Need some help please! *LONG post*

[mamaathome]

Hi there,

I run a small daycare out of my home so that I can be home with my DD who is 2. I look after a 2.5yo and 1.5 yo. Lately things have not been going so well and I am unsure of what the breakddown is.

My daughter is an **intense**, but joyful little girl. She has BIG emotions and wears her heart all over her wee body. She is handful without the other two girls around, but with them it has been really rough lately. From day 1 my daughter and the 2.5yo have been like oil and water - just not a match. Even after a year of them seeing each other 5 days a week, they just don't get along. Some days they have a great time together, but mostly not. The 2.5yo is very sweet and gentle, talks non-stop and is VERY keen to do everything my daughter is doing or playing with. This makes my daughter nuts and my daughter goes from 0-60 in less than a second. I've taught my daughter to ask for space, but lately she screams or hits instead. I am torn between trying to encourage the 2.5 yo to play on her own and leave my daughter alone (literally if my daughter just looks at a toy, the 2.5yo starts to make a move for it) or staying on my daughter's case about being gentle and speaking kindly. i kind of go between both with little success...

The 1.5 yo used to not be part of this dynamic at all and was happy to play on her own at my side, but lately my daughter is turning her aggression toward the 1.5yo. My daughter knows that if she screams at the 1.5 yo - even for no reason!! - that she will get a reaction from the 1.5 yo and my daughter almost seems to do it for kicks some days mostly tho, she does it when the 1.5 yo is in her space. this is causing the 1.5 yo to be very apprehensive about coming in to my home in the morning. it also means that even if my daughter walks past the 1.5 yo with the most harmless of intentions, the 1.5 yo whines or whimpers in expectation of being screamed at or hit - do i have a bully on my hands??

Initially i was really into the idea of staying home with my daughter so that i could have a say in how her big emotions are dealt with - i am not into timeouts or disciplinarian action - we do a lot of cuddles and talking through these moment. But now i wonder if i've made a mistake by inviting these kids into my daughters space. Most days i am in tears over how these other little girls seem to upset my kid. and i am under no illusions that this the fault of the other girls. my daughter is just as much of an issue, if not a bigger part of it, than the other 2.

I am lost. I love my daughter and i am torn between being her 'daycare provider' and mama at the same time. like yesterday, all she wanted was snuggles on my bed which i did offer in small doses, but explained that i do need to keep an eye on the other girls. i finally told my daughter that i was going back to the playroom to read stories and would she come with me and snuggle on my lap. she refused and cried heartwrenchingly for 4 stories. i was almost in tears by the last book. my heart was broken that my daughter just wanted her mama and yet i chose/had to read to the other girls. have i made a mistake by caring for other kids? does my daughter need someone other than me to structure her day??

sorry this is an epic post...any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[JennJubie]

Initially i was really into the idea of staying home with my daughter so that i could have a say in how her big emotions are dealt with - i am not into timeouts or disciplinarian action - we do a lot of cuddles and talking through these moment. But now i wonder if i've made a mistake by inviting these kids into my daughters space. Most days i am in tears over how these other little girls seem to upset my kid. and i am under no illusions that this the fault of the other girls. my daughter is just as much of an issue, if not a bigger part of it, than the other 2.

What kind of consequences do you give when your daughter screams at another child or hits?

Time outs work quite well a lot of the time. I am all for positive reinforcement!!! But I personally believe there has to be a good balance. My dd is a screamer as well and when I got a child her age, this kind of behavior started. Not really hitting, but a lot of mouthiness and screaming. The SECOND my daughter started to scream or use unkind words, she went in time out. Now my daughter only needs to be reminded that the result will be time out... she hasn't actually had one in quite awhile for this because she has learned that the behavior is unacceptable and will have consequences.

[Skysue]

Yes your daughter sounds like a bully, the question I have for you is what are the consequences for her actions?

After you told her you had to leave your bedroom why did it take 4 stories? If your letting your 2 year old rule the roost now you will be seriously in for it as she gets older.

The 2.5 year old sounds like she needs some boundaries as well, taking toys should not be allowed either. How do you encourage them to play together?

[mamaathome]

my daughter cried in my room alone for the duration of the 4 stories i read to the other girls. by no means am i letting her rule the roost. she hears 'no' a lot and has quite a few boundaries.

the idea of them playing together is a good one and i am researching games that we can play as a group - a few of which they seem to enjoy for as long as a 2 year old can. another thing that has been helpful is having them share snack with each other. they all take turns handing out crackers or fruit to each other - they love it.

[Fun&care]

First of all, your daughter absolutely deserves to have her space, so the others are going to have to start learning to play on their own and give her the space she needs. I am going through this with my own daughter...the others shadow her and are on her heels and the minute she plays with a toy they all want it. So now I redirect them and have them wait for DD to finish her turn with the toy.

Second, you mentioned that you don't take disciplinary action, but do you think this is working for you? Hitting or screaming or bullying in any way is unacceptable and there needs to be a CONSEQUENCE for this behavior. By talking and snuggling about it you are actually rewarding the behavior, and giving it attention. I would look into doing time outs. She is older now, she is no longer a baby and needs to have consequences to her actions so that she can establish what the boundaries are.

