Pushing SOS

[Spixie33]

I have three kids under 2 who are all within a few months of each other in terms of age. This is my second daycare group and I didn't have it with my first group but there is PUSHING INSANITY going on with this group.

Child A pushes Child C all the time. Often for no reason, sometimes because he gets too close.

Child C likes to alternate between smothering/hugging child B and pushing her.

Child B was great other than suffering through Child C but suddenly today she started pushing Child C away hard. I don't entirely blame her because Child C does not know how to keep his hands off of her and girls should be able to say no

But this pushing triangle is driving me batty. I am doing time outs, explaining that we don't push, giving the angry face, trying to show them the other child and show them that they hurt the child so they feel empathy, etc but NOTHING is working. We have done sorrys and hugs and everything in between but this problem is exhausting and it gets really bad when I turn my back.

Any suggestions other than a straight jacket for their hands?

[sunnydays]

Ugh...I have a 2 year old who pushes too. I need help too! Luckily for me, there is only one pusher in the group...but it is so tiring!

[monkeymama]

Spixie-I completely emphathise! All my under 2's are in a pushing, hugging like crazy phase. Its driving me nuts!

[Inspired by Reggio]

I would try to redirect them to things they CAN push?

Push a car, push a toy buttons and so forth so less attention is give for the 'hurtful' behavior ... at this age behavior is often cause by lack of impulse control (aka I want to push something and the kid is closest) or attention seeking behavior ... IME making the attention and focus being one what you WANT to see verses punishing the behavior with 'attention' cause even negative attention such as a time out and so forth is still attention where everyone is 'looking' at them and so forth results in more positive outcomes.

When children are wee and misbehave like that I would first stop the behave, I would hold the pusher hand in place so they cannot leave but I will first give all my attention to the child who was pushed 'oh look at your poor face ~ that made you sad lets dry those tears. Your friends should not push you ... tell your friend 'ouch don't push me' so the pusher is hearing the corrective message of empathy to look and see that the child is crying and sad what they did was WRONG but the attention is all focused on the injured child and not them they get no 'attention reward' for having pushed... than once the wee one who was pushed is in a good place and playing I than direct my attention to the pusher and just redirect the pusher to things they CAN push and give them attention for doing what I WANT ... yes that's right we push the car not our friends!

Works for a charm for me ~ keeping my redirection in a positive frame of thought keeps ME calm throughout the day and not in a place where I feel like I am saying no all day long and having the children not listening and so forth focusing on redirecting to desired behaviours also continually reinforcing the message in children's mind set about what IS expected of them.

In that nanosecond of decision making what is easier for one to focus on to get a task done ~ I will use an example that my driving instructor used with us .... you have just hit black ice and your vehicle is about to swerve out of control .... what do you instinctively do?

If while studying your handbook you focused on what NOT to do of 'don't hit the breaks' you know what you are going to remember in that nana second .... HIT THE BREAKS and that is what you will end up doing and we have a bazillion accidents on the roads to prove that .... however if you focused on what TO DO in a certain scenario you are going to more than likely take your foot off the break and steer into the skid because that is the message that is going to pop into your head first!

[Spixie33]

Interesting points Inspired by Reggio....I will try to focus on teh hurt child first.

I usually address the pusher first because I don't want the moment to pass or for them to forget what they did was inappropriate. I will try this positive approach and focusing on the victim.

I do feel like a monster these days saying 'no, no, time out" all the time. I am sounding like a broken record even to my own ears.

[Inspired by Reggio]

....I don't want the moment to pass or for them to forget what they did was inappropriate....

If they are standing right there beside you holding your hand while you talk to the injured child the moment is not passing ~ they are listening to what you are saying to the hurt child and so forth ... it never ceases to amaze me how much children pick up from 'listening and watching' what others are doing or saying ~ like the child who you think is not doing anything cause he does not engage in the story time or circle time songs one day you will hear him sitting there singing all the words to the familiar songs even though he has never once come and 'sat for circle time'.

[sunnydays]

Thanks Reggio! I KNOW that positive reinforcement works better, but sometimes I forget and revert to my old ways of constant negative attention "stop pushing"..etc. I need to remind myself of this as whenever I try it, it works ever so much better! That's why I love this forum I have been struggling with this 2 year old more and more and exhausted by the end of the day, but I know you are right...he is looking for attention in all the wrong ways and I am unwittingly encouraging him to do so... I know I won't have to wait long for my next opportunity to try the new approach as you described above...looking forward to seeing the reaction

[mom-in-alberta]

When children are wee and misbehave like that I would first stop the behave, I would hold the pusher hand in place so they cannot leave but I will first give all my attention to the child who was pushed 'oh look at your poor face ~ that made you sad lets dry those tears. Your friends should not push you ... tell your friend 'ouch don't push me' so the pusher is hearing the corrective message of empathy to look and see that the child is crying and sad what they did was WRONG but the attention is all focused on the injured child and not them they get no 'attention reward' for having pushed... than once the wee one who was pushed is in a good place and playing I than direct my attention to the pusher and just redirect the pusher to things they CAN push and give them attention for doing what I WANT ... yes that's right we push the car not our friends!

This is good to remember. It is so natural to focus on the hitter/pusher, but very often they ARE just looking for attention (any attention!).

[Spixie33]

So here is what happened after naptime....

I took your advice Reggio and held Child A's hand while being uber comforting and nice to Child C and his crying after getting pushed.

It went well and Child A looked confused and thoughtful.

Then the rest of the afternoon Child C would cry for every little thing and bump expecting the same reaction

LOL

I will have to work on this again tomorrow and see what happens.

BTW - anyone have any good advice to do about the excessive hugging that child C does to child B? He really goes after her and hugs and won't let go and then she gets away and he goes after her again for more hugs. I think it is a case of puppy love or something but poor child B is frustrated and so am I.

Child c does not seem to understand the idea of 'hands to yourself' and he isn't really doing something I can punish him for that much but Child B does end up crying often times because all the hugging gets too much for her.

[Momof4]

I have a 2 year old girl who is so frustrated with the youngest boys here who are always getting in her space. The baby doesn't understand but he's learning a lot faster than the clueless 2 year old boy who makes us all crazy. He's a whole long different story. However, my only answer is patience and consistently explaining that we can't push our friends, short timeouts with an apology after a talk, that's how I handle things then we move on with our day. But if she pushes anybody again we do the whole process over again and for as long as it takes until she gets it.

For the hugging, can you try to play hug yourself games with them and maybe this child will start to learn hands off sort of therapy? I would have to think about this when I'm not so tired to figure out an example, sorry.

But a straightjacket! You're a genius! Why didn't I think of that?