Why do I find it so hard to "crack down" on parents?

[Monday 2 Friday Mama]

I think that it is a gradual process. When I first started daycare, I made sure my interview package was awesome, and yes, many of my policies are still the same. But I didn't take myself seriously. I didn't think I would ever need to use my late fee policy, because I thought all parents would rush to pick up their kids after they were in care from 7:00-5:30. Not always the case. I didn't think people would send their kids sick. They did! Surely, people would not knock and wake up my kid and try to come earlier than their scheduled drop off. Sure did. It was infuriating, and most of the times I let these kids in care, I was mad at myself for not standing up for myself and the kid. Now that I have been at this a little longer, I can see those experiences for what they were: learning experiences. It is never easy to "walk the walk". When I re-opened after a move and my mat leave, I ended up terminating two families that did not work. One was an immediate termination. And yes, both times I stressed and stressed before making the final decision and having a very difficult conversation, but ultimately I just kept telling myself that these families do what is best for them all the time - I need to do what is best for MY family. And what is best for my family is a Mom that is not stressed because people are taking advantage of her good nature. I still hate confrontation. I try to get most of it over with in the interview. Now I have a two interview process. I have the 1st interview and that lasts about an hour. If I like them, I give them the parent handbook and my list of references. And then we both take 24 hours to think about things. I don't sign people right away anymore. If I have a bad feeling, I don't sign them. The second interview, they must have read the handbook and then we go over the contract together so there are no surprises and they can ask questions so there is no confusion on any policies. If they are at all difficult during this interview, I just say it will not work out after all. I find doing it this way reduces the amount of difficult conversations I have to have once care has started. Once you give in once, it sort of sets a precedent and it is a slippery slope. I make sure to charge my late fee now even if they are a few minutes late without phone call. I don't unlock my door until opening time. I have turned sick kids away and phoned to pick them up right away. Once I started enforcing my contract, and had compatible parents in care, it gets easier. I know how it feels though. The first time you stand up for yourself is always the hardest. I wish you so much luck, because you DO deserve fair treatment and you will feel miles better once the people treating you badly are treating you better or out of your life altogether.

Well said ! I agree with your statement about the early "mistakes" we all make being learning experiences. Dont be too hard on yourself - it's always hard to have difficult conversations with people. Have you ever considered taking a course on assertiveness training or how to have difficult conversations ? My husband took a training seminar through work entitled "How to work with difficult people" and I learned a lot picking his brain after the fact. See if you can read some books that give you concrete strategies for managing these kind of people and situations - you need these skills to work in this field. =) (and keep your receipts - this is a business expense - you can write it all off on your taxes)

[Momof4]

Haha, nope, I don't let a problem fester and drive me crazy, I tell the parents about the issues with the children daily. That way if it's an ongoing problem and they have heard it come out of my mouth a hundred times they know why I'm reaching the end of my rope. I've had parents really start to help me with a problem with their child after I have said the same thing over and over and they see my exhaustion and frustration. I'm one of those people who says exactly what I mean and what I'm thinking shows on my face. So when the parents say something so upsetting to me they can see that I'm upset. I'm honest, straightforward and my clients respect me for that. There is no hidden agenda or sarcasm or subtle hints. My words verbally and written are my thoughts.

To tell you the truth, I had horrible problems in my first year, but I implemented my contract and learned to be tough about it and now any time I have an issue arise I simply say 'according to our contract that you signed and read ............' I just had a Mom who had to be told to reread the toilet training part, but otherwise I haven't had problems in years with payment or anything to do with breaking my rules. I did get mad at a Dad who announced he was going to use 1/2 an hour extra a day for a while without ASKING me, but he stopped, because as I said, my face shows what I think and my face said 'WHAT?'.

[mimi]

I think most of us give good honest advice we would follow ourselves. We can freely state our respectful opinions so why would we bullsh!t a fellow provider. I don't believe we have to take a course in "nasty" to stand up for our policies and I think most would agree with that. If someone in this forum in always advocating the do or die approach, I am sure most of us would recognize that we should take the advice less seriously.

