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  1. #1
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    Crying when parents leave

    I have a little boy who has been with me for almost 6 months. Initially, he had TERRIBLE seperation anxiety. It took maybe a month, but slowly he got to a point where he would get here and he would shut the door on mom and dad. He still panicked a bit when they came to get him, afraid they would leave again, but he's been great. Mom is pregnant, due in October, I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

    Anyways, last week, in the mornings at drop off, he would freak out. Initially, I did what i usually do when he cries for no reason because I thought he just wanted attention because it had been so long since he'd done it. It wasn't until probably Thursday where I realized there was a problem. He did it again this morning.

    We've been having some napping issues, and frustrations, which is something I've talked to mom and dad about because it was their "fault" he wasn't napping properly. Anyways, different thing entirely, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it.

    I don't understand why he's doing it suddenly, and mom and dad tend to prolong saying goodbye because they feel bad. Normally, I would usher them out the door so as not to prolong the "suffering" but because this is a new thing and sort of came out of the blue, I let them take the additional time for cuddles. When they leave, he cries for about 5-10 minutes. I hold him for a bit but when I hold him when he's like that, and someone comes over to us and touches us, he flips out even more. So, after a few minutes, I'll put him on the couch and let him cry there while the rest of us carry on. Eventually, he gets up and goes to play like nothing happened.

    I don't know why he's doing it and I don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid that they will think there is something going on here. Any suggestions?

  2. #2
    Expansive... Play and Learn's Avatar
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    Usher the parents out ASAP - I had one little guy do that out of the blue as well to me. What I found was if either daddy or I said, daddy will be picking you up after nap. Remember, you'll see daddy after you wake up from your nap. It works wonders! And I have the TV on for him at drop-off, seems to work.
    Also works if my hubby is home, but that will change come Sept, cause he'll be back at work.

    Just leave him be, and he'll come around. I just grab the kid from the parents (away from the door), and let them cry until they're ready to join their friends.

  3. #3
    apples and bananas
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    I sometimes think that parents stay when their child cries because they feel responsible and would feel bad leaving the caregiver to deal with it. Maybe if you send an email out to mom identifiying that XXX is having a hard time lately and you understand it and are ok with it. It seems to make him more upset the more mom lingers so please come in, say goodbyes, tell him/her you'll be back later and out the door!

    I've had kids that were criers at first, got better and then suddenly out of no where started up again. Who knows why... but mom's tend to hang on longer as they think there's a problem. It's fairly normal from my experiance.

  4. #4
    Euphoric ! Dreamalittledream's Avatar
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    Yes, for me it's the most frustrating when the parent does linger. If I feel that the parent needs reassurance I often email pictures of them happily playing 5 minutes after that fact (which is usually the case!). This way, they don't have the guilt of dropping a screaming child for us to deal with and run.
    Children are great imitators.
    So give them something great to imitate.

    ~Anonymous~

  5. #5
    Euphoric ! Dreamalittledream's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littledragon View Post

    I don't know why he's doing it and I don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid that they will think there is something going on here. Any suggestions?
    Sorry, thought of something else...I tend to not prolong the cuddles when they are crying at separation time (I find it prolongs it); I give them a quick cuddle and sit them in our tent (quiet area/book nook) with a Teddy to snuggle & tell them that when they feel they are ready they can join us to play. And also wanted to add that you are so not alone in the paranoia that they will think something is going on when things like this happen; but have faith, the parents know their child (if the behaviour is happening at Daycare, it's probably happening any other time @ seperation too)...I too have a little girl (2 year old) that does this from time to time (when her arrival routine is interrupted...Daddy must take her shoes off, hold her hand down to the playroom...must be same exact thing each day).
    Children are great imitators.
    So give them something great to imitate.

    ~Anonymous~

  6. #6
    Euphoric !
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    Kids go through separation stages at about 9-10 months, when they are learning to walk so 12-13 months and then for some reason it often comes back around 16-18 months and then again at about 2 1/2. It almost seems like an every 9 month issue for some kids but when you think about it there is a pattern of development that goes along with it and periods of learning independence - crawling, walking, running, toileting are also fretful periods for some.

