Need some help please! *LONG post*

[playfelt]

When we open a home daycare we open a business in our home and need to treat it and our clients as such. Whether you have children of your own or not you would run your business a certain way, have certain expectations for the children and consequences for not following those expectations.

During daycare hours our own children become one of the group and are expected to act accordingly. My own kids grew up with two rule systems - daycare rules and familytime rules just as our daycare children can live under our rules at care and their family rules at home evenings and weekends.

Another option is to consider separate play areas using the large play yards with 6-8 sections to divide the room into three places and then the children accordingly into two places and it may mean daycare kids in one and your daughter in the other - the third area is for you. Your job is to supervise both play areas not to play in either one.

Children become social at different rates too. By the time your child is 2 2/1 that will make the others in care 2-3 years old. If you are still experiencing problems and nothing we have said here today has worked - please try some of the suggestions and not just make excuses - then you may need to seek professional help for your daughter to find out what it is about being social that she does not enjoy. There are children with special needs that do not have the capacity to grasp what it means to be a friend.

[Judy Trickett]

i'm not saying she can't understand, i'm just not willing to wrestle her into a timeout at 2 years old. in my opinion, and what do i know other than my own kid, she is too young. i appreciate and love the suggestions of games for sharing, the hula hoop idea is awesome and will be implemented, and i love the 'if you're mad and you know it take a deep breath' song, but it is just not my parenting style to crack down on my 2 year old who may become a hardened criminal if i'm not careful?!? she is 2 and is learning to deal with a lot - sharing her whole home, all her toys and her mama ALL day. this is her space in the morning, in the evening and all weekend. yes, it is a daycare, it is a business, i get that. and the idea of more structure in that direction is a good one. i'm not trying to get around that. but to detach my feeling from my 2 year old?? i'm baffled to be honest...

Well, if you already know the answers then why pose the question? You came here asking for advice because nothing you were doing was working. You got some great advice from some seasoned parents and dcproviders who have literally worked with hundreds of kids.

My guess is your daughter is the way you described because you are not willing to PARENT her in a manner that is appropriate to preventing and working on the exact type of behaviour you describe. If you want to REALLY know why your daughter is acting that way then you need to look at YOURSELF and what you are or are not doing to support that behaviour.

Obviously what you are doing isn't turning out the type of child you want.

[Skysue]

It's to bad that you don't understand what I'm saying but give it another year and you will. I didn't say not to love your child but when choosing to do what's right for her take yourself out of the picture mentally. From your response I can see you are an emotional person.

I'm not trying to hurt feelings but just giving advice which you ask for by the way.

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-pres...without-guilt/

Good luck and I hope you can find a solution through this post.

[mamaathome]

i appreciate everyone's input. i posed the question to get suggestions like the ones i listed in my last post. i made it clear that my daughter isn't receptive, nor am i interested in, timeouts or disciplinarian action. which is why i am going to try the other suggestions i got. my feelings aren't hurt, altho implying i have a specific 'type' of kid i want and parenting her that way is offensive - she is who she is and i am doing my best to nurture her as such, but it seems clear that my parenting style is just different. thank you again for your time.

[momofnerds]

so what your saying is that when your dd starts to hit and scream she doesn't have consequences. Lady you are in for a rude awakening (I'm a seasoned mom and provider) so your letting your dd get away with it, but what about the other children, when they start to act out what are you going to do.
basically what you want to do is reason with a 2 yr old. It aint going to work. Also when my kids where younger they had the same rules as the dck's. Maybe thats what you need to do. Also, the parents are going to start to realize what is going on in the house, so your going to have to decide if you want to parent your child or let your child do as she pleases.

[Judy Trickett]

so what your saying is that when your dd starts to hit and scream she doesn't have consequences. Lady you are in for a rude awakening (I'm a seasoned mom and provider) so your letting your dd get away with it, but what about the other children, when they start to act out what are you going to do.
basically what you want to do is reason with a 2 yr old. It aint going to work. Also when my kids where younger they had the same rules as the dck's. Maybe thats what you need to do. Also, the parents are going to start to realize what is going on in the house, so your going to have to decide if you want to parent your child or let your child do as she pleases.

I also think that as a parent I would NOT want my child in the daycare of a provider who allows her own children to do whatever they please with no consequences. Eventually her OWN child will become the daycare liability.

