Worst transition ever need some advice!

[superfly]

I have been trying to transition a baby (just turned 1 year old) into my home daycare and not having any luck. As of today we've done 6 - 1/2 days (unpaid) and I'm not sure what I should/can do to help this child over a very severe case of separation anxiety.

The baby cries non stop from the time Mom leaves until he falls asleep from crying exhaustion. During his crying fits I pick him up when he reaches out his arms but then he pushes me away trying to get away. Other times he clings to me like his life depended on it screaming in my face. He is actually so scared he is shaking from head to toe, and no attempts to divert his attention with toys, books, gental voice, or back pats work to calm him. Some naps are only 15 mins becasue he's spends the whole time crying. After nap time is over it's only a tiny bit better because he's eating but as soon as I leave the room(the kitchen/dinningroom/playroom is open concept so I'm always in view) he's back to crying. Basically he just cries it out until his mom picks him up. I know anxiety is normal but I've just never seen this level before. Mom is starting back to work full time next week, and she knows that the transition is not going well. He will be coming the rest of the week as well. We're supposed to sit down on friday to talk about the situation, she had mentioned that maybe we're moving too fast and we need to slow down-perhapse he should just do part time for a month or so (have her mom come down to watch him the rest of the time)

With that being said if we decide this isn't working out for eithor of us sould I refund the deposit? Our original agrement was full time I don't look after children part time that would affect my income. I've not charged for the transition days and by friday it will be 9-1/2 days. I just don't know what to do and need some advice, after 6 days I just don't see any changes I don't know if this is going to get better!

[kidlove]

Only you know if you can handle it or not.....it will get better. How long? not sure, depends on the child and depends on you. How you handle the stress, how you play with him, lots comes into effect. What is your "trial" period? and...............yo u dont charge for "transition days"?

[apples and bananas]

I'm sorry... you don't charge for transition days? What? Those are the hardest days! Honestly, we should charge double, they're a pain in the Buttons!

I would suggest that if he's having this much anxiety over half days and you are this concerned about it, he will eventually transition, they all do, but this is going to take a while! Are you prepared to spend the time and effort and spend the money on the bottles and bottles of wine it's going to take to get through it?

As far as refunding the deposit... depends on what your policy is. Does it pay for first week? last week? When is he supposed to go full time? Only you can answer that based on your policies. If your policies are too loose to define if you should keep it or not then I guess this is a great learning curve... make your policies better and move on to the next one.

[Mamma_Mia]

I had at that time a 8mos old come into care and she was/is a mix of seperation anxiety & stubborn! She would SCREAM & GROWL her head off allllllll day long.....but if I left the room she'd be better!!! Weirdo (lol)

I had to be strong. Her choices were to stay alone crying or play with us playing. If I''d walk over while she was quiet and if she started crying I'd walk away. I don't reward 'naughty' behaviour. She picked up that I will not go to her if she's screaming. BUT it took a long time....(look back to my previous posts to see wht the other ladies have said as suggestions if you'd like).

Last week we were in the playroom...I sat in the comfy chair since it was free-play. she would just stare at me and huff&puff her begining of a cry. If I made eye contact she'd start huffing again....if I "read a book" and ignored her she'd be fine! I wanted her to move round and not just be a bump on a log so I went up and sat on the stairs. I was still able to see them (Peeking over) but they couldn't see me....well that little buggar started crawling around, yapping and pulling herself up onto toys!! She NEVER did this infront of me!!! I'd show myself and plop she'd go and huffing again. I'd hide and she was all over the place!! I *THINK* she figured "you're here so YOU entertain me". When I'd be gone she'd have to play on her own....

Today she is 11mos old and finally cut her first tooth!!! she is a NEW and DIFFERENT child!!! Since her tooth broke she's laughing, crawling, playing and everything like a normal 11mos old with me there!

[Crayola kiddies]

Yikes !!!!! First I would never do unpaid transition days. Has the child ever been left with anybody else other than family? What did the parents do to prepare for group care ? Try hiding behind a wall or use a blanket and play here I am with him ... That way he knows that you leave - you come back .... There was another Thread about this and a poster suggested in extreme cases they would take the child to a mall where the provider would be the only familiar face and that would create the bond. Some people have had children take several months to settle .... I dont think part time would help cause part time children usually take longer to transition. Have mom bring her pillow case from home so when he goes to bed he will smell her and maybe some music or other background noise.

