Separated parents

[sunnydays]

Just wondering if I should be concerned about separated parents who I am considering signing on to my daycare. Both parents came to the interview and they seemed quite amicable (in front of me) and I certainly don't want to discriminate in any way, but I am wondering if there are things I need to consider? So far all of my clients have been married, so I don't know if this may bring problems I have not anticipated?

[Inspired by Reggio]

Things I would consider are CUSTODY ORDERS and making sure it is CLEAR that without a legal court orders document on file that states otherwise to show the police you cannot deny one parent or another access to their child via pick up from your program ... this is the most common challenge is that things go sour and one parent decides the other should not have access ~ you cannot legally enforce that without a court order and if you TRY you could be charged with 'unlawful confinement' by the parent who you've been told cannot have access.

The other thing I make CLEAR in my policy for separated/divorced clients is that I am not a mediator, a family therapist or counselor so do not treat me like one, in the program parents are to provide a united from, be courteous and respectful of each other and not talk negatively about the other parent, they are to figure out a communication system and payment schedule between each other in private that ensures that all policies in the program are followed and so forth ~ failure to follow these expectations and the contract for service will be terminated immediately and the security deposit forfeited ... I do not want to be dealing with 'dad was suppose to pay this week' and other negative stuff ~ figure it out at HOME and ensure I am paid on time!

[michellesmunchkins]

Agree with Reggio. In the last couple years I have only had one separated family and it was truly awful. Payments were never made on time and when I asked about them it was always "oh it was Dads/Moms week' to pay you ask them...pick ups were always a disaster. I would be sitting here waiting for Mom to pick up at her time which was 3pm only to find out at 5pm that they changed weeks and Dad would pick up at 6. They texted me constantly with negative comments about the other...such as: I am short on diapers this week because child support wasn't paid, or Dad didn't give him a bath so he's coming to you dirty, etc.

I too make sure parents understand that I refuse to participate in any of their games or crap. I release the child to whatever parent shows up first unless a court order tells me otherwise. I could care less which parent pays me so long as one of them does and on time. They also know that I will not listen to or tolerate all the negativity, so if they can follow all that we are good to go...but if I'm being honest, I tend to stay away from the separated parents as I just don't want the hassle...just my opinion though

[apples and bananas]

I've been the seperated parent that takes their kid to a home daycare, but I'm yet to have seperated parents as clients.

If I were you I would want to consider who the primary residence parent is and then make sure it's clear that that is the parent you will have the most contact with. That's also that parent you will expect payment from.

I always made sure that I was the only point of contact for my provider when I was seperated. And the few times that I did let my ex drop off or pick up he was almost always late! Thank goodness I had an understanding provider.

I would probably also ask for a copy of the custody order just in case anything comes up and you need to enforce it.

[gramma]

all good comments so far. ive been through a divorce with a client and it was never easy. in my case, when dad was mad at his ex, he took it out on me by being rude or silent at the door. i tolerated it for the boys sake and no one else. definately ask for a copy of the portion of their agreement that deals with who pay for child care. i would also ask for posted dated cheques from whoever is responsible for paying and make sure that you issue separate receipts. i never had any payment issues, mom always paid me and didnt always get paid by dad. have a clear contrat that states that if they switch their schedule with each other that they need permission to alter the schedule with you and stick to it. i would also ask how long they have separated, the longer the better potentially because issues probably have been resolved. just be careful and protect yourself and be clear that you will not take sides, no speaking ill of the other and whatever you do, dont let either of them "lean" on you for support it will suck you into their troubles.

[Inspired by Reggio]

I will admit I am paranoid about the 'custody' thing because more than once we had children who were basically 'abducted' from the daycare by a parent who waited for the other parent to drop the child off and than came in and picked up the child and took off with the child ... the one case the mother had given the centre a 'letter' she had signed stating that the father was not to pick up the children anymore as she did not want him having access ~ when he tried to take her we called the mother and the police while trying to stop him he waited for the police to arrive and stated their was no court order denying him access and his wife was just being a 'beotch' and the police told us we had no choice but to release the child or they would have to charge the staff with unlawful confinement ~ the father took off with her and the mother had to fight in the courts for over 6 months to get access back and well it did not play well on HIM to behave like that because he ended up only getting 'supervised' visits because he had proven he could not be trusted.

I just wish that adults who choose to have children can put them FIRST when things go astray in the relationship between the two adults ~ I have not had to deal with any 'separation or divorce' since working from home thankfully but I do not tolerate conflict if it every arose and the clients could not be 'grown up and put their child first' they would be GONE cause no amount of $$ is worth dealing with that in my program and the negative impact it has on all the other children including the poor one in midst of the divorce ~ as much as I would empathize that the poor child needs stability in that time not at the expense of my entire program!

[sunnydays]

Thank you all for your feedback on this! I had thought of the custody thing, but not the other things mentioned...I will really have to think about this one. I didn't think to ask questions about what the arangements are in terms of primary residence, who is going to pick-up, who is paying, etc. If I decide to go ahead with this family I will have to ask a lot more questions to make sure.

[JennJubie]

All good comments! Another good friend of mine who also runs a home daycare had separated parents. She was actually friends with the Mom. She ended up with so many headaches and on one occasion had the police show up at her house because Mom phoned the police and sent them to her house to try to prevent him from picking up their daughter. No custody order, just a lot of emotional drama. The problem with theses situations is that they are so driven by emotion, which often does not leave room for clear, rational thought.

[playfelt]

One positive for sure is the fact that both parents came to the interview and that it isn't goign to be an arrangement with one parent only. I had a set of parents separate while in care and it went well. To this day they act like a married couple in terms of care/school events, etc. for the child.

Another set of parents came just like the ones you have now and I made them both sign the contracts as it says "parents of" on my forms. It meant both had agreed to all of my terms etc. and on the can pick up form were names from both sides and both parents had signed the form. Yes I had to be flexible knowing at any point there could be switches in which parent was picking up etc but in truth that happened less often than with my married parents because there were distinct rules about who had child what week. On the flip side just as we often do with a single parent is be a little bit more lenient with slightly late pickup etc. knowing there is no other parent to come instead.

If you do take them I would be very honest with them about potential concerns that could come up and let them know how you intend to handle them with the answer being immediate dismissal with no notice if behaviour and conflict becomes detrimental.

[sunnydays]

Yes, it could work out well. I think I am also concerned with the child though...who will be 2 and has been home with a babysitter...and who has perhaps been coddled a bit out of emotional guilt of the separated. Will give it all some thought...