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  1. #1

    Warning Letter or Termination Letter? Hmmm HELP!

    I need some advice!

    In the past 6 years of running a daycare I have never came across this type of issue. There are 2 problems- the child and the family.

    First issue, and to be honest the biggest one. The mom and dad of the child have a toxic relationship. He is a dry drunk and she is a "right" fighter. The mom brings all her issues to drop off and pickup. Every week it is something new. I find that she is spending an hour after pickup to yap about the drama she has going on at home. Months before I had to make my personal cell phone the daycare phone because she calls everyday all hours of the day. if i ignore my cell she would call my home line and let it ring off the hook. I get that she is needing a friend but I cant keep dealing with her personal issues.

    Second issue, is her chld who is now acting out due to the crazy drama at home. She has been pushing, kicking and biting the smaller children in our daycare. After a month her child seemed to be doing better but now that a baby has joined our group she has started biting again. This child is almost 3 years old.

    Did I mention she also bad mouths my employee? Treating her like she is too young to be in charge of 6 kids...she is 26! I just feel like she is condacending towards her when she is really doing an awesome job.

    Is this ground for termination? What would you do? Kinda frustrated with it all. I dont think I can take much more of her drama or excuses when it comes to discussing her childs behaviour. What are your thoughts? What would you do? Any examples on how to write up a warning letter based on her daughters behaviour?
    Last edited by Beanie83; 08-08-2012 at 11:10 PM.

  2. #2
    Euphoric ! kidlove's Avatar
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    First of all, POOR KID! although it is NOT your job to save the child, how could anyone not feel for her? Her situation is not one that any child should have to deal with. How long did you say she has been with you? Do you have enough authority over her that she will listen and respect your correction? or is she a loose canon? this child needs to be told that this is not the way we treat ANYONE! it is not acceptable for her to disrespect any adult. Or any other person. She needs to be shown how to love, she is obviously not getting the proper training at home. sounds like she is coming from an abusive environment! If you cant keep her under control though, I do think it would be grounds for termination, however....the problem is NOT the childs behavior, the problem is how and who is raising the child. If you cant keep a grip on her while she is in your care God knows you will never be able to stop what goes on at home, looks like a losing battle on your part.
    As far as the Mother coming to you about personal matters at home? I would inform her immediately, you are no longer a confidant or "go-between" in their marriage. You are there for one thing and one thing only, and that is to take proper care of their child while they work. This has happened to me before a few times, I was in the middle of a couple of messy divorces. Although we sometimes tend to form a bond with the people we work with, the bottom line is it is strictly professional when it comes to some things, and marrital issues are OFF THE TABLE!!! Good luck with whatever you decide. Dont forget though if you are going to let them go, dont make it directly about the childs behavior alone, they already dragged you in so you may as well let them know it about the childs behavior resulting from what seems to be going on at home. That would be MY one last ditch effort to nake them realize what they are "doing" to their daughter. SO SAD!

  3. #3
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    In all honest, what is a warning going to do? It's not going to fix anything. You could talk to mom about her daughter's behaviour and maybe mentioning that all the drama (mention only the one she brings to your home - not at her home) may be affecting her behaviour. Maybe mom doesn't see it. But kidlove is right, it's not your job to fix it. I am a fixer, my first instinct would be to tell mom that her bahviour and her relationship with her husband are affecting her daughter in a negative way, but this could result in some MAJOR disagreements.

    I would seriously think about terminating. But maybe leave it open ended so that she has the opening to ask why she's being terminated and then maybe then you can mention that her daughter is in a toxic environment. But, it sounds to me like mom either knows this and doesn't care or just doesn't care. Sadly, there are a lot of people in this world who assume children hear and see nothing at that age when it is the exact opposite.

  4. #4
    Thanks ladies. I have had the little girl for over a year and in that year the behaviour has gotten worse. I think we have hung in there so long because I feel sorry for the little girl and love her dearly. Her mom finds any reason to drop her off even tho she doesnt work and either does the father. She feels she has say in who we bring into the daycare (child wise). I just feel like she is over stepping boundries and my employee is getting the brunt of it all. The ministry is already involved at home, if they were to ask I would be completely honest. Her house has abuse in it even tho mom claims he doesnt drink or abuse her when she is awake...I call BS..what drunk can control his anger until his daughter is in bed.

    Normally 3 year olds are easy to redirect but this little girl has the development of a 18 month old. We have offered to set aside some time to chat about the letter I sent last night....but I felt like I was writing a termination letter right then. I know it wont work because the mom makes excuses for everything. When it come down to it I gotta keep everyone safe even if it means letting them go. God knows I would keep her child if I could poor girl

  5. #5
    apples and bananas
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    Sounds like a mess that you don't need to be involved in. Bye bye! This is your job, not your social hour, she doesn't seem to get that. You know too much about this families home life (more then you want to I'm sure) It's gotten past the point of profesional realationship and no matter what you do you will not get that professional realationship back.

    I would terminate based on child behaviour, not a good fit anymore. Give a good amount of notice and get it pre paid.

    It's very easy for us to keep the child because we feel like we're the only stability or positive environment, but that's not our job. I kept a kid for a long time because I was the only structure he had and no matter how much his parents messed things up I would continue care, because it's really not his fault. I eventually had to let him go. I can't save everyone. I'm sure you've given her a good base, hopefully the next provider will carry it on.

    Get out now before it get's worse.

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  7. #6
    Euphoric ! kidlove's Avatar
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    apples and bananas: you are so right, and I had the very same situation as you both, took the child for 4 yrs. it only got worse the older he got though, get out while it can still be someewhat pleasant, I learned the hard way and after 4 yrs of love and care for that child, he had to watch his mother and I duke it out one night at about 8 pm for pick up over 2 hours late.. get out now and pray for the child.

  8. #7
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    It would drive me nuts for sure, but I do feel baad for them so i would give them one more chance. Write her a letter explaining that in order for care to continue, you need to return to a business only relationship. Explain that when she picks up her child that it needs to move more quickly as the other children in your care require 100% of your attention. Explain that there needs to be more effort put into the child's behaviour changes so she can fully benefit from your program. Any rudeness, or failure to comply with these and THAT'S when I'd be issuing the termination letter.

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