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Thread: Tricky Question

  1. #1
    Shy
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    Question Tricky Question

    Hi All.
    I'm brand new to this forum.
    I am looking for some peer-based feedback.
    I am caring for the child of a friend. Well to me she is more just somebody I know, but our daughters are very close. I should know better than to have taken the girl on, but in spite of myself I say yes.
    I'm in a really awkward situation. The parents of this child do not respect me as a daycare provider, they think of me as 'just a sitter'. Often they ask for things that are unreasonable, or beyond the scope of my normal day.. or change our agreed upon days and times at their will etc. I've often had difficulty tracking down payment. But I've let most of it go to save the relationship for our daughter's sakes. I also know they are having a very unfortunate go of things right now, with her having just lost her job a few weeks ago, and the dad's job isn't enough to pay the bills.
    However, on Monday she did the dreaded "dose and dump" to me. Her daughter arrived after school very apparently ill, had been ill all weekend (the kind of sick where they spend all day between the bathroom and bed) and her mom had a job interview on Monday so decided the child simply had to go to school (regardless of the fever) so she dosed her up with Tylenol and sent her... then sent more Tylenol to school with her which the child forgot to take (it is against school policy to send tylenol to school with a child except if they have a Dr's note explaining a non-contagious illness, such as muscle sprains or the like) Anyways, the girl came to my house with a fever, and it took me 45 mins to track down her parents to come get her. She was SO ill, just shaking and crying. I inquired how she was the next day (Tues morning) and found out she was vomiting. I am so incredibly angry at her for having put me into that situation, but worse for having willingly and deliberately put my family and my whole (full) daycare at risk of something so nasty.
    I sent her an e-mail explaining that she had violated my policy and our contract (I have a good, clear sick policy). I explained how devastating such an illness can be in a daycare setting etc. I was also really angry that they did that to their little girl.. forcing her to go to school.. and then after care. (she told me her parents told her she could not call home).
    I just got a reply apologizing to me, and it's defensive in it's tone (we thought she was better) (but at the same time admitting she had a fever before school... and that they dosed her to try to cheat the system and buy time for the interview) Meanwhile, the dad is at home all day and their is a grandmother close by!!!
    My problem is that she is asking for this to not interfere with our relationship and she has offered an apology. I feel she has violated my trust. But I love the little girl. Do I forgive and forget, or do I terminate? I'm thinking some sort of in-between.. where I give her another chance, but let her know I have documented this policy violation. My other problem with this family is they are occupying a full-time before and after school space for only $10 a week for one day after school.. (it was 5 days before). When she lost her job I told her I would retain the right to fill her space but that I would give her 'first dibs' should I find somebody wanting it.. So do I keep all this headache for $10 a week? OR do I move on. I do have to stress though that the child is a dream to have here, absolutely easy and agreeable etc.. there is no trouble getting her as she comes home on the same bus as my own children, and she is my daughter's best friend. Opinions?

  2. #2
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    Sounds like a tough situation to be in. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be possible for you to continue wearing both "hats" so to speak. Your first hat choice would be if you choose to continue caring for this child, I think you should treat this client like any other family. Charge your regular rates for care, and hold them to the same standards that you expect from other families. i.e. prompt payments, no bounced cheques, agreed upon pick up and drop off times. It's been my experience that once you blur the lines in one area, other areas are also negatively affected. While it is very sweet of you to want to "help" this family out during their troubles, they don't appear to be terribly appreciative of your efforts. And if your efforts are not being valued, and you're no longer happy doing them for purely altruistic reasons, then why would you continue to make these superhuman efforts ? Look out for number one always. Your happiness matters just as much as anyone else's.

    Hat Number Two would involve you terminating the child, but continuing to remain a supportive friend. This might be easier for you. It would allow you the freedom to choose how you wanted to help (i.e. yes, I'll watch Sarah on Saturday afternoon while you're off on a job interview) while allowing you control over how much BS you want to deal with. I totally understand that emotions get involved, especially when you're dealing with a child who doesn't have a lot positive adults in their life. Advertise and find a new family, and then just tell this current client that it's purely a business decision, you too have bills to pay, and while you will continue to love her daughter dearly you simply cannot take the financial hit that you were previously taking. Leave it at that. Most people understand that you can't lose out on potential income - we all have bills to pay.

