Single mothers

[sunnydays]

I don't think this debate is anything more than a debtate...nothing worthy of removing the thread for! I htink this type of open discussion is very healthy and we need more of it in our society where everyone goes around thinking their own thoughts and not saying it for fear of offending...then we don't get the benefit of learning from others. I also found Cocoon's statements offensive, not because she decided this one woman may be a scammer and not because there are single mothers out there who are gold diggers...we all know these things exist, but it was offensive because it refers to singel mothers in general and the assumption is that they are all rich and their husbands are the victims. It goes both ways and I have known far more poor struggling single moms than the rich sort mentioned above. We all create our world view and assumptions from what we have experienced in our lives and who we have come into contact with etc...but I think we should ALL take the time to walk a mile in another man/woman's shoes and try to always see things from another perspective. I do think this is a healthy discussion to have and I am thankful to Cocoon for saying what she is thinking so that we can all talk about it. That is how stereotypes and discrimination gets broken down, not by forcing people to keep their thoughts to themselves so they never get the benefit of seeing things from another's perspective.

[daycarewhisperer]

I just wrote a status update on my Facebook about his at the end of July We had a pretty healthy discussion about it but here are my posts:

"I've been getting inquiries for the day care and nearly all of them begin with "Hi, I'm so and so and I'm a single mom". I always answer back. "Hi, I'm a single mom too". I can't figure out what the deal is of why the parent thinks it's important to add that at all to the email much less as the intro line. What does being a single parent have to do with hiring child care? I would imagine there are next to zero providers who would only take kids if the parents were married so it can't be to test you out to see if you allowed children who don't have two parents at home. What gives? I don't see what it has to do with child care other than it may change having two people drop or pick up instead of one. Other than that it doesn't really affect the child care relationship. Why would the mom think it was something I should know from first sentence on?"

"In nearly two decades of doing child care I've never expected my clients to offer additional fees to me because I'm a single parent. It makes me wonder what the single mothers expecting some financial discount for being single are doing to offer special and free to other single moms? Is it just to RECEIVE special or do they offer special to other single moms?"


"Where else would they be purchasing service or goods that would give them a discount for being a single parent? That's what I can't figure out. Where are they getting concessions in regular life because of being a single parent? I get that they may get free child care or qualify for insurance/food. I'm just wondering what they actually PAY for that is dicscounted for them being a single mom. I'm a single mom and I can't figure out where to get the discounts. LOL"

"I can see offering a military discount. I would do that for sure. I can't see offering a discount for something as common as being a single parent. With all the subsidies, health care, food stamps etc. out there for the poor, I think that as a society we are offering quite a bit from the go. To extend that to child care that's supported by us seems a huge stretch to me. With a military family, I can see offering a Vet a discount to honor their service to our country. I can't for the life of me figure out why special consideration should be considered for someone who is parenting by themselves. It's really common, it's not something that is earned, it's not something that draws sympathy or compassion that would extend to a monetary reward. I just don't get it."

My new policy is when given the info of "I'm a single mom" I respond with "I'm a single Mom too. We welcome families of all kinds... single dads, single moms, foster and adoptive parents, and married couples. We only limit clients if they are unable to pay the fee or unable to follow the policies. We do not disciminate regarding the parents marital status.

[Lou]

Oh, I'm not angry I'll be honest and say that I was miffed when I first read the post, but I completely understand that we all need a good vent once and awhile, and I know that Cocoon never intentionally meant to offend anyone. And just like she is entitled to her own opinion on the matter, I, too, am entitled to give my own opinions from my point of view. We all walk in different shoes and I think it's important to share our own personal stories to gain different perspectives.

[mimi]

I fully support Cocoon's right to express her opinion and of course she is entitled to it. I am just surprised she chose this forum to express her views. Many members of this forum are single Mom's, were single Mom's and unfortunately will be single Mom's Lets us as women support each other as I have discovered this is done extensively through this forum. This forum is a haven for many of us to speak with others who understand are work and delimmas best. Women unfortunately can be a woman's worst enemy. Every single Mom's story is different and if they could change their circumstance most would do so in a heart beat. That said I was a single mom for 11 years. Wether your relationship with your ex is great and he is still a great parent or your ex is an intermittant parent, being a single parent can be a very lonely and difficult experience. Lets not profile or judge each other.

[mamaof4]

when I was a single mom- I did offer that information to daycare providers really upfront, not because I wanted anything, more or less information.

[playfelt]

It is an important piece of information as far as daycare goes because it indicates less flexibility. There is no one else to share the drop offs and pickups so if they are late they are late.

That does not mean that it is the most important piece of info to be given in every transaction. Whether you are single, in a same sex relationship, married or living with your parents has nothing to do with whether you wish to purchase what is being offered for sale. The only reason to divulge such information is to garner sympathy in my opinion and that is what the OP was objecting to. I belong to our local freecycle group and no matter what I offer there is a flood of oh woe is me and my lot in life please give me what you have to offer cause I deserve it and I so dislike those pleas. I am the parent of a child with special needs and know that I could use that to get stuff I want to cause that kind of information does get people to at least consider me but I won't do it.

