''Discipline'' the child when parents are there ?

[daycarewhisperer]

The parents don't want to discipline because THEY will feel bad having not seen them all day.

Naw it's not because they feel guilt. They don't want the child to cry. They like the idea that their child gets to go nuts and act horrible because deep down inside them they wish they could do that too. They are quite comfortable with letting their kid get their bad bahviour on in your house because they pay you and you WILL put up with it or not get the money. They also feel their child should have their way and not be upset at all. Their kid deserves that because he/she is special and they are the child of their parents.

It's a combination of a lot of things but guilt isn't even on the radar.

[bright sparks]

Naw it's not because they feel guilt. They don't want the child to cry. They like the idea that their child gets to go nuts and act horrible because deep down inside them they wish they could do that too. They are quite comfortable with letting their kid get their bad bahviour on in your house because they pay you and you WILL put up with it or not get the money. They also feel their child should have their way and not be upset at all. Their kid deserves that because he/she is special and they are the child of their parents.

It's a combination of a lot of things but guilt isn't even on the radar.

I think a lot of parents are like this but please, don't paint every parent with the same brush. Guilt is most definitely on the radar for a lot of people.

[daycarewhisperer]

I don't allow parents to parent under my roof. I am the leader until they are off site. I also don't allow ANY violence in my home so when the child hit the parent it would upset me so much that I couldn't have the kid anymore. It's a deal breaker here. There's no amount of money worth me watching violence in my own home. It's not about them.... what's best for them... their needs... their child... their ways. It's just about ME and what I need in MY house. No judgements... I get that there are a lot of parents who are perfectly comfortable with that kind of violence... but I'm not and my dc kids sure the heck arent. Some of them have been here for four plus years and never seen anything violent happen here. I wouldn't want them to witness it or my other clients either. Too risky and too upsetting.

She would be told that it's never to happen again and I wouldn't allow her inside my house with the kid. I would have her deliever the kid to the door step and I would bring her in over the threshhold and receive the child at the outside of my house on the door step. If they made a scene from the front door to the car... then they would have to go. My neighbors wouldn't like that deal AT ALL and they are way higher priority in the food chain than any day care clients or kids. Day care kids come and go but my neighbors are here for decades. I want THEM to live in peace too.

[bright sparks]

I don't allow parents to parent under my roof. I am the leader until they are off site. I also don't allow ANY violence in my home so when the child hit the parent it would upset me so much that I couldn't have the kid anymore. It's a deal breaker here. There's no amount of money worth me watching violence in my own home. It's not about them.... what's best for them... their needs... their child... their ways. It's just about ME and what I need in MY house. No judgements... I get that there are a lot of parents who are perfectly comfortable with that kind of violence... but I'm not and my dc kids sure the heck arent. Some of them have been here for four plus years and never seen anything violent happen here. I wouldn't want them to witness it or my other clients either. Too risky and too upsetting.

She would be told that it's never to happen again and I wouldn't allow her inside my house with the kid. I would have her deliever the kid to the door step and I would bring her in over the threshhold and receive the child at the outside of my house on the door step. If they made a scene from the front door to the car... then they would have to go. My neighbors wouldn't like that deal AT ALL and they are way higher priority in the food chain than any day care clients or kids. Day care kids come and go but my neighbors are here for decades. I want THEM to live in peace too.

I am greatful to your contributions to this forum daycarewhisperer and find that quite often you present a different angle through your opinions on different subjects. I am interested in your comment about how if a child hit once that you would no longer accept them into your daycare. I was just wondering why you wouldn't work with a family and child to rectify this behaviour? I understand that you said that it is your need to have a violent free home, but I know that so many children act out physically and it isn't acceptable behaviour under any circumstances but I struggle with the idea of not doing anything about it other than sending them off to somebody else to deal with. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this as I know there has to be a line drawn when enough is enough but surely every child deserves a second chance and speaking for myself as a caregiver, investing my time in these children through good and bad is part of my role in the children's lives.