    You're trying to walk in two different directions at the same time - and you're learning that you can't do it ! Although bless your kind heart for trying. Choose whether you want to be a supportive friend or a caregiver, and then act accordingly.

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  4. #3
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    I think you're right. I just don't know which one to choose! I have to see her on a regular basis. I really don't know what to do! It is clear that I cannot keep going the way I have been. She has really hurt the trust.. but it wouldn't be kind of me not to forgive her.. I was ready for any reply other than the one she gave me!

  5. #4
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    Oh my... what a horrible situation! I wouldn't keep them on at all. They don't respect you and your policies. I can already tell you that this type of stuff is going to keep happening with this family. I don't understand what type of parent would send their poor child to school when they are so sick. I tell parents up front that if they require medication, they can't come to the daycare. Do you have emergency contacts for this family? I have two for each family. That way if the parents aren't reachable, I contact the emergency contacts. If a child is seriously ill in my care, I either strap them in the high chair or put them in a play pen to keep them separate from the rest of the kids to help contain the illness. However, there are so many issues with this family and all for $10?! Even though it's awkward, I would definitely get rid of them. They have walked all over you like a doormat Don't feel bad, THEY are the ones who haven't followed the rules and ruined it.

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  7. #5
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    You say "it wouldn't be KIND"? Um, I think that you have been more than kind!!
    This is NOT your fault. Don't take this on yourself. It sounds like you have a pretty clear policy on what is expected from daycare families, and that they have been flouting it all along anyway.

    I would suggest that you sit talk to mom and lay out the situation. IF you are going to continue care, if will be under these stipulations... and then tell her what you need from them.
    If you want to help, but can not do so in a "professional" manner anymore, then tell them that! Let them know that you are there for them, but that the current situation can no longer continue.

    Good luck!!!

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  9. #6
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    It has been a bad situation for a long time, but it's also very difficult to just walk away, I've grown to love the little girl (she's been here for 2 years).. and she is very close to my daughter. I was hoping for a natural break when the mother lost her job.. but they insist on keeping her coming (which makes no sense to me, I've already told her I would give her first dibs on the space!) I'd rather not get paid for work I don't do... than work I do.. do. lol. I've already told her I do not have space next Fall other than 2 days after school (which is true as one of my full day girls has a little sister joining us in July! yay!) and they already told me they do not need summer care... so I do see an end in sight... maybe I should take a less direct approach and if she changes her mind about summer care just tell her I am not available.. and tell her I filled the spot for after-school next Fall already because she never secured it (which is also true, she has not confirmed it).
    But I'm not sure if I can bring myself to continue to offer care for the next 3 months now.. because I'm hurt and angry... But if I let them go they will really be in a bind.. so it is worth it to me to make such a big deal out of the ordeal from Monday..