I think too that if the offer had been reasonable the information could have been useful rather than an excuse for bad manners. Offering someone that low a figure is like a single mom coming to us and saying I am single and can only pay $10 a day for my two kids and then being miffed when we send them on their way.

I get the sense from the posts that we are getting a few emotions and feelings mixed up. This was about selling something and someone trying to get it for a steal literally - maybe even to resell themselves for money which I have again seen from my freecycle group. OP has the right to be upset for the lady even bothering to take up her time.

[Crayola kiddies]

Yes playfelt I agree with you in the sense that this "single mother" felt an entitlement because of that status. I too see the ads on kijiji saying single mom looking for free clothes gap, carters, and children's place only Please and can you deliver it too . I just shake my head thinking my kids don't wear that stuff .... I think it was insulting offering $100 for a $450 item. As the OP said there are other less expensive Strollers available that would be within her budget. Does thus woman call the hydro company and say I'm a single mother so I can only pay half of the set price for each kwh ... No the price is the price .... Seriously I was a single mother at one point too but I didn't wear it on my head like a crown..... another thing I have noticed is young girls having children .... I know a pair of sisters whom within 15 months of each other moved in with their boyfriends got pregnant had the child and by the time the baby was three months old kicked out the dad and went on welfare ... Now these girls are second generation welfare users and know they get a ton of money from the government cause they are "single mothers". One of these girls is back with the dad but he doesn't live with her cause she doesn't want
to jepordize her money ...... One Facebook post by her sickened me .... It was nearing Christmas and her post said "was going to go Xmas shopping today but the government screwed me again they were supposed to change my marital status but didn't so I didn't get as much money as I was supposed to " ... I'm sorry this girl works full time and made the decision to have a child why does the government owe her ??????

Sorry rant over ;(

[Cocoon]

I was going to explain again for the ones who don't understand my post but changed my mind. I'm glad to see that most of us can understand where I'm coming from. And to the ladies who are offended by my post. I can only say you shouldn't IF you weren't the type of those "single moms" I personally wouldn't if I wasn't a manupulating, pity minded sempaty seeker single mom.

And regarding me looking at her Facebook. Darling, I did not invade her privacy it was there, open. It's not like I went my way to break her password and got on her Facebook account. And please, don't tell me that you don't look at other peoples Facebook. And to be honest, I'm glad I did, otherwise how would I know about this poor, helpless(sarcasm) single mom

Crayola, I have seen those ads too. It makes me wonder if there are people who help them. Give them what they want? Some people!

[Inspired by Reggio]

I.... And please, don't tell me that you don't look at other peoples Facebook!

I will be honest I do this with perspective clients before booking an interview ~ the minute I have an email address and full name I 'google them' to see what pops up and make sure they are indeed 'clients seeking care' and not some whacko trying to get info on when I am home or not home to rob me or whatever!

Plus well if their FB is public or any other info is public than I am free to use that information in my decision making process

As for using your parental status or employment status or what not to get 'deals' on things ~ everything comes back to FAMILY BUDGETING in life .... same with people who claim they cannot 'afford' childcare but drive a nice fancy car, have cellphones, tattoos, family vacations and other things they have figured out a way to 'budget for' and now have nothing left for 'childcare' .... IMO if you are truly 'poor' and in need of help you qualify for services through United Way and other agencies that are designed to HELP people who are truly in need!

I work hard for my family income, I budget carefully to afford the lifestyle we have and if I am asking $450 for a stroller that is because that is what I NEED to make selling it worth my while to meet my own family budget and if you cannot 'afford it' than look for a stroller withing your price range .... after all when I went looking for my van I did not go to the dealership and say 'hey I am a lowly home childcare provider who needs a brand new fully loaded van to transport my crew in safely but I cannot only afford to pay full price for it my budget is only $6000 so please give me a 'deal' cause I know you are rich and can afford to suck up the difference ... I bought a used van within my budget

[dodge__driver11]

I was a single mom too-meaning my husband and I were living apart, and still "dating"and engaged when I was pregnant and for the first year after my son was born.

We made choices so that our boy could have things, we wanted him to look cute as this would be our only baby....... I wasn't one to be embarassed or shamed because I shopped at Sally Anne or Vallue Village stores...even once upon a child...People would always ask me "Where'd you get that?" Id say where and the jaw would drop, and most often I'd be finger wagged and told... I'd never dress my child in that!( Meaning no second hand for them)

I never wore a sign on my forehead saying that was the case nor did I expect anything from anyone as a result. I dressed my boy nice, and in name brand clothes, but guess what they were given to me... or I had no problem going to value village or the clearance rack to find them...We could not afford daycare at the time so you know what we did?? We alternated shifts so one of us could be home, and guess what we did not have the latest gadgets, fancy things or whatever.....