Need help and advice with 14 m.o. DCG

[MonkeyPrincess]

I have a 14 month old DCG that started with me a month ago. She is still having problems integrating into daycare and has severe separation anxiety. She cries excessively every day for hours! She cries when mom drops her off and goes on for an hour. Anything triggers her crying, like a stumble (she's still a wobbly walker) me playing with another child or another child sharing snacks or toys. God forbid i step away from her for a second- she'll scream bloody murder. She wants to be held all the time and i can't do that, i have 3 other kids to care for. She wanders the house aimlessly, just randomly crying and screaming. She doesn't really play much, she just wants to hang off me. She'll cry even when i am holding her and that screaming in your ear really gets to you quick. Yesterday, in the 3 minutes i was in the washroom, she cried to the point of vomiting all over herself and the floor (then proceeded to climb all over me...ewww ) I have tried everything i can think of, extra cuddles, lots of outside time (that seems to calm her down), singing, dancing, storytime, tv time--nothing works.

I thought things would have changed by now but there is not a lot of change from day one. It's a challenge to feed her because she's a fussy eater. She's also a very poor sleeper. The most she has ever slept is 45 min all day. She refuses to sleep in her playpen. She can't self soothe and if you try to CIO she will scream bloody murder the whole time. If she falls asleep you can't transfer her because if you touch her, she wakes up spastic!

I am really trying to be patient but i don't know what else to do, i feel myself slowly losing patience. DCG's mom and i have talked about this. She is completely understanding because she knows her daughter is not a good eater or sleeper. I could get past that, but the excessive crying and screaming is wearing me down. Mom says she isn't like this at home. She says she doesn't cry much and is not clingy at home, but we all know kids are different at home than at daycare. Her parents are friends of mine and i really don't want anyone upset (including myself) so i am trying to tough it out but hey, i am human, i have a breaking point. Mom has asked me what i want to do and i told her we'll give it another week (hoping that things will change) and we'll talk about it then. She asked me not to give up on her child and i assured her i wouldn't give up so easily. I did, however, tell her to keep everyone's best interest at heart because the constant excessive crying isn't good for her, or anyone else for that matter.

Thanks for reading. What do you think? What would you do?

[Momof4]

Welcome to newbie hell and I'm right there with ya! You're already talking to the parent about the problem so that's good. This is what I tell the parents: It's really sad that a little baby has to learn at such a young age that they are not the centre of the universe. It's anger, first and foremost when a baby chronically cries for no reason and they are angry because they aren't being picked up on demand, so the best thing the parents can do is to help out by NOT picking them up unless they are hungry, dirty or hurt. Otherwise, they need to let the child learn to play independently and that there is no reward for crying. Being picked up is their reward and they know it.

Good luck! Sometimes it does take a few months to settle in a new child and it's exhausting for us and for the other children in the daycare.

[Crayola kiddies]

Giving in to her and rocking her to sleep is not fixing the situation.... It's just prolonging it. Put her in the playpen and let her cry it out. Hopefully you have a separate room for her and put on music or a fan or the tv to drown her out .... Ask mom for her pillowcase so the child can smell her and stop rocking her .
Do the parents carry her around all day? Did they not do any prep to get her ready for group care ... I would have a tough time with excessive crying .... Know your limit and dont forget you have a responsibility to the other children in your care as well.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Giving in to her and rocking her to sleep is not fixing the situation.... It's just prolonging it. Put her in the playpen and let her cry it out. Hopefully you have a separate room for her and put on music or a fan or the tv to drown her out .... Ask mom for her pillowcase so the child can smell her and stop rocking her .
Do the parents carry her around all day? Did they not do any prep to get her ready for group care ... I would have a tough time with excessive crying .... Know your limit and dont forget you have a responsibility to the other children in your care as well.

Thanks for the reply. Crying it out to the point til she falls asleep has not worked yet with this child. She will cry to the point of vomit and although she is in another room, her crying prevents my daughter from napping. All she does is cry all day and it doesn't even exhaust her, she only naps half an hour all day! I have not tried the background noise but i will try that.

I have asked the parents if she is always carried and they say no, she is pretty independent at home (not sure what to think about that one). They obviously didn't do any prep before their child started daycare here, although i told them to do it 3 months before she started with me. I am having a hard time with the excessive crying and i don't want to snap, so that's why i have told them about it ASAP. I told her that if she doesn't start to adjust to daycare within the next few weeks, then we should sit down and talk again because it's not healthy for the child to cry for so many hours every day and not eat and sleep well. I also reminded her that it's not in the best interest of the other kids and myself when there is a child who doesn't adjust well.

[Momof4]

I hate to tell you this but my record holder for screaming was 7 MONTHS! But here's the part that always keeps me going. She's still here and she's been here 3 1/2 years and she is 4 1/2 now and in JK and still coming every other day and she's wonderful now. Just wanted to share a success story for you because I certainly know how disheartening a screamer can be for us.