[superfly]

I don't charge for transitions, I've never needed more than a 1/2 day or day before for the little ones to feel comfortable and it didn't feel right to me -that doesn't mean it isn't rough the first 2 weeks of course as we both adjust. We're going to speak on friday and I feel I'll commit to 1 month and see how it goes. The parents are doing what they can but its not getting better and I think its starting to stress mom out a bit. I didn't have a trial period written into the contract, I'm not usually a give-er-up-er and I didn't expect a child to have such a hard time but I guess it's a lesson learned for next time.

[superfly]

Mom has given me toys from home to keep at the daycare, plus sleep friend and blanket with the family scent on it. At Nap time I do play soft music in the back ground and have a fan so the room isn't to warm. I'm not super concerned at the moment about the nap, I'm more concerned about how scared he is over being away from his mom. Should I also mention that he is unable to scoot/crawl, or walk. I was told they don't have alot of friends/family around the area so no, he hasn't been taken care of by anyone else. A few weeks ago I did suggest to mom that mom and dad should try to get out a bit more on their own so he could feel a bit more comfortable around other people. And I agree that going to part time is not the answer but that is her suggestion becasue she feels we're moving to fast. She is starting work full time next tuesday I'm not sure how we are moving to fast we've been working on this for 3 weeks now trying to get him ready and I'm not getting anywhere. My security deposit is non refundable and covers the last two weeks of child care with notice, I'm not officially starting until Monday. Lesson learned escape clasue, for kids that just can't deal with life.

[apples and bananas]

He'll be ready when he's ready.

It's good to have that security deposit... unfortunatly it's going to force you to provide care for at least the next 2 weeks. Do you have a 30 day, it might not work out clause?

It's really hard when this happens. If you decide not to do it the poor kid has to start all over with someone else and go through this all again. The only time I would terminate based on not settling fast enough would be if there was absolutly no progression made at all over a 4 weeks period or if I knew that my sanity just couldn't handle it and it was in the best interest of the child to find someone who was stronger then me to do it.

I had a little one cry and walk to the door for 3 weeks straight! Now she's a pleasure to have around and she's my best sleeper and eater.

Tell the parents that you're struggling. Let them know where you are at in the whole situation and make sure they know that if it's too much during the day you may call to have him picked up early. That you'll always act on the best interest of the child and you know when enough is too much for both of you.

You may find that one day he just stops and is amazing!

[Momof4]

What? 6 1/2 days of hell unpaid? I don't think so! Why?

I'm transitioning a 12 month old right now and we're enduring a lot of screaming for no reason. He's angry, plain and simple. His Mom dropped him off at a stranger's house. Wouldn't you be angry? But I insist on 2-3 full days per week for transitioning working up to full time and they pay for every day at my higher part-time rate until they become full time.

I tell the parents at pick up every day exactly what happened and how they can help by letting their child know that there is no reward for crying for no reason so don't pick them up unless you know they need something. I make sure the parents have told me everything about what their child eats and gets them onto our nap schedule before starting daycare. Then we go right into full days because the children have to learn how our daily routine rolls.

Good luck to you but don't undervalue yourself and for heaven sake, whatever you decide to do always get paid!

[Inspired by Reggio]

Transitioning can be so hard on wee ones ~ specially when they are not mobile and cannot move to a place that they feel more secure.

When I have an infant who is clearly beside themselves with anxiety about being in group care who is not been prepared for being cared for by someone beside mama or papa ~ I swaddle them and hold them and sing calmly trying to send them that reassuring message and create that bond of trust that they are indeed safe despite themselves, play lots of games of peekaboo and so forth to build up the reminder of object permanence that whatever disappears from view comes back ~ including me and mama and so forth. I try initially not to move out of arms reach until that 'screaming' in fear stage every time you move has passed in the first couple days and once they are no longer crying all the time cause they trust that their needs are going to be met than I slowly work on the independence of being able to move around the room without them loosing their noodle, to than leave the room without them loosing their noodle and so forth until they are finally a normal member of the group.