Violent 3yo - WWYD?

[Sandbox Sally]

I have had dcb for 8 months. I have had issues with his parents, but that's not his fault, and I did usually enjoy having him.

I've edited to add that he's not quite 3 right now. He will be in a few weeks.

Recently (since after Christmas) he's been hitting, throwing, telling me no, kicking...well you get the idea. My 13 year old dd and I saw him outside our house last week kicking and biting his mother. His mother did nothing, at least while they were still here.

Today, when I was trying to get him to come to circle time, he turned with a wooden tractor, screamed, "NO!" and hit me square in the face with it. It really hurt. I saw red, and had to walk into the other room to cool off. After I calmed down, I went back and talked to him. He refused to apologize, and kept laughing at me.

I know he's only a toddler, but he's pretty much terrorizing the daycare right now. He regularly pitches fits like this and throws toys. Sometimes the other kids get hit. I've caught him hurting his own sister on purpose - she's 11 months old.

There must be something going on with him. But, I am not a psychologist, and I only see him three times a week. I really don't know how to quell this. I have tried reasoning, positive reinforcement, and consequences such as sitting out. So far, he's not responding. It has been 2.5 months of trying, and I'm getting nowhere.

I don't know what to do. I have told his mom a couple of times, and she kind of blows it off. Is this worth giving notice for? Would it be fair of me to give him a letter stating that if he does something like this again, he will no longer be welcome in my program? It's not his parents' fault, and I know there's little they can do to stop him from being violent another time, but I am sick and tired of waiting to get hit or kicked. Today, it was a heavy toy, and I am NOT pleased. He could have broken my nose or my glasses.

[Dreamalittledream]

My first thought was, his poor little sister! Good for you for taking a second to just walk away and breath...wow! Such a hard decision when you have siblings....in all likelihood if you term one both with go. Big loss of income. Bit what a relief it would be. I can't imagine always being on edge wondering who and what he may harm next. I would definitely give a warning. This just cannot go on happening, for your sanity and for the other children (who just may pick up this behavior)...for safety of all! Hopefully with a warning Mom will realize the severity and come on board with helping this little guy overcome these behaviors.
My strategy when something major occurs (hitting etc) is immediately they go in a booster chair for time out (tray attached) and the timer goes on. It is very rare that I have to use this, but it works. Sounds like you've tried similar already, though. Good luck to you!

[Spixie33]

I guess it depends on your situation and whether you can afford to terminate....but personally I would probably be telling mom what happened at pick up and say that this is the final warning and that if he doesn't change very quick then you can no longer have him in the daycare.

She has to be on board to nip this behaviour in the bud and enough is enough. When it gets to the point where he laughs at hurting you - not good Even worse...he is probably going to be a bad influence on the others kids in the group. Often times - other kids will then exhibit the same behaviours and your other daycare parents might notice this type of aggressive behaviour in their kids and blame you /daycare as the source.

The other parents might not say so but they are probably going to think so and not want their children around this type of environment/children.

I would either give the final warning or terminate. This just sounds like it is lasting too long and progressing for the worse rather than getting better.

[Bookworm]

Honestly, he's three (almost) and should know better. He obviously acts like this at home to get his own way, and it works.
If the mom has blown off this behaviour in the past, then I don't really think you are going to get any help from home. However, I would probably write them an email/letter or have a face to face conversation about his behaviour, how it is not acceptable and if they do not work with you to rectify this behaviour in whatever time period you give them, then unfortunately, the boy can no longer stay at your daycare. He is a huge liability for you. What if he seriously hurts another child when throwing toys etc. The other parents are not going to be happy at all. I know it's a PITA to replace siblings, but maybe start advertising now during so you aren't out too much income.
I'm still trying to find a replacement for my biters, and thought today to myself that maybe I should rethink my decision to replace them as they have been doing so well lately....and lo and behold, one of them tried to bite my son this morning. It reinforced that they are a liability to me, and they need to go.
Hope everything gets resolved the way you would like. Good luck.

[Sandbox Sally]

I actually have my ad up right now because I am losing another child the second week of March, because her mom's work schedule has changed, and she can't get here until an hour after I am closed.

So - I'd be losing THREE around the same time, but I have had several inquiries from my ad already, and could likely fill the spots. I only really need to fill two spots, as the sib set are part timers.

I don't know. On one hand, this family's been nothing but grief after hassle after grief. On the other, that's a lot of change and a lot of what if's in a short time.

[Fun&care]

I would say to write the dcm a letter with all the details as to what has been going on, how it's affecting you and the other kids, and emphasize that she needs to work with you on this issue otherwise it will have to mean termination because he is putting others in danger of physical harm. Hitting you with a toy is absolutely unacceptable! As for discipline, I would say that you need to find what he doesn't like, what REALLY gets to him. Maybe time out in a playpen or strapped into a booster or something, or taking away a toy that he really likes...when time outs fail, look for something else that would upset him, get his attention and start listening to you. Just my 2 cents

[Other Mummy]

I guess I'm in the minority here but I would term. Hitting you with a toy truck in the face and laughing. Alphaghetti you don't need that abuse. Nor do you other dck's. Let him go (including sister unfortunately) and fill that spot with a child who is not the spawn of the devil!

[Trace of Angels]

I would have to ask how is this child's language and communication level? They estimate that almost 90% of toddlers hit. They lack the communication and language to express their frustration so they hit. I would try to find out why he is hitting and work on that. Is something frustrating or upsetting him? Can you support him in that way and teach him other ways to deal with his frustration? If we terminated all children that "hit" our homes might become revolving doors????
If his language and communication is top notch then he needs to learn boundaries and limitations in your home. This is unacceptable behaviour and the instant it happens there is a consequence (time out) and it is very matter of fact. Stay calm and let him see that there are consequences to his actions (cause and affect) and do so every single time. My guess is that it won't take him long to learn :-)

[Sandbox Sally]

I would have to ask how is this child's language and communication level? They estimate that almost 90% of toddlers hit. They lack the communication and language to express their frustration so they hit. I would try to find out why he is hitting and work on that. Is something frustrating or upsetting him? Can you support him in that way and teach him other ways to deal with his frustration? If we terminated all children that "hit" our homes might become revolving doors????
If his language and communication is top notch then he needs to learn boundaries and limitations in your home. This is unacceptable behaviour and the instant it happens there is a consequence (time out) and it is very matter of fact. Stay calm and let him see that there are consequences to his actions (cause and affect) and do so every single time. My guess is that it won't take him long to learn :-)

Did you read my post thoroughly? I did mention that I've used consequence. I did mention that I spoke to him calmly. I am very consistent. He hasn't learned. That's the problem here.

He's almost 3. He can talk. It isn't a communication issue. He hits when he's not getting what he wants. That much is clear.

I have three children of my own, not to mention the many children that I have had in the context of my daycare. I know what reasonable behaviour looks like for a toddler. To be honest, I don't care why he hit me in the face with a toy, on purpose. I don't care why he's constantly hitting the other kids. I don't care why he's biting his mother. There is never an excuse or reason for a child to do that, and I refuse to recognize this as a normal behaviour.

I have never terminated a child for hitting before, but I might well do so this time. No worries about my daycare becoming a "revolving door".

[Other Mummy]

Good for you Alpaghetti..Sounds like you made your decision.