Am I being an ass?

[bright sparks]

[QUOTE=Judy Trickett;30989]Don't take this the wrong way but....your feelings don't matter. QUOTE]

I understand from your perspective, but not sure how I'm not going to take this the wrong way. My feelings absolutly matter. I completely understand that it is my fault for allowing people to treat me this way, but it in no way excuses their behaviour towards me.

I don't think we need to love every child to do a good job, but in any job if you hate it, you do not give as much effort to it. I don't care what anyone says. You are more likely to get good quality care for example from a newly qualified teacher who is full of enthusiam, than a teacher who has been doing it so many years, wrapped up in all the BS politics and on countdown for retirement. If someone gets up in the morning looking forward to the day, they will put more positivity into the day versus someone who thinks, shit I've got to go to work again. They do as little as possible to get through the day and are more likely to give a poorer level of care or standard of service.

This job is also not like to many others. Spending so many hours per week with children on such a close level, is bound to form strong bonds between the provider and the children. Maybe not for everyone, but for those adults who have a sensitive(but not weak)nature and get attached easily, these bonds formed are not necessairily a choice. If you aren't mainly a pleaser/giver personality, you can only begin to imagine what its like, but not personally know. In a previous thread Kidlove hit the nail on the head, and understands that this is who pleasers are. We love with our whole hearts. Love comes in different forms and I feel that my love for the children makes me do my job a whole lot better and is part of the appeal when parent's bring their children to me. Obviously because they think they can take advantage of me to LOL...starting to learn this.
I am glad I am this person, but I am fully aware that it is extremely taxing on me and within my business at least, I need to somehow learn to turn the dial down and be more balanced. It will be the difference between these kind of situations occuring again or not.

My goal from this experience is to still be the compassionate person I am but keep firmly within my business policies to prevent being taken advantage of in the future. Maybe part of the reason why I help people out is because in the past, I have crossed paths with givers and pleasers who have shown me great compassion. The difference is I am not someone who takes takes takes all the time and I make sure I show extreme grattitude to those people in my life who are kind to me. Unfortunatly when the tables are turned, all I seem to meet are takers.

It seems they didn't take a piece of my heart and trample ont it. I gave it to them.

[Judy Trickett]

Don't take this the wrong way but....your feelings don't matter.

I understand from your perspective, but not sure how I'm not going to take this the wrong way. My feelings absolutly matter. I completely understand that it is my fault for allowing people to treat me this way, but it in no way excuses their behaviour towards me.

Your feelings are real but they only matter to YOU. If they mattered one iota to the dcparents then their kids would still be in your care. That't the point I was making. Going to them and pouring out your heart to them about how this affects YOU will not make one difference to them. You live in a more than business realm and they don't. Period. You are not on the same page and dwelling on how it hurt you is only further hurting YOU. I can tell you , with 100% certainty that they are not thinking about YOU or how it affects you.

I don't think we need to love every child to do a good job, but in any job if you hate it, you do not give as much effort to it.

No one here said they hated their job. I can assure you, the day I wake up and hate my job is the last day I ever provide daycare. What people fail to understand is that you can NOT love the kids and be a STELLAR daycare provider. This is not some fantasy or some theory I have baked up. It's true - I know A LOT of daycare providers who LOVE their JOB but not the kids.

I also disagree that a more seasoned provider is less enthusiastic about their jobs. I think most newbie providers are more emotionally involved and therefore burnout occurs more often and more frequently and burn out is FAR worse, IMO, than complacency. A lot of seasoned providers have been able, through experience, to find their groove and what works for them and they stay in that groove because it keep EVERYONE happy - especially the provider. And regardless of what type of daycare you have or what curriculum you do or not follow etc the KEY to successful daycare and happy children is a HAPPY provider - hands down.

I know what you say about this is how you are but I do have to ask you......how is that working for you RIGHT NOW? The short answer that you are miserable and hurt. Take this as a lesson in how to divide business and emotion.

I KNOW you likely got pissed off reading what I posted. I know this. Most people don't like my forthrightness to tell you what you NEED to hear versus what you want to hear. But know, that what I say comes from a place of LOVE and appreciation and support of fellow providers. It is meant to help you grow.

Trust me, I have had my share of haters who loathed me at first but who came to realize I was right.

