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  1. #1
    Starting to feel at home...
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    All in one day-Good Relationship gone bad

    So I had a client, and we both just loved each other, to the point that we were pretty sure that we were going to stay and hang out outside of my dayhome once their child went on to their new Dayhome which starts next week. (They live the furthest away and we both understood that this would happen in fall)
    So her Son has been with me since March. Has never had an accident besides bumping himself here and there. And Everything has been great! She was my favourite mom.
    So we were planning to have a little goodbye party for him this friday. And yesterday he got bit by one of the new kids that I have brought in to replace him.(second time) But A pretty big and deep bite this time. I sent her a photo with sincere apologies. She responds that she doesn't know what to say. And next thing you know. She comes and picks him up as usual and says that today is his last day. All calmly and normal. And That its going to work out cause his new dayhome lady can take him in early.

    So at first, I was just sad and felt guilty. But now I'm kind of mad? and I don't know if I should be but I'm kind of mad. I just feel like it was a slap in the face for her to have chosen to react like that in this situation (even though realistically it makes my life easier)
    and it might have been suiting if she was some client that had been holding in anger for some prolonged time or didn't like the dayhome anymore or where this continuously happened ....but this is just bogus. What should I do? Should i still have him over and get him gifts to kind of put closure and have a real goodbye? She had mentioned stopping by on friday? or do I just say screw this and move on?
    How would you handle it?

  2. #2
    Euphoric ! Inspired by Reggio's Avatar
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    Wow ~ ya that would hurt my feelings too ... biting is such a hard thing to deal with until you've had a child who 'bites' cause you just visualize it as such an aggressive thing and so often parents take it personally when their child is bitten like 'how could you let that happen' not realizing that it often happens so FAST and has no precursors or aggression attached to it before hand to let you 'know' its about to happen ~ that you can be sitting right there reading a book and everyone is happen and BAM someones decided their teeth hurt and needs some relief and picked up a hand and bitten it

    I have not had a bitter in years but I can so remember the guilt as the caregiver having to tell a parent that their child was bitten on my watch and I can still remember having to 'calm' parents who were ready to pull their child out of the program over the biting because they felt it was just unacceptable for one human to bit another but after explaining development and the action plan that I would put in place know that I knew a child was having a biting stage they seemed to 'calm down' and work through it ~ but it is a hard stage for everyone involved for sure!

    I am always one to approach things with honesty ... let her know how your feeling about the sudden change of plans and get to the bottom of 'why' she's decided to leave early and find some closure in regards to that either way. Cause while her feelings in regards to the biting and wanting to protect her child from future bites are valid so are yours feeling like you are being 'blamed' for this behavior and so forth equally valid and worthy of discussion to resolve the issue If after talking you and she are both willing to come by for it I would allow the child to have his good bye party with his other friends so that everyone gets closure.

    My guess is that her pulling now is more about the option being there since he was leaving anyway and perhaps wanting to be making your load lighter while dealing with your newbie who sounds like a bit of a challenge than her truly having an issue with you or the care provided.
    Children construct their own intelligence. The adult must provide activities and context, but most of all must be able to listen. Children need proof that adults believe in them. Their three great desires are to be listened to, to understand, and to demonstrate that they are exactly what we expect."
    Loris Malaguzzi

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  4. #3
    Euphoric !
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    I would say just move on because of the situation. He wasn't expecting gifts anyways and well the party not happening is mom's problem to explain not yours. Means she may have been getting pressure from the new daycare to start him early to secure the spot and well this gave her an out without giving proper notice. Sometimes in this kind of a situation it is best to just let them go. Remain all happy and positive but leave it up to mom to make the next move social wise/vist etc.

  5. #4
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    I would also say give her the benefit of the doubt. Do mention how you're feeling to her in a nice way and get closure. There may be a simple explanation for the whole thing. Sometimes, we're too quick to get upset. Don't waste your energies being mad.

  6. #5
    Euphoric !
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    It sounds like she seriously overreacted to the situation and that's not normal. Of course we all want our children to be safe but it sounds like she knows you well enough to know that it was a rare occurance and that you are trustworthy so that was just uncalled for! I'm sorry you are feeling bad and mistreated. People are so weird, it just never ceases to amaze me.

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  8. #6
    Euphoric ! mimi's Avatar
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    I get that she was upset about the second bite, especially since it was more severe than the first. If she felt she didn't want to chance another biting encounter she should have been up front with you about how she felt. She could have let you feel better, because as a friend, she would know you felt horrible about the incident, by acknowledging that this can happen to anyone and she doesn't blame you yet needs to take her son early from your care because she doesn't want to risk a third bite. I had a biter as well and it can happen so quickly even if you are deligent. I quickly learned his behaviour leading up to his biting so I could stop him before he offended. Let her make the next move in your "friendship"

  9. #7
    Euphoric ! kidlove's Avatar
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    Oh Man, Day Home mamma: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD! My feelings would be hurt but, don't forget why she took him out...not because she is upset with your care, she obviously loves you, but if someone bit my kid (and twice?) I would remove them from care too. Seeing that Friday was to be his last day?...I may have left him in for the week, BUT how do you know he wasn't "crying" about this at home and maybe begged his Momma to "not send him back"....who's the biter? and why? thats another post in itself, but I would seriously consider letting the biter go. (I don't tolerate biting, only had one in 10 years and let him go at first offense )
    If I were you, I would call the Mom, apoligize one more time and ask her if she could please bring son over to have a proper good bye, (maybe pick a day the biter is not scheduled) Don't burn a bridge with such a good friend and child.

    I regret the way one of mine left, after caring for 4 years, he left 2 weeks early due to a new "habit" of puking every day all over my lunch table. (he had emotional issues, and OCD) so when he got in the "habit" it was hard to break it. Well...the parents got tired of being called from work about 3 times a week to pick him up, so they pulled him 2 weeks early. (some thanks to me for care for 4 years) I did realize they were doing it for other reasons than being "angry" with me. 1)they didn't want to leave work anymore
    2) they had to pay for the day even though he puked at 8 am
    3)they didn't think it was good for him to keep his "habit"

    this Mom could just be looking out for her sons best interest, nothing personal.....just reach out to her and him, you won't regret it!
    dont forget too....this transition is stressful for her already, then add the bites (put yourself in her shoes)

  10. #8
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    It just reminds us that as close as we get to our clients sometimes, our clients see us just as the provider. We have a work relationship that can sour in a second! Sucks that she reacted like that, but know that you did all the right things. I'm sure we've all witnessed bumps bruises and bites that happen when they are within arms reach of us even. We just can't prevent anything. This could have happened in a dayhome, centre care, school ground, even at a cousins house.

    You did everything right... move forward.

  11. #9
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    I agree with apples and bananas be careful crossing friendships with working relationships. I have been disappointed and felt used on a few occassions. The partnership you have with your parents is a caring partnership first and possibly a friendship second. It is unfortunate when this happens and leaves us doubting ourselves. You handled the situation in a professional manner so use this as a learning experience.

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