Help with a tough letter to a mom

[jazmic]

Hey Cadillac,

I thought the body was good. I made a few minor corrections and suggestions that I've highlighted in bold for you to consider.


I thought I should send you a detailed update on how ___ has been doing here as I’m sure you’ve been wondering about the details of her day since our discussion regarding her spike in aggressive behaviour.

_______has not put her hands on anyone since and I feel better about leaving the room for short periods of time (to prep snack, take a bathroom break, etc.) She will attempt to use her words when she feels upset but most times she will use her words in an attempt to manipulate or bully the other children, or even me, into getting her way. She will manipulate much like the way you described when she wanted ballerina music in the car. If the issue is over a toy she will do something like tell the child that she just wants to show them a new or different way to play the game. When the other child agrees to this she will simply take the toy and start playing, excluding that child from play. If the other child attempts to regain their toy ______will then yell at them and tell me that they are trying to take their toy or that no one will let her play by herself. She will bully children into getting her way by telling them that she won’t be their friend and won’t play with them unless she gets to do X or be X. When she is either caught in one of these acts or spoken to about how to play fair, share, etc she simply becomes upset/angry and behaviour amplifies instead of being corrected. Time-outs have the same, or worse, effect.

The sticker program has helped for small periods of time throughout the day. Some goals have been met much more than others. Her listening has improved some and she is only a couple stickers away from getting her reward in the category. She has also earned stickers for using her words when upset (only if she has not used her words in a manipulative or bullying way). I find that when I give ______a sticker for playing nicely with her friends, the positive behaviour that I have reinforced quickly diminishes and we will soon have an issue. ______has many stickers to earn before getting her reward for letting her friends have special moments. Her need for attention (deleted the "in my home" cos I thought it came across as angry) is extremely high and it has been an issue I’ve been attempting to deal with for quite some time, without any succcess.

If _____is getting the amount of attention she wants she is happy, giggly, and tends to have great days here. However, I am not able to give this type of attention to her if I am to give all the children the attention they deserve. After the daycare has closed I often feel as though I did not do my job in giving other children attention. I feel like I haven’t sat down with my own child all day, and that ____has suffered a big loss of the type of attention she needs at her age.

_____receives at least twice the amount of attention, twice the praise, and double the quality one of one time as the other children and it still seems to be less than what she needs to be satisfied. We have had many talks about how I must pay attention to everyone, that she needs to let other children be praised without begging for more herself, that everyone needs a chance to talk to me, that she can’t always be the first, that she is great but not better than anyone else, and that everyone else also needs some special ‘Andy time’. After these conversations I feel like I have only bruised her ego somewhat and that nothing has really been absorbed. They behaviour only amplifies.

The other day she told me out of the blue, during some one on one time when most of the other children were still sleeping, that there are too many children here and she doesn’t like it. She told me she wished that they wouldn’t come so that it would just be us dancing together and no one else. She told me that ____can come only if it is _____'s birthday and _______can come sometimes but not all the time (but only because she kinda likes her hair LOL). It got me wondering whether I am able to give ____what she needs in order to feel loved and happy.

My goal, of course, is to care for all the children in my home in such a way that they all flourish. It concerns me when I feel that this is not being accomplished as is the situation in ___'s case. I will continue working with ____ and hope to see some improvement soon. I will give you another update soon and we can re-evaluate the situation then and see how best to proceed."