[Crayola kiddies]

Ok just because I don't "love" my dcks and because I don't get emotionally attached to my dcfs doesn't mean I hate my job or that I provide less then stellar care. It means I am able to separate my business and emotions. When I first started I tried becoming involved and it just ended up badly ... For me.... So I don't do it anymore .... This is my job period

[bright sparks]

Just to clear things up, I never insinuated that if you don't love your dck's that you don't do a good job. I didn't say that and I am in no way implying that, so apologies if you took that the wrong way, it was not intended and was not what I wrote. But as Reggio said, the word LOVE means different things to different people. If you care for people IMO, you are showing a degree of love. Different words may be used to describe this by different people.

Also, I am not a moron. I did not furthur hurt myself by going and pouring my heart out to people who quite clearly don't care. I took what you said Judy and was not pissed off, but obviously I may see things from a slightly different perspective but I agree with you and in my last post I acknowledged all my short comings and areas needing work. I still believe that it matters how I feel, if only to me and no-one else. Its just what I do with those feelings to enpower me not to fall for this crap again. But thats how I work clearly as a giver and a pleaser, emotionally involved. I hope that I can learn to be more like you seasoned providers in keeping my emotions seperate from business.

[bright sparks]

Thanks to everyone for their kind words of comfort and truthful insight on this subject.

[kidlove]

Bright Sparks....perhaps I am not seasoned enough and hopefully I never become too seasoned! because for nearly 10 years I have been a giver and i do think you are so right.....people love you for that reason. I have had countless parents tell me they love bringing their kids to me because I am more than a Day Care provider, they can tell I truly love their child and that's what makes them so happy ,and sets me apart from the rest. ALWAYS take pride in who you are! Some day care providers are valued because of their awsome ability to teach the children, or to strighten out "poor behavior" their skills to potty train or ability to fix bad habits....hopefully we are all a mix of all of the above, but for whatever reason, we attract those families that are looking for those sepcial qualities. You've got the "love gene" amoung many other I'm sure Bright Sparks! Lets put it this way, out of the families you have had, I hope you have had more that appreciate you over NOT. If so, keep going at what you are doing, you are always bound to get a "dud" in the mix. Doesn't mean you need to change the way you are, if anything the only thing I reccomend is, get it off your back (which you did by telling the parenst how it made you feel) and then?...get over it! which you will after a little while of resentment. If I were you: I would not invite the fam to the party...I am a very honest person and there is no way I could be a good host and have a nice time IF they were there, I would have a little bit of upset feelings toward them and can't hide the way I feel! However...you do love the kids so, IF you have enough cash flow? get them a little Chrsitmas gift and drop it off to the kids in your own personal time to let them know you care and also send a message to the parents that you value their children..."kill them with kindness" thats what I always do! Show them what they are missing.
I feel for you in the lack of income dept. We too are down income right now and really feeling the blow. 1400.00 is our total approx. and the hubby is laid off for his seasonal work. so I hear ya on the Christmas blues. Like my Husband said the other day, when I voiced the worry of "what do we do for Christmas"....."God always takes care of us, stop worrying so much"....he's right. We have NEVER gone without, so what, Christmas will be a little smaller but we are happier than we have ever been and even down on income, we have everything we need, no extra..but everything we need. Hope you manage to have a great Christmas, money or no money. And I hope you fill your spot with another good family. I feel like we could be twins, I just lost a great family of 3.5 years due to money issues as well, knocked me on my butt too, you grow to love the kids so much and the family just like yours always said "what would we do with out you" "you are a family to us" "you mean so much to our daughter"....then... .wammo, same thing as you. Felt like they had no regard for me after all that was said. Good News! I got over it, and you will too, until then. I am here to listen if you need it. Not easy when you put your heart first, but SOOOOOO worth it! love to you Sparks

[bright sparks]

Where is that multiple thank you button again Kidlove. Thank you for joining me on the same page. I still really appreciate everyones comments, even the ones that are hard to read and I know that changes have to be made, but I do really appreciate you recognizing the good in me. While the truth hurts to hear, sometimes to have nothing but negativity thrown your way is a rough deal making a tough situation worse. But the reality check from Judy's words has definitely given me new perspective. I am glad to hear you use the words love towards your daycare children as honestly its just who I am, a mother hen. I think I should probably start loving and caring for myself more than I do in order to find balance in my life and in my business.

[Judy Trickett]

But the reality check from Judy's words has definitely given me new perspective.

Here's the thing. First off, I know I come off harshly. Trust me, I know this. But What I say to anyone here really IS from a place of concern and "love".

