Hands Down pants!!!!!!!!!!?

[Inspired by Reggio]

Ok this is still bugging me about how something we say can have such a HUGE impact on the course of a child's life .... so I am coming back to add something more personal to help others understand why I am so passionate about the great power that we wield with children and how we need to make sure we are CAREFUL in what we say to them and what messages we send and that we are not passing on our own 'baggage' about sexuality to them!

There is much of my childhood I have 'blacked out' because it was not good but there are some thing that are just stuck there as nightmares no matter how hard I tried to block them out .... like when I was about 5 I remember being at the babysitters after school and her son who was about 7 was there and remember we were playing in the basement 'unsupervised' and well we were at that curious age and Michael had started a conversation with a sort of 'dare' to it about 'if you show me yours I will show you mine' ... and I remember his mother coming downstairs just as we were each pulling down our pants and just LOOSING it on us .... she spanked us both hard on our little naked bums for being dirty naughty disgusting children (she said a whole bunch of other stuff in her shock and anger but those were the words that I remembered) and she went on about that is not something good children do, we had to stand in the corner for what felt like ever afterward while the other kids in the house walked by and she would tell them 'they are dirty naughty children' and than she told my dad when he came to pick me up that I was a dirty little girl and he better 'fix me' because if I was going to do stuff like that I would not be able to come to her house after school and so he took me home and 'fixed me' by spanking me with a belt until my bum bled for having shown my private area to a boy and being a dirty girl ... I can still almost 40 years later remember the SHAME that I felt in those moment about being 'curious' about body parts and how they were 'different' ~ a very NATURAL thing for children to notice and do just like they compare who has blue eyes or brown and so forth!

The shame ran so deep that I would not even look at myself 'naked' after that let alone let anyone see me naked I wore underwear into the bathtub 'just in case' someone came into the bathroom ... and 6 years later when I was molested by an extended family member all those messages came back and I felt it was my 'dirty naughty fault' again that there must be something 'wrong' with me and I did not tell a soul at the time .... when I was raped and sodomized by a friends father at 14 when I was over for a sleepover ~ I did not tell a soul because it built on all those other messages starting with that ONE message ~ I was a dirty naughty girl and deserved these things to happen to me and instead of telling someone what had happened I first turned to drugs and alcohol to try to 'forget it' and than when that did not work run away from home so I did not have to deal with my dad finding out and blaming me again or having to risk having it happen to me again if I had to stay at that friends house again!

All of these things starting with that ONE curious moment shaped my sexuality as I grew into an adult, it planted seeds of thinking of sex as something dirty and horrible and that 'good people' do not do ... and from the age of 18 ~ 25 I spent years in therapy learning to come to terms with all those messages and how deeply they affected me ~ to the point that when at 18 I found out I had stage 4 endometiousis already I felt I deserved it that this was my 'punishment' because I was a 'dirty girl' and even my hostile womb knew it ~ no child would ever grow in there because of the 'naughty things' I had done to it! It took me years of extensive therapy to come to terms with my sexuality in a healthy manner and learn to trust men again and learn how to have a healthy sexual relationship with anyone including learning to 'love' myself!

Now I have no way of knowing if the first incident had been 'handled better' by the adults in my life if it would have changed the course of my life ... cause who knows maybe if I was more confident and informed about 'sexuality' I would not have been easy prey for my family member who molested me because I would have been empowered to say 'no that is not a healthy touch' or maybe I would not have been prey to a drunk man at a sleepover .... but I do know that the way it was handled and the message it sent certainly did not HELP to provide me the skills and resources I needed to cope with my sexuality and natural curiosity moving forward in life that's for sure!

What I also know is that as 'uncomfortable' as it makes me feel to see or hear a child doing this ... specially with my own childhood baggage about 'dirtiness' still engrained in me .... I make sure that the only message I send them is 'if you want/need to do that you have to make sure your hands are washed and that you choose a private place to do it' ... and trust me I have a child who went through chronic masturbation starting at around 2 in my program who went through a phase where whenever she got 'bored' this was her go to thing to do no matter WHERE she was and her parents I had to work hard to try to help her understand there was a 'time and a place' for this sort of thing ... she still does it during 'quiet time' to help herself fall asleep.

[kidlove]

I guess I was more interested in things I can do or have her do to keep from putting her hands into her pants, i.e. was thinking of some sort of pocketed thing that will keep her hands warm and give her that same "safe" feeling that I think she is getting from having her hand where she puts it now. or another idea anyone may have used or thought up to deal with a situation like this.

[Inspired by Reggio]

For those who would like 'medical research' around how NORMAL this is

http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/masturb.htm

How do children learn about masturbation?
No one has to teach a child to explore his or her genitals. It provides a feeling of pleasure, that once discovered, the child will most likely repeat. There have even been studies of prenatal ultrasounds revealing male fetuses doing it.

Most often, however, boys find their penises accidentally, possibly during a diaper change around six to seven months of age and become curious (just like their fascination with other parts of their bodies, such as fingers, toes and ears). Some child psychologists think that boys who have seen a naked girl may be fearful that they could lose their penis and end up looking like the girl. However, no one can be sure of what these toddlers are thinking.

Girls often don’t discover their vulva (female external genitalia) until about ten to eleven months of age. They may even insert objects into their vaginas as a matter of curiosity—much like the beans and small toys children of this age like to put into their noses and ears.

