What would you do in this situation?

[samantha3]

Hello,

I have a child who has been with me for over one year now. My problem is that at drop off time the child comes loaded full of candy/chocolate/whatever it takes to get him out of the house so the child can come to daycare. At drop off time there used to be a routine with mom/dad which was they stay for two min and then after that a hug/kiss and good bye.

I sent them an email about a month ago about no more candy in my home! (they now do it right before he walks in the door). Until today he comes in and has chocolate in hand while we are trying to leave to go to the beach at 930 (this is my set time where you need to let me know if you are coming in for the day or not as this is when we leave to go and do whatever....).

Myself trying to leave the house leads to the child grabbing his mom/hitting me in the process (she does not even say anything when her child hits me...ugg) of them trying to say goodbye. The child is saying 'i dont want to go etc...' and then she offers to take him home... and then she does....

What would you do? I am at a loss.... I really like this family but they do not seem to care that their child is having issues and that the chocolate in the morning and not following through with their good bye routines are disruptful to myself and all the other children in my care.

I was going to give a final notice(I have given them reminder emails before in the past regarding the child's violent behavior and candy etc..) would that be fair in this situation?

Thank you for your help, I am so at a loss right now

[apples and bananas]

Wow! Chocolate in the morning? You've got to be kidding me! I have a child who often comes unfed or with food in his hand. If he has food in hand he goes directly to the highchair because thats where we eat food in this house. If he hasn't eaten at all, I let mom know that snack time is at 9:30. But I never offer to feed him.

I think you're right about the final notice. Giving a child chocolate before they come to daycare is just not right, and I think having them walk in with candy is disrespectful to you and your daycare.

I was having trouble with one parent bringing food that wasn't Peanut free and I have a son with an allergy, so I put a sign in my front hall. You could try putting a "no candy" sign by the front door. That may give them the hint.

Good luck.. I hope it works out and you can salvage the family. It's such a shame when you have to transistion another one in.

[samantha3]

Hi Apples and Bananas,

Thank you for the idea, it is crazy how disrespectful some people can be... I just don't get it. sigh...

Sadly the candy is the least of my worries, it is more the drop off behavior in the mornings and how it changes his behavior for the day depending on if the drop off went well or not....

I have started writing this family an email about how this needs to change or they need to find new care.... it just sucks because I really enjoy this family, they just need to give their child boundaries and don't seem to know how to or care to....

[Momof4]

It sounds like this child knows for a fact he can run the household and his parents by misbehaving and they are giving in to him rather than parenting him. It's really difficult for a parent to learn to take control of their child and say NO and mean it and stick to it. Parents are really busy people and feel so guilty because they have to drop their child off at daycare and go make a living. Children are really clever little people who figure this out and manipulate their parents like crazy. It is our job as a parent NOT to let that happen.

We want to raise good people, not manipulative, spoiled, misbehaved people. You don't want a toddler who can manipulate you but trust me, you REALLY don't want a teenager who can manipulate you. How do I know all this? BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!

Now I can give good advice to my own children who are now parents and to my daycare clients that it takes time and effort to put a stop to this type of behaviour in their children and put their foot down. Of course the child will rebel if they have been used to getting their way, but in the long run it is for everybody's benefit and the household will not be a dysfuncional mess!

[samantha3]

Momof4 you got it!! lol, but how do you tell a family that their child is being a manipulative brat and that they should really start parenting?! I am not sure how to go about that conversation lol... But thank you for letting me know about your experience and how important parenting is, I really appreciate it

[Inspired by Reggio]

Ya that is a tough one Samantha - something has to change or the behaviour is only going to get worse

I agree with Momof4 ... I would approach the parent from the place of concern for the child not only now but down the road and a desire to support them to make the hard investment now for the long term pay off down the road... something along the lines of:

"I empathize that it might seem 'easiest' to coax little Johnny to meet expectations for getting to and from daycare and so forth by offering him a chocolate or new toy or whatever because you are tired or in a rush and it is just the 'easiest' way to motivate him during that stressful time of day HOWEVER I am really concerned about the messages that this sends little Johnny and the impact it has on him making 'positive choices' in my program where I cannot bribe him with chocolate or new toys and so forth but rather just have to expect him to behave and make good choices.