Mamaathome....what I want you to consider is that you are setting up your child for unrealistic expectations in the world. The world has consequences. I know she's "only" two but if she is old enough and smart enough to figure out that she can do what she wants with no consequences then she is old enough to understand the consequence. You are setting your child up for failure. What's gonna happen when she goes off to school and hits a kid?

I know you likely think we are picking on you. I assure you, we're not. But you see, we see ALLLLL kinds of kids and, sadly, as the years go by there are more and more kids coming into our daycares who have home lives of NO consequences. These kids are the worst kind because they have no real grasp on the realities of not being the centre of the Universe and that other people matter too. These are the kids that daycare providers complain about on daycare forums. These are the kids that no one likes - because it is HARD to like someone who is narcississtic and spoiled and think they are the only one who matters. Trust me, you don't want your child to be the one who isn't liked.

You WILL be in for a rude awakening if you don't start putting your foot down. Your child is worth it.

[KellyP]

I also think that as a parent I would NOT want my child in the daycare of a provider who allows her own children to do whatever they please with no consequences. Eventually her OWN child will become the daycare liability.

The whole time I am reading the replies in this post, I am thinking, if I were one of the parents of the kids in this child care and I stumbled across this and read this, I'd be running over there and pulling my kid out of that situation so fast!

I would never want my child to witness that kind of manipulation of an adult ever.

OP, you are definitely in for a rude awakening. Maybe it's a good thing you are a child care provider because if I had a parent in my care who refused to allow their child to suffer the consequences of her own actions and continually made excuses for it, I would term them immediately and without feeling badly about it.

Your DD is behaving as a bully and you are letting her. If time outs don't work, then it is YOUR job to figure out what will work. She KNOWS you feel bad/guilty and she is playing you like a fiddle. Too bad you aren't as quick to see this as she is.

[Artsand crafts]

My guess is your daughter is the way you described because you are not willing to PARENT her in a manner that is appropriate to preventing and working on the exact type of behaviour you describe. If you want to REALLY know why your daughter is acting that way then you need to look at YOURSELF and what you are or are not doing to support that behaviour.

Obviously what you are doing isn't turning out the type of child you want.

Those words from Judy are very hard to take as a parent, but very true! When my son was hitting and biting at 18 months old someone told me the same...and after feeling angry and attacked I started to really think about it... Yes, if we look in detail our kids behavior has a lot to do with OURS... I had to change my approach... Currently my boy is a well behaved boy (with some minor infractions, of course). I already had 5 years of experience as a provider when that started to happen and usually my DCK are well behaved (and I rarely used time outs with them), the problem here is that when we are dealing with our own kids we run through completely different emotions. I think this is what other ladies are talking about, trying to be less partial could help in your situation... I'm personally not against cuddles and hugs or showing affection, but still we need to teach them how to behave properly and some disciplinary actions can sometimes be useful such as time out, removal of privileges, etc. If this is too harsh for you, you could start with a gentler approach by acknowledging her feelings and explain what to do next time, to give her a chance. If that is not working then you may have to go with the consequences.

[Crayola kiddies]

I think it's totally asinine to think we can reason with a two year old......with out consequences this will not get better as time goes on it will get worse. She will get stronger and her outbursts will escalate. And I am a seasoned parent also with 5 children, the oldest is 22 yrs. This doesn't include daycare children. Judy's right you don't want your child to be the child that isn't liked. If time outs don't work then figure out what does .... Your her mother you need to figure out what her currency is .... What makes her tick? There is nothing wrong with giving consequences for bad behaviour. There was no reason for you to feel guilty because she cried for four books ... That was her choice .... she could have chosen to come and listen to the books but she chose not to ....was manipulating you..... This is why you have to take the emotion out if it because she is feeding off your emotion .... You are enabling this behaviour ..... The sooner you put a stop to it the happier everyone will be especially your daughter

[Momof4]

Very well said everyone and I agree that children must learn consequences along with praise from the time they are babies. Mamaathome, have you considered that if you give up and try to place your unruly child in a daycare that they will be terminating you constantly? You aren't doing your child any favours by not having firm rules for her. She will always know that you love her. I have to ask you to picture your headstrong daughter as a teenager behaving as she does now. We MUST enforce rules and teach our children to get along with others for their own good. By disciplining you are not being mean, you are being a good parent.