I need a push !

[crafty]

Yuk ! Today a child arrived at daycare with what I considered dirty clothes but I tought whatever they are going to get even more dirty ... Until I changed is diaper and noticed that the insides of his pants where full of dried poop !!! OLD dried poop as he had not had any yet. OMG I am so fed up with this family ...especialy since that flea incident. I mean I am having such a hard time now, I still have some resentment or disgust with them ...now this !! I soooo want to terminate them but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am a tough love type of person, I usually never have a hard time saying what needs to be said ...why can't I just write them up a termination letter. Especialy after they have told me since August but nothing really happens. I use to like to chat to the mom and tought they were actually nice poeple just clueless and LOVED the child now I'm scared catching more bugs or whaveter from him. When they walk in the door it smels like cat pee. I am totally disgusted and I hate having my own children around them. I feel horrible thinking this about them this way but I do. I feel awfull writting this about them to. And I just CANT seem to write the stupid termination letter.... WHY !? I know when I started this business I wanted to be dedicated to the children and I still feel this way so I feel like I would be letting him down because of his clueless parents and maybe I don't have a solid enough reason to terminate. The parents still pay on time and follow the policies...It could be worst really.

Can any of you say something that would help me make a decision that I would be happy with. Wheather it is terminating or not I can't come to terms. with it right now. I have been thinking of terminated for a while now.

Thanks for allowing me to vent a little bit and if any of you have feedback to give.

[apples and bananas]

I used to have a family that was a pain in my butt! They were one of the first families i signed on. They picked up right on the minute every day, paid at the very last moment, the kids were not following the same routine at home as here, the younger was a pusher, the older was a sneak. She used to talk about her friend the social worker. She would give me pamphlets on dealing with toddlers and why not to spank all because her son was having aggression issues here. It was insulting! But most of all, I was seeing a lot of red flags with the literature and the hint of the social worker friend. She even brought a friend into my house one day, after the fact I realized that I bet that was her... checking me out.

So, I saw an opportunity (3 lates in a row) and I gave her the letter. I hated doing it! It was hard to justify since I had put up with all of this for a year. It came as a huge shock to her, she got very upset, emailed somethings she didn't mean I'm sure and I haven't seen her since.

It was such a nice feeling once they were gone. Not just because I didn't have to deal with the family anymore, but because I felt that I finally controlled my business. I made a decision and stuck to it!

This is your home, you have a responsibility to both your kids and all your daycare kids and if you have a feeling that this family could cause issues or concern then you're best to move on. Give them sufficient notice, and try to make it as nice as possible. Expect them to be upset.

Most of all, get a great deal of satisfaction that you controlled your business! Your house, your rules, you get to choose who comes in and out. Otherwise, why do we do it?

[BlueRose]

When you think of this family, what is the first thing that comes to mind?
is it "terminate" or something alone that line?
if so then you have already made up your mind, now sit down write the letter and give it to them.
if the first thing that comes to mind is "give them one more chance', then you need to sit down and right out all the reasons why. if you can't think of any, then you know what to do, terminate.

[Lou]

Wow, this child sounds just like a child I took care of in my 'Centre Care' days. She always came in wreaking of cat pee and smoke...her hair was knotty and greasy...and since she had many toilet accidents we asked Mom to send in more extra pairs of underwear and get this: she sent in her back pack a pair of XXL woman's underwear, unwashed, with feces still in it. It was beyond disgusting and CAS was called on numerous occasions.
Has it reached a point of being THAT unsanitary for this child? Do you believe he is living in unsafe/unclean condition? It might be something to consider.
And yes, the reason you are not terminating them is because you feel for the child...it's not his fault that his parents are losers, and I don't blame you a bit for feeling a sense of revulsion. It's gross, no doubt about it.
Definitely, address his state of hygiene upon arrival today...perhaps send a note reminding them to please be sure that _____arrives clean, with clean clothes on a daily basis for sanitary reasons. This will be their warning...give thema chance to turn it around immediately or show them the door and call CAS.

