Attachment to Objects

[Bookworm]

Hey Ladies, this doesn't pertain to daycare necessarily, but want to get your input on this.

My daughter is 3.5, will be 4 in May. She, for some reason, gets overly attached to items, whether it be clothes, toys, etc. If my husband and I mention getting rid of something (whether donating, giving it to someone, or throwing it out) she gets very upset, starts crying and tells us not to get rid of it because she "loves it".
We've tried talking to her about how by donating our stuff we are helping other boys and girls etc., but she still gets upset. If I sell something on kijiji and she sees it going she cries etc. It has gotten to the point where if we are getting rid of something we do it when she is not around because she gets that upset.
We are buying a new car this weekend and when we mentioned getting a new car, she got upset because she loves our current one.
I can't really remember exactly when this all started, but I really don't know how to ease her concerns etc. I mean she got upset because she dropped her napkin on the floor at a restaurant and we gave her a new one. She didn't want the new one because she "loved" her one that dropped on the floor.
Anyone gone through this with their little ones? I'm hoping it's just her age and a stage, but I still find it a little funny that she gets this attached to items.

[daycarewhisperer]

You are confusing attachment with control. She's a little child. She just needs to know that it's not up to her. She doesn't get to decide.

If a napkin goes on the floor the ADULT knows that it's not sanitary to keep it. The ADULT decides that. She doesn't get an opinion. She's a very young child who couldn't possibly know what is best for her. Allow her the time in life where she doesn't have to know. Release her from her position.

You are adultizing her emotions. She's slick enough to use the highest form of adult words to get you to allow her a position. Saying "love" is the best way to get the adult to allow an opinion and position. If she said "I want to decide" would you be enamored by it? If she says "I love it" then your mommy adult heart believes she loves something as you know "love". She doesn't understand "love" she understands that she can engage and influence with THAT word and THAT behavior.

Give her back her rightful position as a child who doesn't have a "care" about stuff she's too young to understand and has no claim to. If she engages you on something that has no connection to a child's decision then just tell her to "leave it". If she persists tell her "you don't get to decide. I'm the adult and I decide".

Now if you want to have her input then grant her the powers to decide adult things. She will eventually take over things you don't want to grant Ilike the purchase of an expensive item like a car) so it's a slippery slope.

[mimi]

She associates the things with happy memories and they are a part of her household. To lose the item may make her feel vulnerable and she genuinely does care about the item. I remember watching my mother cry watching the new owner of the car they sold drive down the street. I couldn't understand at the time, but we had alot of good times in that vehicle and that was what she was mourning.
Perhaps you could see if she out grows this phase and not mention donating items for awhile. She is just a sensitive girl who feels her emotions deeply. I would rather have that than indifference.

[kidlove]

in terms of helping her get used to the loss of the old and the gain of the new, you could do things like: take her with you to pick up the new car and let her strap her seat into in or put special books and toys in compartments to her her feel it is hers too.

[Bookworm]

Daycare whisperer, I understand what you are saying, but we do not let her decide what stays and goes. Not once in my post did I say her reaction to us giving away things etc.. influenced our decision. I was merely stating that my daughter has attachment issues with objects that she shouldn't have attachments to. I would never let my daughter decide whether or not we got a new car. We are getting one, she will have to deal with the loss of our old car. That is the purpose of my OP... how to help her deal with her emotions.
I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they did to ease her concerns about "losing" (in her eyes) something we/she once had.
We do tell her that we, as the parents, decide what stays and goes, but that doesn't mean she has to like our decision.
Mimi... You are right. She is a very emotional little girl.
I have started hiding the fact that we get rid of stuff...however, since some of the stuff is her clothes that no longer fit, or some toys they no longer play with.... she does notice, and then I have to deal with her being upset about it. She doesn't have to see me give it away, she just has to notice its gone. I half joke with my husband that we have a hoarder in the making. My husband and I don't attach a lot of importance to "items" and we try to model to her that we are happy to give stuff away to help other people. Hopefully, she will outgrow it.

