HELP!!! This kid is really getting to me... :(

[mom-in-alberta]

Hi everyone... I am new to this forum. Just joined looking for a place to connect with other home daycare providers.
I would like your advice/ opinions on a matter, please!!
I have been doing in-home childcare for just about a year now. The first couple of months, I had all older kids (ie. 3 1/2 and up). This worked out well, because my own older kids (9, 7 and 3) were all home for the summer. So they played well, for the most part. And it was easier to find activities that everyone enjoyed.
In the fall, I took in an entirely new group of families. I now have a wide age-variance; from 14 months up to age 9 1/2. Only 2 of those kids (siblings) are full time, Monday to Friday. My issue is with the oldest, a 5 yr old boy.
His parents are great. They pay on time, they are super understanding when I need flexibility, etc. I love his little sister, in fact I always say that I would take 4 or 5 more of her, haha. But....
He is constantly picking on my 3 1/2 year old daughter. It started out with him complaining that she hit him, or took something from him, etc. I began watching a little closer and it really seems to be instigated by him 99% of the time. Don't get me wrong, I know my little girl, she's no angel all the time!!!! But anyone who has been around the 2 of them has noticed the same thing, he goes after her intentionally. If she is playing with something, he wants it, if only to try to break or damage it. If she is playing on her own, he will bug her to play with him. Only though, if it's what he wants to play, and only for a few minutes until he gets mad at her and tells her to go away. He does things when my back is turned or I am busy with the other kids to make her cry. He just won't leave her alone!! It goes on and on.... He gets along fine with the other kids, for the most part. He is a little "intense"; he likes things a certain way, gets wound up fairly easily and has no concept of personal space!! I don't know why he chose her as a target. It's almost as though he is jealous. Of what, I don't know, because he is fairly "spoiled" with both attention and material goods.
I am having a very hard time dealing with this. We have discussed proper "friendship skills" again and again. I just don't want my daughter picking up bad habits (I have seen it begin!) or learning that this is how to play with someone. I also don't want her own self esteem to suffer.
So how do I get past this??? What do I do?

[mom-in-alberta]

PS... I am sorry that was such a long post, but I am just at my wits end!!
Really looking for some kind of guidance....

[playfelt]

You mentioned that there is a sibling in your daycare. Not sure of that child's age but the older boy could be acting out his feelings towards his sibling and taking it out on your daughter because she is an easier target. Does the older child have anyone his own age or is your daughter the next closest to him. How does he react when he complains about something and you call him on it with the idea of telling him exactly what you saw and reminding him that when you annoy someone else they don't always react nicely to being pestered. If he doesn't want to be hurt then he should keep his distance. Some might say it is the boy looking for some attention and using negative means to get it. Could be he is pushed to the back at home and wants to get noticed. You could try using the you are bigger, you know more, you need to take responsibility for helping others to learn too. Use your words to teach - not that he will do that when actions work so much better but worth a try. Basically it sounds like he is impulsive and might need to be given some stop, think, then act help. That means having him stop a few paces from the person such as your daughter that he wants to interact with, thinking about what he is going to say and then approaching her. It takes the impulsiveness out of it and sometimes prevents the hitting or other actions again because the stopping takes the heat out of the moment. Make sure there is an area that he can have some things meant for older kids that your daughter isn't allowed to use so he feels there is some sense of separation. It also gives you a place to send him to play when he gets too wound up and needs to play alone. As much as you love the sibling pair it might be worth thinking about the summer and suggesting he go to summer camps to be with kids his own age more if you think it is going to escalate over the summer.

Sharon

[Judy Trickett]

One, this is why I don't keep school-aged kids in care.

Two, if you can't get along with MY kids, in THEIR home then you go...period.

This is the home of MY kids. I think that they have to come first. Assuming your kids are not monsters themselves then it is really, really unfair to expect YOUR kids to spend time in THEIR home with a bully.

My kids come first. That's the way it is.

If it were me I would terminate this kid in a heartbeat even if it meant losing his golden sister.

[giraffe]

Yup what pp said.

You choose to stay home so that you could be at home with YOUR children. Your children did not choose to do home daycare, YOU did. If this child in anyway is affecting your child, then he should not be in your care. Terminate. You will be much happier.

[lilac]

I had the same situation, one of my very first families, sisters 5 and 7 and the 5 year old from day 1 was a complete bully to my daughter who wasnt quite 3 yet. After a week my daughter wouldnt even go play with any of the daycare kids. This 5 year old would lie to me to get her or my son in trouble, (eventually the other 5 year old stuck up for my daughter), would provoke my daugther if she was crying to keep her going, and when she thought I wasnt looking, did various other things to upset her (running at her or pretending she was gonig to hit her, sticking her tounge out and making faces at her). She was also extremely rude to me right off the bat and would get upset if she had to sit next to my daughter because she didnt want to sit next to a baby! Which of course upset my daughter to be called a baby. It broke my heart to see her treated this way in her own home by this child.

It lasted 2 weeks and I terminated her. I refused to have my own child bullied in her own home by this little girl. When I approached the parents (I put it as politely as I could, stating that there was a huge personality conflict and I had to think of the happieness of my own daugther), her mother freaked out on me, and then did not pay me at all for 2nd week I had her 2 children. She then proceeded to talk about me to several other families in the neighbourhood, including her new provider (whom I know). When her daughter sees me she refers to me as "The Babysitter Who Kicked Me Out"

Anyhow, long story short, I felt it was important to protect my daugther from this. I eventually found kids that my daughter loves to play with.

[lilac]

Oh yes, and I forgot to mention, I agree, if this child is affecting your child in a negative way, I would consider terminating....

[Marie999]

I think you need to start thinking about removing this child from your care. Your daughter should come first and be comfortable in her home. Let the parents know about the issues, maybe commit to a time period to try some new techniques but keep the time period short (and specific), if it isn't working you need to take action. Good luck!

[Rhonda]

I don't mean to steal this post. I am in a situation where I find a daycare family is spreading bad word of mouth about my business because I stayed true to my contract. How do you deal with negative word of mouth?

PS, I agree my children are my first priority my daycare business is my second priority. If my children were bullied by one of my daycare children, first I would try and work with the family but if the bullying continued even with the help of the parents then termination would follow.

[lilac]

I think its important to keep things professional, eventhough its tempting to defend yourself, it may just make things worse. In my situation, my thought was, this mom is going to talk anyways, I'll remain professional and respectful (even if she cant) and keep it between my family and hers. I'd rather people trust that I can keep things between them and I rather than worry about who I'm going to talk to about and to who. I'll admit though, its been hard to bite my tounge!!