I know we all want what is best for Johnny and am confident we can all agree that helping Johnny develop strategies of socially acceptable behaviour and successful decision making skills that will take him through life to grow up to be a positive, healthy thriving individual is something we all are striving for and I am hoping we can brainstorm a different morning routine that will allow Johnny consistency between home and program?'

[Momof4]

Good advice from Inspired by Reggio, but yes I understand that this is tricky. I agree that you do have to keep it as business advice for this parent. This is exactly why I provide a full breakfast at 8am every morning because I don't want parents to have to rush and feed their children junk to get out the door in the morning. I remember having to do that. I've said before that you have to know your audience, whether they want to hear your advice or not. In your situation this is a really important problem and you do have to address it for the sake of the child and your daycare and your sanity!

Lead by example. I stress our healthy food at daycare to the parents, since I serve about half organically grown foods, no sugar except for special holidays and birthdays we have little treats and I serve a bare minimum of prepackaged foods and all home cooked food. I have reminded parents of this and my rules now and then in my newsletter in the past but I am so very proud of the families I have in care now that I don't have to do that. I only have one family who gave their little girl koolaid and drink boxes and dunkaroos and all the things I don't allow at daycare. She was getting this kind of thing on the way here on the bus so I was honest with the Mom about my opinions about sugary pre-packaged products. I know they eat beefaroni and kd and other things I don't approve of and this little girl gets a large percentage of her vitamins and nutrition at daycare. I rhyme off what she has eaten when she is picked up every evening to let her Mom know how well she eats here. They have been with me for 3 years now and the Mom is finally getting it. This little girl now gets real fruit on the bus on the way here.

I take the time to have conversations with my clients or to send them emails when I am concerned. I am very careful not to judge or sound like I'm putting down their parenting skills in any way, that's important. But you do have to let parents know your rules and don't be afraid to point out in a nice way that they deal with one child but you are dealing with 5 children!

If I were you I would ask the parent in your situation to sit down for a talk or send her an email or letter, or a phone call, whichever makes you feel the most comfortable. I would thank her for co-operating when you asked her not to send food into daycare but tell her it is completely unacceptable for the child to have sugar in the morning and then bring him to daycare because you are dealing with the sugar rush and the child is not happy and it is affecting everyone and everything and must stop.

Never be afraid to enforce rules, add something to your contract for next year and stand up for your business decisions. We work so hard and we need good behaviour from the children AND from the parents!

[playfelt]

I think this is one of those situations where you deal with the child infront of the parent as a way of showing the parent how to parent.

When the child has the candy you tell them to please give the candy back to mom because it is an unhealthy breakfast and not acceptable at daycare. I know you think you need candy in exchange for good behaviour but that is not true. I expect you to show appropriate behaviour here at daycare just because that is how we get along with our friends and I see no reason why you can not show the same behaviour at home. Give mom back the candy so we can move on with our day. Mom isn't going to change but you might be able to get the child to change or for mom to see that there are ways to get cooperation without bribery.

If nothing else you have made it known to mom what you expect. If child doesn't give the candy back nor mom take it then interceded and "assist" the child holding out his hand to mom for her to take or even taking it and giving to mom yourself. Mom will leave with the wad of chocolate - not knowing what to do with it and child will scream but they will get over it usually pretty quick. The more often this is done the child will learn the pattern - just like with a soother, toy, etc at the door.

[Inspired by Reggio]

Awesome point Playfelt ... I do that approach with many things ... like when I see a parent dressing a perfectly capable child or carrying a child perfectly capable of walking I say right to the child 'Wow X why are you making mama do that - you know you can put your coat on all by yourself - show your mama what a big boy you are' or 'Oh my X you are going to break mamas back you are far to big to be carried to the car - show mama how you can walk!"

[Momof4]

I do that too playfelt. I talk to the child but really my message is going to the parent. Some would call that passive agressive but it really works like a subliminal message.