Am I being an ass?

[Judy Trickett]

I was feeling somewhat concerned because I read a lot of posts about how much providers "care for", "love", "are best friends with", "just like family" with their daycare children and parents because I don't feel this way. I like my families. I like the parents. I like the children. But this is my job and families have left of their own accord and some with a little nudge from me but I am not upset in the least. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me. Judy's post nailed it. It's my business...... that's all. I like the kids and when someone leaves I like the next one that fills the space. A balance has been restored in my world again ..... Thanks Judy !

You don't have to love any client in any business to do a great job and have a strong work ethic and deliver exceptional service. Do you think your dentist 'loves' you? Or even the surgeon who operates on you? Do you think the doctor or midwife who delivered your baby LOVED you or your child? The answer is NO. But they all provided a positive experience and were kind, polite and compassionate. And at the end of the service they were paid and life went on.

You should NOT be made to feel bad as a dcprovider for not "loving" the kids in your care. One of the biggest reasons I started to speak out and blog was because I realized there is this double-standard of societal expectations when it comes to daycare providers. We are expected to work longer hours, for less pay and FAR more responsibility and liability than almost any other segment of the population and then on top of that we are expected to literally give of our heart. And society thinks that if we do not literally LOVE every child in our care then we are not fit to provide care. I object to this notion and see it as a double-standard that is not applied to ANY other profession.

Never feel bad!

[Inspired by Reggio]

I agree ~ I am very passionate about my job, I am very passionate about providing excellent early years experience for children, I grow very FOND of the children in my care and grow 'attached' enough to be able to properly meet their needs just like I would in any human being whom I cam across who needed help / assistance / guidance .... but I do keep a professional 'distance' in regards to emotional attachment that would result in me being 'hurt' by a child leaving my program ~ that is an occupational hazard that will lead to burn out!

I think sometimes we use LOVE to mean different things ... I often say I LOVE my job but not in the same way I LOVE my spouse or step~children or myself not that emotional attachment kind of love

BTW ... all that said I do still throw my customers 'appreciation' events such as Mothers Day and Father's Day parties and our annual Christmas gathering .... during BUSINESS hours though not as part of my family time cause that is precious to me

[Crayola kiddies]

Ok just because I don't "love" my dcks and because I don't get emotionally attached to my dcfs doesn't mean I hate my job or that I provide less then stellar care. It means I am able to separate my business and emotions. When I first started I tried becoming involved and it just ended up badly ... For me.... So I don't do it anymore .... This is my job period

[bright sparks]

Thanks to everyone for their kind words of comfort and truthful insight on this subject.

[bright sparks]

Just to clear things up, I never insinuated that if you don't love your dck's that you don't do a good job. I didn't say that and I am in no way implying that, so apologies if you took that the wrong way, it was not intended and was not what I wrote. But as Reggio said, the word LOVE means different things to different people. If you care for people IMO, you are showing a degree of love. Different words may be used to describe this by different people.

Also, I am not a moron. I did not furthur hurt myself by going and pouring my heart out to people who quite clearly don't care. I took what you said Judy and was not pissed off, but obviously I may see things from a slightly different perspective but I agree with you and in my last post I acknowledged all my short comings and areas needing work. I still believe that it matters how I feel, if only to me and no-one else. Its just what I do with those feelings to enpower me not to fall for this crap again. But thats how I work clearly as a giver and a pleaser, emotionally involved. I hope that I can learn to be more like you seasoned providers in keeping my emotions seperate from business.

[kidlove]

Bright Sparks....perhaps I am not seasoned enough and hopefully I never become too seasoned! because for nearly 10 years I have been a giver and i do think you are so right.....people love you for that reason. I have had countless parents tell me they love bringing their kids to me because I am more than a Day Care provider, they can tell I truly love their child and that's what makes them so happy ,and sets me apart from the rest. ALWAYS take pride in who you are! Some day care providers are valued because of their awsome ability to teach the children, or to strighten out "poor behavior" their skills to potty train or ability to fix bad habits....hopefully we are all a mix of all of the above, but for whatever reason, we attract those families that are looking for those sepcial qualities. You've got the "love gene" amoung many other I'm sure Bright Sparks! Lets put it this way, out of the families you have had, I hope you have had more that appreciate you over NOT. If so, keep going at what you are doing, you are always bound to get a "dud" in the mix. Doesn't mean you need to change the way you are, if anything the only thing I reccomend is, get it off your back (which you did by telling the parenst how it made you feel) and then?...get over it! which you will after a little while of resentment. If I were you: I would not invite the fam to the party...I am a very honest person and there is no way I could be a good host and have a nice time IF they were there, I would have a little bit of upset feelings toward them and can't hide the way I feel! However...you do love the kids so, IF you have enough cash flow? get them a little Chrsitmas gift and drop it off to the kids in your own personal time to let them know you care and also send a message to the parents that you value their children..."kill them with kindness" thats what I always do! Show them what they are missing.
I feel for you in the lack of income dept. We too are down income right now and really feeling the blow. 1400.00 is our total approx. and the hubby is laid off for his seasonal work. so I hear ya on the Christmas blues. Like my Husband said the other day, when I voiced the worry of "what do we do for Christmas"....."God always takes care of us, stop worrying so much"....he's right. We have NEVER gone without, so what, Christmas will be a little smaller but we are happier than we have ever been and even down on income, we have everything we need, no extra..but everything we need. Hope you manage to have a great Christmas, money or no money. And I hope you fill your spot with another good family. I feel like we could be twins, I just lost a great family of 3.5 years due to money issues as well, knocked me on my butt too, you grow to love the kids so much and the family just like yours always said "what would we do with out you" "you are a family to us" "you mean so much to our daughter"....then... .wammo, same thing as you. Felt like they had no regard for me after all that was said. Good News! I got over it, and you will too, until then. I am here to listen if you need it. Not easy when you put your heart first, but SOOOOOO worth it! love to you Sparks

