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  1. #1
    Euphoric ! bright sparks's Avatar
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    Give me strength

    Okay folks. I'm looking for some good advice here. This is my situation.

    I have been dealing with 1 particular family for just over 2 years. I had the dcg from age 12 mths and she is 3 now. I started full time care for the brother in August but had him a good 2 or 3 days per week for months before that. He is now 16 months. The kids are great and I have a great relationship with the parents. All in all we are on the same page except when it comes to discipline. We don't necessairily but heads, its simply that she doesn't discipline at all.

    When the dcg was around 2, she would have all your typical tantrums etc etc and she is definitely a bit of a drama queen and mum would at the most say don't do that or no but would never get down to her level and use a stern voice, put her on time outs or take control of a situation. She is of the mindset that she will give her no attention at all, but this went on for close to a year and made it a harder job for me to deal with hear. Even yesterday when she lies on the floor at pickup time being all awkward and whiney, her mother just says the same old don't do that in the most passive tone possible. No wonder the little girl pays no attention and so I pick her up off the floor and tell her that this is not acceptable behaviour and while the bottom lip comes out with her sulk, she stops.

    Well here is the thing. She is so predictable and when she gets in trouble from me, she reacts with the expected crying and whining. Her brother on the otherhand doesn't. I know some of this is to do with his age, but he is advanced in communication as his sister was. He says a lot and can follow instructions such as todying up and getting things, put your hand in the paint. He has a good understanding. However, he is becoming a real trouble causer who doesn't blink an eye if you tell him off and all mum does is ignore him which from what I'm observing is effecting her daughters behaviour because she is seeing her brother get away with stuff she knows is wrong.

    He is stealing toys and running away laughing. He hits the other kids on the head with toys and breaks all their buildings. I know this is a normal stage for some kids and he really is a lovely little boy, but this kind of behaviour is disruptive to the other kids and I am more concerned with where this is going to when he is 2 and 3. but I am struggling with 1. Coming up with an effective method of discipline and 2. Getting through to this parent that she has to help me by disciplining him.

    If I get down on his level and tell him that we do not throw, or no hitting he either laughs at me, kisses me or stares at me. Never a tear, a sob or any sign of being upset for getting in trouble or showing remorse. Usually with kiddies at this age if they here a stern voice they cry really easily. He knows its wrong, and at first I too thought it was an attention thing, but I think he actually wants less of the adult attention and more to see the other kid get upset. I move him out of the situation if something happens and I also try to redirect as often as possible, but I know at home its different, I have been there and seen it. Mum is busy and the kids are playing and the boy just gets the blind eye turned at him all the time.

    Please Pleas Please, some words of wisdom as to how to deal with this before he ends up going through the bratty stage that his sister did as a result of poor behaviour management.

  2. #2
    Euphoric ! Dreamalittledream's Avatar
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    This can be so frustrating; I have a relative who is also very passive with disipline and non-existent follow through...but, for sure, her children know that they do not get away with that here. Something that worked for me was to do time out in a booster chair with tray (something about being restrained until the timer went, worked well for my child like this) and give all kinds of positive attention to the child that was hurt/disrupted. As well, to give the 'offender' all kinds of positives when he is being good (one thing I do is carry mini-gummy bears and hand them out as a rare treat "great sharing Timmy, here's a gummy bear)". Just my 2 cents.
    Children are great imitators.
    So give them something great to imitate.

    ~Anonymous~

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  4. #3
    Euphoric !
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    That's definitely one of my pet peeves. If you aren't using a stern voice with a child when they do something unacceptable how will they ever learn? You don't have to spank them for pete sake, just use a stern voice and a stern face and they will understand. I think the parents need to do it the most because they are the people that children love the most. It isn't always as effective coming from other people.

    All I can tell you is that I've seen it happen again and again. My rules are followed at daycare by all the children and they behave well because I'm clear with my expectations of them and always consistent. Then when their parents arrive they sometimes turn into little monsters because they know they can get away with murder with their parents!

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  6. #4
    Euphoric ! kidlove's Avatar
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    Been my experience that no matter what you try you can't really change this type behavior IF it's not being worked with at home, and it seems no matter how how try you probly won't be able to get through to this Mom, sounds like she has her parenting style pretty set. The ONLY thing you can do is work with the children while in your care and teach them while in your home they do and act by your rules. I have had this many times and you will drive yourself bonkers if you let it really get to you. Just work with them and make sure they know the difference of you and Mom. But how the Mother allows them to behave will always outweigh your influence. The best advice I can give is to be very firm on what is expected when with you, and you can attempt to portray that to mom, whenever possible. In a dream world, she will notice they listen to you and behave well when you are around, then ask you what it is that you do....then the ball is in your court. In 10 years, this happened a couple times for me, very rewarding to have a parent ask, listen and follow through. Dont hold your hand on your hiney though, you can't change the way they parent, can only change the way the child behaves when with you! good luck!

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