    Just be consistent and give empathy but sort of act like nothing has changed - as in reassure the child that life really is the same. Attempts to console are usually not well received and I think it is partly because the child doesn't know what is wrong with them either.

  7. #7
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    I would tell the parents that the time it takes for them to comfort him at drop off is the amount of time it's going to take for him to quit crying once they leave. So if they do ten minutes of cuddles you will get about ten minutes of cry time when he has to balance out the extra he got that he didn't need.

    Once the parents leave I would just have him sit and say "you cry". Don't put any emotions to it... just acknowledge that "you cry". Let him know it's all good and that you aren't going to do anything but let him express his little feelings. He has a right to express himself and he can sit right there and have at it.

    When he's done you say "nice job. go play toys".
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by daycarewhisperer View Post
    I would tell the parents that the time it takes for them to comfort him at drop off is the amount of time it's going to take for him to quit crying once they leave. So if they do ten minutes of cuddles you will get about ten minutes of cry time when he has to balance out the extra he got that he didn't need.

    Once the parents leave I would just have him sit and say "you cry". Don't put any emotions to it... just acknowledge that "you cry". Let him know it's all good and that you aren't going to do anything but let him express his little feelings. He has a right to express himself and he can sit right there and have at it.

    When he's done you say "nice job. go play toys".
    You're totally right too! Yesterday, they stayed with him for almost 10 minutes, passing him back and forth and cuddling. It took him a WHILE to settle down. Today, he started clinging, but luckily only mom had come to the door. I said "It's okay ***, we're going to do this quick quick." I said it to the child, but mom knew I meant her. She hugged him again, and as she handed him to me, she said "he stops this almost immediately, right?" I felt bad. I know I couldn't do it if it was my child. But today, I held him (usually I put him right down, but I thought today I would try something different). I put him on my lap, facing me, and within 2 minutes, he'd stopped crying. Then i turned him around for maybe a minute and then put him down. Worked well! But mom only cuddled him for like 2 minutes, so it makes sence! Works for me!

  9. #9
    apples and bananas
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    I have an 19 month old that started today out of no where! She took 3 weeks of constant crying and running to the door when she started with me, but since then she's been great! comes right to me with smiles. Today though... didn't want to leave mom. And sat at the door and cried for the first 1/2 hour of care. So strange. She's been cranky on and off all morning... maybe not enough sleep.

    I let them cry it out. I just kept telling her that she's alright and we're going to go play now. She would stop crying long enough for me to look at her and then start again. The little rascal! It was all about attention. So, I went to the play room and waited for her to join us. She eventually did.

  10. #10
    Euphoric !
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    Oh yes, I believe in cry it out. It doesn't hurt them as long as they are monitored and know that you are there for them but they won't get a hug or any attention until they are done with their crap. I have a 4 1/2 year old boy who was sitting out this morning until he stopped crying about everything. Come on JK, ooops, sorry!

    Anyway, he has gone through all of these dramatic Oscar winning phases with his Mom at the door and dropoff for over 3 years. I have tried everything but his Mom buys into his nonsense way too much. I know she tries really hard to be tough with him and I know she's listened to all my advice about everything, but there were many days when she had to leave him here having a full blown tantrum. I always told her not to worry because it would be short lived once she was out the door. Then he was always fine for the entire day.

    But as Moms ourselves, we know that it's really difficult and heartbreaking to leave your child in that condition and go off to work without feeling completely stressed. We have to make sure the parents trust us completely and have all the confidence in the world that we will care for their child and help them learn to deal with the separation anxiety and we have to comfort the parent and the child. Sometimes I've sent a quick email to this boys Mom telling her he's fine and not to worry about a thing and have a good day. It's my way of taking care of the child and the Mom too. I was that Mom, so I know how she's feeling. I worked outside the home when my children were small.

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