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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Desperately in need of advice!

    I have been a daycare provider for many years and I guess I have been lucky with all the families and children that I have provided care for because I have never had a complain in my part and the parents also. Until NOW! I have the cutest little girl that just started.... she's one years old and is going through the most horrible separation anxiety I have ever seen! I'm at wits end! I don't know what else to do! I have tried everything and nothing is working. I really want to make this work for her family but I don't know how much I can take of this crying, it's also disrupting the other kids in my care which is not very fair for them.
    Any advice? maybe someone has some different ideas on how to handle this.. I have experienced separation anxiety with kids but it usually only lasts a couple of days... this is going on week two and I just don't see it ending!
    Help!

  2. #2
    Starting to feel at home...
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    Tell the parents to maybe try saying their goodbye's in the car, or while they are walking up to your door and to do the separation as fast as possible at the door with a quick bye as they hand her over. If they stand around to comfort her, it will make it worst. And if she knows they will react to her, she will continue and her separation behaviour will get even worst. Important thing is for them to not react at all and have the same matter of fact "see you later" no big deal attitude. Once she experiences that, she will calm down if she see's that they are calm....even if they are nervous inside. They can't show that to her. And once she's inside I would make sure to always have something fun and new ready for her to experience to distract her. If that doesn't work, I would firmly say "*name of child*, this is not acceptable. When you act and cry like this you are scaring the other children and we don't like to see you like this. If you need to cry you can sit here (place her aside from the group) and you can come and join us when you're ready"....but then I realized that you wrote she was only 1, so she probably won't be ready for doing the latter part. In this case I would make sure to go with the same quick separation, distraction with something fun, and lots of holding and carrying around for the first few days until she starts to settle down. Once she starts to feel comfortable, continue to do activities close to her and very slowly start to teach her that if you leave for a second its ok. She might fuss, but just always remind her that you are just going to get this and that beforehand and that you'll be back in a second. I had one child, 1 yrs old, who screamed when I walked to the other end of the room for a while. And now she's totally part of the sphere. I had to firmly always tell her that no, we don't need to cry, everything is ok, nothing bad is happening, I just need to grab a toy for so and so. After a few weeks she was totally settled in, but then got sick, left for a week, and came back and I had to do the same thing all over. They just need to feel safe, loved and be reassured. Once they get there it is sooo nice....but definitely stressful until then, but it should pass.

  3. #3
    Euphoric ! Inspired by Reggio's Avatar
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    Ya - with newbies like that who have not really be 'prepared' for daycare beforehand by being left with others to learn to trust mom and dad come back and others can meet their needs I too am one to 'keep em close' whenever possible during the first week so that they can learn to trust their new environment free of the 'anxiety' of being left alone on the floor with 4 other busy children they do not know ... so I am either holding them, sitting beside them touching them with a hand of comfort or within whatever reach they show they are comfortable with - however if I have to 'leave the room' I take them with me if need be to prevent the 'don't leave me scream' ... as they get more comfortable with that level of trust and trusting I am going to feed em and change em and help them to sleep and keep them safe I start 'weaning' back the tether so to speak and working on that 'delayed gratification' ... playing games like peekaboo and moving further away in play times when they are happy and making em wait a little bit before 'picking them up' so forth until we finally reach that sweet spot of being able to PEE without them loosing their little noddle that we are gone forever and their friend is going to eat them or something in our absence

    It has been five weeks since my newest started he is now 10 months old and he has been coming in with a smile since about the 6th day and able to play and be happy with me right there within arms reach but other than that his comfort cord was SHORT for the longest time if I MOVED or STOOD UP he would cry and follow me even if I was just going to help someone IN the playroom but yesterday I FINALLY was able to go pee and even make lunch while he played in the next room within 'eyesight' for me but his back was too me and without him following me and screaming that 'don't leave me here' banshee noise! It was BLISS!
    Children construct their own intelligence. The adult must provide activities and context, but most of all must be able to listen. Children need proof that adults believe in them. Their three great desires are to be listened to, to understand, and to demonstrate that they are exactly what we expect."
    Loris Malaguzzi

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  5. #4
    Expansive...
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    Does she cry when she is in your arms too? or just when she is left to her own devices?