[sunnydays]

The thing that caught my attention most about your post was that you said that she just wants her mama and it breaks your heart that you have to do other things and not what she wants basically. I think you need to remember that you ARE being her mama by teaching her that the world does not revolve around her and that she cannot have her way all the time. I know it is hard, but if you feel bad about it then she will pick up on that and she will give you an even harder time. I think, from reading your post, that the problem is in your emotions perhaps more than hers. I say this in the gentlest way and with no judegment as we are all parents trying to do best for these little people we love so much. YOU are feeling guilty and feeling that it is your fault whenever she is upset. This is really not necessary! You are doing a great thing for yuor daughter by staying home with her, but you are also doing a great thing by having other kids in her space so she learns the vital social skills needed to survive in this world. She will have to learn to deal with people in her space, with differences in personality etc...better to learn it from the beginning. I think, in my opinion, you just need to stop feeling bad about this and teach her how to deal with her emotions. You may need to get tougher and use some consequences for bad behaviour such as hitting, screaming at the other kids etc. You are doing her no favours by not teaching her social skills. You can do it!

[monkeymama]

Both of my children have issues of jealousy with the daycare kids sometimes...however, as much as they are allowed to own their feelings, they are not aloud to physically or emotionally hurt another child because of their feelings...I have had to explain to my 4.5yo dd that if these kids aren't here that means mommy has to go back to work and she would have to go to a daycare. My 2 yo gets jealous of mommys time as well...Ive allowed him to go to his room when he needs space or have his special toy/ cup/ book that is only his not the daycares so he doesn't feel so invaded....To be completely honest, your daughter needs to learn to deal with emotions in a more productive way...kindergarten isn't that far away and I think having other children to socialize with and especially children she doesn't necessarily get along with, is a positive thing. There will always be people in childrens lives who they may not like, but they do need to learn a productive way to deal with them. You can't shield her forever. All that will do is prolong the inevitable and cause her a more inability to cope. Good Luck

[mamaathome]

my struggle with timeouts is 1) i just don't think my kid is receptive to them. she is too strong-willed. i know how this sounds coming from the mouth of a parent, but i was a nanny for 10 years and know the power of the timeout well! but i've met kids who just don't respond and my daughter seems to be one of them. in desperation i have told her to sit on the stairs, but it only makes the situation go from 2 to 13 on a scale of 10. she freaks out more and runs away. and 2) my daughter is just 2 and while she has lots of words, i just don't think she has developed her ability to use them. her temperament is such that she reacts physically first and while yes, this is not an acceptable way to react, i don't want to "punish" her for feeling that emotion. FWIW, i know i am making my own life difficult here by having that view of timeouts and i stand in no judgement of parents who use them. i know we all have to do what works for our kids.

[sunnydays]

I don't think you have to use time-outs necessarily...but you have to do SOMETHING! You need to find a consequence that works for you and for her or she will get worse and worse. I don't use a ton of time-outs, but for some things I do use them...mainly agression. I have a little one in my care who just turned 2 recently and is almost non-verbal. Yesterday he decided to hit me every time I told him not to do something, so I put him in a booster seat for a time-out each time and had him hug me to say sorry after. Well, today, twice he was about to hit me and stopped himself and hugged me instead...LOL. At your daughter's age, she can learn very quickly what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Hitting is not an emotion and neither is screaming or yelling. They are products of an emotion and they are not acceptable behaviours no matter how she is feeling. You are not stopped her from feeling, but rather stopping her from acting in a disrespectful way.

my struggle with timeouts is 1) i just don't think my kid is receptive to them. she is too strong-willed. i know how this sounds coming from the mouth of a parent, but i was a nanny for 10 years and know the power of the timeout well! but i've met kids who just don't respond and my daughter seems to be one of them. in desperation i have told her to sit on the stairs, but it only makes the situation go from 2 to 13 on a scale of 10. she freaks out more and runs away. and 2) my daughter is just 2 and while she has lots of words, i just don't think she has developed her ability to use them. her temperament is such that she reacts physically first and while yes, this is not an acceptable way to react, i don't want to "punish" her for feeling that emotion. FWIW, i know i am making my own life difficult here by having that view of timeouts and i stand in no judgement of parents who use them. i know we all have to do what works for our kids.

[Judy Trickett]

..... my daughter is just 2 and while she has lots of words, i just don't think she has developed her ability to use them. her temperament is such that she reacts physically first and while yes, this is not an acceptable way to react, i don't want to "punish" her for feeling that emotion.

Here is where you are misguided. She is NOT being punished for her emotions. She is being punished for lashing out at another kid or not staying in her time-out. She can feel any emotion she wants but she STILL has to suffer the consequences of her ACTIONS. She's two and she knows better.

It's not your job to make another person happy - happiness is something the individual CHOOSES to feel. As parents we need to stop owning the happiness of our kids to the extent that we fear them and don't do our job as parents. And that job is to raise an independent, compassionate adult who is considerate of OTHERS and not a selfish, narcissistic brat. Harsh words but just look at the people out there these days. Our emotions are OURS and no one else can own those or make someone else feel them - and yes, not even a two year old.