[crafty]

Wow, this child sounds just like a child I took care of in my 'Centre Care' days. She always came in wreaking of cat pee and smoke...her hair was knotty and greasy...and since she had many toilet accidents we asked Mom to send in more extra pairs of underwear and get this: she sent in her back pack a pair of XXL woman's underwear, unwashed, with feces still in it. It was beyond disgusting and CAS was called on numerous occasions.
Has it reached a point of being THAT unsanitary for this child? Do you believe he is living in unsafe/unclean condition? It might be something to consider.
And yes, the reason you are not terminating them is because you feel for the child...it's not his fault that his parents are losers, and I don't blame you a bit for feeling a sense of revulsion. It's gross, no doubt about it.
Definitely, address his state of hygiene upon arrival today...perhaps send a note reminding them to please be sure that _____arrives clean, with clean clothes on a daily basis for sanitary reasons. This will be their warning...give thema chance to turn it around immediately or show them the door and call CAS.

Well I don,t think at this point it's CAS issue really... I think it's their way. The parents are young and don,t know any better. They also have a low income which makes things difficult for them. I don't doubt the child is cared for at home but the parents could be overweahled beeing so young with all these responsabilities. The mom spends the week mostly by hersef with the child. All grand parents are too far to help over the week. One thing I am sure of they certainly don't know about good nutrition or maybe don't really value it. The hygiene issue I think could be due to a lack of organisation and knowledge. I don't think it's to a point of abuse or neglectfull to a point that I worry about the child's safety but it's not healthy and is disgusting. It's hard for me to explain in english terms but I think the word is clueless... it's just no worries and clueless. If all the things that has happened with this child would have happened to my child I would have been purple with embarassement.... But not them.

Urgh ! It"s that my feelings for these people are becoming negative and I HATE that and I also feel guilty about it.

Thanks for all your comments...they are helpfull and I will sit down and really try to find the reason why ...as Valerie suggested. I think this will help .

[torontokids]

Hey Crafty,

I am new here but I read your post and I wonder if your concerns around termination might be connected with your desire to be able to monitor the situation and ensure the safety of the child? Or perhaps you are the one stable/organized thing for this child right now?

Unfortunately you have an obligation to report the neglect as a child care provider. It isn't our job to decide whether or not the neglect is a "safety concern" but for the CAS to investigate and figure things out. Maybe they are just overwhelmed but there is still support out there for them. I have had families in the past as a result of CAS involvement get connected to all sorts of programs, subsidies, camps etc just for having gone through the intake. The CAS isn't in the business of "snatching" kids anymore as is their reputation but they have changed their mandate to help keep families together by offering support to prevent that breakdown. They may hate you for it (they will be scared to get the call from CAS of course)but that shouldn't be your concern. I wonder, if they are sending the child to your program with dried feces (this is what they are showing you) what is happening at home?

Here's some info for you re: reporting neglect, abuse etc.

http://www.children.gov.on.ca/htdocs...andneglect.pdf

I don't know how old the child is but it is our job to speak up for children as they can't speak for themselves.

You can always call intake and do a "consult" where you share your concerns anonymously and they will let you know if a formal report needs to be made or if they will just encourage you to continue offering support for this family. If you are considering terminating the family then who knows what will happen to this child with no one looking out for them.