Genital play in both sexes can also take the form of rubbing with hands or rubbing against other objects such as a pillow, stuffed animal or the bed. Often the child will be found staring, flushed, with an absent look on their faces, breathing fast or irregularly while masturbating. The behavior generally increases with boredom, sleepiness or stress in the child’s life. It is important to remember that children do not generally associate this activity with sexuality or adult relationships until much later in childhood, more toward puberty. This is reassuring to some parents who are alarmed by their child’s behavior. Genital play is often used simply as a form of self-comfort.

You can google and find LOTS of resources on how to promote healthy sexuality with your own children as well as how to handle it in an 'education' setting when you are not the primary caregiver to the child .... like anything in our field it is our job to educate ourselves on normal child development and make sure we are engaged in best practice with the children we are caring for .... everything we need to know is available with a little reading and life long learning!

[kidlove]

Play and learn: i do understand that some children will explore these areas due to a sensation of such nature, but I DO think she just has a comfy place to put her hand, it it ussually placed in the front of her diaper not to her "private" area.........this is getting a little misconstrued, my concern is: how to give her something else to do rather than place her hand on her "lower abdomine" IN HER DIAPER, where it is dirty.

[jec]

At that age there is nothing sexual about it- however like play and learn said it feels good to them and they are exploring their own body.
I can understand why you wouldn't want her hand down her diaper for reasons of her getting them dirty from either urine or a bowel movement and I would discuss with the parents a way that you can handle it. Explaining that although it's normal for them to explore their bodies, with a diaper on and possibly putting her hand in pee or poo- it has to be addressed.
Good luck! I think the only thing you can do is be consistant in what ever you decide to do.

[daycarewhisperer]

I have to disagree that this is normal. I've been caring for kids for 32 years and I've never seen it. My suggestion is to stop talking about it and start blocking it. Put her in a pair of backwards footed pajamas every day all day long until she learns to cope without doing it. If she wears a size three pajamas then buy her a pair of size four. Put them on her backwards where the zipper is up the back. Just rotate the feet forward and zip them up. The one size up will give you the extra material you need to rotate the feet forward. She needs TIME where every day she can get thru the day without comforting herself THAT way. My rule of thumb is that if it bugs me it's not okay. I trust my gut and I don't like ANY kind of fixation so I don't do fixation behavior. I don't like it so I block it. I don't really put any energy into whether it's normal or not. I go by how it makes ME feel. If it tweaks my sensibilities then I know to stop it. Trust your gut.

[kidlove]

Reggio: so sorry those things had to happen to you. Just typing the words can't relay to you my sincerest and deapest sorrow for you as a child and young adult to dp through those things. No human should have to experience any of those things and I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I had never posted this question, it really was a very basic question on some things I could show her to do rather than to put her hand in her diaper. I by no means treat her "with severe negative responses" I do however respond to seeing her hand in her diaper as a icky place to put her hands. I also dont feel it is my job to teach ANY child about the "birds and the bees" if I EVER have a situation which needs adult addressing I talk to the parent in private and leave it at that. ( I have had to inform the children before, that what they do at home may not be okay to do at my house, and that falls under the dont do at my house list) I have had to talk to a group of youngsters who all decided to kiss (on cheeks) in the play house, I had a little one putting her socks down her undies durring nap time, I have had a 7 yr old hide behind my couch with her hand in her undies, I have had another little girl inform the rest of the kids she was molested by her brother, I also had a 6 yr old tell another child that she had sex with her boyfriend. These are all things that I have taken in stride and taken a deep breath.......and given to the parents. I did make the playhouse off limits after the kissing, I did ask the 7 year old to please wash her hands, and save it for home. I did call child protective services with the molested girl (after informing the parents) I did talk to the young girl (with the socks) mother re: her new place to hide her socks. I would NEVER treat a child like they were a terrible person, or ridicule them to "personal disgust". I am a very pro-active parent with my own children, we have the safe touch talks and explain to them if they ever feel uncomfortable with any other person re: touch or talk, they can do whatever is nec. to help themselves get out of that sit. this is why sleepovers are VERY few and far between and ONLY with people we know well and trust and even then......we still watch and ask. We are the kind of parents who trust NO ONE. the good Lord gave us one child to protect and save from harm and all it takes is 1 second to ruine a child. I feel so deeply for you reggio, and hope you will continue to heal. God does nothing by accident, you are beautiful to him, scarred or unscarred barren or with child. You clearly do a great job with the children you care for and am sure you are a blessing to all of them. Not to mention I am a firm believer in learning from your experiences, perhaps you will save a child from the very same thing that happened to you....if you havent already. God bless you Reggio you have strength most people may never know.

[kidlove]

daycarewhisperer: thankyou so much for your post reply, that is the exact response I was looking for and a great idea to boot. Although I do understand what the others are saying re: exploring your body is a natural experience all people try at one point or another, my view is right there with you. there is something un-nerving about knowing a child is doing something I am not comfortable with in my home behind a closed door. If the parent lets it happen at home thats fine but I have set standards and feel its only right to stick to how it makes me feel. (not to mention the parent agrees with me on this one and would like very much to work together to give this child a better choice of comfort) she does wear the zip up sleeper and sometimes the parents will pin it at the top so she cant unzip, if they dont she unzips and goes for it. The mother and i both agree (as you said) that if we can break the habit, (block her) for a period of time the habit will break. I will def try the zipper backwards, great idea. not to mention the weather IS getting cooler, def wont hurt to have that warm pj on. thanks so much.

[kidlove]

Thanks jec for your response, I will try daycarewhisperer's idea of the zipper footie pj's on backwards. thats a good idea.

[jec]

Thanks jec for your response, I will try daycarewhisperer's idea of the zipper footie pj's on backwards. thats a good idea.

We can all go back and forth on what is normal or not. I would still discuss with the parents if you feel it's something that is a concern. Good luck