Bad experiences with day care providers

[mamaof4]

Have you considered a podee bottle? They are fantastic

In the past it is normal for full time children to adjust within 2 - 6 weeks of full time care depending on the child.

My latest child in care has been with me for 6 1/2 weeks. My child is still struggling to hold the bottle on own, still struggling with learning routine, has a temper tantum when doesn't get own way, screams constantly at me when I don't respond instantly or pick up on demand. At 12 months, is not walking, crawling well, does't go up or down stairs well, takes limited initiative to do things for the child's self, still won't come to me for any reason, and has not started to follow every day routines, like coming to the table for snack, or learning daycare rules etc.

I believe it is exactly for the reason you mentioned Tinkerbell, the parents didn't prepare the child for daycare, the child is carried everywhere, the bottle is still held for the child, the child is still spoon fed, the parents go to the child, the child was entertained constantly, etc. Though I am proud of this set of parents because they did teach the child to self sooth for nap time, which does essentially help my day.

I think the hardest part is after 6 weeks of childcare with seeing so little progress I would normally terminate under my transistion period clause, but I believe this child has potential. But, like another provider mentioned in another threat that if we pass the window of opportunity, we may regret the decision not to terminate later on. For now I will keep on trucking an give the child another few months and see how the child progresses.

[playfelt]

I agree on the talking that many 12 month olds just look at you when you talk and don't respond. Two words will be a lot longer coming. As for the stairs a child that can crawl can climb stairs - hence the need for safety gates from a very young age. As for going down - mine turn around backwards and go down a stair at a time. I do not like the sit on the bum and go down forwards because if a foot catches or they lean too far forward they fall. Going backwards down there are a lot less issues. Between 15 -18 months I start them going down or after they are walking properly. Mostly I give them all a chance to do it and if they can fine, if they are too scared or unsure I pick them up and carry them. Mine know to sit at the top of the stairs till I give them the go ahead to come down or go up. The really little ones that don't are secured till others are down. I don't let them stand and use the railing till they are closer to 3 mostly because of size as in not reaching up to get it. Not holding a bottle at a year shouldn't be an issue because a child should be on a cup during the day by a year and would be if it was introduced by 9 months like it should be. A child will act as helpless as you let them.

[sunnydays]

I am amazed to hear about daycare providers having expectations of an 11 month old talking and a 12 month old walking and going up and down stairs. I am a mother of 3 and a new daycare provider, and I think this is very unfair to expect. They are still babies at 12 months and each one is different. Although there are things that they have to learn in order to cope with the daycare environment, walking and talking would not be on my list. I would say lots of socialization and being able to put themselves to sleep at naptime are key. I have been on both sides and I hated it as a parent when a daycare provider judged me for my parenting style, so I am very careful not to do that to my daycare parents.
As for the situation described by ilovemilton, I have to say that I understand why the provider wanted pay for the sick days. You pay for the space, not the days used. The provider is unable to fill the space when your child is absent and has no control over how often your child gets sick and is away. She does need to have a stable income and should be able to rely on that. As for the extra day, I would have probably given that for free because the child was away on his regular days, but she did have the right to ask for it according to her contract.

[playfelt]

For those that were caregivers back in the days of 6 month maternity leaves where we often had babies entering care at 4 months because few woman were allowed to work right up to term things were very different. Rarely did we have a child that wasn't on a cup and eating table foods and either walking or at least cruising by 12 months. And a cruiser can climb stairs just fine even if they can't walk across the room because the steps provide something to hold onto. Single words began betwen 10 months and a year. Most were using a spoon no later than 15 months and by 18 months we were potty training. Rarely was a child in diapers except at naptime by 24 months. That's just the way kids were.

Times changed. Maternity leave became 12 months but no one bothered to teach doctors how to advise parents on what to do next so that is one of the reasons why we now get one year olds into care that are at the 9 month developmental level of years ago. I have been doing daycare for 25 years and have four children of my own ranging from 27 to 18.

Not saying it is wrong just saying it is troublesome in many respects and as we see children enter school that are not really ready in many areas. Self-esteem starts in infancy and a child that is inadvertantly taught that they are not capable has a harder road to travel.

