I am at a loss.... Help!

[samantha3]

I have had a child in my care now for almost two years (3yr 9m old boy). My problem is that he is consistently hitting/kicking etc. He is even smart enough to wait until he thinks that I have left the room to act.....

My question is: what would you do for guidance etc for this type of consistent behavior?

I have tried:

-shadowing him all day ( not realistic but I thought I would give it a go for awhile)
-have him sit with myself where ever I go (if I am doing laundry, he is doing laundry etc.)
-time outs in a room where he can not see other children for max of 4min (this does not seem to phase him as he will come out and just commence undesired behavior again)
-redirection- sending him off to do an activity by himself (this works best as he is assigned to an activity and I choose when hi is finished).

I guess I am wondering if you are having constant problems with a child and their behavior would you let them play by them self all morning as a consequence with the reason being 'if you can't keep your hands on your own body then you are not welcome to play with others'. Is this too long to be by yourself playing?

Also, would you ever put a child in a time away/time out for longer or do you stick with 1min per how old the child is?

I feel that this child knows the rules and is quite understanding of what is being asked of him, I just feel that nothing is working as the behavior continues each day and it is really starting to FRUSTRATE me!!

I want to keep this child as I enjoy the family and other then the constant behavior issues that we have consistently throughout the day. He is a really sweet little boy and I want to help him work through these issues. Any suggestions would be appreciated Thank you!

[Judy Trickett]

Is he kicking other kids??? If so then I don't allow that. He would be terminated. He would get about two weeks to resolve this behaviour and if he didn't I would give him walking papers.

You simply can NOT have a kid like that in care. He is a liability to your business. Keeping kids in care who hurt other kids puts the enrollment of EVERY other family at risk. Parents will lose patience very quickly if their kid goes to daycare every day and comes home bruised and bloody because another kid is harming them.

This kid is nearly FOUR years old. Do you have any idea how hurtful he could be to a 2 yr old or, God-forbid, a 12 mth old????? He is waaaay too old for this type of behaviour and he KNOWS what he is doing (hence the doing it when he thinks you can't see him). This is intentional bullying and there is NO way it should be allowed to go on.

If you can't curb this in the next week or two you MUST terminate him. He is a risk to the other kids and your business. It doesn't matter how "sweet" he is other times.

[Inspired by Reggio]

Um ya at almost 4 years of age I have NO tolerance or patience for aggression and violence in a child ... by this age they should have the language, impulse control and conflict resolutions skills to make better choices and the fact that is is NOT means that misbehaving is getting him BETTER results than NOT misbehaving so he is not motivated to make the better choice .... so if you are not willing to terminate him than you need to have his world coming down around him when he behaves this way so he that learns that BEHAVING is the better result ... so to answer your question if 'the threat of being ALONE to play' motivates him to behave better when he is with the group than YES that would be the natural consequence to his misbehaving ~ if we cannot trust you to treat us with respect and dignity than we do not want to PLAY with you you can PLAY ALONE this is a logical consequence for sure and I would keep him separated from the group as long as it takes for it to be a 'negative' experience for him and motivate him to WANT to be back with the group!

I use barriers like hula hoop or carpet squares to define space for kids and normally this is something THEY choose as an option let others know they need some space to play alone or they want to build with blocks and not have them knocked over by others so the hoops serve as visual reminder to others 'do not knock over my blocks' or when I am on a carpet square I want to play alone please do not bug me .... it is a from of self regulation for them when they are feeling frustrated with the 'group' and generally an option to use BEFORE they start hitting or kicking people .... so with a child like this he would have to stay within the barrier to play ALONE until it was ME that choose to allow him to try again with the group because he obviously is not able to regulate himself and needs help

I would also be talking to the PARENTS and inquiring about what is going on at HOME ~ does he behave like this at home and how is it handled there? You all need to be on the same page sending the message that this behavior will NOT be tolerated!