  10. #7
    Shy
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    So - I had sent her an e-mail (so I could have it in writing, I've learned verbal just does not work with these kinds of parents!) and I did lay out how wrong it was to do what she did and how devastating it could be to my own children (myself and husband) and all the other families in my care (and one after-school girl has a brother in another daycare... so it would be a vicious cycle) I don't feel like I can really use all the other issues to back up my decision formally as I haven't dealt with them formally before (other than sending multiple reminders to her for payment.. and a few other things like 'forgetting' to tell me that they were picking her up at school and I was panicking looking for her because she didn't get off the bus!) I am a super-responsible type person that leans to over protective. I am not a good match for these parents at all. But that said, I have not been clear enough with them so I felt this time I really needed to give it to them straight..
    I was prepared for an angry reply, even no reply because then I could easily drop her.. but the apology threw me for a loop and the plea 'I hope this does not tarnish our relationship' I really wasn't prepared for that.. and with only 3 more months...
    But that could make for a really long 3 months. I really really appreciate all this feedback as I feel like I keep going around in circles in my head! I am even losing sleep (I am SO worried about our families getting sick.. it's Easter weekend, our son has his 1st Communion tomorrow night and we have such a big weekend planned!) And I am just disgusted that somebody would send their kid to school sick like that.. and deliberately expose a whole daycare full of kids to something so horrible.. it's one thing when it comes on suddenly and it's an accidental exposure but totally different when you KNOW you are doing it.. AND she says in her e-mail back that the girl saw her doctor who said it's a virus and not contagious. I'm no doctor but I don't know how somebody could determine that without bloodwork and such.. I mean it's a virus, that's clear the child was feverish, had diarrhea, chills, vomiting, a cough and sneezing. I can't imagine how that could not be contagious.. sounds like BS to me. I can understand how some of those symptoms could be from something not contagious but not all of them.. and a quick visit into the Dr couldn't possibly explain it away without further testing. (maybe I should ask her for the note!)
    The girl is 8, I couldn't put her in a play pen! But I did keep her on the step away from the other children until I could reach her. I have her mom, dad and a grandmother as her contacts - both Mom and Dad were out of town and dkm had gramma's car.. SIGH.. it took 45 mins to get a reply - the poor girl was shaking and sad - I should have dosed her myself with Tylenol.. but I wanted the mom to see how bad she actually was (I wasn't trying to be mean, our arrangement was a 4:00 pick up.. she got to my house at 3:45.. so at 4:00 I started trying to reach them and got them at 4:45..) I only feel bad now that I didn't just give her Tylenol to help her out.. but if I had of, dkm never would have believed me..

    Anyways - I really feel better venting it all but mostly getting perspectives because I just keep going round and round.. spinning.. So a big THANKS

  11. #8
    Shy
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    Crys: I really feel for you in this situation. I have just come out the other side of something similar in terms of a friend taking advantage of the services I offer.
    My friend was offered a reduced daycare rate, a flexible drop in contract, I opened early and stayed open late. My daughter is BFF's with the dcg too. All in the name of friendship & helping support her children through their parents separating.
    My "friend" took advantage after advantage of the situation & consistently used her personal issues and children as the reasoning behind all her actions, she did the drop a sick child with me too.
    It all culminated in her taking money off my daily rate as the children's father had picked them up from school!
    It was the last stage that made me realise enough is enough & that she did not have the same respect for the friendship as I did.
    When I stepped back and looked at the situation from a DCP point of view & not a friendship view, I realised that I wouldn't let another DCF get anyway with the same issues!
    As I was so stressed about it all, it was affecting the way I felt over the course of a day so in turn was affecting the running of the daycare.
    I gave her two weeks notice, I did have a good reason for doing so.
    Luckily for me for the first time she actually showed some understanding....in all honesty I think she saw it coming & knew that she had over stepped the mark once too often.

    So my long winded point is. Maybe it's worth looking at the situation and deciding what is best for you and your full time DCK's in terms of stress levels. It's hard I know, but I breathed a long sigh of relief when it was over. As did my DCK's and DCParents

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  13. #9
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    I think I've reached a conclusion.. sometimes writing it all out makes things clearer! Since I do have an 'out' in 3 months (and she is only here once a week) I will accept her apology and make the best of it. The 'policy violation' has been documented should I have any further problems, so now I won't feel so bad if I terminate her in the future. I think she is sort of oblivious to all the other things, but this time since I called her out on it, I'm almost certain it won't happen again. Daycare is at a real shortage in this city and it would be difficult for her to find somebody since she has no job etc. I think the biggest reason I will let her stay is for her daughter's benefit, with all the other changes in her life right now and stress.. it would be terribly difficult on her and bruise her friendship with my daughter. So I am going to do it for the girls. BUT.. I will not tolerate any more violations and also since she has already refused care for the summer I will not allow her to change that (I will just tell I made other arrangements) and will not welcome her back in the Fall, she hasn't secured the spot and I will no longer hold it for her, I've also already told her since she took me from 5 days a week to 1 day, I retain the right to fill that spot (giving her the chance to claim it before giving it out, but at the 5 day rate).

    Thanks again SO much. If I didn't have a natural end in sight, I would have to let her go because I have to have my own best interests and those of all the children (my own inc). And while I don't advocate taking on friends as clients, the one thing remains if they are true friends they will respect you and not take advantage of you.. I really do love my job.

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