[Monday 2 Friday Mama]

Oh....what a mess. =( Poor kid - and poor you for being put in this position. At the risk of sounding totally b**tchy, I think I would start looking for a replacement child NOW. Once you find a good family, you can notify this family that you will no longer be able to care for their child. I remember your previous post about fleas, and this post about fecal matter is (IMO) the final straw. You have other children in your care, and you have to maintain a certain standard of cleanliness/hygeine in your home - it's a health and safety issue. Not to be too graphic, but little ones put all kinds of things in their mouths. You can not in good conscience allow a child to be part of your group if their parents can't even be bothered to observe basic social norms about cleanliness. Find your replacement family, and calmly and quietly notify the parents that you will no longer be able to provide care for their child. Don't feel guilty/badly about explaining to them why you are no longer caring for this child. As I said, you have to maintain a clean environment for the health of all the children in your care. Would they like it if their child was playing with a child who was dirty every day ? Most likely not. If you are very nervous about conflict and really don't have the stomach to discuss the "real" reason that you are terminating care, you can just tell the parents that you have decided you would prefer to care for fewer children, and that while you appreciate the inconvenience this will cause them, in the long term it is in the best interests of the child. Point them towards a childcare website (kijiji or godaycare) and let them know when their last day will be. The end.

[bright sparks]

Having had my children in the UK, I am not 100% clear on how things work here, so correct me if I'm wrong.

Regardless of the age of a parent or financial situation, their child should be clean. These are not good enough reasons. Sounds like they are short on support and guidance and maybe they are somewhat clueless but the only excuse for being dirty is having no washer, no sink with water and no soap!!! My washer broke down last week and I had to wait a week to replace them. If I didnt have the money to go to a laundrette I would have asked a friend or washed the necessities by hand. I am also a young parent, just turned 30 with a nearly 12 year old and a 10 yr old, and my age doesn't play a role in my ability to care for my children even in the early days. Whats missing from these parents is......common sense. Now they may not be totally at fault for this obviously their upbringing and the people who should have taught them basic life skills are to blame also. I would hope that if you called CAS, that they would step in not to take the child away but to support the parents in the areas where they needed help. Would they not do that??? I would hope so but I think that it is at a point where at least it would be a good idea to call and speak to CAS for advice.

If all else fails, I would write the note that someone suggested and if it doesn't change things then I think you can more than justify terminating. Especially as what you describe is a health risk to everyone in your house.

If I was looking after this child, while I decided what to do or was in the process of terminating, I would take care of the child in the meantime. bathe them and wash their clothes. NO this is absolutly not my job, and not plesant to do, but it is the best thing for the child if in the meantime the CAS are doing something. I'd be afraid that if you terminate without reporting this that nothing is going to change and things will possibly get worse even with another provider. I think that this is a neglect situation and the statement you made...

I don't think it's to a point of abuse or neglectfull to a point that I worry about the child's safety but it's not healthy and is disgusting.

kinda contradicts yourself.

If it isn't healthy then it isn't safe for the child or others coming into contact with them.

Call CAS and ask for their advice. What harm can it do and if you do terminate at least you will know you did everything you could, right?

Good Luck. This child is lucky to have you.

[crafty]

I get your points about CAS maybe I will call and find out just what can/should be done. Bacause I do feel he could have better care but he's not necessairly neglected or at risk.

Just to clarify things, this child is not ALWAYS dirty. I know the parents do laundry during the weekend ONLY at their parents place... so they could have picked up the clothes mistakenly. Don't forget I can't put ALL the information I have on one post. When I meant unhealthy I was thinking more about is diete at home as from what mom tells me they had for diner is mostly boxed stuff. The flea incident ...mom tought the problem resolved simply by putting a color around the cat. So she knew of the problem and tought she adressed it. So I don't see it as neglect just ignorance ... but yeah how far the ignorance or lack of judgment can go and actualy be harmfull.. You guys got a point there for sure.

Thanks for the link.

[Momof4]

Crafty, I have a friend who is a HDCP and she was actually bathing a little girl in her care who was never bathed and stunk with the addition of stale cigarette smoke on top of that. They couldn't stand to be near her and the other children were asking why she smelled funny. She hoped that when she bathed the child the parents would catch on because she was unsure how to bring up the subject of cleanliness. Eventually she terminated the family because she couldn't stand it any longer. It took her a long time to reach her last straw so to speak and I have a feeling you will know when it's time for you.