Transition time - how much is too much?

[Sandbox Sally]

In the past, I've had either NO transition time asked for, or maybe mom coming in for an hour ONE DAY, then leaving.

I have a mom who interviewed this week for, signed on for 3 days a week ,and mentioned coming by with him this coming Monday. Ok great. I said, yes, come by, we'll have coffee and he can play with the other dck's. Just got off the phone with her only to discover she meant he is to start daycare this Monday, and that she was coming with him EVERY day next week! Are you kidding me??

I am not comfortable with this at all, and I told her that. I did a lot of umm and uhhing and she said, "oh, I thought we agreed." I told her it would feel strange to me, and that she could come with him on Monday, and maybe stay for an hour, and if she was uncomfortable leaving, we could play it by ear.

Her kid is 11 months old, and during the interview, he played eight feet away from her, not glancing up once during the entire 45 min meeting. He is secure. He was comfortable. This is for HER.

What do I do to get her out of here on Monday? I know Baby will be fine.

[Bookworm]

I have only had kids come the week before for a couple of hours. I had one child come for three days the previous week for a couple hours each time before starting full time. What that mother is suggesting is way overboard and not needed. It may be detrimental to the child transitioning since he may sense the mother's tension and whatnot.
I would tell the mom she is welcome to come for one hour on Monday and then she has to leave as it is not fair to the other children that your new dck gets to have his mommy here to play and they don't.
Good luck.

[michellesmunchkins]

I allow the child to attend a few times the week before for an hour or so (not half or full days because I find the parents tend to think these are free and yet I still provide meals/snacks and all normal activities to the 'new' child that I do for the others) ugh lol

I only ever allow the mom/dad or both to come for ONE HOUR during regular programming and even that I don't want. Having a 'stranger' in the house totally sets off the other children and does not provide an accurate account of our days. It all depends on the age of the child and its not that I'm hiding anything...I just feel that the child needs to learn from the get go that moms and dads don't come to daycare with them. They drop them off and they return. Now, for the first week I send text messages and phone photos to the parents during the day to show them that their child is playing/eating/sleeping soundly etc to reassure them, but I certainly WOULD NOT be allowing the Mom to come and spend an entire week with us. All that will do is make the child think Mom comes to daycare, how cool! To me, it sounds like its the Mom who needs to transition and she surely won't help her child adjust by hanging out...just my opinion but I think it would confuse the child...

[Spixie33]

Hold the phone? She wants to come 5 days next week and stay all day with the child?

First off -- that is ridonkulous if she means that
and secondly --how is that transitioning? How will that help the child?

I am totally against transitioning with the parent present. I think that does the contrary. How can a child get used to being independent/self-sufficient in your dayhome with a mother being there the first few times??

When I transition I recommend to the parents that the week before they start regular care - the mom drops the child off 2 hours day 1, then a couple of days later the child comes and stays for a half day (leaves at nap) and then day 3 stays 3/4 of a day including a nap and leaving after nap.

That way the child entered slowly and alone for 2 hours, 4 hours, 6.5 hours and can then be better prepared and more comfortable facing a 8-10 hour day the following week.

Of course some parents choose not to do any transitioning and ask me just to start the child cold turkey. That is way more challenging but I have done that. I have NEVER allowed a parent to confuse a child and had the parent come. The child will be more likely to expect the parent there once they do start which could mean worse separation anxiety.

[Sandbox Sally]

Yeah, he's only 3 days a week, but she was planning on staying the entire day those three days the first week!

I just emailed her and told her what michellesmunchkins said - one hour. She's welcome to come "for coffee" the first day, but then she has to leave.

I personally don't think transition is even necessary with most kids.

[michellesmunchkins]

I agree Alphagetti, its usually the parents who need the transition and they just end up confusing their child even more, not to mention it will set off the other kids (at least the ones in my group, they would all be asking and wondering and crying for their mommies)

As you guys know for my other posts I'm not very good at confrontation and I tend to 'bend' very easily in allowing the parents to walk all over me, but this is one of my 'rules' that I do not break lol

[Mamma_Mia]

With my daughter's provider she'd invite me over and tell me Come over in the morning when you're ready - have coffee, we'll do lunch with the kids then you can leave for her nap.

We're good friends now and recently she had a mom of two boys come and do the same (2-3hrs) once every week or two weeks....for about 2 months - mom is a teacher and was off all summer plus the little one is a clinger! It seems to work for her but not all day!

[Sarah]

I usually have mommy or / and daddy present for the first day for about an hour, and the second day 30minutes. Than usually, that is all.

I ask, whenever it is possible, a 2 weeks transitionning period. Increasing the hours as the weeks go by.

I don't think AT ALL that the kids get confused with their parents being around, neither do the other DCKs. I have always had the parents join in the first few days. It is a little more noisy and less disciplined in the house, I agree, but parents are aware of that! They see the DCKs in action, they see me in action, they can see how I discipline the kids, how I an with my own, and how their own kids interact in this new environment!

It is as much important to transition the parents as transitionning their kids. But it surely doesn't have to be longer than an hour or two TOP

[mom-in-alberta]

"Although I certainly understand why you would like to do that, based on the comfort level of the other parents, I am afraid that the request is not something I can accomodate. I am sure you understand, as you would likely not appreciate having someone unfamiliar around your own child for any extended length of time".
I would let her know that she's more than welcome to come by for a coffee visit, but that outside of that, you also have the routines of the other children to take into consideration. Make sure she knows that for the first little while, until her son (HER, really) settles in, she is welcome to pop in as long as it's not something like lunch or nap time.

[Momof4]

I completely agree that the Mom should come in for an hour or so the first day and I like to do it that way every time along with a playdate before the contract is even signed. However, I would tell the mother in your case that you are just way too busy to have her there. Also, there may be liability issues so tell her you are not comfortable with ever allowing another adult to stay at your daycare for a long time. That would be annoying and inconvenient to say the least. No way!