Am I being an ass?

[Judy Trickett]

But the reality check from Judy's words has definitely given me new perspective.

Here's the thing. First off, I know I come off harshly. Trust me, I know this. But What I say to anyone here really IS from a place of concern and "love".

I want you to ponder this idea for one moment......just stay with me here...........when you went to the parents home and told them you were hurt that conveys toward them YOUR feelings. You are only concerned with YOU. It does not convey to THEM, in any way, shape or form that you are concerned for them or their kids - only YOU. And the second anyone, in any situation that they deem unfair starts to say THEY (as in identifying themselves as opposed to others) are hurt, angry, unjustly treated, then that is a defensive reaction and there can NOT be true LOVE if you are defensive. To be defensive means you are thinking of YOU - THAT is the definition of defense.

That is why I posted what I did about your feelings not mattering. Because your intent will never be conveyed to the other party when the feelings are about YOU and, therefore, whether you intend it or not, defensive in nature.

And defense is the opposite of love.

I know some of the readers of this post are not gonna get what I am saying because they are not "there yet" but it's actually BETTER to be UNattached to your daycare kids. And I don't mean "attachment" in the every day sense. I am talking about your ability to treat them well and care for them DESPITE the fact that you KNOW they will one day leave and that you will be OKAY with that. To me, any provider who can offer true CARE, affection and value to any child without true LOVE fully knowing that in the end the child will leave makes that provider a very BIG person.

It is in attachment - TRUE attachment - that we become hurt because WE become defensive as if the hurt toward us was intended.

Bright sparks - I think you are a good person. But I think that sometimes we don't really think about our feelings and how they appear to others. I am quite certain you are a "giver" but at some level, if you look deeply, that "giving" is hurtful to you because you attach conditions to it. The second you were no longer allowed to "give" you got defensive and showed it through hurt. If you are a TRUE giver you would give without condition either during, before or after the child is with you.

Do you get what I am saying?

[Inspired by Reggio]

...Do you get what I am saying?

I do

An example from my family ... my cousin had 4 children all under the age of 5 and when the last one was born my Aunt, a 'giver' by definition, decided that she would give my cousin a gift of $5000 .... truly a generous thing to do.

As a 'gift' it should be the person receiving its discretion to use how ever they WANT however my Aunt had 'visions' of it being used to put the older kids into some summer programs and allow my cousin to have some one on one time with the last baby cause well the youngest sibling tend to get ripped off that one on one that the oldest had. So when my cousin decided to use the $5000 to a get a BOOB JOB my Aunt was well to say the least HURT. Her gift had come with undisclosed 'conditions' and when those conditions were not met she felt betrayed of the trust in her 'assumption' that my cousin knew her well enough to know how she would want that gift spent.

However for my cousin ... after having given birth to 4 children her priority and struggle in life was having lost her 'pre baby body' so she used her gift to help restore a portion that no amount of exercise was going to fix her boobs that for some reason were not 3 sizes smaller than her skin. From her perspective this had more value and resulted in a happier mama for the boys and therefore was a wiser use of the money than having placed them in summer camps and given herself quiet time with the youngest ... she was use to her busy life an having a infant around with multiple children to tend to.

So often in business we do 'special' for clients by going above and beyond further than needed because we assume that this will bring us customer loyalty, gratitude and long term relationship and when it does not ~ when for the client it is just their normal and they do not think of it as special at all and end up terminating care at a time that sucks for us or with little notice or what not but still within the 'contract' from the clients perspective our feelings at not having our expectations met are HURT because well what was the point of that extra effort than ... we were assuming if WE went above and beyond than so would the client by giving us extra notice or by going extra mile to continue to allow the child to stay even though they moved or what not.

This is why as much as I LOVE what I do I do not do anything in my business that does not benefit ME .... so if I choose to do something 'extra' for a client I am not expecting anything in return from them at all cause my need has already been met. For example yes I do lots of extra creative art with my crew than the average provider likely does and we make 'gifts' for the parents at every season but I do not do that for my ADULT CLIENTS to get a thank you or a extra big Xmas bonus or some 'reciprocal' act I do that to see the joy in the kids faces while they are doing it cause I love passing on my love of creative art to them, I love to see the pride in their eyes when they give it to the parent at our Xmas gathering of the 'look what I made for you' .... that fills my soul with the LOVE I need to keep doing stuff like that and if I get appreciation from the CLIENT as well well that is just bonus and if not well they obviously did not value it the same as me and that is cool too!