Terminating for the first time.......sad and also a bit relieved. Part 2.......

[busydaycarelady]

It is so sad. Mom wrote me an email on the weekend saying her new "strategy" to deal with inappropriate behavior from this child is that when said child acts up whether it's a tantrum, breaking things like her sister's toys, jumping on furniture and counters she is going to walk away from the entire situation, go to her own room, lock the door and read or have a nap or have a shower or talk on the phone. Once the action stops she will leave her room and IGNORE the fact that this behavior has happened and instead "praise her deeply for skills she possesses and previous good deeds"(these were her exact words). She said she's been using this tactic for about a month now, which would explain why she's been acting more terribly here - it's working at home and she figures she will eventually wear me down. Mom asked me to employ this method to I told her no way. I will only use time outs. I will not allow her to do whatever she wants.

So, I printed up my termination letter and was planning on giving it to her Wednesday, but yesterday as I'm making after school snacks, I hear the bathroom door being slammed over and over. She's on the inside doing this and another kid is on the outside. I tell them to stop and she continues. I open the door, she's totally naked, with poopy toilet paper in her hand slamming the door. I close it and tell her to finish, wash up and come out. She responds with "I am not in the mood for your CRAP! You're stupid, ugly, etc. I hate you!" I put her in timeout and she continues screaming at me. It's not fair to the other kids, it's not fair to me, even my dog ran and hid under my bed.

I gave mom termination letter last night at pick up and explained what happened. Child says, "No, I was sitting on the toilet and she came in and told me to get out." Child continues with "See mom, this the crap I have to put up with. She is so stupid and ugly. I hate her." Mom says," Well, that's your opinion and you are more than entitled to your own opinion". I tell her this is not appropriate way for a child to treat anyone and mom says she is raising her daughter to "stand up for herself" and "be assertive and to be a strong and independent woman". She goes on to say she has done tons of research on child development and spoken to many public health nurses who agree that this is "completely normal behavior for 7 year olds and that I will finally "see the light" once my own children turn 7 and I have to deal with the exact same behavior. I disagree but told her that I simply cannot and will not put up with this behavior anymore. I've given 2 weeks notice but told her if an outburst like that happenes again, she will not be allowed back. She went to say some rude things about how I'm not a good caregiver but I choose to ignore them and tell her to have a great evening. It's so terribly sad that this woman feels this is normal and okay. *sigh* In the meanttime, advertising like mad for another family to fill in. Have an interview lined up in the next little while, hoping it is a good match for the family and myself!

[Inspired by Reggio]

Um - when I pick my jaw up off the floor I will come back and add my 2 cents to moms 'enlightenment on child development' cause my guess is she did not give the 'professionals' the WHOLE story to her child's behaviour and her role in it :roll:

In the meantime - PEACE is around the corner for you

[apples and bananas]

My daughters 8 and I can't imagion her behaving like that. First of all, where did she even learn to say something like "this is crap" WOW! Good role models in that home I'm sure.

It was nice of you to give her 2 weeks, but as soon as she started comenting on how poor of a caregiver you were I would have revolked the 2 weeks and told her to have a nice day. How dare she disrespect you in your own home.

Good on you for turning the other cheek. Life will be much quieter without her I'm sure.

[playfelt]

A sassy attitude and ego bigger than themselves is totally normal for a 7 year old BUT.... the behaviour is that of a brat plain and simple and should not be tolerated by anyone.

For sure she did not disclose everything to the health professionals. I think at this point any family would be a good replacement. As annoying as crying can be I so prefer that over the mouthy ones. There is something to be said for kids too young to talk back.

[Lou]

ummm, holy S#!$!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My daughter is 7 and if she EVER talked to ANYONE like that EVER she would be in soooo much trouble. Thankfully, due to PARENTING she would never dream of it. You are absolutely right in terminating, it's one thing to have behaviours issues...it's a whole other story when Mom is blatently ignoring, if not, encouraging this behaviour. Since she's not willing to work with you in correcting such inexcusable behaviour, BYE BYE!

[sunnydays]

Wow! I am speachless! That is probably the WORST parenting strategy I have ever heard of! No wonder the kid is messed up! Honestly, I would have terminated without notice due to the mom's disrespect for you. I would not want to go through two more weeks of seeing this mom and this child in my own home. I have a 16 year old son and he has NEVER spoken to anyone in that manner at any age. This is not normal or acceptable and she will not grow out of it by ignoring it. Anyway, you know that...that's why you terminated! Good job! I hope you fill your space really quickly with someone who gives you the respect you deserve

[Inspired by Reggio]

.... Once the action stops she will leave her room and IGNORE the fact that this behavior has happened and instead "praise her deeply for skills she possesses and previous good deeds"(these were her exact words)....

