Refuses to say sorry

[torontokids]

My almost 3 y o daughter refuses to say "sorry." She will push her sister, go on time out but won't apolagize. Even when she hurts someone by accident she won't apolagize. I will keep her from getting to do a desired activity until she says sorry but she is pretty stubborn. I also model for her e.g. "you really hurt suzy, how does it make you feel when someone hurts you?" I really praise other children when they say sorry.

Do you make kids say "sorry?" What else should I try?

[sierra]

Well what I do is keep the child on time out until they say sorry. Every 3 min I ask if they are ready to say sorry until it is finally done.

[BlueRose]

Well what I do is keep the child on time out until they say sorry. Every 3 min I ask if they are ready to say sorry until it is finally done.

I do the same. It once took the kid 3 hours before she said she was sorry and could rejoin the group.

[DisneyPrincess]

Yeah if she is 3, she should be able to say she's sorry, and I even ask them why are they in timeout. 2 y.o. I also ask that they say sorry to the other kid, although sometimes its a mumble, its a start. Timeout rules: 1 min per age and you stay until you say sorry.

[Crayola kiddies]

I don't make kids say sorry unless its an accident because it ends up being like a get out of jail card ....a child will push/ hit/throw toy at/ect another child and then he's says sorry so he thinks its ok. It's not ok .... You can't be mean to your friends and then say sorry and think its all better. To me it's like saying do what ever you like but as long as you say sorry it's all good. Most of these kids aren't sorry some don't even know what it means and its just a word that they have been programmed to say.

[momofnerds]

I don't make kids say sorry unless its an accident because it ends up being like a get out of jail card ....a child will push/ hit/throw toy at/ect another child and then he's says sorry so he thinks its ok. It's not ok .... You can't be mean to your friends and then say sorry and think its all better. To me it's like saying do what ever you like but as long as you say sorry it's all good. Most of these kids aren't sorry some don't even know what it means and its just a word that they have been programmed to say.

yes I have found this too.

[playfelt]

I don't force the I'm sorry either. I do not like it when kids just mimic platitudes like robots. The truth is they are not sorry. They meant to do it and that is that - why force them to lie. Getting them to admit that what they did was wrong, not a nice way to treat a friend etc. is ok. But the children need their space and forcing the one to get in the face of the other and rehash what went on before for only a split second is like goading the other one into remembering to retaliate and there it escalates. What is done is done.

I am the same with most of those things we take as manners. I use them but I don't expect the kids to use them till they comprehend what they mean. Most will pick them up and just do it but I don't stand there holding out on giving them something till they say please and thank you. Again it has to be a learned response to have some meaning. Until children are 7 they have not reached the age of reason where they can deal with these kinds of abstract concepts with meaning so until then it is just practiced ritual.

[torontokids]

I am actually more inclined to agree with playfelt. I have only been "making" my daughter say sorry to support my husband who feels pretty strongly about it. I see that it is clearly not effective and we chatted at length yesterday about it. I do feel there needs to be a consequence for her behaviour (pushing sister) but saying "sorry" is just her doing what we say and means nothing. I have been teaching her to ask for help instead of pushing as the trigger is usually little sister touching something/bugging her. I think our trying to make her has back fired as she won't say sorry for things she would have in the past e.g accidentley bumping someone. I do most of the child rearing and it's usually my way. I think this worked out well as I gave my husband his way, it's not working so we get to do it my way afterall and he still feels valued

[momofnerds]

also making kids hug their friends don't work either. I've had littles hit their friends and then hug them when they start to cry. I try and respect the kids space, not every child likes to be hugged (my odd is like this) its just the way they are.

[smileyface]

My rules are 1 minute per year old in time out and they have to say sorry afterwards. The reason for saying sorry is that when you say sorry you are admitting that what you did was wrong and you are taking responsibility for that. Even if the child meant to hurt someone at the time, going back and saying sorry means the child is taking responsibility for his/her own actions and admitting they were in the wrong. Too many people nowadays don't bother to ever say their sorry even when they know what they did was wrong! I think it is important to go back and make amends with the people we have wronged, and that's why I enforce them to say sorry after their time out. Even if they shout out sorry before the time out, they still go in a time out (consequences for their actions).