    I'm NOT insinuating that you should be carrying her around but I have some tips if this is the case

  6. #5
    Euphoric ! Sandbox Sally's Avatar
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    Hang in there!! I had a little girl start the week after her first birthday, and she cried ALL day every day for two solid weeks. The Monday of the third week, it just ended. I am now completely in LOVE with this child! She is sweet, clever, and just plain great to be around. She still cries at drop off, but it ends thirty seconds after mom's out the door. She also does not go down for bed well at all when she is with her parents, but goes down like nothing here now!

  7. #6
    Shy
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    Thank you

    Thx so much for all your feedback! It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through this!
    Your advice was awesome

    She came this morning crying like someone was killing her! Made sure the Mom left right away... basically had to shoo her out LOL!
    Then I put her on the high chair with her favourite cookie and she calmed down, she wasn't crying at all ... until I took her off the chair and was holding her and she started screaming again! Put her back on the chair and she stopped crying!
    Guess she finds some sort of comfort being there... It's just funny how she cries even when I'm holding her and trying to sooth her, guess I'm just going to have to wait it out and hopefully she will settle sooner rather than later!!!

  8. #7
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    Hi,

    I have one who is part time and she started in Jan. She is 17 months old, she used to cry all the time! I hear your pain. Now she cries only at drop off but litterally for 10 seconds after Mom leaves. She has taken 3 months and now she is the sweetest little fun loving little girl.

    Trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel!

  9. #8
    Euphoric ! Inspired by Reggio's Avatar
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    Oh the being happy in the 'confined space' of the highchair makes me think she is definitely anxious ... is she walking or crawling or moving about yet?

    If she is not mobile or a 'new walker' I can only imagine how infants must feel in a busy daycare environment sitting or laying on the floor like a 'sitting duck' as all these bigger mobile kids move around ya and so forth even when they are not 'in' the babies space they are moving around at a pace faster than babe can make sense of ... anxiety would be an understatement for sure!

    Kinda like how I feel if you dropped me ALONE in the middle of downtown in a BIG city with all the people walking on a 'mission' and the people 'begging' on corners or the people with the 'signs' shouting at you about the end of the world and everyone who is NATURAL to that environment is oblivious to the CHAOS cause they know where they are going and have seen those images a 1000 times and your standing there feeling LOST and AFRAID ... and seriously I am not kidding my parents took me to NYC when I was 10 and I got seperated and I can still remember that TERROR and I knew how to communicate and WALK to get to safety
    Children construct their own intelligence. The adult must provide activities and context, but most of all must be able to listen. Children need proof that adults believe in them. Their three great desires are to be listened to, to understand, and to demonstrate that they are exactly what we expect."
    Loris Malaguzzi

  10. #9
    Euphoric !
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    Is she full-time? I have a baby girl right now who had terrible separation anxiety because she and her Mom hadn't been apart for a day or night since she was born. When we were easing her in 2 days/week it was absolutely horrible and she cried all day except for meals and nap. Then when she became full-time after about a month it took a couple more weeks of crying like that then she started jumping into my arms in the morning instead of just crying on her Mom's shoulder when she saw me. Now she's really happy here.

    I was lucky that she's my first arrival so I would spend a bit of time hugging her when she arrived and playing little games and songs with her so we had our bonding time before breakfast and the arrival of her friends. Once these little people trust us they are happy. Can you do something like that with her?

  11. #10
    Shy
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    Dreading Monday

    This new little girl wasn't at Daycare today, but will be starting full time on Monday. She will be my first one to arrive so I will try my best to have some bonding time with her before the rest of the group comes. The problem is that she doesn't want to be near me! She can walk, so when I put her down, she automatically makes a run to the door and sits there and cries! I pick her up take her into the play room show her all the cool new toys to no avail... she runs, crawls, walks... straight to the door! AAAAgh!!
    The rest of the kids that I have are really sweet, they are not noisy troublemakers... they all love playing with legos and puzzles etc... I'm really blessed with the group I have right now.... except for this little one that's just a ball of chaos!! LOL!
    I feel for the rest of the kids because they keep saying... it's too loud make her stop!!
    So I explain to them that she's getting used to the new environment around her and to them as well... the kids understand but still... makes for a lot of grumpy little people by the time she leaves!!
    I totally understand that it must be scary for her being left in a place that she's not sure off...
    btw... that must have been horrible for you! NY of all places to get lost! Yikes!!
    Anyways, I will see how it goes on Monday... nap time is going to be crazy! because if she screams the whole time nobody is going to get any sleep
    Thanks again for the feedback and all your wonderful advice, I will post on Monday.

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