Terminating for the first time.......sad and also a bit relieved.

[busydaycarelady]

So, I set a "needs to improve by date" for a family who's 7.5 year old girl has serious, serious emotional and behavioral issues and they are steadily growing worse. I gave family nearly 2 months to put a plan into action(that I was more than willing to work with them on once they decided what they wanted to do) that will help this little girl overcome her issues( currently they are hitting, grabbing, terrible-god awful-rolling on the ground-temper tantrums, coloring on walls, running away, blatant disregard for other people around her, telling me 'hurting people's feelings is fun'). I personally believed counselling was the appropriate choice, but they thought it would be too 'embarassing if friends found out', so they choose to ignore the behavior and outbursts or give in to shut her up and "it's our hope she will outgrow this". Well, now we have a complete demon on our hands and she is out of control and time is running out on the need to improve by date. I feel for the child because she needs help, but I can no longer deal with it. I've had them for 2 years exactly. I've printed up my letter and I am going to give it to mom and dad on Wednesday. I've never had to do this and I feel awful, but I know it has to be done for my own sanity and that of the other little ones here.

Why can't some people look at their troubled child and say, "This is not normal. Or fair to allow her to stumble through life like this. I need to do SOMETHING besides ignore it". I seriously wonder how this child will get thorugh life. 2 years ago she began as a child with a bit of a temper and was a spoiled child and now she is this. *sigh* More of a rant I guess, but it makes me so very sad that this is what it has come to and that the parents just can't see WHY it is such a huge issue. I know it is very hard for them to see this, but still, to sit idly by?

I know my days will be easier once she has left. That is what I keep thinking of.

[Cadillac]

Wow, they actually told you that they are too embarassed to get her help because of what their friends would think? (vomits in my own mouth). . . . . what do they think their friends think now? . . . better yet . . WHO GIVES A CRAP.

It was children like this who I worked with in treatment centres. The kids weren't the problem . . . it was the parents! once the kids settled in to the idea that they were in care they were wonderful little human beings that just needed to be heard

[Inspired by Reggio]

... It was children like this who I worked with in treatment centres. The kids weren't the problem . . . it was the parents! once the kids settled in to the idea that they were in care they were wonderful little human beings that just needed to be heard

I know it is so sad ... behaviour like that is so not NORMAL OR NECESSARY even in children with 'mental health' issues - if there is a PLAN in place to help them cope THEY THRIVE TOO just like other children .... but often it is the chaos in the home either in the form of inconsistent expectations and routines, or unrealistic expectations for their development and skills or parents trying to be 'friends' with kids who just need someone to be firm but loving with them and so forth!

[Dayhome Mamma]

ummm....she is 7.5 and they are "hoping she will outgrow it?"!!! Are you kidding me? A child that ages should not be having tantrums period. Doesn't the growing out of it usually happen around 4 or 5 years of age?. I just have never met any child that old that would behave like that. Can't believe you have spent two years with this. Remember that you have already sacrificed a lot of time and energy into helping this family and that you are a trooper for having committed to it for so long. Don't feel bad. You tried to put up with it and it just isn't working. In the end, its your life you have to worry about and make the way you want to happily live in it. You haven't been put on this planet to have to work for these people They've gotta live and deal with their own issues.

[michellesmunchkins]

People like this shouldn't be parents. Don't we vow to do everything possible to make our children happy and healthy individuals when we decide to have them? To me, and this is just my opinion but withholding medical care (even mental health) is a form of abuse. They are going to destroy their little girl for the sake of not wanting to look bad in front of others...ugh!!!! Makes me so angry to hear this. Mental health is HUGE right now, even in kids. With help she could probably be such a wonderful happy little girl. Its even harder to terminate in this situation because at least when she is with you, you know that you are doing everything you can to help her...once she leaves who knows what will happen to her...I went through this with twins in care its awful and its heartbreaking!

[Inspired by Reggio]

Ummm ----well IMO they should never grow IN to tantrums in the first place

A tantrum gets you time ALONE in my house and that is IT ... it certainly does not get you what you want even if 'later' you calm down and try to ask for it nicely - to little to late today NEXT TIME you remember to talk things out first, it certainly does not get you ATTENTION from others while you throw one or give you the right to ruin other peoples play while having one and it certainly does not WORK to get you what you wanted in the first place leading into the tantrum .... so therefore they quickly outgrow them here cause they do not WORK

I have honestly never had a child in a 'tantrum' stage for more than 1 month tops (provided parents are working WITH me to send the same messages at home) takes upwards of 3 months or so if they are not working 'with me' for the kid to realize that HERE they are not a socially acceptable behavior, they do not resolve your problem or get you want you want AND that no one wants to be around a person who is behaving so negatively - all they get you here is time alone away from the group to think about a 'better way' to communicate your needs to others if you are frustrated or to choose to accept a 'no' about something with grace and dignity .... and whatever you threw the 'tantrum' for the first place is NO LONGER AN OPTION TODAY .... so if it was over a turn for something - that item is no longer an option, it it was because they wanted some 'different' for a meal next meal they get the food that was served at the LAST meal and be thankful for that if they throw a tantrum because they do not want to go home at pick up - the parent gets told to pick them up like a football and LEAVE with them as is - undressed to the car they go ... they the next day they have to tidy up and get ready to go home 10-15 minutes before their parent arrives and 'sit patiently waiting for them and leave graciously when they get there' and if they do not than rinse lather and repeat until they DO leave graciously and well you get the point

I am all about NATURAL consequences and in my opinion that is a natural way to deal with tantrums ... while they may be 'developmentally appropriate' when a child has no language to 'communicate' they are still SOCIAL UNACCEPTABLE and therefore you clearly send the message they are WILL NOT BE TOLERATED - you do not give into them, you do not negotiate with them if a child is refusing to 'comply' you just pick them up and take them to bed and tell them 'when you have calmed down and can TALK to me we can reflect on this - until then you can be here where you are safe and so is everyone else' and when they THROW ONE you make sure that whatever it was they 'wanted' in the first place they do not GET anytime soon so that you do not send the message it WORKED cause otherwise they just KEEP THROWING THEM MORE AND MORE until you get a ticking time bomb kid who tantrums over everything and than they grow up to be that 'classmate' or 'coworker' who always has to get their way and will whine and cry and throw a fit until everyone else just 'capitulates' because they do not want to listen to it

[Momof4]

So very sad. You have done your job and everything you can do to help in this situation. You have made great suggestions but parenting the children is not your job. Helping the children learn, including manners and good behaviour is a big part of your job but the parents are responsible for all of it. You gave them 2 months notice and I think that's lots of time so I hope you have been interviewing and have another family lined up. Terminate and don't feel the least bit guilty because you did your part.

[mom-in-alberta]

Ugh, I am disgusted and saddened.
It's going to be even more embarrassing when this child inevitably does something to seriously harm someone or something, and the parents are forced (by law or children's services) to face up, isn't it???
I agree that it's time to terminate. You have done all you can. I honestly think that you should say everything you want to say (politely, but matter-of-factly), in that letter. Leave it all on the table, so to speak.
Good luck!!!