What would you do!!!

[daycarewhisperer]

At this point it's best to not discuss this any further with the parents and get your home ready for a visit.

I think you got caught up into a few dynamics you may not have been prepared for. First, taking a child who has been cared for by a grandparent often doesn't work out. Nobody on the planet wants you to be happier than a grandparent. Going from grandparent care to group care is like going from one end of the earth to the other. It would be a rare kid who could adjust from the permissive environment where they rule the home to a home where a stranger adult rules and the child's position in the home is one of many. The child showed you clearly what happens when his environment didn't allow him to be the King.

Also, there are some families who use free grandma care for a long time and when grandma surrenders and refuses to keep doing the free the family lays in wait for an opportunity to show grandma that SHE is not protecting her young and doing what is best for her grandbaby because the parents REALLY want the free granny care back. Often the catalyst to get grannie back on the free IS a claim of physical abuse towards precious. So ANY altercation or injury will be enough fodder to get the parents to convince granny that only SHE can care for and protect precious in their absence.

You may have unwittingly gotten in the mix with that. For them to pull the kid immediately shows that they DO have options for his immediate care. That would be free granny.

Next... NEVER take a kid with violence in their behavior. Unfortunately todays parents and providers believe that children getting physical is "normal" child hood behavior so the end game is just to work on it. We aren't allowed to exact ANY kind of real discipline so the result is that we have kids that are comfortable getting physical with us, our property, our kids, and the day care kids knowing full well that we can't do a single thing other than giving them words as a consequence. If we do time out they have the opportunity to fight all the way to and from time out and refuse to do the time out. That time when you are trying to give a consequence puts you on the fry for an accusation should an injury or a child's perception of your behavior bring into question what YOU did during the discipline.

Also.. NEVER admit to ANYTHING regarding what "could" have happened when you didn't see it. Your explanation of the child's shirt put you as much at risk as the child's allegation that you hurt him. You have basically said you didn't see anything but the kids were rough housing enough to stretch out a shirt. That means you weren't watching and that will land you in more issues.

I would also NOT discuss the days before hour time out. That will also land you with consternation from cps and could ultimately give you a founded case. The current public mindset is that time out should AT MOST be a minute per age. When you get into an hour you can have the worker evaluating it believing it is excessive.

The only thing that is really safe to discuss is that the child's behavior resulted in you needing to give the child his own adult. If the child needs their own adult and you don't have an adult for him then you can declare safely that you can't provide the care the child needs.

The child throws toys at the younger kids. In order to stop the child from hurling heavy toys you must provide him his own adult to stand between him and the kid he is throwing it at.

If the child refuses to go to time out you have to provide an adult to sit with him and one to one him for his four minutes.

If the child refuses to do self cares he needs his own adult.

If the child refuses to clean toys he needs his own adult

Get the picture? You use "needs his own adult" for EVERYTHING. Then the question becomes "can the parents provide his own adult AND pay for his slot in care?" That way you put the child's "needs" on THEM.

Never ever keep a kid that will fight an adult. If he struggled even slightly away from me when I was hand walking him from point a to point b I would have immediately called his parents and told them he is fighting the directions I gave him and he needs to be picked up immediately. I will not put my hands on a chlld who is doing resistant counter moves while I'm propelling him forward. The chance for injury (scratches) is too high and puts me at too much risk.

It IS getting to the point where we aren't allowed to do ANY ANY ANY kind of discipline other than redirection words and giving a child his/her own adult. Some states in the US are banning time out for under three's AND some are banning it all together. As time goes on and we get more and more kids who can't be disciplined in ANY way... we will see more violence and more accusations. Today is the day you know you can't say NO to a kid and expect ANY kind of compliance if the child disagrees with your no. That kid GETS to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Either you can offer that in your home or you can't. If you can't offer that then he should have been gone after the first act of defiance or violence he showed you.

Lastly the shirt stretch out most likely occured by him bringing his knees up to his chest and pulling the shirt over his knees repeatedly. That could have happened at your house or during a school time out. When kids are left with NOTHING to do during time out they will use their clothing as a toy or something to amuse themselves. At four he is old enough to bring his knees up and pull the front of the shirt over his knees and stretch.

Good luck and do NOT speak of this again to the parents. They have told you that they WILL give further accusations with their line: While we are not accusing you of anything at this point, they are really saying "we are hitting up granny for her to get back on the free gran plan. She's okay with it today but should she say no to doing it tomorrow... or next week... we want to leave the door open to say words to you to get you to take the child back if we are in a bind." Since they don't know for SURE that granny will stick with it... they are keeping a slight opening in your door.