So...How long do I let her cry before I move on?

[Judy Trickett]

I had one who SCREAMED for 7 months, one for 4 months, but the 4 month screamer had a milk allergy so once his parents believed they should try lactose free products he got happy, jeeeesh! The 7 month screamer is still here too and eventually I got her under control. Those are the two worst scenarios I've had. If they could all come in happy this job would be too easy, now wouldn't it?

If the parents are making suggestions and listening to your suggestions and making sure the baby's schedule is the same at home and daycare so she can adjust into routines then I say keep trying. If the Mom isn't trying to help you at all, well, good luck! You will know when you have reached your limit.

I know you are a terrific provider. I KNOW this.

BUT....I don't think it matters how nice the parents are or how much they might "say" they are trying to help. The fact of the matter is that we have to spend 9 hours a day with the CHILD and if that child is negative to the environment then we have to move on.

I have had parents who were really nice people but their child was just not a happy person. That's just who that child WAS and no amount of trying was gonna change that child or make our daycare days happier.

At some point you just have to say "enough is enough" and move on with no guilt.

[Sandbox Sally]

I did it. Terminated. After the day we had yesterday, I knew that neither I nor the daycare kids could take it any more. Her mom was SO great about it. I am pretty sure she knew it was coming. I hope she finds alternate care fast though, because I told her I wouldn't leave her in the lurch, and that we'd try to stick it out the two weeks while she found another arrangement. I am hoping, though, that I have to return some of the deposit.

Thanks for the advice ladies.

[Judy Trickett]

Ah, good that's over for you. Now it's just a waiting game with a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Bookworm]

Glad that you came to a decision that is best for everyone! Hopefully you don't have to wait long.

[Lou]

A huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders! Good for you

[Momof4]

I know you are a terrific provider. I KNOW this.

BUT....I don't think it matters how nice the parents are or how much they might "say" they are trying to help. The fact of the matter is that we have to spend 9 hours a day with the CHILD and if that child is negative to the environment then we have to move on.

I have had parents who were really nice people but their child was just not a happy person. That's just who that child WAS and no amount of trying was gonna change that child or make our daycare days happier.

At some point you just have to say "enough is enough" and move on with no guilt.

You know I respect you tremendously Judy, but I guess I hang in there because the thought of interviewing again and starting over from day one again just makes me tired. My little boy who has been here for 6 months had a really bad day today, crying for no reason whatsoever. It's exhausting and the other children actually don't like him and don't want to play with him. My goal is to turn him into a nice little boy who can learn to be social and normal and I'm sure I can do it.

Alpha, you had to do what's best for you and your daycare and I'm sure you will fill the space asap. So glad the Mom was good about it for you, so best of luck!

[Inspired by Reggio]

Yup tolerance for crying is such a personal thing ... as a result we are all going to have a varied point of when to terminate for sure!

After 20 years in the field and working many of them in infant programs where you would have up to 10 infants transition in every Fall I have a fairly high tolerance of infants transitioning into care and experiencing anxiety but not sure I could do months of STRAIGHT UNCONSOLED SCREAMING ALL DAY

Here I have been complaining about my newbie and his 'short cord' but little dude was happy for the most part initially as long as I was holding him or close by and than after couple days as long as he could SEE me and finally after two months I am now able to PEE again without taking him with me! ... but he still has periods where I miss his cues and we have a screaming fit until I can get him fed or down for a nap!

I like Momof4 I also firmly believe that the parents have to be on the same page with beliefs and working with you and I am willing to try a little longer when I know they are trying to be consistent .... IMO when a child takes MONTHS to transition into care it is because there is an inconsistency between expectations between home and care and that is creating the anxiety in the child that causes the screaming and so forth .... so for example if at home they are rocked to sleep with a bottle so have no self soothing skills because they always are 'helped' to sleep and than they come into program and they are being expected to 'figure out' how to self soothe to sleep on their own without the bottle only at night to than be rocked to sleep - they are 'confused / frustratted / anxious' about the different expectations and they express this by crying for the provider who has 'higher' expectations than the skills they have ... if the expectations were the same at both locations the child would be much quicker to master 'self soothing' because they have consistent experiences through which to practice and master the expected task .... hence if the parents are working WITH I am willing to try but if they outright say 'no we want to rock her to sleep' than I would have to say 'ok well that is not going to work here so I will give her 'x' weeks to master self soothing for nap time without screaming and disrupting the children and if she cannot due to the inconsistency between home and program than I will have to terminate ... that way I TRIED and made it clear to the client that the success of their child in the program is being compromised by THEIR choice cause I cannot rock a child to sleep with a bottle daily while getting 4 other children to sleep at the same time!