[Littledragon]

Alright, I am probably going to sound really heartless, but she sounds EXACTLY like my first little boy I had and this is what I ended up having to do:
I set up a playpen in my living room. He seemed to enjoy being in there. For the first little while, he would stand in there and cry but then after a little while he would sit down and play. Or just watch TV. Eventually, I put my son in there and he seemed OK with that. For eating, I just let him sit there with food. If he didn't eat tough. He would, honest to God, not eat for DAYS. I hope he was eating at home, cause he wasn't eating here. He would still glady drink his milk, but that was it. For sleeping, I set him up in the same playpen in my bedroom. I put on the cartoon channel and left him there. He had a sippie cup of water, a toy or two and the TV. Eventually, I changed the channel to a galaxy channel and then I was eventually able to turn off the TV entirely. his first day, he slept for FIFTEEN minutes. for the first week, I sat in there with him until he fell asleep. But the trick was to not look at him. If he woke up early I left him there until the two hours were up. (I tried going in to soothe him and tell him it was still nap time but he didn't respond well to that) He cried, I'm not going to lie. He screamed! But it lasted about 2-3 weeks and now he's my dream napper. he doesn't always sleep, but when he's up, he's quiet. Always. He eats now. I give him 15 minutes. If he's not done within 15 minutes, I take it away and he goes to play. When he first started, he wouldn't TOUCH fruit. Now it's the first things he eats.

As for the crying, he's still sensitive. He cries ALOT - when someone takes a toy away, when someone bonks him by accident, if I move him from a toy because he's trying to take it, if he falls and I KNOW he hasn't hurt himself. He's just a crier. Which is sometimes I good thing, but rarely lol What I do, is I put him against the wall. In my living room, which is where we've been playing a lot lately, there's a little toy area and then my TV stand. Between the TV stand and the toy area is about 4 feet of bare wall/floor. I sit him there and tell him not to move. He will sit there and cry...sometimes for up to 10 minutes. It's not a time out, really. It's a...rest I guess. I let him sit there and cry. Eventually, he'll start talking to the other kids and then eventually, he'll just get up and come back. What I don't do is feed into it. I don't pay ANY attention to it. I don't even tell him to stop because ANY attention gives this kid the OK to continue. Now, don't get me wrong. If he falls, I go over and make sure he's OK. Or I ask him if he wants a hug. But I can't pick him up and I have to be really careful what I allow cuddle-wise because if I give him an "in" to cry, he will and he'll go with it. Some days, honestly, he sits against the wall often lol and then other days, he's happy as a clam. He just likes to cry and I honestly think he likes to sit alone for a few minutes without feeling like he has to be doing something.

Anyways, my advice to you is to not feed into it and LET her cry. It's OK to cry. She's showing her emotions. She's learning to self soothe. I'm guessing she doesn't have the opportunity to do that at home. I know it can be really trying on your patience but the less attention you give it, the shorter amount of time it will take for her to get over it. What I do with my little guy sometimes (if he's crying for an actual reason) is put him on my lap, with his face towards my chest and say "It's OK, cry. And when you're done crying, you can go play." I did that for FOUR days (he went through some random seperation thing about a month ago - he's been here since March lol) and it worked.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I know how tough a crier can be...and how much it tries your patience, but it can get better...if you want it to. If not, you might have to let her go.

Good luck!

[Momof4]

You're not heartless Littledragon, you're a genius! You found a way to make it work and get the child to adjust and that's what it's all about. I agree with everything you said and I applaud you. I just graduated a 4 1/2 year old boy who cried here for the past 3 years because it seemed like the older he got the more he turned into a crying, pathetic wimp and I did everything possible to teach him it wasn't acceptable but his parents bought into his crap and were making him worse and worse, year by year. Not my problem any more, now it's his JK teacher's problem.

So, we can only do so much in our capacity as 'secondary' caregivers even though we spend 40-45 hours a week with these children. Just be consistent with YOUR rules and that's all you can do.

[Crayola kiddies]

Lily .... I had one a year or so back and although she didn't cry all she was actually quite happy but ... When she was tired there was no way she was going to sleep I tried everything ... I even had her asleep in my arms but when I went to transfer her she would wake at the slightest movement and start shrieking .... I had to call dad to pick her up and she was asleep in his truck before he even backed out .... We tried everything ... I moved her from room to room ... Finally mom said put her in the darkest room you have and she sent her music machine and her pillow case ... I was not feeling confident that this would work but of course I tried and she went to sleep without a peep and it was amazing .... She was terrific after that ..... I think you have a stubborn one on your hands .... I've never had one cry all day for a month and not sleep or eat ... So I'm not much help ..... I had one start at 9.5 months and she shrieked for the first week she even cried while eating but at least she ate and she did sleep twice a day but her waking hours were spent shrieking !!! That was back at the beginning of the year and she is terrific now. I wish you luck and hope she settles quickly ....but the parents really need to help .... Good luck .... Really .... ; )

[Littledragon]

Yes! That's one thing I forgot to mention that crayola mentioned...ask mom and dad to bring something that smells like home. My little man still has two blankets he brought when he started. It really helped. When I would sit in the room with him, he would curl up with the blanket cause it smelled like home. This helps too!

[Bookworm]

I agree with everything the above ladies said. Definitely get the parents to bring a blankie or something from home for nap time. For those kids that have blankies to sleep in my daycare, I send them home every Friday with the parents so they can wash them and get the "home" smell on them again for the next week.