"daddy hit me"

[gcj]

So one of my little guys who's 2 has been saying all morning that daddy hit him hard hard hard. He talks enough that I was able to get the story and he said he was in bed (or supposed to be and got up and daddy got mad and hit him hard hard hard.
What am I supposed to do with this info? He said he's never hit him before... I feel uncomfortable.

[Dreamalittledream]

Hmmm that's a tough one. Geez, it's like even if you talk to Mom are you getting the child in more trouble for 'telling'? Would social services act without visual marks/bruises? It's really got me thinking what would I do? For sure make the child feel safe and praised for sharing the information; which I know you did as well.

[Dreamalittledream]

I also wanted to add...is our liability to report anything suspicious as caregivers (by law?).

[gcj]

I don't know. I mean I certainly don't think he's an "abused" child. I know the family well (or thought I did!) and I'm sure it was a one-time thing, maybe dad was frustrated that he wouldn't sleep....I know he's not very patient with the kids from what mom has said previously, but under no circumstances do I think it's ok to punish in that way....
I think I do want to tell mom...like maybe say the child said it's ok to hit because daddy hit him....???? Bring it to her attention that way. I just don't know...

[playfelt]

My feeling is to let it go but document what the child said with date.

Regardless of what our feelings are it is legal for a parent to spank their own non-compliant child and that is exactly what the child described. There are not a lot of options for disciplining a two year old that won't stay in bed. Parent fatique comes into play as well as this may have been the third night in a row the child put up the fuss so therefore the need for discipline had also escolated. Chances are the child will also think twice the next time he is threatened to lay down or face the consequences meaning it won't be repeated very often. Also hard to a child is hard to determine since a poke is light and a slap is hard and degrees in between are foggy.

Yes we are required to report cases of suspected abuse but I do not see that this is one unless the child reports the same story over and over or you see the remains of visible marks on the child. As I said spanking is legal.

If you feel the need to deal with the issue then I would mention it either to the father or the mother by simply saying what the child relayed to you - do not indicate that you questioned the child to get the extra information. Let on the child simply told you. Your purpose then in telling them is to let them know that the child is likely to say things, that you will be required by law to take the child's interpretation into consideration and that what might be best in the future is for the parents to be honest with you when things like this occur so that you can be prepared for when the child starts talking.

The reality is they are not going to tell you but you have put them on notice that you are watching and listening carefully and maybe it will make them think twice next time.

I know I am old fashion and attitudes have changed but my kids would have gotten a spanking - hard enough to know I meant business but not hard enough to do damage - for repeatedly disobeying the command to go to bed. But done once it rarely needed to be repeated for weeks on end cause a threat was all it took to get compliance - kids slept, parents got to sleep, everyone woke up happy, rested and ready to tackle the day and I don't regret that style of parenting but like I said times were different back then and this was the norm.

[kidlove]

My liability is to report anything "suspicious" however....please keep in mind, kids "stories" can seem alarming sometimes, when in fact they are not. Maybe these parents "spank" and maybe he had been up many times through the night with verbal warnings going "un-aknowledged". In my area we are resposible to report abuse and neglect (not sure if this really is though) however, I also feel it is best to go to the parent first. Do you have any reason to feel this father could be abusive? or do you think he's just "old school", "hard,hard,hard" could just be because his Dad has never spanked him before and it seemed hard. either way, if their are no marks...I'd give some time and observation along with more convo's (loosely based) with this little boy. Don't forget, let him talk, don't talk for him. Never say things like "does Daddy Hit you" then you put the idea in his head, "oh , yes..daddy hits me" when he very well may not.
Some people do "spank" as punishment, and it's not considered abuse by some. By others it is.

[gcj]

I do not think that his father is abusive. I think he got a spanking. It was probably hard enough to hurt, but left no marks. I would not consider reporting this. I only question if I should bring it up with mom or let it go for this time.
I know some people spank. I just find it hard to teach a 2 year old that hitting is wrong...that's not how we solve problems when the people they look up to solve problems through hitting. But, for now he's a good little boy and I have to presume that this was an isolated incident. I just don't like it.

[kidlove]

Dont forget gcj: along with MANY other "ways" of raising children, some people "spank" as a form of punishment when raising their children. Unless you bring this up at "first meeting" and rule out, parents who raise their kids "different" from your beliefs, you do have to "put up" with it. I guess you don't have to "like" it, but you do have to respect their choice of child rearing or you will have problems in the future. Could you handle witnessing one of your parents spanking their child? If you can't handle it or don't agree with it...you may want to reconsider taking care of that child. What will you do or how will you feel if later on the parents threatens poor behavior with a "spanking" when they get home? Are you going to worry sick about the child all night? Just a thought.
When meeting parents for the first time that is a BIG question. "Do you spank your child or will you consider spanking when your child is old enough?" I feel you should attempt to keep "like minded" parents (as yourself) in you Day Care. Less problems in the future.

[gcj]

Great point kidlove! I always screen parents and always end up with parents who raise their kids according to similar values as myself, as I still feel this family does besides this! I've never out and out asked, but it's sure is something to consider in the future, because I would absolutely have a problem with that and I would NOT take on a family who does that on a regular basis.
Just bring up some great food for thought.
I consider this family to be friends through daycare. We weren't before, but have a very close relationship. I'm closed in the summers and we usually get together for a BBQ...not overly close to blur any lines, but still close. I had their older daughter from baby to school as well. So, it's not like "omg...what have I done?!?"
I'm going to let it go, but record it in case of future "problems", which I don't anticipate.

[Mamma_Mia]

Personally if you don't suspect abuse then leave it alone. You don't know if it was the 40th time dad had said stay in bed and go to sleep!

You know IMO if a lot more people did things the "old" ways the new generation wouldn't be spoiled, have.it.handed.to.me , i.deserve."it"....at titudes!

Now....leaving many bruises or marks etc. THEN I'd place a call for sure.Spanking is one thing...abuse is another.