Sigh.. 1st Termination

[Crys]

I posted here just over a month ago about a dcm who sent her dd to me with a fever and vomiting doing the old 'dose and dump' but I had made the decision to keep her on anyways.. she apologized and said she would never let it happen again. Honestly I was okay with it because I knew the situation would be over soon *June* but really the relationship for me was badly hurt over it and the trust was completely gone on my side. But being the doormat I tend to be, I let her stay on.
On Monday after-school, the child arrives looking tired. She lays down while playing and falls asleep. My daughter woke her up while playing and the dcg starts crying and which time I intervene and she starts telling me about how she felt sick.. and was vomiting the day before. Then she proceeds to tell me that her father had given her Advil in the morning before school because she had a fever.. I took her temp and she had a fever. Immediately I tried contacting her parents (there was an unrelated text 10 mins prior) but could not reach anybody for at least 1/2 hour. Finally the father called me back to say that his mom was picking her up, so I woke up the girl and took her outside with me to wait (the other children had gone home already) and the poor girl fell asleep outside sitting on the step! It took almost a full hour to have her picked up.
I calmed down (I was so angry that I was shaking, which never happens to me) and had a long talk with my husband about it. We agreed that it was difficult due to our daughter's relationship and the proximity of our home to hers, but that this was the last straw. This mom had broken our contract several times, and I often have to chase down payments but it's the violation of sick policy that really gets me, and I had taken so much time and energy the last time telling her exactly why I couldn't allow it to happen again, and how awkward it was for me etc.

My rant now is that I am so sad and hurt, but mostly it's that I feel bad for the little girl involved.. She seems to get sick often. I'm also very upset that this woman put me in the situation - after letting her clearly no how I felt about it last time. I have 5 other families plus my own to worry about, and that kind of virus can be devastating to a daycare.. to willingly expose my home, my children, the daycare children, their families and myself.. AGAIN is the last straw.

I sent her an e-mail (she prefers that method and text, and I prefer having the hard copy over verbal) this morning.. I told her that I felt I couldn't meet her families needs any longer and that I thought it was best that she find somebody who can be more accommodating sort of putting it back on myself to take the sting out of it it a bit... I'm waiting for her reply (if any).

I just wish I had more backbone... because here I am feeling horrible for bailing on them.. which is ridiculous. Any tips for getting over that feeling?
Thanks!

[JennJubie]

You don't have any reason to feel bad. You gave more than enough chances, and you were right to let them go. Unfortunately, people like this never seem to learn, they just get away with whatever someone lets them get away with. You did a good thing putting your foot down.

As for getting over feeling guilty? Go out and have some fun. Watch a movie you love in your favorite pajamas, find something that you love to do or something that you find comforting. And keep telling yourself that you are not anyone's doormat, and that you did the right thing.

[Crys]

Thank you so much. I know it was the right thing for my family and for the other families in care, but I also know it will be devastating to the daycare family... I have grown to love the little girl, and my daughter has been really close to her (but in all honesty, I don't want to encourage the relationship, I don't want my daughter spending time at that home, or having to have playdates here etc.. that's a whole different topic!) They will still see each other at school, on the bus and at Brownies. I hope the other parents can be mature enough to handle this well, I was very kind in my termination by putting the fault on my shoulders like I'm not capable enough and can't meet their needs... which is true - I can't care for their daughter when she is sick and it seems they need somebody who can. I am usually very flexible - I regularly work an 11 hour day just to accommodate all the wacky schedules I have but when the parents are showing me respect and working WITH me.. I'm cool with it.. and all the other policy violations have only really affected me, not the other kids or families - but the sick one - that's a biggie and a deal-breaker for me.. and I did do it all up formally last time - so I could reference it 'just in case' in the future, didn't know it would be so soon, and certainly didn't expect it to be a carbon copy of last time! grr! Thank you though - knowing I did the right thing, and letting go of the guilt don't always come hand in hand!

[sunnydays]

You definitely did the right thing! I would have terminated too. Drugging a child and sending her to you sick is totally unacceptable and very disrespectful to you and your family. The poor kid, being sent to school when she is sooooo sick! You will be happy you did this...it will just take time. The two times I have terminated, I felt terribly guilty as well at first, but once I got over it I realized how right I had been to make the decision!

[Other Mummy]

Chin up crys The first termination is always the hardest..in your case, even more difficult as your little girl and dcg are friends and belong in brownies together, etc. You did the right thing. Your backbone will get a little stronger each time you assert yourself. I was the biggest wuss when I started out over 2 years ago. Now I'm a fun loving daycare provider but it's total business with the parents. I make that clear from the beginning. Unfortunately it takes families like the one you just let go to make you realize what you DON'T want in a dc family. You took a big step today That backbone is growing as we speak!

[Crys]

It's been a long time coming.. from the constant barging in without knocking (I'm fine with knocking once then opening the door.. totally open door, but not knocking is rude and gets my dog upset) to having to track down payments.. to changing the schedule without prior consent or even letting me know (I've picked her up at the bus stop before in a panic trying to reach the parents to let them know I had her because they hadn't told me it was my day.. to be told 'oh yeah we switched days'. But when you cross the line into putting my families' health at risk and all of my other daycare kids (one is less than 1 yr old!) at risk on purpose - that is too far.. to do exactly the same thing twice.... after trying to do it the nice way before.. not acceptable.

It is very helpful to be able to bounce it off other daycare people though, not just my poor hubby who has heard it all too many times lol. Of course he has my back on it Thank you so so much!!!

[Fearlessbaby]

I think you did the right thing- we need to follow our gut,,, I had a similar gut instinct about a no-show for an interview and now wants to "chat" again,,,, next time he calls I'm going to just tell him to find someone else- I can already tell he's trouble

[mimi]

Yes, we all have that line. We put up with alot of crap sometimes and let things slide, but when a parent so disregards your family's and your d/c family's health (and your income if you are sick)then yeah, you did the right thing in terminating. And you are no door mat sister!

[Momof4]

Omigosh, lift your head up proudly and stand straight and tall! I don't even know you but I'm so proud of you! Terminating is so very difficult but now you must think ahead to all the wonderful days without that family around. We always feel bad for the children but it's the parents resposibility and we can't save all the children. You did all you could do and now it's time to concentrate on the people who DESERVE YOU!

[Crys]

Thank you all so much for reading and posting encouragement.
It's do discouraging when you get upset over something that is not in your hands... and it's so refreshing and uplifting to have the opinion of those who are 'in the know' who can understand the complexity of needing to what is best for your own family, the other daycare families and your business.. but also wanting to be accommodating and help others too.. and how you get attached to children and feel bad for their parent's choices etc. It's not an easy dynamic - but I feel if parents are not on the same team as me, we can't do what is best for all involved. The range of emotions is so huge - sadness, disappointment, anger, guilt.. looking forward to it moving into the relief stage!

Thank you SO much for just being there... I should have let them go a long time ago but my personality is to help others and try to work things out.. but it's not going to just 'work out'.. I can see that now. At least I can look back and know I tried. I hope for the dc girl that they find somebody who can accommodate them.

I'm a big girl, but I do feel sorry for the kids involved.. my own daughter included as I do not know yet if they will choose to be mature and leave this to the adults, or if they will turn the little girl against mine. The way I stated it was that it was my fault for not being able to accommodate them and that I hope they can find somebody who can etc so I am really hoping it turns out okay... at least civil..

thanks again