[daycarewhisperer]

Daycare whisperer, I understand what you are saying, but we do not let her decide what stays and goes. Not once in my post did I say her reaction to us giving away things etc.. influenced our decision. I was merely stating that my daughter has attachment issues with objects that she shouldn't have attachments to. I would never let my daughter decide whether or not we got a new car. We are getting one, she will have to deal with the loss of our old car. That is the purpose of my OP... how to help her deal with her emotions.
I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they did to ease her concerns about "losing" (in her eyes) something we/she once had.
We do tell her that we, as the parents, decide what stays and goes, but that doesn't mean she has to like our decision.
Mimi... You are right. She is a very emotional little girl.
I have started hiding the fact that we get rid of stuff...however, since some of the stuff is her clothes that no longer fit, or some toys they no longer play with.... she does notice, and then I have to deal with her being upset about it. She doesn't have to see me give it away, she just has to notice its gone. I half joke with my husband that we have a hoarder in the making. My husband and I don't attach a lot of importance to "items" and we try to model to her that we are happy to give stuff away to help other people. Hopefully, she will outgrow it.

She is a part of the decision. She may not be able to keep everything but she gets you to "do" her about stuff after you let go of it. She's still in the game. You are hiding things from her so you don't upset her. If she truly doesn't get a say then toss or give away right in front of her and when she interjects herself tell her NO. Your wavering on this is what is causing her escalation. She's feeling you are weak and she's seizing the situation and interjecting herself.

She's a kid. Let her just be a kid. When she gets in adult business tell her to butt out. Don't hide it... don't reword it... do it right in front of her and tell her to "leave it". She doesn't get to decide, she doesn't get an attachment.

You are petting an unstable mindset and she is getting worse. Take it over NOW and release her from this anxiety. She's begging you to do that but you don't see it.

[giraffe]

You are petting an unstable mindset and she is getting worse. Take it over NOW and release her from this anxiety. She's begging you to do that but you don't see it.

At 3 years old her mind is still ruled by her emotions. It is developmentally NORMAL for the child to feel extreme emotions over things that seem insignificant to us.

[daycarewhisperer]

At 3 years old her mind is still ruled by her emotions. It is developmentally NORMAL for the child to feel extreme emotions over things that seem insignificant to us.

I don't really see the age of three being more or less emotional than any other age group.

It's our JOB to show them what is and isn't significant.

When things like this come up, I reccomend just trying the simplest solution first. Tell her "no" and then tell her what you want to do. "No little Missy... you can't have the napkin that fell on the floor. Take this new napkin". Then be done and move on.

"No little Missy... Mommy and Daddy decide what car we will have."

It doesn't have to be harsh... or in a strict tone. Just tell her what you will and won't accept and to leave it at that. We have managed to complicate parenting so much in the last decade. It really makes me shake my head. We need to stop putting adult emotions onto kids and start telling them what we want and what we will accept. It's okay to stop this in its tracks now at the young age of three without having much fuss or muss.

[ladyjbug]

I was like this as a toddler/younger kid. I particularly remember how heartbroken I was when my family sold our van that I grew up in, but toys/clothes/books bothered me too. One thing my parents did that helped me was to take a picture of everything that they sold/gave away and put it in an dollar store album for me. If it was clothes, there was a picture of me when I fit the clothes. That way, I could "visit" with the memories of that item at any time, but they could still give it away. I kept it in my clothes drawer. Over time I put less and less of the pictures in there, but it helped me that I could look at it whenever I wanted. I ended up marrying someone who purges the house pretty regularly of junk, so I did eventually get over it!

[Fun&care]

Just wanted to say that my son went through this stage at that exact age. I think it's pretty normal. It didn't last too long and he outgrew it, but I remember kinda scratching my head at the time...you just need to repeat why you are getting rid of something ( it's broken, it doesn't work anymore etc) , and focus on all the things that ARE still good and that she CAN keep. I don't think it's a control thing at all. I think they are just learning that all things come to an end. Now my son has no problem going through his closet and getting rid of things.