[Littledragon]

Have you spoken to his parents about the behavior? Most likely, there is something at home that is bothering him, and he is taking out his aggression on the other kids. Have they recently had a new baby? Have they recently moved? You've had this kid for two years, it's unrealistic for you to just give up on him - in my opinion. However, I agree with the above statements that he WAY too old to be hitting or kicking, and since he knows what he is doing is wrong, then this should be INTOLERABLE. I honestly don't know what I would in your situation, but the first thing would be to talk to his parents. They need to curb the situation at home. He's old enough to express himself, as well, so I would ask him why he thinks it's okay to do that and why he does it. I would then explain to him WHY he shouldn't do it - it hurts the other kids, it hurts them inside and out. I had a 2 year old who bit his three year old brother - even drew blood! Nothing stopped him. One day, he bit his brother really hard, left a big blue bruise and it was all bloody. I took the older brother's shirt off and showed the little guy. When he saw what he had been doing, he started crying and never did it again.

I have a ZERO tolerence for physical violence in my daycare. However, this is to the point where he simply doesn't care about what you're saying so taking things away, time outs and so on won't work. His parents need to be the ones to resolve this issue. You have done everything you can. I would tell the parents that this needs to be resolved or you're going to have to let them go. Hopefully, this will whip them into shape!

Good luck!

[dodge__driver11]

Yes I agree with Judy and Reggio there'd be no way this would be happening in my program....as she would say NEXT....

[Momof4]

I agree with the above posters, that if the parents are not helping to discipline this child you have to look at the big picture. Your job is to protect ALL the children. Give the parents a warning letter that you must see improved behaviour within a few weeks or else. Set a deadline, let them know you are serious, put your ads up. We can only do so much and then it's the parents responsibility, you know?

[fruitloop]

How long has he been doing this behaviour? Has this always been an issue with him?

[samantha3]

Thanks for the ideas everyone.

This child has always had an issue around calming his body/impulse control/using hitting rather than words etc.

We have made so much progress since he has been here so it is hard for me to just 'let him go' without making a few last efforts. I am prepared to let him go, but I would like to try and work with the family first.

I spoke to his family a few months ago regarding this behavior stating that if this harmful behavior continues you will need to look for care elsewhere as it is not good for the group...

Nothing really changed too much and I do not know why I did not talk to them further then....

His sibling just started last week and he seems to be clinging to her, very frustrating because he seems to think that he can use her as a human punching bag.

So I also feel that this is part my fault for not following up with them and being on top of asking them to parent their child.

I find it frustrating to watch at pick up time/drop off time because he will

-climb on my furniture (until I have to butt in and say something)
-kick mom (I recently just started saying something when this happens... she just lets him do it)
-will not leave without the bribe of candy from mom some days
-watches violent cartoons at home/video games with dad (I asked them to stop playing wi boxing a few months ago and they did but it has now been replaced with another game/show)

I am just frustrated and want to help this child, but it is hard when I feel that the parents do not care... and I recently terminated someone at the beginning of June (due to constant late pick ups) so I do not want to be scaring my other families off.

Today I am going to try letting him play all by himself in a separate room if he begins this behavior and then go on to do something fun that he loves with the rest of the group...

I will see if spending the majority of the morning playing by himself will do anything to change this behavior....

Thanks for everything, your thoughts are really great to hear

[fruitloop]

You know, I just went through this will a little guy I had. He also had issues from day 1 and I had to ask the parents to stop doing certain things at home with the child. In the end, I gave them a warning letter that the behaviour had to change by his return in the fall (teacher family) and that they were being put on probation when they returned. They decided to pull him out instead. They either weren't confident that his behaviour was going to change or didn't want to put the work into him in order to change his behaviour. I didn't dislike the child at all, he had a lot of really great qualities BUT I just couldn't risk my business any longer and knew if I kept him in care, I would end up loosing families because of him or it would end on bad terms. It was a blessing in disguise for them to pull him out. My days are so much more enjoyable with him not here because I'm not always worried he is going to injure anyone. You have to do what's best for your group and your business. Keeping him on without the support of the parents to change things will not work and you will end up resenting him and/or the parents and you will dread your days along with the children in your care.

[Momof4]

It's so sad that parents don't want to do their job and discipline and are content to let their child grow up to be a psychopath who knows he can get away with anything. All it takes is consistency and rules and discipline every day for a few months without caving in to the child's demands and then you have a well-behaved child who will know for the rest of their life that they must conform to society and have empathy for their fellow human beings. Just sad.