Plus crying is the only way young infants really know how to 'communicate' so it is normal during those first few months of care to have a lot of crying through out the day as we learn about each others routines and needs and learn how to read their 'cues' but once they have been in care and you can read cues to meet needs before they need to 'cry' to draw attention to them and they are developing 'words' than the crying is replaced with better forms of communication!

For example my first few weeks of care my new babe would come in happy and than after 30 minutes the crying would start and he had been fed and just woke up just had his diaper changed because I change every kid upon arrival to check for 'rash / marks on body' so he should be 'happy' and so initially I was just trying to redirect him back to playing and so forth but than after a couple of days I noticed that after about 10 minutes of not being able to redirect him I would go through the not hungry, not tired - check the diaper sure enough POOPY but dude did not smell so he could be sitting on your lap poopy and no clue and he had likely pooped and been crying because of that

[Sandbox Sally]

Thanks for the support, as always, women. Her mom actually found someone right away, so I am FREE! Hurray! I will sign one of three new little ones this Friday, and I am happy once again.

Reggio, I completely hear what you are saying re communication and crying, and also being out of her element, but this one cried when I held her unless I was walking around or bouncing her. She wasn't crying to have her needs met, because as I see it, I WAS meeting all her needs, and then some!

Do you think that some kids and providers, even if they're both great, just don't mesh?

[Inspired by Reggio]

...Do you think that some kids and providers, even if they're both great, just don't mesh?

Yup ... some personalities are just not meant to work together and sometimes children's little brains are just so complex you do not know WHY they are freaking out about one thing or another!

All throughout my career I have seen children be little Angels for Provider A and Provider B walks into the room does not do or say anything but all of a sudden the child is full of behaviour - they just do not LIKE each other for whatever reason ... some sixth sense from a past life who knows?

Back in the 17 week maternity leave era we once had a kid in centre care who would scream ALL DAY LONG unless it was ME who was holding him or sitting beside him ... NINE MONTHS this kids screamed bloody murder if I was not in the room - he was 'content' if I was in the room but he would only eat for me, fall asleep for me and so forth and if I was with another child he would loose his little noodle flapping his arms and screaming ... it was STRESSFUL for everyone including me because I basically ended up having to care for this one kid while my two coworkers had to manage the other NINE babies on their own and if I had to take a sick day or vacation it was weeks of HELL for everyone - my coworkers were awesome caring people, his parents were TRYING to encourage him to be more tolerant of other people and working on delayed gratification so that he could trust I would meet his needs when done meeting the needs of another child but the dude was just afraid of everyone one and everything ... lord help anyone if another babe started crying in the room it would take forever to calm him down! I think he took to me because I was very similar in appearance and size to his mother and our voice tones were similar ... just as his 1 year birthday was approaching we were at the point of finally having to sit down with his parents and say 'this is not going to work' cause he was due to graduate to the next infant room and I was NOT willing to make that move with him and everyone was afraid how the kid would cope with the 'change' ... and than like a light switch one day he just started 'tolerating' others and would be more happy to crawl around and play and so forth even when I left the room, started letting others feed him and so forth cause all along we kept TRYING to set goals and make progress we did not want to cow tow to 'behaviour' that might have been developed .... weirdest kid I have EVER cared for as far as phobias go - we tried everything but this kid was literally beyond distraught when others had to care for him and well at 3 months of age it was NOT BEHAVIOUR because at that age infants do not have the cognitive ability to manipulate people .... it was some sort of internal FEAR governing this kids instincts ... he would literally rather starve himself during the day than calm down enough to eat from someone other than a parent or me and thankfully for him he took to me otherwise I imagine he would have failed to thrive at all within the program and they would have had to terminate him because his mother's boss would not have tolerated her having to leave and come feed him everyday - one thing for one of my sick days but not a long term solution!

[Inspired by Reggio]

BTW - that kid was my FIRST year as an ECE and he seriously had me questioning my career choice ... thankfully that breed is 'unique' never had another like him but it could be that experience that makes every other transitioning babe a BREEZE