3 year old having difficulty adjusting...parents want to pull her out?!?

[momof4inpink]

I have a pair of dcg's sisters, first week 17 mth old pretty much cried non stop. 3 year old seemed ok, but not really engaged. Second week 17mth old, has come around adjusted well, even cuddling with me. (not to mention that I happened to wean her from warm milk bottle habit before naptime, that very week) was a surprise from parents that very start day, and I had no idea?? Also 3 year old apparently had done the same, I did not comply. Same parents wanting me to limit 3 year old naps to 20-30 minutes. This past week 3 year old has given dad a real hard time at drop off. The friday before literally I delt with her screaming for almost an entire hour and a half after he left never have I experienced this before. So 3 year old is defently not adjusting well, not engaging in activities, very needy wanting me to do all activities for her, baby talking, and whinning that its too hard stacking blocks, puzzles, coloring etc... wanting me to do them for her. Dad is really struggling with being the authoritive figure at drop off allowing dgd to bargin, complain, etc... Yesturday she was being her typical defiant self, and refused to eat her lunch, which was made for her the previous week and she loved it. I send both parents an email notifying them of my concerns of her negative behaviours.,. which are not just limited to the defiant arrivals, jumping on furniture, bullying little ones, not engageing etc.. The childrens history as I know it, goes as is. Nanny, daycare provider, and now me in 6 mths. A lot of transition for them I realize. Parents tell me that they are shocked that her behaviour is so negative, as this has NEVER happened before. I say yes I have never had children not want to come to my dayhome, it is usually the total opposite and they kick and scream to stay. Dad phones me lastnight to voice his concerns and says that it maybe not the right "fit" as I do have a 2 week probationary period. Which these girls have missed 3 days due to illness in this time frame So he tells me that we will see how the next week or so goes and then judge things. I tell him that I am more than willing to put the effort into this and obviously it is going to take a little longer than I had expected for her to adjust. I Texted with mom back and forth today, as sisters are not in attendance, she confides in me telling me that dgd has never acted this way, and dgd sais she doesnt get any hugs or kisses, misses her friends from previous dayhome etc.. Yes I have been a little stand offish waiting for 3 year old to come to me, even offering her affection which she has declined Same 3 year old dcg also tells me that mommy and daddy allow us to jump on the couches at home, as I am telling her to sit on her tushy properly I am unsure as to what to do, I basically told mom that I would like to finish off the month as this is a huge financial setback for my family to fill 2 spots in 2 weeks She tells me that if it was up to them they would maintain myself as thier childcare giver, as they really do like me etc... etc... nothing I have done is wrong. My question is to everyone, would you allow your 3 year old to determine the path for thier own childcare needs based on thier feedback to thier parents. They are soley decideing to pull her out of my care from her reactions, stories, tantrums and transition to a new dayhome based on 9 days of care, missing 3 days off being sick. What if 3 year old comes around in the next 2 weeks and parents, say hey she's happy now we want to stay should I even consider it? what happens the next time she decides to protest on something she may not like at my dayhome.

[kidlove]

what are they planning to do with the little sister? keep her with you and bring the three year old to the old dayhome? Sounds to me like they moved to a new daycare because when baby two came the current one didn't have room? am I right? if thats the case, I am very sure they have the second one on wait for a spot at that same daycare and I am sure they will pull her as soon as that space opens up, or they could be waiting for younger sibbling to reach certain age to fit into this other providers opening and will again, leave you high and dry. This same thing happened to me, my advice to you is, let these ones go and advertise for the open spots right away. in the mean time, I think i would ask parents straight up, if they plan to remove the younger child as soon as room opens in the other day care. just get it out in the open.

[momof4inpink]

what are they planning to do with the little sister? keep her with you and bring the three year old to the old dayhome? Sounds to me like they moved to a new daycare because when baby two came the current one didn't have room? am I right? if thats the case, I am very sure they have the second one on wait for a spot at that same daycare and I am sure they will pull her as soon as that space opens up, or they could be waiting for younger sibbling to reach certain age to fit into this other providers opening and will again, leave you high and dry. This same thing happened to me, my advice to you is, let these ones go and advertise for the open spots right away. in the mean time, I think i would ask parents straight up, if they plan to remove the younger child as soon as room opens in the other day care. just get it out in the open.

