Why do I find it so hard to "crack down" on parents?

[mimi]

I think most of us give good honest advice we would follow ourselves. We can freely state our respectful opinions so why would we bullsh!t a fellow provider. I don't believe we have to take a course in "nasty" to stand up for our policies and I think most would agree with that. If someone in this forum in always advocating the do or die approach, I am sure most of us would recognize that we should take the advice less seriously.

[Littledragon]

Haha! I am a little scardy cat when it comes to being assertive. But I know that it all comes down to inseurity. I am afraid of what they will think of me if I am assertive and stand my ground. I'm afraid they won't like me and will find another daycare. I am even more afraid now than I was after psycho mom. But I am also aware of just how serious it is to HAVE to be assertive. I generally take the "easy way out" and send home letter than do a face to face. And there are times that I let some of my families get away with things. Like tonight, my oldest kid's dad was 10 minutes later picking him up. But dad doesn't usually do pick ups and it was the very first time in 2 months so I didn't even give a warning. I KNOW they won't try to take advantage. But there are issues I also KNOW i can't let one of my other family's get away with. And honestly, I had the HARDEST time with them. They both have social issues - awkward and kind of weird, and I felt kind of intimiated by them, maybe cause they were my first family and we're very close in age so I know mom sees me as more of a peer, but I found that the more I cracked down, the more they respected me and took me seriously.

It's SO hard to "crack down" and I can tell you have a pretty big heart, so something like this would probably be really difficult to do. It's funny. We're with children all day long so we obviously have a much softer side than most people, but then we're expected to be assertive and "bossy" with the parents.

But you need to do it for you. If you feel you're being taken advantage of, you need to make a stand. Do it in a letter. I always say I do it in letters so that I can keep a written record in their file, but really, it's so I can avoid confrontation lol

[Littledragon]

Thanks for verifying my "confusion" Sunnydays. It is just sooooo much easier to say..."I would terminate immediately" or "not at my house", how many of you REALLY follow through on your talk?

How many families have you terminated in how many years? Answer if you dare.

I'll go first. I can remember 3 in ten years. I have had almost 50 families through my door. NEXT!...

I really should read all these BEFORE answering the initial one lol I have terminated ONE and...and we all know why...and I have WANTED - at one point or another - to terminate three (I've only have 5 families in and out lol). I feel the same way about people saying they terminate. Sometimes, I find some people seem really "hard" but I think it comes with the territory. I think that the longer you're doing this, the "harder" you become and the less you're likely to "put up with". But I honestly think, that given the opportunity EVERYONE would rather work on it then terminate. i think we all jump to terminations because in words it sounds like it's not working, but we're not living it. It's hard to actually DO. But if anyone every came on here and started going on about a psycho mom, then i would say TERMINATE hahaha but I have had my fair share of crazies, and parents that seem to "mock" but the more I "crack down" the better they become.
I started a daycare because I was a nanny before and I was tired of being treated as a second class citizen. Thus, I am a little more senstive when people try to take advantage of me and my rules. And I think we're ALL daycare providers because we ALL have a certain level of control issues. So then we want to make sure people are always following our rules. But like Reggio says (where is she anyways), it's a two way street and one respect deserves another respect. If we want them to respect us and not treat us like second class citizens, then we must do the same with them and be as patient as humanly possible

Sorry. I'm such a ranter!

[Momof4]

Oh, I forgot to answer that part of the question too. Thanks Littledragon. I terminated 2 families in my first year and had one family take off without notice or payment, urgh!

So I learned to be really picky about the families I accepted into care but that came with my confidence in my abilities and my program and learning to run a great interview and read 'red flags'. And in the past 4 years I haven't had any issues.

[mimi]

I gage each parent seperately as to how I approach them. Most are very agreeable and understanding however I have a mom who is very nice but very defensive. No matter how you phrase something she hears a critisium (sp) and gives a defensive answer. I tread carefully with her and gently stand my ground with my policys. I have only had to terminate one family and it was after putting up with alot of policy infractions that I finally said enough. I still felt bad doing it as I loved the child.

[Mamma_Mia]

I too do what I say.....but not as HARSH I'd have no clients left if I said what I really WANTED to say!

I have to word it in more of a 'suggestion' sometimes and time it right too. Like they say you get more with sugar then vinegar (I think). Do I like doing it? NO I get all nervous lol but at the end of the day it has to be my way for me to from going crazy and continue doing my job.

I've termed two families so far...one was a nut job mother and another signed a contract for 2 days a week...then it started changing the days (tues-wed to mon, wed or thurs, fri) and it was too much work to change up my routine constantly. Then they went down to only one day a week....I don't offer drop in care so I asked them to honnor the contract. They said they couldn't commit to it so I said good bye.

[Momof4]

Mamma Mia, you made a good point. If you tell the parents NICELY exactly what has to change and ask them for help and have discussions with them to explain that it's for their child's benefit to make a good start in life they will be very receptive. I never lecture parents but always let them know that it's their child that needs our help to learn good behaviour and I'm ready to do the work to help them. I have a good relationship with all my clients because of this and that makes for happy days for all.

[sunnydays]

I've termed one family in my year and a half and I am no longer afraid to do it again if need be...although I certainly didn't enjoy it! But I do think speaking respectfully with parents can often lead to solutions being found without having to terminate...sometime s however it is just not possible to work with people.

[kidlove]

Thanks everyone for your responses, I sometimes view the majority of you as "harder than me" thinking "maybe I need to be more firm on my families?" but, after reading your responses, there are really only a few of you who seem to be "hard-core" Follow my Rules or Hit the Road! kind of ladies, the rest of you seem more like me, "work it out for the betterment" before terminating. I always address issues when need be, with a quick comment or universal letter to all. I do prefer to "terminate" on a last resort basis. I see eye to eye with cfred, and littledragon on the "hating confrontation" and have to say: I totally agree with Mamma-mia, I too "want to say" what I wouldn't dare have come out of my mouth. (that's what I come here for or go to my poor Husband about!!!! So I don't "spew" how I really feel...otherwise, I'd lose all my families because at one time or another, I could have really said some BAD things to all of them (sure they could say some crazy stuff to me too) thank God for "self control"
Even though I have only terminated 3, I have had many more "leave" by choice, "if the going got tough" (sometimes we didnt see eye to eye, or had MANY talks regarding not following contract or child/parent behavior) they made the choice for me...thats always the best, that way...you get rid of the "fruit cake and don't look like the "bad-guy".

[fruitloop]

Mamma Mia, you made a good point. If you tell the parents NICELY exactly what has to change and ask them for help and have discussions with them to explain that it's for their child's benefit to make a good start in life they will be very receptive. I never lecture parents but always let them know that it's their child that needs our help to learn good behaviour and I'm ready to do the work to help them. I have a good relationship with all my clients because of this and that makes for happy days for all.

This doesn't always work. I'm not mean when I talk to parents. I actually hate confrontation...A LOT...but I've learnt that I have to be assertive and stand my ground. I offer help, even go as far as researching and printing things off for parents to help them with things. I offer suggestions and research different strategies to work with a child to help their behaviour. BUT, you can only do that for so long before you have to do what's best for you and your group, ya know? I don't terminate over small things that can be worked on. I terminate over bigger things and things that just can't be changed even though I've tried my hardest. Hell, I worked with a child for almost 10 months to correct things but without the support of the parents, it's a loss cause and in this case, the parents were the ones who went else where instead of trying to work with me.

So, this is not always the case

Kidlove, I'm by no means a hard ass and I will try to work with a family in the case of a child's behaviour BUT I do stand by my policies and enforce them. After all, they're there for a reason right?