As far as the daycare environment goes the sooner a child learns to walk and talk the sooner they can become social beings and interact with the other children. Most children do not have the ability to guess what a whine or tear means and will just ignore the child. Walking allows the child to participate with older children too as it means they have learned balance so can join more of our play activities instead of sitting on the sidelines. I have an 18 month old right now that is not on a cup, takes only a bottle if it is warmed to the correct temperature and grunts from behind her soother. Mostly the other kids can't be bothered dealing with her because she can't keep up. But mom constantly comments on how much she loves that the child still does these things and cuddles up with her. So who is holding who back and what is my job. Is it to keep her doing infant things so mom is happy or is it to help the child mature and do age appropriate things so she can join in with her peers. It is hard to stand back and know I am doing the child a disservice.

[jodaycare]

I have been caring for children in some way for almost 30 years and I have to say that children seem to reaching developmental milestones later than they did even 10 years ago. I am not sure of the cause. My daughter will be eighteen in July and she was on cereal at 3 1/2 months and was on a cup by 9 or 10 months. She was walking at 11 months etc. I now hear that doctors do not recommend cereal or solids until 6 months at the earliest. I so believe that the longer maternity leave has made the transition to daycare harder on both the child and the parent. Parents need to prepare their child for daycare in every way that they can, this includes self soothing, napping on their own. a reasonable amount of self feeding ( most 12 months olds should be able to pick up small pieces of food). As for the provider asking for payment, I believe she was justified as her contract stated such. I do ask for full fees regardless of attendance but in the case of an extended absence (more than 5 consecutive days) I do reduce the fees by half. Parents need to understand that in order to provide an enriched environment for their child we need to be paid for the service we provide, I am sure that if they worked an extra day they would expect to be paid accordingly. Just because we work from home does not make our profession less valuable.

[Emilys4Guppies]

Milestones such as when to start solids aren't truly "milestones" though, and the 6 month recommendation is based on sound science regarding the "pristine gut syndrome" and the maturity of the GI tract. All 4 of my children started solids after 6 months, and so far 3 of the 4 were completely on table foods by 12 months (the 4th is only 7mos so far). My 7 month old also takes a sippy cup, and all of the rest were on a regular cup by 12-15 months. My daughter was full on walking by 9 months.

I am not sure that children, in general, are behind developmentally from where children were 20 years ago. I think that when one doesn't have small children of their own in the house it's easy to forget how things are/were. My own mother did home daycare, has 5 kids of her own, and still forgets things in regards to when my children reach milestones. I think, also, that perhaps different areas have different expectations that aid in reaching those milestones.

For example, when I lived in the city most people strollered their toddlers to prevent running in traffic. However, now that I live in a rural area I see that many toddlers walk on the sidewalks (my preference), which I believe is a better opportunity for a child. Does that make sense?

[Myrtah]

Milestones such as when to start solids aren't truly "milestones" though, and the 6 month recommendation is based on sound science regarding the "pristine gut syndrome" and the maturity of the GI tract. All 4 of my children started solids after 6 months, and so far 3 of the 4 were completely on table foods by 12 months (the 4th is only 7mos so far). My 7 month old also takes a sippy cup, and all of the rest were on a regular cup by 12-15 months. My daughter was full on walking by 9 months.

I am not sure that children, in general, are behind developmentally from where children were 20 years ago. I think that when one doesn't have small children of their own in the house it's easy to forget how things are/were. My own mother did home daycare, has 5 kids of her own, and still forgets things in regards to when my children reach milestones. I think, also, that perhaps different areas have different expectations that aid in reaching those milestones.

For example, when I lived in the city most people strollered their toddlers to prevent running in traffic. However, now that I live in a rural area I see that many toddlers walk on the sidewalks (my preference), which I believe is a better opportunity for a child. Does that make sense?

Thank you Emily.
My girl walked fine by the end of 13 months, was running a few days after she walked and was self-feeding from around 9 months onwards. She was pretty independent by 14 months.
But it was a very difficult stage between 10 and 14 months. She was teething massively.
I had been training her from 8 months on consistent nap times, she got a morning nap and an afternoon one (which she desperately needed until she was 13 months), self soothing to sleep ( no pacifiers) and she was self feeding holding her own cup and eating on her own well enough by 12 months.

Even after all that, it did not work with the first provider. I made a wrong choice.
Unfortunately kids behave differently in a new atmosphere.
She was not that needy at home but the provider had a totally different story.
The daycare provider wanted to take her off the morning nap, ( I think that back- fired big time) wished that she was more social, and preferred her to be less attention seeking.I realized she was not great anyway. It did not work.

I moved her to another place and the positive environment there did wonders.

