I'm at a loss... (Long)

[Mamma_Mia]

I have a (almost...in 9 days) 3yr old boy in care and from day one it's been one challange over another. He's been with me for over 5 months and has a 5yr old sister who comes after school only. She's been awesome.

He is quite baby'd at home still, mom still carries him to my door every morning. <eye roll> He cries a full attack each morning....I mean ugly cry. We've tried the quick drop off, the time out etc. he wont stop. But of course once mom leaves he stops asap. He breaks down and cries at/over everything. At first he wouldn't play with anyone at playgroup (its the same kids 3 times a week) just sit againt the wall hugging one toy. If anyone talked to him, even said hello he'd have a crying fit. It got to the point where I had to force him to play, I'd tell him that's enough sulking/crying...go play! That took about one month and he's now starting to play with the other kids. BUT if you stop him and ask if he wants a drink/snack/potty he will bring on the waterworks again.

At my home he doesn't move one inch. My daughter tries to get him to play with her (he's 2mos older than her) and if she touches him or calls his name - crying. I'll have the tv on while I'm prepping lunch and for the Wiggles at 4pm (its their favorite) and he is one of those children that tunes out the world and is GLUED to the tv. So I don't leave it on more often because he does nothing. I try to give him ideas...puzzles, lego, books. He will go to it, sit and hold onto one peice....do nothing and if he catches me looking he will pretend to "play" and a smile holding back tears. If we go outside he will just walk back & forth looking lost and looking at me over 1000x's just waiting for the words "time to go in". No slide/swings/sea-saw/riding cars....nadda.

He started potty training here and has been great with it...only a handfull of accidents. I have been focusing on teaching him is numbers, letters, colours (mom told me he didn't know any and the last provider didn't teach him either). Well we had the colour red for 2 weeks....he still can't name me one letter/shape/number nothing. He just stares at you and you guessed it....cries.

Mom says "this isn't like him, I dn't know what's wrong" but 15yr old sister confirmed LAST WEEK that he cries all the time at home for everything.

One thing he' great at is sleeping. This kid will sleep all day any chance he gets. Mom says he's had a full ngihts rest and thinks it's weird since he wont nap at home. Eating was not an issue until last week when he stopped eating anything. Mom used to say he's going to eat them out of house & home and he did eat a LOT. Now just the mention of it being lunch time causes for a meltdown. Mom this morning says that she doesn't want to force him to eat. Well he's had NOTHING all day today and has had about 4 sips of his water. ALL DAY. thats not a good sign IMO. Yesterday was a treat day and we went to McDonalds which he used to ask for daily in the begining....he even refused that.

I've also noticed recently he's been doing a weird gesture with his mouth/tounge. It's like he's sticking out his tounge but rubbing it over the top of his mouth top lip....kinda like a licking of the lips but almost on the "down syndrom" side.

I'm worried that he has some underlying issues and mom isn't paying attention too them. When we first met she said her daughter who's 5 has a 'slight' autistic "in her" where she shuts down and will take a while before talking to me and panics in large group settings i.e. playgroups, parks etc.......I don't think mom is opening her eyes to her 'baby' who has more issues (in my opinion) than the sister does, she gives me NO problems!!

So HELP?! Please!!

I can't get rid of this family (we're in a bad $$ spot) and they really didn't do anything WRONG but boy-oh-boy is it hard to connect with him. Just the sound of his cry gets my back arched....not fun. I want to try to get him at a better place and am finding a hard way of doing it.

[JennJubie]

I'd wonder if maybe this little guy has an anxiety disorder?

[Mamma_Mia]

you're not the first person to say that exact same thing...hummmm

[Momof4]

What I say to parents is this: I've noticed in the peer group setting............. .do you notice this at home? It's best to gently tell the parents what you are seeing and ask them if they can check into it with their doctor as the first line usually and watch for it at home because in a large group at daycare things are very different than they are on a one on one situation at home.

That way you are pointing out your concerns and telling the parents that you are not at all insulting their parenting but trying to be helpful and want to do a good job and care a lot for the child.

What you are describing in this child is not normal by any means. Sometimes you have to bring things up to the parents over and over but not every day to get them to gently understand there is a serious problem. So many parents have a hard time admitting there is a problem with their child. If they only realized that the quicker they get help for their child the better.

However, you don't want to be the bad guy. You want to be the unspoken hero for this child because believe me it's rare that you ever get kudos for pointing out the real truth.

[Mamma_Mia]

Thank you Momof4 - I'm thinking of getting some articles for comps to say that I came across this info which may be of some help....type of thing. I know what you mean, in a parent's eyes anyone who points out something "weird" in their child is the bad guy. I'll have to be careful.

I appreciate you validating my feelings, I was starting to think if it was just me but after speaking with this forum & some in person ladies they too agree something's up.

Thanks again

[Inspired by Reggio]

Do any of your playgroups every have 'professionals' come in? Some of the ones I attend run by the OEYC have speech and language and behaviour consultants come in on occassion to answer parent and caregivers questions ... maybe you could ask one of them to have a 'off the record observation' of him in a peer setting and pass along some information and just say to the client 'we were at peer playgroup today and they had someone in doing Nippising or whatever and they asked me to pass this information along to all my clients' .... passive aggressive way of getting some resources into their hands about developmentally appropriate stages for this little man and the red flags that they might be seeing verses you might be seeing?

[Mamma_Mia]

Do any of your playgroups every have 'professionals' come in? Some of the ones I attend run by the OEYC have speech and language and behaviour consultants come in on occassion to answer parent and caregivers questions ... maybe you could ask one of them to have a 'off the record observation' of him in a peer setting and pass along some information and just say to the client 'we were at peer playgroup today and they had someone in doing Nippising or whatever and they asked me to pass this information along to all my clients' .... passive aggressive way of getting some resources into their hands about developmentally appropriate stages for this little man and the red flags that they might be seeing verses you might be seeing?

That's a great idea! I will look ino our schedule re: visits. Thank you!