No I know that the old dayhome closed, so they really needed care for both of them. I realize that both dcg's are needy as mom admits, that isn't my issue really. I have no problem showing affection to anyone of my dc kids. Its the way I feel that this 3 year old is basically manipulating her paretns in believeing that I am giving her poor quality care yet her younger sister has adapted very well after she has gotten over the inicial shock of change. All my other daycare kids are happy, but her.

[bright sparks]

I don't have a probationary period as no two children are alike and I don't think that 2 weeks gives any child a fair amount of time to settle. Some kids just take longer than others. For a 3 year old having no consistancy at least for the last 6 months as you explained, in my mind it may take longer for her to adjust. I personally wouldn't have given the parents so much feedback as they have a tendancy to over react because of course this is their child. What this child needs to break this poor behaviour pattern is consistancy, structure and caregiver and parents being on the same page. I don't think the 3 year old should be allowed to determine the daycare day or how the house is run at home by being so demanding and with the misbeahviour, but as long as people keep passing her around and the parents keep giving in it's just going to be the same old thing over and over. I would tell the parents that if they are comfortable then I would like to work with them for as long as it takes to have her happy to come to daycare and settle in. Thats just how I would handle it and obviously the reality with other kids in your care is that this can't go on indefinitly so I would put a reasonable time limit on it to then sit down and review it. Maybe 6 to 8 weeks. Also while I know a lot of providers on here wouldn't do anything after regular hours, I would have a face to face meeting with BOTH parents prior to the time period to discuss what you will be doing and what they will be doing so you can work together to curb this behaviour. I think with these things put in place and your agreed methods of dealing with this behaviour then she could be a lovely child to have in your daycare its just a matter of helping her get through this rather than just letting her go. Good Luck

[daycaremom9]

My biggest pet peeve is when parents allow their children to manipulate myself and them. They're basically allowing a child to decide what is right for them. How on earth can a young child know what is good for them. Shouldn't the parent be making that decision? Ugh!

[Crayola kiddies]

I would not give so much feed back .... I live in a rural area and although I am full months can go by with out an inquiry so I never say I am having a problem if I there is one I just work through it and I've never had a child that didn't eventually transition

[Inspired by Reggio]

Oh good lord ~ if you start letting your 3 YEAR OLD CHILD determine if they go to childcare or not the mother might as well quit her job and stay home because if she learns throwing a 'fit' gets her to not have to go the fits will just ESCALATE!

My children love it here but given the choice what child does not want to be with a PARENT ... and even though my crew love it here there are times they come in complaining they would just rather be at home ~ heck how many of us love our jobs but some days we just rather stay in bed ~ children are no different it does not mean they cannot thrive in the program if supported and encourage to focus on it is not a choice we all have to be here so let us make the best of it!

I know that 'red flag' parenting articles indicate that a child not wanting to 'be left at daycare' is a potential indication of it not being a match or a high risk issue ... however that advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt becomes sometimes crying is a normal stage of development when you are factoring in the child's age, personality, temperament and what is going on in the home life and so forth!

This poor child has been through so many changes from the sounds of it ~ her behavior while totally inappropriate is understandable given the circumstances as she is likely ANGRY that she no longer has first her nanny and than her last provider and friends she made there are gone to and she is in this 'new place' now ... she is acting out in an attempt to gain some control over herself and depending on how smart she is she could make the connection that if I behave bad enough many Momof4inpink wont want me to come here and maybe I can go back to previous friends!

Personally I would be talking to the parent about ways to help her through this while STAYING if you want to try and if they are happy with you, your program and so forth and the other child is obviously happy and thriving that it is clear that this is '3 year old behavior' and not an issue with your program .... if they change programs AGAIN the behavior is just going to FOLLOW because it WORKED!