I still do not see what I could have done as a parent to make her more independent.. also it is sad that there is a certain mindset people have about milestones..." the kid should be doing this...or that".. Certainly it is a lot easier if the kids are independent.

I guess it is important to see what the provider means by milestones.. everyone's stand on milestones is slightly different. So the parent and provider has to be on the same page to avoid unnecessary pain...pain that does not go away after terrible experiences.

[playfelt]

Working on milestones is probably a more important guage than mastery in the sense of I know children reach different stages at different times but it is also true if you wait too long to introduce something such as a cup or taking away the soother that it can be harder for the child to adapt and achieve. The younger you introduce a child to something the more likely they are to adapt. That doesn't mean we expect mastery right away but we do expect parents to be working on the skills too so that there is some hope of mastery and some consistency between home and daycare. If a child is not expected to do certain things at home it makes it harder at daycare to do what is expected. I think most daycare providers do have realistic expections of what is possible for a child. What they expect is that parents are not holding the children back from reaching those goals and is also encouraging the child as well.

I get the sense that some of the issues with your original caregiver was that her guage of milestones was her own child and not based on any kind of averages of previous kids in her daycare or research of any kind. Just because her child talked early doesn't mean all kids do. But by 15-18 months if a child is not saying words it is also suggested that a child be evaluated. Here in Ottawa we have a group called First Words that will evaluate a child, make suggestions on ways to encourage language as well as suggest when a hearing test or other tests might be a good idea.

When interviewing a potential caregiver ask questions about how many children in your child's age group they have cared for in the last five years. Ask them what ways they use to encourage children to reach milestones - example offering drink only in a cup at snacktime but still giving the bottle after lunch until they are drinking more from the cup or one-on-one talking and singing with a young toddler to encourage speech and sound imitation. Since you won't know for sure ask if your child will be able to keep up their morning nap if they need it or does the caregiver go out each day. Playgroup is a great outing but not if you are tired and whiney and just want to sleep. Another reason why not every caregiver is the right match for every family.

[Myrtah]

"I get the sense that some of the issues with your original caregiver was that her guage of milestones was her own child and not based on any kind of averages of previous kids in her daycare or research of any kind. Just because her child talked early doesn't mean all kids do. But by 15-18 months if a child is not saying words it is also suggested that a child be evaluated. Here in Ottawa we have a group called First Words that will evaluate a child, make suggestions on ways to encourage language as well as suggest when a hearing test or other tests might be a good idea."

Absolutely true that parents should not hold back their kids from trying and learning and being independent.
Yes, my first provider was wrong. I was naive and made a wrong decision which affected my child very badly.
I am not sure if her guage was based on her child- if so, then the years of experience that she claimed falls flat.
As I said I prepared my kid for the daycare- she was holding a cup , feeding herself and soothing herself to sleep by 9 months. At 10 months, she followed simple commands like get the toy or come here etc.
She had 50 words by 13 months and by 18 months she was putting three words together, by 20 months she was singing the ABC song and many other rhymes fully and clearly.
By 10 months she was cruising and by 12 she was standing and walking with support but she walked independently only by end of 13 months. ( I know some kids -lighter ones walk by 10 months).
I am here in this forum because I cannot get over the way my child was treated.
Apart from complaining that my child is not settling- clearly she wasn't getting the care. She came back with poo stuck every time and it was not cleaned properly. I was patient and was nice never lost it with her. Spoke to her because I understand that sometimes single-handedly managing kids is difficult.
Regarding the morning nap, hers was generally short and before 8.30 because she gets dropped off at 7. Yes, I should have known that my kid would not be ok without a morning nap and not gone with her After all, it was only 5 weeks with her of which she was sick for a week and a half. So how much patience should a provider have during the initial settling time?
The way things were returned to me- I had to go ask them 4 times and then the bottles and cups had a layer of filth, dried milk- if she was busy she could have asked me bring the cups in everyday..no problem I would do it for my kid.
I am here in this forum and have learnt a lot from these providers discussions.
I am unable to get over my bad experience and I am promoting these conversations so other folks can make right decisions.
Else, I know that most providers are reasonable and friendly.
It only takes one rotten neighbor to lose trust over the neighborhood.

[playfelt]

Sounds like the biggest issue with your child and the first provider was that there was no bonding going on at all, no connection, no inclusion of the child into the daycare family. Kudos to you for recognizing when things were not good and doing what was right for your child at the time.