Um sorry - been in the field for eons now and taken just about ever varied 'behaviour and guidance' genre workshop and yes many behaviour management experts do employ 'positive reinforcement' aka catch them when they do GOOD for sure .... but she is leaving out the part about enforcing clear expectations for behaviour and natural consequences for poor behaviour and choices .... if this child is behaviour rude, hurtful, destructive or property she has to be taught there are consequences for that - you do not just get to blow your top and everyone else pays for it!

Also YES they will tell you that if you NEED to - than walk away and give yourself some distance ... this is to be employed if you are on the verge of 'loosing it' and the strategy is to prevent yourself from HARMING your child not just as the 'go to strategy' everytime they act up you just leave and lock the door and leave them there demolishing your house - you are suppose to attempt to put strategies in place to avoid getting to that stage with the child through clear expectations and consequences and if the STILL get to that point you have to walk away - when you are calm you 'resolve' the issue you do not IGNORE IT and hope it will go away

And yes as parents of children we need to 'pick our battles' in regards to ignoring certain things because the more 'attention' you give them the more power it gives the kids - however VIOLENCE is not one of those things! Things like swearing in toddlers the more you 'draw attention' to it the more they swear so just 'ignore' it or do minimal 'if you are going to use that word go to your room' so they are not getting 'attention for it' and the stage passes - however if a child were 'biting' you would not IGNORE it and hope it went away or destroying the siblings things out of anger - you do not IGNORE THAT.

....mom says she is raising her daughter to "stand up for herself" and "be assertive and to be a strong and independent woman". ....

Nope - beg to differ - she is teaching her child to LIE rather than accept responsibility for her poor choices, she is teaching her child to be rude and disrespectful to others just cause she 'feels like it' and she is teaching her that she can behave like a little asshat and that there are no consequences for her behaviour because mom keeps 'excusing' her inappropriate behaviour and not making the world come tumbling down around her for that behaviour!

You can teach a child to be outspoken and stand up for themselves without being RUDE

You can teach a child to be assertive without being AGGRESSIVE

And you can respect a child's emotions and need to express them without allowing them to 'devolve into a destructive danger to others' .... seriously this women is in for a world of hurt as this poor child grows up and has to 'manage' in social situations where people are not going to allow her to behave like this, speak to them like that without seriously negative consequences ... like in SCHOOL where some of those behaviours will get her suspended!

Have an interview lined up in the next little while, hoping it is a good match for the family and myself!

Sending you filler up vibes with a supportive and responsive client who wants to raise a truly 'well balanced and thriving' human being!

[Skysue]

All I can say is you gave 2 weeks? No Thank You!

I'm happy you terminated and that the only person who is going to be in shock when her child gets older is that Mother. Especially when her DD only gets to make 2 phone calls.

Why do people not want to make their kids accountable for there crazy behavior? Her DD was down right disrespectful and rude to you!

Right there I would have terminated on the spot!

[Mamma_Mia]

Holy shit balls!!!!!!
I would have flipped my lid! WOW! Its sad to see how damaged that child is...at 7 already being so rude, lying, agressive and being encouraged to do so! ughhh makes me want to b!tch slap the mom!! I agree wih everyone else 2 weeks is being too nice. I'd call her and say due to the plain disrespect the termination is immediate.

I'm so angry for you right now!

<<<<hugs>>>>

[mom-in-alberta]

Shut the.... front door.... are you kidding me???????
Like Reggio, my jaw actually- physically- DROPPED while reading this. Burying your head in the sand like a camel is possibly the worst thing this mother can do to curb the behaviour from this child.
Truthfully, I wouldn't have lasted as long as you did. And I, for damn sure, would not have put up with her calling me names and disrespecting me so blatantly in front of the mother (with zero repurcussions, no less!). You are absolutely entitled to your own opinion. But I am also entitled to the respect I deserve.
This is in NO WAY considered "age appropriate". I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old, and you better believe that if they did ANY of those things, there would be some consequences. How does a child learn "This is the crap I gotta deal with?" or "I don't have time for this crap?". From home, that's how.
Gawwwd I am just disgusted and saddened. But also relieved, because whether you decide to terminate immediately or give the full 2 weeks, either way, you have an end in sight now!!
Here's to moving on!