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  1. #1
    Euphoric ! bright sparks's Avatar
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    Am I being an ass?

    Some of you may or may not know from a previous thread, that I was recently questioning whether to not offer early drop off for a family in order to join a wellness program very early in the morning to start looking after myself, which is starting to take a heavy toll on me and my family now.

    Well how ironic that less than 24 hours after posting that thread, this family gave me notice. Saturday morning, I got a text asking if we could meet that evening or the following day to talk about something. Well I wasnt waiting all wekkend to find out what it was and I wasn't giving up my little bit of family time for them so I just called the mother straight away. She said she didnt want to tell me what it was over the phone, but I insisted as it would have killed me to wait and spoiled my weekend too.

    She told me she had found a provider who wouldn't charge her a retainer or an early drop off fee. Mother is a teacher. She sais that was the only reason why she was moving her two kids. I have looked after them for 2 1/2 years. The mother has always said I am like family and a friend and in hindsight now, I see she hsa done nothing but minipulate me from day one.

    I know these things come to an end, but I was really upset that this close to Xmas she would pull two kids out when it wouldn't have made a difference if she had asked for care with the new procider to start a few weeks later in the new year. I asked her if this was possible and said she would have to ask as they had secured the spot, signed a contract and paid a deposit already. I said to her that my only dissapointment was that she dared to call me a friend but knowingly screw me over before Xmas putting me in hardship.

    Sunday afternoon, she sent me an email saying they would give me 4 weeks notice from this Monday and then they would leave.

    Monday, when dad picks up, he says his wife can't sleep and is super upset, can I go round after the girls are sleeping and talk face to face. I agreed and went round. She didnt say a word, clearly very emotional. They weren't awful to me but basically wanted to overpower me by telling me what was going to happen. He dared to say afterward, how do you feel. I responded with, does it matter how I feel and what I think?? I said that I understand why they are leaving, regardless of whether It makes me happy or not, I just looked at it from their stand point and if money is priority then fine. I just told them that I was so dissapointed that someone who preached so often how much they loved me and respected me, didn't come and talk to me first, or think about how their actions might effect others on a grand scale. They couldn't understand what I was bothered about. The husband said this is a business agreement and that they had never given me the impression that they had any other feelings towards me beyond this. This is the fine line I always walk along by being selfless and going above and beyond in my work. He had the ordasity to say I never did them any favours, although when mum had her 2nd child, I collected her 1st and dropped her home while doing my own kids school run as I new it would help her to recover better from her c section. He complained that I decided not to take the girls anymore on a Friday and they didnt have a choice. I got my back up then, because this was a request of the mothers, not mine so her mum could spend time with them. He also said that he had to pay to hold the spot for his other child even though she wasn't coming. This is BS. I charged mum nothing for a year while her other child came 2 days a week, and then wehen she decided to take an extra 6 months mat leave at short notice, I charged her 1 full time spot (5 days per wk) and she shared this between the two girls. I put this father straight by saying how if I'd charged him, he would have paid for 2 full time spots to hold it. At this point, I didn't want to argue, and didn't feel the need to defend myself when I hadn't done anything wrong. I just told them, that throughout my daycare business, I have always based my choices on how they will effect all the daycare parents, constantly taking into consideration how my actions will impact their lives. I said that its times like these, that it hurts to not be shown the same curtosy in return. They still needed daycare, so what would the difference have been in the grand scheme of things to keep them with me until after Xmas not to leave me financially compromised at this time of year. I am now down $1680 per month. I said obviously, I need to toughen up, not be as nice and look out for me, as no one else will. I told the mother directly that to be told so many times that she viewed me as a friend and as an extension of her family and then to have this happen, really feels like a blow to my heart.

    It felt great to say all the things that most bitch and vent about on here to these parents directly. They may not have wanted to hear them, but they deserved to hear them and I was polite, and didn't raise my voice or swear at them at all. I showed them the curtosy of listening to them, and they did the same for me in return.

    I will miss the girls immensly, but as they are still here for 4 weeks, I will make the most of them and enjoy doing some of our planned Xmas crafts and activities.

    Now heres my question after that long winded back story LOL (sorry)

    I have a Xmas party arranged. I have sent the invites out to everyone but this family. Is this an asshole move?? They will still very much be involved and included in the daycare activities but I begrudge spending more money on their children when they are leaving me in the shitter at this time of year.

  2. #2
    Expansive... BlueRose's Avatar
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    The way I see it, if the party is not during daycare hours and you are not comfortable having the family in your home for the party, then don't.
    If the party is during daycare hours then I would have something for all the kids even these two, its not their fault the parents are mistreating you. But i wouldn't invite the parents, the naughty need not party.

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  4. #3
    Euphoric ! mimi's Avatar
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    I completely understand what you are feeling bright sparks. I have had wonderful compliments from (some) of my dc families and they go right to my heart. It is because we treat their kids like our own and when they say something kind we think "yes, they get it, they understand how I feel and appreciate all I do" Then you get kicked in the teeth with their withdrawl of appreciation and it really hurts.
    Part of your pain of course is your huge loss of income, especially at this time of year. That is really hard to take especially when they complain about having to pay a deposit etc. to the other provider. I don't think however, I would have gone to their home to discuss. As Dad said so cooly is is just business, so their issue should have been discussed where business takes place, in your home.
    Aside from all this, I would include the kids in the party. Two wrongs don't make a right even though I completely understand you wanting to omit them. You say you care for these girls alot, so give them the send off they deserve. Don't not include them because their parents are insensitive dorks.
    Myself, I have toughen up due to similar experience. Hard lesson to learn but it will keep you from becoming so emotionally invested in your business. I hope I have helped in some way and you feel better.