[daycarewhisperer]

I am greatful to your contributions to this forum daycarewhisperer and find that quite often you present a different angle through your opinions on different subjects. I am interested in your comment about how if a child hit once that you would no longer accept them into your daycare. I was just wondering why you wouldn't work with a family and child to rectify this behaviour? I understand that you said that it is your need to have a violent free home, but I know that so many children act out physically and it isn't acceptable behaviour under any circumstances but I struggle with the idea of not doing anything about it other than sending them off to somebody else to deal with. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this as I know there has to be a line drawn when enough is enough but surely every child deserves a second chance and speaking for myself as a caregiver, investing my time in these children through good and bad is part of my role in the children's lives.

It's a process. First the parents contact me and read my website where I have this: We have little behavior issues with our kids. They don't hit, bite, fight, or be mean to each other in any way. The love each other and treat each other with respect and admiration.


During the interviews we talk extensively about it. I let them know that I don't allow ANY violence. I tell them I WILL discipline their child in my home when they are here at drop off or pick up. If the kid is mobile I discipline them during the interview if they do something I don't allow so the parents see that I am VERY comfortable correcting their child in my house.

So the parents of older babies or toddlers know that I don't have violence so if their kid hits, figths, bites they don't hire me.

Next phase is to address the pre-violence behaviors which include any physical resistance, bucking/flailing while in the arms of the adult, pulling/grabbing on clothing, putting their hands to the face of the adult in a clapping motion, bycycle kicking during diaper changes as a resistance or flipping during a diaper change, pulling their hands away when the parent purposely has them clasped, and grabbing at hair. When they start that stuff as infants I address it with the parents and show them the techniques I have to get them to stop it.

I tell the parents THIS is the stuff they do before they start whacking at you... kicking you... pulling hair etc. I work with the parents to stop it at THAT level. With each interaction I have the parents know I mean business.

I say phrases like "I can't have that here" "he can't do that" "I can't have him kicking at me" "I can't have him grabbing my glasses" etc... when they are really little... like seven to twelve months.

By the time they are walking the parent knows the line. They are also talked to about these pre behaviors and I tell them pretty frankly that if the kid does that to THEM at home they need to TELL me so I can nip it in the bud here.

I also watch them from car to door. If the kid starts acting up on my property I open the door and SAY something. I don't let anything slide. I say "stop it", "knock it off", "NO", or whatever to get the kid to know I'm watching and the parent to know I mean it. I don't want my neighbors having to listen to a badly behaved kid a few feet away.

If I see an older baby grabbing at their moms (it's almost always the mom) I SAY something right there "NO johnny... leave it..." and show the parent how to turn the child away from them and put them on ignore or "shun" while we continue to talk.

Bit by bit they get it. The parents don't want bad behavior here and as their child ages they love the fact that they are safe to know they won't get hurt here. Their friends and family who have age mate children are getting hurt at day care and they proudly say their child doesn't act like that and they have NEVER been bit at their day care.

It's a process but it works. I'm never afraid to take over and I discipline them right in front of their parents. I let the parents know that I can't manage it and if they want this deal they have to be on the same plan. I've never had a kid raise their hand to me... not once in my 34 year career. They KNOW better from day one. The parents know I not only will not allow it towards me or the kids but I won't allow it between them and their kids under my roof.

One other thing.. is that the discipline/corrections with child and parent are VERY short and quicklike. I say what I have to say and then in a flash... I'm over it. I don't do therapy sessions. I don't do "I'm sorry's". I don't make a big deal of it once I've corrected or said my peace. I just MOVE ON to the next thing and act as if nothing happened. I am a super quick forgiver and I don't make too much out of it.

The parents know over time that I TRULY love love love love love their kids. I love them with every bit of my soul. I would give my life for them. When they really GET that you are coming from a pure heart and not any other place but what is best for yourself, the other kids, my kid, my property, and their kid they have an intrinsic trust. They may not LIKE every correction or redirection but they know for sure that it aint personal and I dig their kid. It's just my ways and the results are excellent.

