here?'

I will probably chicken out and drag this out another few weeks but i can't imagine living like this until he goes to JK. That is over a year away and he seems to get worse instead of better.

Sure you expect 12 month olds, 18 month olds to be tough but with age everyone gets the rules and routine and makes progress towards independence....but not this little guy

If only the parents weren't such likeable people

[gcj]

hmmmm...I understand the desire to want to drag it out longer, but you're doing just that...dragging it out. Will it improve? Doesn't sound like it. So you're just prolonging the inevitable and making yourself miserable at the same time. I've really learned in all this to think of myself. Without me none of this works, therefore I'm the most important one here. Sounds so selfish and took me a long time to get there, but it's true. The others need you!
Sorry, I don't mean to seem to pushy, I've just been there and then been on the other side of it, too and know how much better off everyone was after.
Good luck.

[gcj]

yeah, the likable parents is tough. I've never had that. Good parents have always meant good kids....and vice versa
I've always said that the parents matter more, but I guess your case proves me wrong. Tough.

[Skysue]

I say the parents will be shocked because we do have a good relationship. The mom has said that she herself has a trying time taking him to anywhere or playgroups and that she is often embarrassed because "Bobby" is the only one who is acting up or running all over other people's house and not listening. I don't think they will be shocked in terms of finding out that I have a hard time with him or that he is not behaving but I think that they believe I am okay with it and will persevere. I do hate giving up and letting them down.

I have made comments that 'it was a rough day" etc to them at pick up a few times and told them some things so they know he is not being the perfect angel once the door closes but I think that they trust that I will hang in there since we are all on good terms. I am just not sure I can.
Even my hubby has told me to terminate this one because he sees him a few min in the morning and at night and is like 'why do you want a child like that here?'

I will probably chicken out and drag this out another few weeks but i can't imagine living like this until he goes to JK. That is over a year away and he seems to get worse instead of better.

Sure you expect 12 month olds, 18 month olds to be tough but with age everyone gets the rules and routine and makes progress towards independence....but not this little guy

If only the parents weren't such likeable people

I had this exact same situation last year and my best advice was to send their son to Montessori school. I think the excessive energy level is due to extreme intelligence and they are simply board.

The almost 3 year old in my case is excelling in Montessori school and his behavior has tamed right down due to getting the constant stimulation he needs. The best thing you can do for that child is to get him in an environment that he will thrive in.

You owe it to yourself to be straightforward with his parents. Trust me do it now and you will feel soooo much better.

Good luck!

[jec]

Yikes ~ this will be hard but you have been thinking about for a while and you know it's the right thing to do ( for your sanity )
I think maybe if you talk to the parents like the other ladies were saying to give them more of a head's up that this might be coming ...if it will make it easier on you. I've never been in this position and easy for me to say just end it but it's causing you enough stress that your husband is now telling you to end it. You can always put it on you and not so much their little guy saying that as much as you have tried you might not be the right provider for him.
Good luck !!