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  6. #4
    Starting to feel at home...
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    I think it's great that you were able to tell them how you feel. That's the first step toward healing. I agree that if the Christmas party is after hours, feel free not to invite them. In time, you may be able to forgive them, but it's understandable that right now, all the emotions are too raw.

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  8. #5
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    the father denied ever having given you the impression that you were a friend and extension of their family so why would you feel bad for not inviting them to a holiday party for friends and family? After 2 1/2 years, they owed you the opportunity to meet their needs financially before moving elsewhere. It doesnt mean that you could or would have made the financial changes that they wanted but it they should have told you that moving the kids was apossiblity if you couldnt come to a new agreement. Unfortunately when it comes down to it, we are just the babysitter. they love us when we do great things and teach their children to be independant, how to write their names, not to mention all the love and hugs we give their children but once they no longer need us, all those things are forgotten. Yes, you need to look after yourself in future. That doesnt mean that you dont do extras for people in future but when you do, make sure you are doing it because you "want" to out of the goodness of your heart because down the road it will be forgotten and not truly appreciated. Best of luck finding a new and wonderful family.

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  10. #6
    Euphoric ! Sandbox Sally's Avatar
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    I wouldn't invite them to the party, no. Not an ass move at all. I don't think they're being unreasonable, but you are not obligated to invite anyone to a party in your home.

    I'm sorry you're going through this.

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  12. #7
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    Well done for standing up for yourself! Were you going to give them notice for only for the early mornings or whole together? I believe things happens for a reason. I recently interviewed a family and we agreed on everything i sent them my contract and after 2-3 days I've received an email saying that their plans had chanced therefore, they won't be sending their child but will recommend my day home in the neighbourhood (we live in the same neighbourhood). A bit annoying especially, I've done all the work, waste my time to meet them (twice) etc. but nothing happened. I learned soon that things like this happens. Everybody take care of their interest so we should do too. I know we are not like any other business as our emotions involved when taking care of children. But our business is no different and must not be different then any other business. If I go to a supermarket and tell them how much I love their products and I always shop there do you think they will give me discount or let me get things for free? No. So it is about time we should take care of our own interest and treat this as a business.

    Regarding invitation, nope, no way I will be inviting them.

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  14. #8
    Euphoric ! bright sparks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jazmic View Post
    In time, you may be able to forgive them, but it's understandable that right now, all the emotions are too raw.
    I think this is key. I am way to hurt right now. It is after hours and I invest a lot of time, energy and money into throwing a great Xmas Party. These are all things they have clearly not appreciated enough to warrant me including them.

  15. #9
    Euphoric ! bright sparks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mimi View Post
    Aside from all this, I would include the kids in the party. Two wrongs don't make a right even though I completely understand you wanting to omit them. You say you care for these girls alot, so give them the send off they deserve. Don't not include them because their parents are insensitive dorks.
    These girls will absolutly have the send off they deserve. We do so much in the daycare setting that they will in no way be left out, be made to feel awkward or be losing out on anything by not going to a party which they won't even be aware of. I know my comments may read as excluding the girls based on their parent's relationship with me breaking down, but thats not the intention. Its simply a factor of not spending more money on them when they are the cause of my hardship at this expensive time of the year. Oh and did I mention its my son's 10th birthday on December 24th. $$$$ Also, spending 3 hours in a room with people who I feel have trampled all over my heart, may cause some awkwardness. I am also not going to spend that time kissing their asses just to make them feel less awkward in the situation. Drop off and pick up are fine as it is so brief. We still chat casually about the kiddies and discuss anything that we are working on together with regards to toilet training, sleeping habits, behaviour etc etc.

    Reading these comments has made me see things from different angles. I am trying to not let my bitterness and raw feelings cloud my best judgement, but I still think not inviting them is the right thing to do by ME.

  16. #10
    Euphoric ! bright sparks's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Cocoon;30885] Were you going to give them notice for only for the early mornings or whole together? QUOTE]

    I had a program that would have worked for me Mon, Wed and Friday mornings and they drop off at 6:30am on M,T,Th so I was going to ask if she could drop off at 7:15/7:30 on a Monday to accomodate my needs. She is a teacher who car pooled when she originally came to me. She needed the early drop off so she could save substantially on gas money. She is a teacher making a 50-60 minute journey to her school. This is the commute time, even with traffic. She no longer car pools and I have often thought why she needs to be getting to school for 7:20-7:30. There have also been some occasions when she has stood at the door chatting for 10 minutes which was really irritating. I thought that this would have been something she could accomodate as it was just one morning per week, but ultimatly had she not been able to, I probably would have caved and not enrolled in my program.

    Funny how she took the decision away from me and now I can look after myself with nothing preventing me. Just the timing is way off.

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