[Littledragon]

Haha! I am a little scardy cat when it comes to being assertive. But I know that it all comes down to inseurity. I am afraid of what they will think of me if I am assertive and stand my ground. I'm afraid they won't like me and will find another daycare. I am even more afraid now than I was after psycho mom. But I am also aware of just how serious it is to HAVE to be assertive. I generally take the "easy way out" and send home letter than do a face to face. And there are times that I let some of my families get away with things. Like tonight, my oldest kid's dad was 10 minutes later picking him up. But dad doesn't usually do pick ups and it was the very first time in 2 months so I didn't even give a warning. I KNOW they won't try to take advantage. But there are issues I also KNOW i can't let one of my other family's get away with. And honestly, I had the HARDEST time with them. They both have social issues - awkward and kind of weird, and I felt kind of intimiated by them, maybe cause they were my first family and we're very close in age so I know mom sees me as more of a peer, but I found that the more I cracked down, the more they respected me and took me seriously.

It's SO hard to "crack down" and I can tell you have a pretty big heart, so something like this would probably be really difficult to do. It's funny. We're with children all day long so we obviously have a much softer side than most people, but then we're expected to be assertive and "bossy" with the parents.

But you need to do it for you. If you feel you're being taken advantage of, you need to make a stand. Do it in a letter. I always say I do it in letters so that I can keep a written record in their file, but really, it's so I can avoid confrontation lol

[Momof4]

Oh, I forgot to answer that part of the question too. Thanks Littledragon. I terminated 2 families in my first year and had one family take off without notice or payment, urgh!

So I learned to be really picky about the families I accepted into care but that came with my confidence in my abilities and my program and learning to run a great interview and read 'red flags'. And in the past 4 years I haven't had any issues.

[mimi]

I gage each parent seperately as to how I approach them. Most are very agreeable and understanding however I have a mom who is very nice but very defensive. No matter how you phrase something she hears a critisium (sp) and gives a defensive answer. I tread carefully with her and gently stand my ground with my policys. I have only had to terminate one family and it was after putting up with alot of policy infractions that I finally said enough. I still felt bad doing it as I loved the child.

[Mamma_Mia]

I too do what I say.....but not as HARSH I'd have no clients left if I said what I really WANTED to say!

I have to word it in more of a 'suggestion' sometimes and time it right too. Like they say you get more with sugar then vinegar (I think). Do I like doing it? NO I get all nervous lol but at the end of the day it has to be my way for me to from going crazy and continue doing my job.

I've termed two families so far...one was a nut job mother and another signed a contract for 2 days a week...then it started changing the days (tues-wed to mon, wed or thurs, fri) and it was too much work to change up my routine constantly. Then they went down to only one day a week....I don't offer drop in care so I asked them to honnor the contract. They said they couldn't commit to it so I said good bye.

[Momof4]

Mamma Mia, you made a good point. If you tell the parents NICELY exactly what has to change and ask them for help and have discussions with them to explain that it's for their child's benefit to make a good start in life they will be very receptive. I never lecture parents but always let them know that it's their child that needs our help to learn good behaviour and I'm ready to do the work to help them. I have a good relationship with all my clients because of this and that makes for happy days for all.

[fruitloop]

Mamma Mia, you made a good point. If you tell the parents NICELY exactly what has to change and ask them for help and have discussions with them to explain that it's for their child's benefit to make a good start in life they will be very receptive. I never lecture parents but always let them know that it's their child that needs our help to learn good behaviour and I'm ready to do the work to help them. I have a good relationship with all my clients because of this and that makes for happy days for all.

This doesn't always work. I'm not mean when I talk to parents. I actually hate confrontation...A LOT...but I've learnt that I have to be assertive and stand my ground. I offer help, even go as far as researching and printing things off for parents to help them with things. I offer suggestions and research different strategies to work with a child to help their behaviour. BUT, you can only do that for so long before you have to do what's best for you and your group, ya know? I don't terminate over small things that can be worked on. I terminate over bigger things and things that just can't be changed even though I've tried my hardest. Hell, I worked with a child for almost 10 months to correct things but without the support of the parents, it's a loss cause and in this case, the parents were the ones who went else where instead of trying to work with me.

So, this is not always the case

Kidlove, I'm by no means a hard ass and I will try to work with a family in the case of a child's behaviour BUT I do stand by my policies and enforce them. After all, they're there for a reason right?

[sunnydays]

I've termed one family in my year and a half and I am no longer afraid to do it again if need be...although I certainly didn't enjoy it! But I do think speaking respectfully with parents can often lead to solutions being found without having to terminate...sometime s however it is just not possible to work with people.