[bright sparks]

Where is that multiple thank you button again Kidlove. Thank you for joining me on the same page. I still really appreciate everyones comments, even the ones that are hard to read and I know that changes have to be made, but I do really appreciate you recognizing the good in me. While the truth hurts to hear, sometimes to have nothing but negativity thrown your way is a rough deal making a tough situation worse. But the reality check from Judy's words has definitely given me new perspective. I am glad to hear you use the words love towards your daycare children as honestly its just who I am, a mother hen. I think I should probably start loving and caring for myself more than I do in order to find balance in my life and in my business.

[Judy Trickett]

But the reality check from Judy's words has definitely given me new perspective.

Here's the thing. First off, I know I come off harshly. Trust me, I know this. But What I say to anyone here really IS from a place of concern and "love".

I want you to ponder this idea for one moment......just stay with me here...........when you went to the parents home and told them you were hurt that conveys toward them YOUR feelings. You are only concerned with YOU. It does not convey to THEM, in any way, shape or form that you are concerned for them or their kids - only YOU. And the second anyone, in any situation that they deem unfair starts to say THEY (as in identifying themselves as opposed to others) are hurt, angry, unjustly treated, then that is a defensive reaction and there can NOT be true LOVE if you are defensive. To be defensive means you are thinking of YOU - THAT is the definition of defense.

That is why I posted what I did about your feelings not mattering. Because your intent will never be conveyed to the other party when the feelings are about YOU and, therefore, whether you intend it or not, defensive in nature.

And defense is the opposite of love.

I know some of the readers of this post are not gonna get what I am saying because they are not "there yet" but it's actually BETTER to be UNattached to your daycare kids. And I don't mean "attachment" in the every day sense. I am talking about your ability to treat them well and care for them DESPITE the fact that you KNOW they will one day leave and that you will be OKAY with that. To me, any provider who can offer true CARE, affection and value to any child without true LOVE fully knowing that in the end the child will leave makes that provider a very BIG person.

It is in attachment - TRUE attachment - that we become hurt because WE become defensive as if the hurt toward us was intended.

Bright sparks - I think you are a good person. But I think that sometimes we don't really think about our feelings and how they appear to others. I am quite certain you are a "giver" but at some level, if you look deeply, that "giving" is hurtful to you because you attach conditions to it. The second you were no longer allowed to "give" you got defensive and showed it through hurt. If you are a TRUE giver you would give without condition either during, before or after the child is with you.

Do you get what I am saying?

[Inspired by Reggio]

...Do you get what I am saying?

I do

An example from my family ... my cousin had 4 children all under the age of 5 and when the last one was born my Aunt, a 'giver' by definition, decided that she would give my cousin a gift of $5000 .... truly a generous thing to do.

As a 'gift' it should be the person receiving its discretion to use how ever they WANT however my Aunt had 'visions' of it being used to put the older kids into some summer programs and allow my cousin to have some one on one time with the last baby cause well the youngest sibling tend to get ripped off that one on one that the oldest had. So when my cousin decided to use the $5000 to a get a BOOB JOB my Aunt was well to say the least HURT. Her gift had come with undisclosed 'conditions' and when those conditions were not met she felt betrayed of the trust in her 'assumption' that my cousin knew her well enough to know how she would want that gift spent.

However for my cousin ... after having given birth to 4 children her priority and struggle in life was having lost her 'pre baby body' so she used her gift to help restore a portion that no amount of exercise was going to fix her boobs that for some reason were not 3 sizes smaller than her skin. From her perspective this had more value and resulted in a happier mama for the boys and therefore was a wiser use of the money than having placed them in summer camps and given herself quiet time with the youngest ... she was use to her busy life an having a infant around with multiple children to tend to.

So often in business we do 'special' for clients by going above and beyond further than needed because we assume that this will bring us customer loyalty, gratitude and long term relationship and when it does not ~ when for the client it is just their normal and they do not think of it as special at all and end up terminating care at a time that sucks for us or with little notice or what not but still within the 'contract' from the clients perspective our feelings at not having our expectations met are HURT because well what was the point of that extra effort than ... we were assuming if WE went above and beyond than so would the client by giving us extra notice or by going extra mile to continue to allow the child to stay even though they moved or what not.

This is why as much as I LOVE what I do I do not do anything in my business that does not benefit ME .... so if I choose to do something 'extra' for a client I am not expecting anything in return from them at all cause my need has already been met. For example yes I do lots of extra creative art with my crew than the average provider likely does and we make 'gifts' for the parents at every season but I do not do that for my ADULT CLIENTS to get a thank you or a extra big Xmas bonus or some 'reciprocal' act I do that to see the joy in the kids faces while they are doing it cause I love passing on my love of creative art to them, I love to see the pride in their eyes when they give it to the parent at our Xmas gathering of the 'look what I made for you' .... that fills my soul with the LOVE I need to keep doing stuff like that and if I get appreciation from the CLIENT as well well that is just bonus and if not well they obviously did not value it the same as me and that is cool too!

[bright sparks]

I completely get what you are saying Judy. Thank you for your kind words in explaining this to me further. I have definitely taken what you have said and view this situation in a different light. Thank you