Mealtime Issues with Newbie

[Lou]

I'm a patient person but for whatever reason, my blood absolutely BOILS with this kid at meal times! A little background:
He has poop issues. He's still in diapers, and is terrified of pooping (Mom and Dad said that he's always been like this...he holds it in for days, cries while he's pooping even though it's soft and cries through getting changed...it's weird). In between meal times, he's great! He's a busy 2 1/2 yrs old (3 in Aug), but just needs the normal reminders, nothing extreme..until meal times. When he sits and begins to eat, he's fine. He'll eat a little of what is offered but mostly he just sits there slack jawed and stares at the other kids eating or turns around in his chair to look out the window, plays with his food, causes silly disruptions, etc...I've realized that I'm literally coaxing him to take each and every bite which gets frustrating. I realized this early this week and have stopped, telling myself that if he doesn't eat, to not make any kind of deal about it, if he gets hungry he'll learn faster. Fine, I can totally deal with that. But the freaking annoying part is that about 2 minutes into the meal he starts asking to get down to poo...the first couple times I let him down because he was really fussing but he would just get down and start to go play with something. Nope. Not happening anymore. So, now from about 2 min into the meal and on he whines and squirms and fake cries to get down to poo. This goes on every day, and every meal...its incredibly annoying not only to me but the other children. I tell him that "it's snack time, buddy, when snack time is all done then we can get down". But he is relentless. My rule here is that if you're not going to eat that's fine, but we all sit at the table together until snack time is over (aka last child who is eating is done). It wouldn't be fair to the other children to send him on his way to play after one bite, while the rest are sitting and eating so nicely and I do not want to reward negative behavior. All the rest sit and eat beautifully and clear their plates.

Do you think I'm handling this alright? What would you do/suggest? This can't go on forever, right?? When he eventually realizes that I'm not going to react to his poop control issues and that he can not get down until snack is over?? He's been here for 3 weeks.

[Artsand crafts]

My DKC can go to play when they finish eating. If somebody isn't hungry or misbehaving meal is over. They have to wait until next meal. I don't sweat it... Usually they eat well, but once in a while someone isn't hungry and they just go to play while others eat. This has worked well for me.

[Crayola kiddies]

I would take him away from the table and put him on the potty/toilet and tell him to stay there till hes done....if he says hes done and he hasn't done anything then I would say "nope sorry you haven't done anything yet keep trying" .....and keep going till he either goes or he goes back to the table to eat. he'll figure it out soon enough which is the lesser of two evils.

[playfelt]

My bathroom is close enough to the kitchen I would say fine and put him on the potty and leave them till he either poops or meal is almost done. Then return him to the table to face his now cold lunch while others finish, are washed up and go to play.

It is entirely possible he isn't wrong in the sense that if he is holding it and it is a hard chunk right at the edge - sorry if too graphic - then it likely does hurt when he sits at the table on the hard chairs and thinks about it. Also when he starts to eat it starts the digestion process going and that will include the bowels working which is why kids often poop after eating. But for sure it is a stall tactic on eating or a learned behaviour where he can have undivided attention. If parents are sending him to the potty on his own rather than disrupt their meal then they likely don't know if he goes or not or if he just plays so may be trying it at home too.

[Lou]

Exactly, that is why I'm stuck! I do believe that he has the sensation that he has to poopand I HAVE tried this, but he's still in diapers and has a freak out on the toilet as well. It's incredibly aggrevating...if he would just go he would feel SO much better! To give you an idea of how much he holds it...at morning snack (9am) he puts on this same squirming whining routine until snack is over and they can go play..if he REALLY had to get down to go poo that badly he would go when he got down...but he doesn't. He will go the rest of the day without having a poop at all. Just these ridiculous episodes at mealtimes. It's this reason why I think it's more of a manipulation to get down because he doesn't want to to sit there anymore. Ugh.

[playfelt]

I can guess how tempting it is to just retort something back like that's what diapers are for now be quiet and eat your snack/lunch. However...

[sunnydays]

My daughter is almost the same age and will not poop on the potty or toilet although she does most of her pees there. She doesn't hold it, but I think it's because I have tried not to stress her out about it although I have tried many ways to get her to do it on the toilet. I am wondering if parents have been pushing potty training too much maybe, putting too much pressure? Kids will hold it if they feel pressured. Personally, I wouldn't be able to say no to going poop. Maybe you could have a potty nearby that he can sit and try on? Sounds like a tricky situation for sure.

[MonkeyMamma]

Have the parents had him to a doctor re his bowel issues? My son was chronically constipated even though he had been pooping several times a day, every day. His appetite was virtually non-existant and for two years we struggled to get every bottle and bite into him. Please have the parents rule out a medical issue before resorting to potentially backfiring behavioural responses.

[momofnerds]

sounds like he's playing a game. I would first tell the parents that medically he needs to visit the dr. if all is fine, then he's playing a game. But I have a feeling its a game. If he has to poop then put him on the toilet and let him sit there. Have him sit on the potty thats lower to the ground. By pushing the knees closer to his chest will help him poop.

[Dreamalittledream]

You are doing everything I would do. My rule is we wait until everyone is done as well. As soon as a little one is fooling around the plate gets removed. I just don't understand, since he wears a diaper, why does he need down? Definitely sounds like a ploy to get down (especially since these episodes don't result in a poop!). Does he do the same at home? Agreed, suggest a medical check up...but keep being consistent and firm in your routine/rules and he will get it