[mimi]

Reggio, it is a Big rule in my daycare not to touch doors even if an older child wants to help by holding door open when we go outside. I remind them only Mimi can touch the doors. You are correct, it is the parents who need the discipline as well. This little guy with the diapers is now in pull ups because I said he wasn't to wear diapers here any longer and training must commence. At pick up he told his mom he peed in his pull ups to wish she told him that was perfectly o.k. I told her no, it is not o.k. If you allow it, then the pull ups become a diaper substitute. She didn't like me telling her that, but too bad. It is that attitude that has delayed his training!

[DisneyPrincess]

OMG LADIES THIS MORNING TOTALLY BACKFIRED ON ME ; the 3 y.o. girl was rude to her mother this morning, I SAID : REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT YESTURDAY, WE STAY NICE TO MOMMY IN THE MORNING.. the brat started crying, her mom was shocked when I told her my new way of ''no negativity'' and its been months that I try so hard with her and you know what, yesturday went great !! WELL AFTER A LONG ARGUMENT THAT ITS NORMAL FOR HER TO ACT THAT WAY AND SHE IS JUST EXPRESSING HERSELF AND MOTHER FEELS GUILTY SO... SHE DIDNT AGREE WITH ME, ALTHOUGH SHE ONLY HAD A FEW MONTHS LEFT SHE JUST GAVE ME HER 2 WEEKS NOTICE !!!!!

I SAID FINE ITS TOO BAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY, IVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO HELP AND UNDERSTAND HER AND.... YOU KNOW WHAT I ACCEPT YOUR TWO WEEKS NOTICE IN WRITING THEN.

IM FUMMMIIINNNNGGGG !!!

[kidlove]

disney: i have used timeouts for certain kids, not all though! different kids different discipline, what works for some definately may not work for others, I go with the parents opinion, I have had kids start to throw a fit and had the parent say I dont mind if he/she needs a time out, I will wait....this is speaking of the kid that when put in time out, does them good and they come out of it with a dif attitude than going in. Doesnt work for all but for those that it does work for, I offer that to the parent. I have also interfered with mothers putting their kids in the car seat with the kid kicking and screaming at them, I say.."do you mind?" they respond: "by all means", I give the child the "look" tell them to sit still and get buckled! they shut up, sit still and let me buckle...the Mother stands there in disbelief, "how did you do that!" I reply with the plain and simple..." when you are in control they are not, you just have to let them know you are in control, as easy as a look".....

[DisneyPrincess]

Wow you ladies have guts... I need to figure out what to do, cause it pisses me off seeing kids like that. sorry the language. And not just here, at the store or restaurant or others places. Watching Supernanny boils me to see parents gets treated that way and let it happen.

I have guts with everything else, getting parents to pay me on time, pick up on time, children listening to me all day, but the ''parents you cant control you kids, let me help you and show you how its done'' part LOL kindda hard. I feel I would be rude to the parents but I get your point ladies. My house, my rules !

[Inspired by Reggio]

.... but the ''parents you cant control you kids, let me help you and show you how its done'' part LOL kindda hard. I feel I would be rude to the parents but I get your point ladies. My house, my rules !

Just imagine us all standing behind you with our best Supernanny glare pose of 'you're the boss here ~ they really NEED this assertiveness from you to thrive both the children and the parents'

My clients have always been thankful of parenting advice and tips ~ I typically do not offer it unless truly needed basically keep my nose out of their parenting unless it is affecting their child's ability to cope in the program and counter conducive to the goals we have set together for their child or I see they are visibly struggling with a child or if they are 'venting' to me about issues at home and than always approach it professionally 'I can see you are struggling have you ever considered trying ...' or 'I empathize with how frustrated you are have you ever tried ...' followed by my suggestion of what I have seen work to correct those issues they are having.