I want you to ponder this idea for one moment......just stay with me here...........when you went to the parents home and told them you were hurt that conveys toward them YOUR feelings. You are only concerned with YOU. It does not convey to THEM, in any way, shape or form that you are concerned for them or their kids - only YOU. And the second anyone, in any situation that they deem unfair starts to say THEY (as in identifying themselves as opposed to others) are hurt, angry, unjustly treated, then that is a defensive reaction and there can NOT be true LOVE if you are defensive. To be defensive means you are thinking of YOU - THAT is the definition of defense.

That is why I posted what I did about your feelings not mattering. Because your intent will never be conveyed to the other party when the feelings are about YOU and, therefore, whether you intend it or not, defensive in nature.

And defense is the opposite of love.

I know some of the readers of this post are not gonna get what I am saying because they are not "there yet" but it's actually BETTER to be UNattached to your daycare kids. And I don't mean "attachment" in the every day sense. I am talking about your ability to treat them well and care for them DESPITE the fact that you KNOW they will one day leave and that you will be OKAY with that. To me, any provider who can offer true CARE, affection and value to any child without true LOVE fully knowing that in the end the child will leave makes that provider a very BIG person.

It is in attachment - TRUE attachment - that we become hurt because WE become defensive as if the hurt toward us was intended.

Bright sparks - I think you are a good person. But I think that sometimes we don't really think about our feelings and how they appear to others. I am quite certain you are a "giver" but at some level, if you look deeply, that "giving" is hurtful to you because you attach conditions to it. The second you were no longer allowed to "give" you got defensive and showed it through hurt. If you are a TRUE giver you would give without condition either during, before or after the child is with you.

Do you get what I am saying?

[bright sparks]

I completely get what you are saying Judy. Thank you for your kind words in explaining this to me further. I have definitely taken what you have said and view this situation in a different light. Thank you

[Inspired by Reggio]

...Do you get what I am saying?

I do

An example from my family ... my cousin had 4 children all under the age of 5 and when the last one was born my Aunt, a 'giver' by definition, decided that she would give my cousin a gift of $5000 .... truly a generous thing to do.

As a 'gift' it should be the person receiving its discretion to use how ever they WANT however my Aunt had 'visions' of it being used to put the older kids into some summer programs and allow my cousin to have some one on one time with the last baby cause well the youngest sibling tend to get ripped off that one on one that the oldest had. So when my cousin decided to use the $5000 to a get a BOOB JOB my Aunt was well to say the least HURT. Her gift had come with undisclosed 'conditions' and when those conditions were not met she felt betrayed of the trust in her 'assumption' that my cousin knew her well enough to know how she would want that gift spent.

However for my cousin ... after having given birth to 4 children her priority and struggle in life was having lost her 'pre baby body' so she used her gift to help restore a portion that no amount of exercise was going to fix her boobs that for some reason were not 3 sizes smaller than her skin. From her perspective this had more value and resulted in a happier mama for the boys and therefore was a wiser use of the money than having placed them in summer camps and given herself quiet time with the youngest ... she was use to her busy life an having a infant around with multiple children to tend to.

So often in business we do 'special' for clients by going above and beyond further than needed because we assume that this will bring us customer loyalty, gratitude and long term relationship and when it does not ~ when for the client it is just their normal and they do not think of it as special at all and end up terminating care at a time that sucks for us or with little notice or what not but still within the 'contract' from the clients perspective our feelings at not having our expectations met are HURT because well what was the point of that extra effort than ... we were assuming if WE went above and beyond than so would the client by giving us extra notice or by going extra mile to continue to allow the child to stay even though they moved or what not.

This is why as much as I LOVE what I do I do not do anything in my business that does not benefit ME .... so if I choose to do something 'extra' for a client I am not expecting anything in return from them at all cause my need has already been met. For example yes I do lots of extra creative art with my crew than the average provider likely does and we make 'gifts' for the parents at every season but I do not do that for my ADULT CLIENTS to get a thank you or a extra big Xmas bonus or some 'reciprocal' act I do that to see the joy in the kids faces while they are doing it cause I love passing on my love of creative art to them, I love to see the pride in their eyes when they give it to the parent at our Xmas gathering of the 'look what I made for you' .... that fills my soul with the LOVE I need to keep doing stuff like that and if I get appreciation from the CLIENT as well well that is just bonus and if not well they obviously did not value it the same as me and that is cool too!