I am not sure what to think. Sorry for the long post, but please help.

[playfelt]

I'll take the other side just to give you some feedback. For whatever reason and my family tease me all the time about why can't I just find some "normal" kids for care but I will accept the challenging and give them a chance.

First the caregiver and you have to realize the child is three. By the time my gang are three I can say something and they just do it. All I have to say is lunch is almost ready and they start to clean up and come to the table etc. without me having to say anything but from the time they were one they have been part of that learning. The caregiver needs to remember that she will need to explain everythign to the child. At the same time your child may feel like he is constantly being told what to do when the caregiver is just trying to assist him to integrate. We also forget that other providers do things differently so we can't just assume that they child has done certain things a certain way before. Change isn't easy and if you are used to putting the big trucks under the shelf instead of beside the closet you can forget easily and get in trouble or at least feel that you are.

Your child has already been labelled challenging by other providers who had the benefit of time to train him in their ways so give your next caregiver and your son time too.

I have had an older child that would put up a physical fight to be changed, dressed for outside etc. In the old days this kind of tantrum got a spanking and child usually stopped and obeyed. Now we put them in time out. So if your child didn't want to cooperate to get his wet clothes changed then he is old enough to either do it himself or suffer the chaffing of wet clothes - do not blame the daycare provider. If your child was 18 months that is different we battle through those kinds of tantrums because we can due the size and strength of the child and change them anyway.

I am a little surprised at the number of caregivers that are saying to remove the child. What makes you so sure the child will cooperate any better in another new situation. Time is such a great teacher and neither the new caregiver or the child have had enough to learn to trust each other. I would back off, and give the caregiver space to integrate the child. Remember you said yourself your child was not "perfect" for the other caregivers so some of this behaviour is not out of the norm for him. One of the reasons the caregiver can't give you examples is becuase it is little things like how long it takes the child to respond to a request - too busy to listen, deciding to disobey on purpose - the caregiver hasn't had time to figure that out. She can't tell you because she doesn't know either. Just think about every time your son has tested you at home and realize he is probably acting that same way but multiplied many times worse just to get his point across.

I may be totally wrong as I don't know the caregiver or your son. Yes go with your gut but if your gut tells you that your son can be obstinate when he sets his mind to it then let the caregiver and your son have time to come to an understanding. Then if it is not an agreeable understanding move him.